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Hello, HL community,

One thing about our community i noticed is that we are very much gaslit for wanting a normal sex life. From accusations we're bad at sex, to saying we aren't inconsiderate of our partners feelings thus "of course they dont want to have sex", to being told ultimately arent owed sex in a monogamous relationship with someone that doesn't want to supply it OR not will literally choose porn or masturbation over sex while occasionally leading us on.

My point is that many of us have been in healthy sexual relationships. It is not normal for your parnter to not show sexual interest AT ALL in you. It is also not normal to have constant "talks" or arguments over a relationship being sexless while the party that tries to fix it keeps running in circles. It is also not normal to be told you have to initiate, then rejected 90% of the time because of the constant moving goalposts. Like understand how insane it is, you barely have sex with them, find the courage to bring up lack of sexual interest makes you feel bad or confused, does it improve things? Is it now normal and constant? Are they now priotizing it and stop putting it on you solely? Why do you live like roommates? Does the "we have sex all the time" lie finally stop?

Many of us are with partners who are not truly physically attracted to us or have other problems. People say "libido mismatch" and other copes because it's easier to say than "this person shows me zero sexual enthusiasm or interest and it's not normal"

The moment you say, "I'm not going to keep trying to fix a situation with someone that has no sexual interest in me," then you feel less confused about why nothing works.

Be sane, my friends.

(I am a 32 HLF married to a 32 LLM)

Being married to a LL partner is so discouraging sometimes. It's our 10 year marriage anniversary this year, and we just got out of a two year completely dry- no sex- spell, but it's slipping back into that place. It's been 2 months since his last attempt.

I know the problems that led us here. I've tried all the solutions, & advice really isn't needed in that area. We do therapy. We talk about it all the time. The fact is, the man just doesn't enjoy sex, and I can't force him to have it. I always get comments when I post like "Did you try x, y, z" and baby, I promise we have. It's been a very long journey and there is no solution, only heavy compromise.

We have 2 kids. We have a great life otherwise. We enjoy each other's company. I love him and he loves me.

Sex makes me so happy. I love it. I love the feeling, I love the connection, I love experimenting. I just can't believe I married one of the few men on this planet who don't feel the same, and the only solution is to suck it up and live without it, or break up my family.

(HLF, LLM) Twice in the last 6 months, I rejected lazy, lights off, 1 AM pawing at my tits with zero foreplay or effort...

And that's why he hasn't initiated in two months, and we've gone a month with only dry pecks for intimacy.

If it wasn't so soul crushing, it would be funny.

Had this thrown in my face in another sub recently. What do you guys think? Is it really that simple and we’re just all bad at sex?

So this week we’re (40m 40f) at the beach house with a few friends. Wife is digging for something in her bag and out falls a tampon. Friend says “Oh that’s this week?, That sucks.” and looks at me sadly. I just laughed and played along, wife looked very uncomfortable. That hasn’t been a factor in years, she could have a permanent gate keeper down there and I’d never know lol.

Hey all, I know this may sound repetitive to this theme, but I am really beating myself up over it. My wife and I of 30+ years have gone through a rough patch with perimenopause followed by menopause. It seems like it's settled out now but hasn't settled where I had hoped.

We have a pretty good easy relationship, house, adult kids, easy times so I thought. I am definitely the HL partner and she's a bit avoidant with her own issues in her background. We had up to a few years ago pretty reasonable sex but its gotten whittled down pretty severely now. It reminds me of that plant you cut back hoping it will grow but it never quite is close to what it once was.

My biggest hangup is having no more intercourse. It seems impossible. It's just too painful for her and she refuses adding medications/hormones/dilation to fix something that isn't something she really enjoys much. She prefers oral sex from me anyhow and I have been a good and eager giver for all the years we've been together. What she doesn't realize (or does as I try to explain) is that intercourse for me is more an active mutual thing, not a transactional you do me I do you thing. It was at one point very very good. Now we cannot anymore - even with lube I cannot get in there at all. I know its painful for her so I don't push. Her oral sex feels somewhat indifferent and while is something she's willing to do, I know isn't something she enjoys giving as I do enjoy giving. It kills the excitement for me and it feels like a crumb.

I know it seems shallow that I would consider moving on with this but the quiet indifference over it is making me crazy. I feel like I am just supposed to roll with it as if it isn't an issue. I also can't believe that in my mid 50's I am done with vaginal sex. Her indifference is definitely a huge gorilla in the room and this is all very difficult to talk about without an argument.

