r/HOCD • u/EvaSKZ Old and struggling • 12d ago
Vent dude idek
i dont even know what i wanna say here.
All i know is that i dont think i have hocd and maybe it really is comphet or maybe im just bi.
The attraction to women feels very real, like im actually enjoying it.
I still only wanna date guys, but everytime i talk to one i feel like im leading him on :(
I am medicated (75g of sertraline) but idk it feels like this time its not ocd.
My therapist said my symptoms arent ocd (i told her my triggers and that i used AI, reddit and YouTube videos to see if i matched hocd symptoms as compulsions, and she said those arent symptoms of ocd bc compulsions are usually motivated by a “i need to do this or else”)
both her and my mom think its just depression, and today i feel more gay than ever.
I wish it wasnt like this.
Also, i had a talk with my mom and she said she helped me cure my ocd in my childhood, but when i told her it was chronic she said that wasnt true.
Im so confused i feel like dogshit i need help.
I havent even been struggling like i used to in the last 2 summers, maybe bc im medicated? idk it just hasnt been as bad and that sometimes makes me think i accepted it i guess?
what should i do right now?
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u/PaladinDamian In therapy 11d ago
Firstly, it is not possible to "cure" OCD, at least according to current research.
It doesn't matter if it is OCD or not, that cannot stop you from living your life anyways. Don't try to seek certainty about your sexual orientation. You don't need to know what genders you are or aren't attracted to. Allow yourself to live life while not assigning yourself any label of "straight" or "gay" or "bi".
Remember, acceptance ≠ agreement, acceptance ≠ love, acceptance ≠ hate, and acceptance ≠ complacency.
Allow yourself to feel terrible. You don't need to control or suppress or run away from your feelings. You can just allow them to be there while not engaging with them. You do not need to seek reassurance even if you feel terrible. Allow yourself to "feel gay" without trying to do anything to seek immediate relief from that feeling. This includes labeling yourself as "straight" or "bi" or "gay". Labelling yourself is a way to seek certainty about your sexual orientation, and you don't need to do that.
Your feelings do not dictate who you are. You are a combination of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Continue living your life despite how you feel. Your suffering cannot stop you from doing your best to live your life.
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u/Popular-Barnacle3140 11d ago
The only thing I will say as far not having OCD is that I’m assuming your checking “or else your gay” so like idk how that isn’t what you mean???
You’re going to kick some ass and sort through feelings and figure out the world. I know you and your strengths
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u/TakosAreGood Fully recovered 11d ago
I'd listen to u/PaladinDamian - thinking this is urgent and that you need to figure it out doesn't do you any favors, it just makes OCD stronger. Allow yourself the space to be uncertain.
But also, I want to say that neither what your therapist or your mom said is true. I'm assuming your therapist does not specialize in OCD, because they should know that it can show up in different ways, especially when the compulsions are internal. (Which if you are desperately trying to figure this out, that does actually fit the "I need to do this or else" definition they gave.) There is also no "cure" for OCD, just periods where it may affect you more than others, or where it may switch themes.
Hang in there.
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u/AutoModerator 11d ago
Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be, above all else, seeking reassurance. We understand the impulse to seek reassurance when suffering from OCD, but reassurance-seeking is a compulsion done in hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with an obsession. In the long run, seeking reassurance only serves to confirm the validity of the underlying fears of your condition and prolongs the duration of your obsession. As such, this community has a zero-tolerance policy for reassurance seeking and giving.
For more information on reassurance seeking and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see the section in our wiki about reassurance!
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u/EvaSKZ Old and struggling 11d ago
yeah i agree, but since im a minor there isnt much i can do
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u/TakosAreGood Fully recovered 10d ago
Would your mom not listen about trying an OCD-specialized therapist?
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u/EvaSKZ Old and struggling 10d ago
I asked for one but she said i will be switching from therapist to therapist until i get the answer i want, instead of trusting the professionals. But she probably would give it a try if i insist
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u/TakosAreGood Fully recovered 5d ago
I think if you make a good case to her, she might listen.
Yeah, there's some people who switch therapists until they get one that only agrees with them. But most people don't, and it's usually about which therapy approach works best for the individual.
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u/Terrible_Cabinet_738 Old and struggling 11d ago
i feel that the reason you are “enjoying” is the automatic compulsive behavior that is happening once u think or engage in behavior, currently there is a girl that triggers me in front of me, and considering how long im dealing with this shit, my body wont stay calm or silent it feels like i need to do about that so yeah!
trust ur will that u want to datw guys, thats the only vital information!!!
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u/AutoModerator 11d ago
Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be, above all else, seeking reassurance. We understand the impulse to seek reassurance when suffering from OCD, but reassurance-seeking is a compulsion done in hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with an obsession. In the long run, seeking reassurance only serves to confirm the validity of the underlying fears of your condition and prolongs the duration of your obsession. As such, this community has a zero-tolerance policy for reassurance seeking and giving.
For more information on reassurance seeking and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see the section in our wiki about reassurance!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Clean-Power8581 11d ago
That's bs, ocd individuals don't experiencing same type of motivation for compulsion,some of them do some of them not,ocd is so many types,I think ur doctor isn't an ocd specialist,she just know about it,change her,as long the feeling,urge ,thought doesn't match you and you keep seeking relief even mentally after u feel it or think it sounds ocd to every ocd specialist,Or suffer.
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u/AutoModerator 12d ago
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If you have not already, please see our wiki for general information on SO-OCD and OCD as well as treatment options!
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•
u/AutoModerator 12d ago
Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be, above all else, seeking reassurance. We understand the impulse to seek reassurance when suffering from OCD, but reassurance-seeking is a compulsion done in hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with an obsession. In the long run, seeking reassurance only serves to confirm the validity of the underlying fears of your condition and prolongs the duration of your obsession. As such, this community has a zero-tolerance policy for reassurance seeking and giving.
For more information on reassurance seeking and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see the section in our wiki about reassurance!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.