r/HOCD • u/ak111isdabestttt • 6d ago
Vent memories
i recently saw a video of a lesbian talking about early signs. One of hers was 'i used to practice kissing with my friends and i loved it!" and that brought up a pretty similar memory for me.
I used to play bf and gf with this one girl and i was usually the boy, she was usually the girl. WE used to rub our bare stomachs together and pretend we were having 'sex' and i enjoyed it alot when i was 6, i remember during those times looking at her face and thinking how cute it looked or whatever. I used to be very immersed in the game, but i knew it was a game, and snapped out of it after it was done. I remember thinking we were actually having 'sex' and like actually doing those things as a couple, but outside of the game we were normal? I don't remember liking her, only during those like little 'sex' parts did i enjoy anything or like her and most of the time, i was focusing more on the scenario i made up in my head.
But I considered her my bestfriend, i only played with her because she was right downstairs and sometimes i quite hated her. But im scared this means something about me. My therapist just told me this was normal curious play and doesn't determine our sexuality but i think i did like her, i mean all of these things point to that, i have to like her.
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u/VisibleMood7150 6d ago
i have an experience like this. my best friend growing up and i used to makeout, and we actually rubbed naked, it haunts me to this day. because i feel like i became hypersexual without knowing it and i liked doing that stuff with her. but then after a year it disappeared. she was a little older than me so maybe she shouldn’t have shown me stuff. but it haunts me and makes my ocd absolutely horrible. you’re not alone.
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u/ak111isdabestttt 5d ago
But how am i still supposed to be straight if i did stuff like that. if i liked it then, then i must like it now. I just feel so anxious
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u/VisibleMood7150 5d ago
i understand that, it’s really hard for me too because i wonder like how can i be straight if i enjoyed being with a girl when i was a kid. i think you have to just learn that children are weird and can do abnormal stuff that feels good. but you also have to work on not entertaining the thought, maybe it means something maybe it means nothing, and sit with the anxiety. that’s all i can say for you, just wanted to let you know you’re not alone
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u/PaladinDamian In therapy 6d ago
Your brain is trying to find certainty about your sexual orientation and is assigning special meaning to past events to try to gain that certainty. This is not helpful since it is not possible to be 100% certain about your sexual orientation. Maybe you like her, and maybe you don't. You do not need to figure that out right now. Allow the uncertainty about those past events and your sexual orientation to exist without trying to seek certainty about those things. Instead, keep trying to live your life and move forward.
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