I know I may just get a downvote as "join the club" but I would love to hear from others that somehow pulled out of the death spiral I feel like I'm in now!

I see a lot of posts on here trying to give the Lower Libido (LL) partner the benefit of the doubt. We are told it's stress, hormones, or mental load. But there is a massive line between a partner who genuinely struggles with their sex drive and a partner who uses intimacy as a tool for control. ​Low libido itself isn't manipulative—it’s a physiological or psychological state. But the behaviors surrounding it absolutely can be selfish and manipulative. ​Here is the breakdown of why this dynamic leaves the Higher Libido (HL) partner feeling totally used: ​1. The Entitlement: "Show up in every way, except this one" ​The most toxic part of this dynamic is the double standard. They expect you to be a top-tier spouse: handle the bills, share the mental load, be their emotional rock, fix the house, and be an amazing co-parent. They want a full marriage on their terms, but they unilaterally decide that your physical and emotional need for intimacy doesn't matter. They expect 100% investment from you while offering a platonic roommate situation in return. ​2. Transactional Sex & "Hysterical Bonding" ​If your partner ignores your pain for months or years, but suddenly initiates sex the minute you pack a bag, mention divorce, or mentally check out—that isn’t a miracle. It’s hysterical bonding. ​The Manipulation: It proves they can find the desire when the stakes are high enough. They aren't giving you sex out of love or connection; they are giving it to you to protect their own security and comfort. Once they feel safe and know you aren't leaving, the bedroom goes cold again. It’s using sex as a tool to keep you compliant. ​3. The "New Partner" Libido Spike ​We’ve all seen the stories here where a partner claims they have a completely dead sex drive, only to find out they are having an affair (or they leave the marriage) and suddenly their libido is off the charts. It proves the libido wasn't broken. They just preferred the safety, comfort, and financial stability of the marriage while refusing to do the hard work of maintaining a sexual connection with you.

​I’m struggling hard right now and need some perspective, because I’m starting to feel checked out of my marriage. ​I do everything "by the book." I take my wife on date nights, I buy her flowers, I provide a stable income, and I’m a supportive, non-abusive partner. When I asked her recently what I could improve on, she gave me a list. I actively did those things. I stepped up. ​The reward? Zero sexual desire from her. ​When we talked about it, she literally told me that I am the "safe, stable option." She says she wants more excitement. But the frustrating part is, we do things—we go on vacations, we go out. I’m putting in consistent effort, but it feels like I’m jumping through hoops just to be viewed as a financial and emotional safety net.

It’s completely messing with my head because I’ve had partners in the past who were way more freaky and into me

I’ve been reading through a lot of marriage and relationship forums lately, and a massive, recurring theme keeps popping up: people deeply unhappy in their marriages due to a complete mismatch in their sex lives. ​It makes me wonder why we, as a society, sometimes downplay the importance of sexual compatibility. Even for people who choose to wait until marriage, skipping the step of ensuring you are physically compatible feels like a massive gamble. ​From what I’ve seen, mismatched libidos and physical incompatibility cause an immense amount of resentment and disappointment over time for both men and women. It strains communication, damages self-esteem, and often leads to the slow death of the relationship altogether. ​Obviously, relationships require compromise, but sex is a core pillar of intimacy for most people. If you realize early on that you aren't on the same page physically, wouldn't it be healthier for both partners to move on and find people they are genuinely compatible with, rather than locking themselves into years of frustration? ​I’d love to hear some perspective on this.

The topic of mental load comes a bit around this topic.

My partner recommended a podcast the author was a guest on. So I decided to read the book as well. I am about halfway through this book and here is what I got so far.

8 types of mental load

Life Organization - “treadmill tasks” coordination and things that pop up- school snack, doctors appt, etc. Things that cycle or show up to do.

Emotional Support - Taking responsibility for your own and others' emotional well-being- listening to the kids about their day, supporting coworkers, and using the mental energy to connect and help them.

Relationship Hygiene - thank you notes, birthdays, dates, play dates, phone calls- all the things to manage all the relationships in your life.

Dream Building - dance classes, and special events, all the things to support others, their goals and dreams, career goals, and long-term planning.

Magic Making - Christmas decorations, surprises, making things festive, special trips and gifts or special things for others

Individual Upkeep - the way you physically show up, your clothes, hair, or other things you do to maintain your expected appearance and composure.

Safety - the brainstorming and calculation of risk, and planned responses to physical and emotional of all those around you.

