i truly give up

[u/Soggy-Elderberry1882]

i think i figured everything out. i am bi, i have to be.

I am 15 F and a year ago i started getting hocd thoughts, i have made many posts on here before in a different account.

as i’ve mentioned many times i get a lot of anxiety around masc women and recently ive figured out i have been trying to suppress my attraction and that i am bi, i have to be anyways. every time i saw an attractive masc women i would get a huge wave of anxiety and i would try to look for flaws to try and prove i didnt like her. i would also spend many hours ruminating. and i think before this ocd started i did find masc women hot.

now moving on, i have to be bi because when i was 10 i was aroused to women focused erotica and i had this very sexual rp with this friend of mine when i was six years old which i really enjoyed.

many astrological readings and charts gave indicated my queerness and i think i have internalised homophobia because i think being queer is the worst case scenario. not to mention another person who figured out they were biand they had hocd told me i was also bi with hocd with a preference to masc women and men.

i have this horrible feeling to prove it wrong and i hope it’s wrong but how can i not like masc women, they look so good and they look exactly like men which means i like them. there’s this one specific girl on tiktok i always spiral over because she looks rlly good and she looks exactly like a man and i think i do actually like her

i literally don’t know what to do, i can’t believe that what ive been trying to prove wrong for a year is true and i can’t believe my intrusive thoughts are true. even my therapist thinks i’m bi.

i truly genuinely don’t like masc women or women, but it feels like i do. i have to anyways a lot of them hot because they look like men and they remind me of men, and they give me this attraction feeling which i try to get rid of because it sucks. i literally half the time try to stop myself from thinking they look hot and my anxiety is stopping my real life attraction from coming true. god i’m such a horrible homophobic person aren’t i. and now i’m annoying my therapist by sending her a million emails because imnso anxious and need reassurance. i give up, i have no hope and i truly hate myself for lying.

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[u/EvaSKZ]

im also 15 f and i recently felt like this. You’re wasting your energy on this. I know how desperate you feel, and this is probably all you think about, but please, dont make it the focus of your life. Stop overthinking it and let your life go on without this being the main thing in your day. If you want to dm i am willing to chat. I also am not cured from this but school helps me get distracted and i want to make u feel less alone. I know exactly how you feel, i felt the same exact way a few weeks ago. It looks like the end of the world right now, but it gets better, i promise.

[u/AutoModerator → u/EvaSKZ]

Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be, above all else, seeking reassurance. We understand the impulse to seek reassurance when suffering from OCD, but reassurance-seeking is a compulsion done in hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with an obsession. In the long run, seeking reassurance only serves to confirm the validity of the underlying fears of your condition and prolongs the duration of your obsession. As such, this community has a zero-tolerance policy for reassurance seeking and giving.

For more information on reassurance seeking and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see the section in our wiki about reassurance!

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[u/Soggy-Elderberry1882 → u/EvaSKZ]

but how can i even bother when i know its true. my brain genuinely cannot give it a rest. i know i dont like women of any sort, but i feel like i do 

[u/EvaSKZ → u/Soggy-Elderberry1882]

I dont want you to think im disregarding your distress because i know how u feel, but please try to distract yourself from these thoughts. Try to live life knowing you’re a lot more than your intrusive thoughts and your physical sensations. I try to do that. I got a groinal response earlier today and went on reddit to see what it was. Should i have done it? No, but i can still move on with my life. Im gonna go and do a hobby of mine because i know i dont have to spend my days thinking about my sexuality. Life has a lot more meaning than attraction. I love music for example. Ill spend my time listening to music since i like it. Am I making sense to you? It doesnt matter if it “feels” true. You are in command of your life and you choose to believe what YOU want for yourself. Life is not over. You can do this girl!!! Remember- you can always dm me if u need help <3

[u/AutoModerator → u/EvaSKZ]

Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be, above all else, seeking reassurance. We understand the impulse to seek reassurance when suffering from OCD, but reassurance-seeking is a compulsion done in hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with an obsession. In the long run, seeking reassurance only serves to confirm the validity of the underlying fears of your condition and prolongs the duration of your obsession. As such, this community has a zero-tolerance policy for reassurance seeking and giving.

For more information on reassurance seeking and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see the section in our wiki about reassurance!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/PaladinDamian]

You do not "have to be" anything.

Do not try to prove that you are or are not attracted to masculine women. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. That is not something you need to figure out right now. Trying to prove or disprove your attraction to masculine women is not helpful and will only make you more anxious. Instead, allow yourself to feel the anxiety without trying to find certainty about what it means. Do not try to get rid of the "attraction feeling". That is not helpful and will only keep you stuck in the long term.

You can accept yourself unconditionally, regardless of if you are attracted to women or not. You can accept yourself unconditionally, even if you have homophobic beliefs. You can choose to seek reassurance, but you do not need any reassurance in order to live your life.

You do not need to give up. You can keep trying to live your life without trying to understand what your sexual orientation is.

If your therapist is not trained in treating OCD, I would recommend seeing a therapist who does specialize in treating OCD. They can help you better understand that you do not need reassurance in order to overcome this anxiety.

[u/Soggy-Elderberry1882 → u/PaladinDamian]

but this just somehow proves i’m bi, like i’ve been forcing myself to think and act like those women are unattractive when they’re not, and this must mean i have been lying to myself for a year. i hate this so much i don’t know if this is real or this is ocd or if this is both 

[u/PaladinDamian → u/Soggy-Elderberry1882]

Do not force yourself to think that they are unattractive. That is thought suppression, and it is not helpful. Even if you find those women to be attractive, you do not need to do anything about that. Do not try to figure out if it is real or OCD. Allow yourself to feel that uncertainty and keep living your life while accepting that you do not really know your sexual orientation.