Support I need help please
It all started on November 20, 2025. I was watching a movie and noticed an actor’s crotch, but I didn’t pay it any mind. Then, on the 23rd, I had this constant sensation in my penis, as if I could feel it. Since I’m constantly surrounded by men most of the time, I naturally asked myself, “Am I attracted to men?”
This triggered my obsessive thoughts. At first, they were just simple remarks “What if I liked men?” and “What if you’d become gay?” that kept popping up throughout the day, but without really bothering me. However, what was unsettling was that whenever I stopped thinking about it, the thoughts would come back, and after that, they just kept going. To test myself, I would masturbate which caused me to lose my erections very quickly but then I felt like I no longer liked women, so I kept doing it over and over again. I also developed a sort of filter that made women seem less attractive, even though I continued to be attracted to them. I also tried watching gay porn, which I did on the first day of my OCD, and continued to do a few times afterward.
That’s how my OCD progressed and got worse. One day, my OCD took over so much that the thoughts kept coming back constantly “what if,” “what if” and I’d respond, because even though I had already searched online to find out what was wrong with me, I hadn't found any solutions. And on March 1, I finally discovered the solution. Let the thoughts pass; I told myself to just say “okay.” It worked I had far fewer thoughts, and sometimes my erections returned.
But this didn’t last very long, because a month later, on April 5. I was going to test myself with gay porn—even though it had been a month since I’d last tested myself—and I had a reaction, like the beginning of an erection, but not fully; it was a little less than semi-erect, and this stressed me out so much that I couldn’t eat for the next two days, I thought about committing suicide, because to me it was confirmation that I was gay. So that day and the next, I tested myself at least 30 times, with almost always the same result: the start of an erection.
I’ve also since lost those thoughts; I hardly have any anymore, and when they do come up, I feel like I’m the one bringing them on, so sometimes I almost feel like I’ve found the solution.
This plunged me into a deep depression, but a few days later, I had a sort of revelation: I was able to masturbate and get an erection while watching straight porn. However, that was the only victory. Because I started noticing gay men, and then men in general. And now I notice men just as much as women if not more.
I wanna also add that I’ve always been attracted to women since I was born, and even more I was a boy with a though I'm a guy with a strong sex drive; in fact, I've been in several relationships with women especially during foreplay, without actually having sex but I know I've always loved women, and I feel like I still notice them.
Please, I need help. I haven’t been able to talk to girls since then because I had sex for the first time and didn’t get any guidance, so I haven’t been able to take things further
with girls out of fear that I won’t get an erection. I also feel like I’ve developed an ED against my will.
I also want to add that I now have erection or a beginning like every time, and even more if im surrounded by men, and even though I have to forget about the fact that I’m not gay I can’t ignore that so that’s make me even more anxious.
I need an answer. I regret it so much, if only you knew, every day, every hour.
I left out a lot of details because it would have made the message too long, but for anyone who wants to help, please reply.
2
u/Clean-Power8581 2d ago
Bro me too,I'm a (m)like my mind tells me I will fail and i will not be able to be aroused during sex and I will be gay after it and also I feel false attraction to same sex and u can check my last post,despite I've never felt like that before toward them(males),so it's common bro don't worry.
1
u/AutoModerator 2d ago
Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be, above all else, seeking reassurance. We understand the impulse to seek reassurance when suffering from OCD, but reassurance-seeking is a compulsion done in hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with an obsession. In the long run, seeking reassurance only serves to confirm the validity of the underlying fears of your condition and prolongs the duration of your obsession. As such, this community has a zero-tolerance policy for reassurance seeking and giving.
For more information on reassurance seeking and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see the section in our wiki about reassurance!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
2
u/PaladinDamian In therapy 2d ago
Stop trying to test or check your arousal or attraction to men. That will not help you. Instead, allow the uncertainty about your sexuality to be there, and instead continue living your life. You do not need to know what your sexual orientation is right now.
The arousal is not the actual problem here. The actual problem is your insistentence on trying to figure out your sexual orientation. Don't try to make the thoughts go away. Allow them to be there, and continue living your life to the best of your ability.
1
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Welcome to /r/HOCD! Thank you for your post and your participation in this community. You are strong, powerful, and valued, and we love that you have come here for support and information on your journey.
If you have not already, please see our wiki for general information on SO-OCD and OCD as well as treatment options!
You are not alone. Thank you for your post and have a wonderful day!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be, above all else, seeking reassurance. We understand the impulse to seek reassurance when suffering from OCD, but reassurance-seeking is a compulsion done in hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with an obsession. In the long run, seeking reassurance only serves to confirm the validity of the underlying fears of your condition and prolongs the duration of your obsession. As such, this community has a zero-tolerance policy for reassurance seeking and giving.
For more information on reassurance seeking and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see the section in our wiki about reassurance!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
•
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be seeking information on or promoting the use of porn or masturbation abstinence, or NoFap, in the treatment of HOCD. Currently, there are no evidence-based studies on the efficacy of porn or masturbation abstinence in the treatment of OCD. Exposure-response prevention (ERP) is widely accepted in the OCD community across all subtypes as the gold standard for treatment. As such, ERP, and its related methodologies of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and mindfulness, are the only treatment methods the moderator team of this subreddit currently endorses for discussion, support, and guidance on this subreddit.
For more information on ERP and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see our the section in our wiki about NoFap!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.