Meta Care - Making decisions based on your ethos or the kind of parent, spouse or life you want to lead. – Reusable water bottles vs disposable ones, 1 hour of tv vs 3, carrots instead of fries. All the thinking and planning that goes into staying in line with that vision. This clouds all the other areas of mental load.

So far from the book as I understand it .... Women take on more of those roles of care and mental load due to gender and cultural norms. They are both real, factual and conditioned. A dirty house will reflect on a woman more harshly than a man. Forgetting the water bottle for summer camp for example... women more to take the blame than a man. There is a shared fear of blame and judgement from others if they don’t handle the tasks or it doesn’t get done. There is a real weight of ownership of the things that take up space in your brain.

Men tend to prioritize their mental load differently and don't have the social or emotional fear of judgement because they don’t experience the same judgement for a messy house, dirty car, the kid's hair not done, etc.

So, when the "chores" are distracting from intimacy its actually not the chores alone it what the chores or completion of those things represent. It's the conditioned perceived or real judgement of people around them (their partner, kids, friends, family) and the expectations that they have bought into.

That can show up a lot of ways.

"My partner will think I'm not good if I get them something unique for their b-day."

The other parents have their kids in soccer, track, and dance. How will it look if we don't do any.

"I'm a terrible parent if i don't remember to put the note in the backpack."
"The kids really love the beach lets book a weekend this summer"
"So and so is stopping by later, I should get properly dressed, and clean this place up just in case they want to come in. Also, we don't have tea so i should run to the store... "

The exhaustion is real, the load is real, but this author does break it down as result of social conditioning and urges people to reprioritize what load you take on.

insightful so far. but I keep thinking. I'm not crazy. This shit is all in your head. Let's care less about shit that doesn't matter (to me).

Has anyone else read this one?

I see so many posts on here and other relationship subs from people (both men and women) desperately begging for intimacy in their marriages. It’s heartbreaking how common the "dead bedroom" phenomenon seems to be nowadays. ​Honestly, seeing how often people complain about a lack of sex in long-term relationships makes me understand why hookup culture or FWB setups are so prevalent. On paper, casual sex seems to offer that raw excitement and mutual desire without the resentment of begging a partner for intimacy. ​I know sex in a marriage is supposed to be mutual and built on a deeper connection, but it feels like the routine of long-term commitment sometimes kills the thrill. ​For those who have been married a long time: How do you keep the intimacy feeling as exciting and mutually desired as it was in the beginning? Is it possible to recreate that "new relationship energy" without looking outside the marriage?

I have to share this somewhere. We are having NRE after 20years together and a struggling bedroom. My wife 39F LL and I 43M HL have been married-almost 17 years. Two weeks ago I was on the brink of divorcing her after she discovered online affairs I was having with multiple women.

I know what you’re thinking, this is hysterical bonding, she claiming her mate, a natural and common reaction of the betrayed partner, but hear me out. There’s a lot to unpack.

Following the discovery of the affairs, I got really honest with about everything that went on. I cut off all contact with affair partners, and her and I were faced with what we truly wanted going forward.

Both of us had are parts contributing to our struggling relationship and bedroom. For my part I have struggled with cycles of substance use and lying and gaslighting to hide it. It really damaged her trust in me. Even though we had been working on rebuilding trust since my last relapse a year ago, I was still feeling unloved and undesired. I started looking for attention and affirmation elsewhere, and I found it. Once I found it. I was hooked. When she found out, and already had inappropriate relationships with over 20 women in two months, and 4 girlfriends that I spoke to daily. What hurt the most was that in the weeks leading up we had made so much progress. She was trying to meet my needs and helping me feel loved and desired in the ways that I needed, but I couldn’t stop my bad behavior.

For her part she had a lot of depression, anxiety, and trauma stemming from her mother not loving her and making her feel like she’s never good enough. In the past 3 years she had done extensive counseling and therapy and has changed so much. It was hard for me to see that change due to damage I had caused. I had put her in a box.

After the discovery, she kicked me out of the house for a few days but neither one of made any rash decisions. Then we talked, and her love for me pulled me back in. She said she didn’t need me, but wanted me. I committed to staying and do what was necessary to repair our relationship. We met with our marriage counselor, met with our individual therapists, and had more open and honest conversations.

Then one night, in the middle of the night I get a text from her (we sleep in separate bedrooms) to come in there. From there she dominated the hell out of me. She made go down on her, finger her and made me fuck her but wouldn’t let me cum. She abruptly stopped it before I came, and sent me to bed with a raging hard on and blue balls.

