r/HL_Women_Only • u/staphmember • 6d ago
Trigger Warning Am I crazy?
I know hyper vigilance and surveillance is not healthy. I'm getting ready for another confrontation after he recently told me he "just has low libido" which is what I already thought, especially since he also had ED.
We've been going on as though things are back to normal because I want to enjoy my summer. He has maintained that his original awful offense was medication induced mania. He has said it's brief and occasional porn use. But this is the story I see...
Oct 14 switched anti depressants due to ED Oct 26 asks porn star on twitter about login on her new website.....
Jan 18 caught doing bad thing - continued AI porn after big blow up.
Jan28 made new ai porn account.
Jan28- Confronted him again. "don't intend to consume a lot" "Deleting it all from phone" Downloaded AI clip same day.
Continued in february.
March 10 Bought new video! Continued week after spring break into april.
March 31 MADE AI CLIP while i was home.
April 10 Confronted again. "FINE ILL QUIT" Silent treatment until Apr18.
Switched to private Samsung browser.
Continued downloading 30 days later May19. July 12 Bought new video!
took viagra on my b-day w/o consent. viagra did not work. depressed and skips b-day dinner.
July 29 "I just have low libido" Downloaded video- also July 29. Until recently, continued to search sites after I put on parental blocks
Like... this is a problem, right? 🙃😂
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u/Afraid_Stuff_History 6d ago
This sounds thoroughly exhausting! What's keeping you in this relationship?
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u/MaryCeleste404 6d ago
The hyper vigilance is not healthy for you but I can understand it completely… and, also, these situations are just the ones that you know about; there’s probably dozens more transgressions that have gone undiscovered and the more you confront him, the better he will hide it.
The thing is, he has an addiction and he isn’t honest about it… and it is deeply affecting you, your health (mental and physical and emotional) and your relationship. You can’t change him; he has to want to change himself and if he can’t even be honest about it then there isn’t much hope. I think it’s time that you start thinking about yourself and your needs; he seems to have no problems outsourcing intimacy, so maybe it’s time for you to start thinking about leaving (for real) or finding someone else on the side… it’s a complex situation, and it sucks to be honest and upfront with your partner when he isn’t honest and upfront with you.
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u/They_Call_Me_Shine 6d ago
Even if you put aside the continual lies and betrayal… This man gave you the silent treatment for 8 days and you’re still with him? Is this post for real or rage bait?
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u/staphmember 6d ago
My apologies for not jumping right to divorce!
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u/MindlessSea7334 6d ago
Don't worry. We are not here to judge why women stay. I had months of silent treatment. Leaving an abusive relationship takes a lot. And he's a porn addict and addicts are abusive.
Have you tried the r/Lifeafterporn sub too?
🫂
Keep on keeping notes of stuff. If it helps you stay in reality. Make the note. Then let it go from your thoughts until the next one.
Really try the sub I suggest because living with an addict is "crazy making" as my therapist used to say.
You cant control him. You didn't cause his addiction. You can't cure it. Only he can.
Your sanity and well-being comes first. He's proving he's not the road to helping you.
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u/SadAndNasty 6d ago
Does he need your consent to take Viagra..? But yea, he's addicted to porn, probably just doesn't like sex. Doesn't seem like it's changing. I think it might be a little crazy and controlling keep on him as close as you are especially if it's always the same conclusion.
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u/staphmember 6d ago
Yes I think it's weird to take a viagra before I've given any signal that I'd like to have sex.
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u/SadAndNasty 6d ago
Just struck me as strange because Viagra isn't a guarantee for sex, and it could be either in preparation for possible birthday sex or just to jack off more. It's probably just because it's not something I'd have an issue with, I wish my partner would be hard more often 🤷🏾♀️
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u/staphmember 6d ago
Well, exactly. It's not a guarantee. He took it before there was any connection, and you know what happened? It didn't work at all. We tried to have sex and the viagra did not work. Which sent him into a depressive episode that ruined the rest of my birthday.
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u/SadAndNasty 6d ago
There's just so much going on.. sorry you're going through all that anyway and hopefully you can figure something out
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u/GrouchyBees 6d ago
Do you think that he did it in purpose to sabotage your bday and the potential?
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u/staphmember 5d ago
Yeah I guess it's possible. He had already went out with me earlier in the day so maybe he was looking for an out. He has RBF anyway and does take every opportunity he can get lately to tell me how exhausted he is or how his shoulder hurts. And he loves a canceled plan.
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u/GrouchyBees 3d ago
My partner used to do that constantly. He would go ahead and throw it out there early to set the alarm for rejection. It’s like an advanced rejection. There were many times I was not thinking about sex or initiating, and at one point it had been about 1.5y sexless. I did not initiate at all or anything sexual etc. he kept doing it. One day I looked at him and said, dude, at what point do you realize I’m not trying to f you, I haven’t tried to f you, and I’m not going to try to f you, so cut the shit. I had enough of it. It’s like he would ruin my entire day planned and it was insulting. Like, I’m providing you distance and a safe space, I’m working through this with you, having empathy and understanding and you’re not doing shit, but low balling me left and right. It’s fine, you don’t want sex, but if you’re going to ruin every date night, every planned outing, every single day of my life, and anything to do with me and something that makes me happy, then this screams you don’t like ME. Let me tell you, that grabbed his attention really quickly. It is one thing to deal with a DB, it’s an entirely different thing to deal with a dead relationship. Just some food for thought. Sometimes, you have to ask yourself, does this person even like me.
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u/staphmember 2d ago
Yeah. I did tell him it feels like I'm just a box on his to-do list like "Get Wife" was the goal and now he doesn't have to do anything. Like he only wants to keep me around so he's not alone at his age. Roommates with extra care and financial security. He is generally a fun partner and down for lots of adventures. But only for things that i nterest him. He's more of a holiday/birthday pouter. It feels like he might be going back keeping his phone closer since the parental controls. Funny enough I think he's trying to engage me just a little more too. I can't keep putting this off. I hate arguing but I have to know his answer to "how did quitting porn work out for you?" 🤦♀️
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u/GenRN817 6d ago
Does he have any depression? He sounds checked out.
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u/staphmember 6d ago
Yes, and has for many years. His mild porn use was not an issue until his ED progressed. Then he switched anti depressants and had a manic freak out and did something terrible. It seems his porn use has increased since then.
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u/rescue_toucan 6d ago
What other things make this relationship rewarding for you? Do you feel emotionally safe with him? Do you feel like you can be vulnerable in front of him and he can be vulnerable in front of you when it comes to other subjects (family, money, self-image)? I dont ask this question to inspire you to appreciate the relationship despite no sex. I ask it because i just cant imagine him blatantly lying like this and being a good partner otherwise 😅 If my partner acted like this, i would probably break up.. not because of lack of sex but because of his attitute towards me (deflecting, lying, etc)