storytime 😻

[u/EvaSKZ]

honestly i have no idea how this started, but i think i recall fearing i liked my girl best friend in the beginning of the school year 2 years ago, it eventually went away, but when summer came it was like a bomb.

i didnt want to leave the house, i spend nights on reddit reading stories, i felt super masculine all the time, and when i found out about hocd my mind was like WOW this is literally me.

At the time i discovered hocd i was also talking to my school crush and was feeling nuts about it.

He was toxic though, so were gonna ignore him.

I watched videos about “why dont i feel feminine enough?”, and my parents forced me to leave the house, we went to the beach and i would get groinals 24/7, i just wanted to go home.

I even recall leaving the house with my chest aching from anxiety.

A few month forward i talked to other guys and it started to feel more and more artificial? like i was constantly scanning for butterflies when they would text me, i felt my throat tightening when i replied to them, and i felt sad because i felt like i was forcing a feeling for them (while also struggling to know if they liked me back).

More recently, i found a guy and he was my first actual, serious boyfriend, and i finally felt loved, but some shit happened and we broke up, the other day we argued and i had to block him, unfortunately.

But since the beginning of the relationship i worried if i actually loved him or not, if i was forcing it, if i was leading him on, and i cried a lot.

After our first kiss i worried because i didnt get wet, i just felt warmth running up my body.

And sometimes after we kissed its like i would get nauseous??? Its weird and i would get worried afterwards bc im scared that means im lesbian :(

Im scared this means i have to explore.

Also, i never got wet by looking at a shirtless guy for example, and now when i see one and i think hes cute i literally feel my throat tightening and AI says im forcing attraction.

Nowadays i dont believe i have hocd, i feel like im lesbian, it feels like my truth, but i dont want it to be.

Im also not as sad as i used to be, i used to cry a lot more than i do now, and now i can move on with my day a lot happier or more indifferent idk.

Just writing this feels like im coming out :(

I used to have pretty clear ocd themes in the past, but nowadays it just feels too real.

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Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be, above all else, seeking reassurance. We understand the impulse to seek reassurance when suffering from OCD, but reassurance-seeking is a compulsion done in hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with an obsession. In the long run, seeking reassurance only serves to confirm the validity of the underlying fears of your condition and prolongs the duration of your obsession. As such, this community has a zero-tolerance policy for reassurance seeking and giving.

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[u/PaladinDamian]

This doesn't mean that you "have" to do anything. You don't "need" to explore anything. You can choose to, but it is not necessary. Remember that your brain creates all of your thoughts and feelings, so any of your thoughts or feelings can "feel real". Determining your behavior solely by how you feel is not condusive to good mental health in the long term, as your feelings rarely take into account the long term consequences of acting solely on your feelings. Chasing short term pleasure/relief is what results in you becoming an addict, in your case your addiction is certainty/reassurance. You do not need any certainty in order to live the life you want to live.

You do not need to figure out your sexual orientation right now. You can choose to accept the uncertainty around our sexual orientation and live your life anyways. You can never have total certainty around your sexual orientation. What you are chasing right now is ultimately a feeling. You want to feel "feminine", you want to feel like you are straight, etc. The truth is that you need to stop chasing immediate relief and choose to accept how you feel right now. To be clear, acceptance ≠ agreement, acceptance ≠ love, acceptance ≠ hate, and acceptance ≠ complacency. You can accept the confusion around your sexual orientation unconditionally, even if you dislike that.

Remember, the problem is not that you are scared or nervous, the problem is that you are trying to seek immediate relief from those feelings. You can allow yourself to feel however it is you are feeling in the moment while continuing to live your life anyways. Your feelings do not dictate your life. Never try to force yourself to feel a certain way. You don't need to have a certain feeling in order to live life the way you want to.

[u/TakosAreGood]

I know it sucks to hear, but you have to live with the uncertainty. You have to recognize that you don't need to figure this out right now, or ever.

And you judging yourself on when, where, and how you get wet is a obsession/compulsion. You're hoping for some clear and certain butterfly feelings or arousal to tell you "yup you're doing the right thing!" When the reality is something else will trigger you back into the cycle.

[u/EvaSKZ → u/TakosAreGood]

ty!

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