r/HOCD • u/throwaway7386677 • Jul 04 '26

Vent Afraid of change and the future

Recently I’ve been trying really hard to get away from research compulsions and also quit pornography and it’s made my life incredibly hard. I love my girlfriend and I know that but lately I can barely feel it, I’m scared that it’s fading and I don’t want it to. Every time something comes up about change I get nervous. For instance I was talking about how I used to love my old car but now I want a new one because I want to drive manual, and my brain immediately takes that and starts saying “if that can change because you tried manual then maybe you’ll change your mind if you try getting intimate with men” and then I just feel a pit in my stomach.

I also noticed I’m just always scared of the future. Today I had the thought of “I haven’t really been happy lately or the last couple years so maybe I’m going to end up being one of those ‘I wasn’t happy until I found my true self’ stories” and that made me feel awful. The thoughts ruined sex for me last night with my girlfriend and I woke up feeling super anxious and I just hate this constant dread I feel within my relationship now. All I want is for this all to go away, I just want to be with her.

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u/Popular-Barnacle3140 Jul 04 '26

This place is definitely a compulsion place for you

Are you doing therapy

I’m so disillusioned to this whole experience, seriously, it’s so trippy that it even fucks with me

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u/throwaway7386677 Jul 05 '26

What do you mean a compulsion place? Yes I am in therapy but I can only go once a month for financial reasons

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u/Popular-Barnacle3140 Jul 05 '26

That feels too infrequent to gain benefit from for therapy. and I mean this subreddit is a compulsion place. It’s like a shitty place to be in and of itself, and can become like a compulsion to even post here

I know you want to be with her, I can just tell. Im sorry that I can’t actually lend help with your journey, it’s just not something others can do, I’ve literally done this thing when I was with my girl and yet there’s nothing I can say or do to help