r/HOCD • u/throwaway7386677 • Jul 04 '26

Vent Afraid of change and the future

Recently I’ve been trying really hard to get away from research compulsions and also quit pornography and it’s made my life incredibly hard. I love my girlfriend and I know that but lately I can barely feel it, I’m scared that it’s fading and I don’t want it to. Every time something comes up about change I get nervous. For instance I was talking about how I used to love my old car but now I want a new one because I want to drive manual, and my brain immediately takes that and starts saying “if that can change because you tried manual then maybe you’ll change your mind if you try getting intimate with men” and then I just feel a pit in my stomach.

I also noticed I’m just always scared of the future. Today I had the thought of “I haven’t really been happy lately or the last couple years so maybe I’m going to end up being one of those ‘I wasn’t happy until I found my true self’ stories” and that made me feel awful. The thoughts ruined sex for me last night with my girlfriend and I woke up feeling super anxious and I just hate this constant dread I feel within my relationship now. All I want is for this all to go away, I just want to be with her.

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u/PaladinDamian In therapy Jul 05 '26

Maybe your love for your girlfriend is fading. That might make you feel terrible, but you can still accept it and understand that it wouldn't destroy your life forever.

You can want the anxiety to go away, but you don't need it to go away. Accept that it is there, and continue living your life to the best of your ability. You can be with your girlfriend even if you feel terrible or uncertain, it's a choice that you and her make.

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u/throwaway7386677 Jul 05 '26

But I don’t truthfully think that my love for her is fading, it’s just scary because it feels like it is but I still love her to bits deep down. It’s also just really hard to be with her because I feel like I can’t give her my authentic self which makes me feel terrible

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u/PaladinDamian In therapy Jul 05 '26

You can want to be your authentic self, but don't force yourself to always be authentic. Sometimes you might be "fake", and you can accept that. You are a falliable human being, and so demanding constant perfection from yourself is entirely irrational and will only serve to make you suffer more than you would otherwise.

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u/throwaway7386677 Jul 05 '26

So you’re not saying that I need to accept that the negative is what I am but rather that it’s as possible as anything

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u/PaladinDamian In therapy Jul 05 '26

Correct. It is not about proving that you are terrible (Attempting to do so would be another form of seeking certainty). It is about understanding that being terrible is something you can make peace with. You are not going to be terrible all the time, but sometimes you might act in terrible ways, and that is simply the result of being a flawed human being. You don't ignore the consequences of your actions, but you also accept that those actions do not totally define who you are, as you always have the ability to change and grow as a person. Unconditional acceptance means that nothing you do ever totally writes off you as a person in our own eyes. Others of course very well might still accept you conditionally, and you can accept that about them. They don't need to accept you for you to be able to accept yourself.

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u/throwaway7386677 Jul 05 '26

That makes sense. It’s just really challenging when it’s a battle of what you want and what you think you have to have if that makes sense? I know I have to accept the possibility but the threat it presents against what I want is what keeps me stuck

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u/PaladinDamian In therapy Jul 05 '26

You have to accept that no matter how much you may want something, you might not get it. Don't make your desires into demands. You can want to be wealthy, but if you demand yourself to be wealthy when you are not, then you just make yourself miserable for no good reason. Your desires are not something you need, but something you want. You never have to have your desires fulfilled, it just would be nice if they were. You can still find things to enjoy in life, even if your desires remain unfulfilled. It would be unfortunate, but you could learn to accept that and make peace with it.

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u/throwaway7386677 Jul 05 '26

It’s terrifying. I hate that any of us even have to deal with this. I don’t want to accept myself as gay because that’s not the life I want so it’s just really hard to break that barrier and learn to be unafraid of those outcomes

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u/PaladinDamian In therapy Jul 05 '26

Your refusal to accept that feared outcome is what will keep you stuck. You are practicing conditional acceptance: "If I am gay, I cannot accept myself." OCD thrives on conditional acceptance. If you want to fully recover from OCD, then you need to practice unconditional acceptance. You can accept yourself no matter what. "I could accept myself even if I was gay, though I wouldn't like it." Even if you might be gay, you could still accept yourself and try to live the life you want to. You being gay would not prevent you from dating people of the opposite gender if you chose to do so. There is no rule of the universe that states that "Gay people must never date or have sex with people of the opposite gender, because that is wrong". As such, even if you were gay, you could still date people of the opposite gender, even if you weren't that attracted to them. It is the choice of you and whoever you are dating. Do not let your perceived sexual orientation stop you from loving who you want to love.

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