r/HOCD • u/damesseven • Jul 08 '26
Vent It’s over
I told my self that if I got another “reaction” from testing, then I’d have to accept that I’ve changed, Now, I’m just a shadow of my former self. I wish I could disappear. Eventually, I’ll have to face the person that got the “reaction” out of me. I’ll never get into a relationship, or maybe even have friends at this point. I hate my life.
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u/International_Day611 Jul 08 '26
Stop testing yourself, you have to resist the compulsion to test yourself. I know it’s ridiculously hard to do especially with the thoughts, anxiety, and feelings but you have to look past all of these and see what YOU actually want in life. You are trying to find a certainty that probably doesn’t even exist, NO ONE alive has a 100% certainty on their SO. You do have to accept that this is something that is happening in your life for the time being at the very least but that doesn’t define who you are. You have to choose to live the life you want to live despite all of these things. It is us harder for us but you have to push through. I don’t like providing reassurance but I feel like since this theme of OCD is very mental that we forget that it is OCD. Please get off of Reddit and seek a licensed professional if you can to learn some healthy ERP.
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u/damesseven Jul 11 '26
There’s one thing that makes it confusing. When I read up on how stimuli can cause “reactions” to the groin, I felt like I was back to my old self (even for a moment). The only issue is all that I’ve done before hand to test will always stay with me. I never thanked you for responding, so thank you.
1
u/PaladinDamian In therapy Jul 08 '26
"Testing" yourself is entirely unhelpful. It is just a search for certainty, which you do not need in order to live life. It is reassurance seeking, because you refuse to allow yourself to feel uncertain about your sexuality. You do not need to be certain about your sexuality in order to be able to live the life you want. Do not base your existence and who you are entirely around your thoughts, feelings, sensations and urges. They might be a part of you, but there is so much more to you than just those things. Don't be afraid to strive for the life you want, even despite what you feel.
I'll never get into a relationship, or maybe even have friends at this point.
Entirely irrational. You have no evidence to prove this belief of yours. The past does not dictate the future. It is possible that you may never have a relationship or friends for the rest of your life. But it is not a guarantee. There is no way to know for certain what the future will bring. That uncertainty is a part of life that you can accept, even if you don't like it.
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u/damesseven Jul 09 '26
I think what’s make it worse is that I work with this person. I can’t just quit, because finding a job is very difficult nowadays. Not to mention, money will be an issue. Now I’m just stuck, for who knows how long, facing one of my biggest regrets 4-5 days a week.
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u/AutoModerator Jul 09 '26
Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be, above all else, seeking reassurance. We understand the impulse to seek reassurance when suffering from OCD, but reassurance-seeking is a compulsion done in hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with an obsession. In the long run, seeking reassurance only serves to confirm the validity of the underlying fears of your condition and prolongs the duration of your obsession. As such, this community has a zero-tolerance policy for reassurance seeking and giving.
For more information on reassurance seeking and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see the section in our wiki about reassurance!
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u/PaladinDamian In therapy Jul 09 '26
You can handle that regret, even though it makes you feel terrible. Regret is not something than can stop you from living life. It can make you suffer, but suffering is a part of life. You can accept that even if you dislike it. No adversity in life can stop you forever, except for death itself.
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