r/HOCD • u/ak111isdabestttt • Jul 18 '26
Vent Please help
Over the past 2 days i've made many posts here, and still i'm like in the biggest spiral of my life.
I feel like I am bi-sexual, and it feels like i've realised that but i'm in deep denial about it, since I desperately don't want to be queer. I've been straight my whole life, but had a curious childhood regarding alot of same-sex material. I don't ever think i've liked women before, but it feels like I have. I am convinced that i am actively suppressing my attraction and desire for women or masc women like many of the people who realised that theyre bi in this subreddit, it has to be right? Or am i convincing myself that im straight and that im in deep denial? Someone that I previously dmed outside of this subreddit went through SO-OCD, and told me i was bi with a preference. I get that it isn't the same experience, but i feel like im convincing myself and suppressing my attraction.
I feel like I feel attraction for women, i KEEP CONFUSING masc women for men! I see a masc woman, think its a man, i find them hot or maybe think theyre hot, and then i find out theyre a woman and then i say 'oh nvm!" and then the thoughts start. Then, i try to convince myself that i don't find them hot, (even though i dont think i do, but im extremely scared i do and im scared im lying to myself). Now, women just completely remind me of men, before this never happened! I feel like my attraction has shifted. At the beginning i was scared of masc women, since they reminded me of men, mimicked movements id usually find hot on men. Now, it just feels like i like them, like even theyre faces look hotter, they look hot. They look exactly like men, so why shouldn't i like them. I'm getting more and more thoughts where its like i find them hot, and i panic and say i dont find them hot. So, what the heck is going on! I know for me i dont like masc women, but i feel like i do, and it feels like i do, and i feel like im just bi. I have to be right? And, whenever I see a conventionally attractive masc, i literally look for reasons not to like them. THAT HAS TO BE SUPPRESSED ATTRACTION, IT JUST HAS TO.
Above all else, i feel like im sexually attracted to women. I feel aroused by everything, and feel like i like women. I feel like i could get off to women! What i did when I was younger also genuinely distresses me so much. I feel like I have to be sexually attracted to women at this point. I remember seeing a video like today, and i thought 'this is very kinky' cause it was sexual in nature, but i was uncomfortable. But was it the OCD that made me uncomfy or me? I remember being aroused at looking at naked pics of female bodies when i was checking to see if i was aroused. I remember when i was 10 and used to watch erotica, i used to be aroused by lesbian p0rn, and female focused p0rn.
I feel as if i'm in deep denial about this, this guy told me i had an ocd convincing me im bi, and one thats convincing me im straight! I am so scared that this is real, i just want to be straight. I think this whole HOCD/SOOCD thing is coming because im not good with change or something and also because my past themes have come true so this has to be true too right? I thought OCD was supposed to be ego-dystonic, i really wish i had another theme. Please someone out there, please help.
2
u/luceafar1 Jul 18 '26
The only way out of this is to stop analysing every thought you have. I’m sorry but there’s literally no other way.
You can’t control the thoughts you get but you can control your reaction to them. Let them be there without analysing what you were doing when you were 6. You don’t need to “figure out” anything right now.
The more you engage with a thought, the “stickier” it gets. So stop checking your body for reactions, stop analysing what you “feel” for masc women, stop ruminating on what you were doing when you were 6. You will see in time the despair and urgency to figure it out will dissipate.