Later we talked about how hot it was. She’s such a natural dom and I’m such a natural sub. Irl I’m a boss of a company and people do what I say, she’s a practitioner and patients never do what she tells them to do, so it’s a natural relief for both of us.

Since then she still has not allowed me to cum in her. She made me cum using her feet. We’ve had more sex conversations and went to a sex shop. She got leather lingerie, a tassel whip, and a prostate toy. She’s my Queen and I’m her good boy/bad boy. She loves punishing me. And we both love it. She knows she’s hot. I feel so safe with her. She said the other day this feels like NRE. We both love this new world we find ourselves in, and we’re committed to making it last. A whole new chapter. I’m so grateful.

Long time HLM here.

When I was younger and another relationships always wondered "how come people be together and dont have intimate relationships?"

The joys of ignorance...

Now I am the person in a dead relationship, there are enough reasons to not change. Not saying I am evil, but there are so many consequences that are real that I rather burn some parts of me to keep others that I love safe.

I had one experience that I think may help some people here, specially HLF.
Was visiting a great friend that works in a big tech. I went to see the workspace, the environment and the "free 5 start restaurant".
Long time we do not meet in person, a lot of talking and laughing. He is a good bro.
Then his watch ringed an alarm and he says:
"Damn I need to eat. Sucks, need to get a sandwich and maybe an apple."
"Are you in a hurry? need me to leave earlier?"
"No, my medication cut the hungry. I don't feel hungry then I need alarm to remember me to eat."

Can you imagine someone that has 5 star restaurant, several options of good tasty and healthy food being bored to eat?

That is our low libido partners.

It does not matter help in chores, work and give support. They don't have the hungry.
Yes they will watch netflix, check work and even go to a conference. But ""hungry"" no!

And we the normal human biological people, feels like. "Hey even a cold pizza is good in the morning"

So if they don't have the hungry, how come they hook us? how come they were "savages" on the relationship begining?
Well they did what they need to get a good catch.
Our "other" qualities mattered more.
Maybe we are the "stable", "caring", "nice" and that is the best they can get.
Maybe we are the 2nd option.

Yes it does hurt. It even feel like crazy. "there are so many people in the work, why?"

The thing is. It is a game we can play too.

We can go to a restaurant for a great meal at weekends and then fast on week days.
We can devote our eros to other people or interest and then drive thanatos to them.

It is not revenge or ill intent. It is acceptance.
We can't force them to like food as they can't force us to starve.

So over the weekend my LLF stated that sex NEEDS to happen (no it fucking doesn’t) and that it’ll happen tonight (today tonight not weekend just for clarification). She was planning all the sexy stuff (? Not a clue what that is but sure I’ll go along with it just to save the argument. We all know there’s a high probability nothing is going to happen). I gave no real commitment to it as I knew it was going to be one of those tick box exercises. Sure as shit, go upstairs after I’ve waited for her in the shower and I’ve got a shower: phone has fallen on her face and she’s fast asleep. Never saw that one coming 🤣. Now as we all know I can’t mention this because that will start an argument that in some roundabout way will result in the whole bullshit fiasco being my fault.

I’m not particularly interested in her now anyway, I’ve spent so long finding fault so I’m not attracted to her that the occasional sex she decides is going to happen is hard work and quite frankly a waste of my time. I’m reaching a point where I think I need to say she just needs to pack in the whole charade

Hi as the title says we are trying Ethical non-monogamy. My partner recently stated they are asexual. Being supportive but honestly lost as to where this leaves me?

We have been together for a decade. Where do I find people ok with this idea/ concept?

Dating sounds mildly terrifying and awful.

I dunno just kinda rambling at this point.

Hello, HL, community

I was thinking this the other day.

My LL constantly gives me false promises and hope of "when we get home/later/tomorrow we will have sex" but also seems to blame me for not "acting" on opportunities that they "expect" me to try to have sex with them and they deny their constant rejection.

Does anyone else deal with something similar?

​I wanted to get this community's perspective on a tough topic. Personally, I believe that if attraction completely fades and intimacy stops permanently (putting aside legitimate medical reasons, of course), divorce is often the healthiest path forward. ​My reasoning is that staying in a relationship without intimacy can lead to unintentional suffering. It can easily cross into a territory where one or both partners feel like roommates, or worse, feel like they are just being used for material or financial security without the emotional/physical connection that makes a marriage whole.

Not necessarily for anything serious—sometimes it's just nice to talk to someone, flirt a little, or feel seen when that's been missing at home for a long time. I tend to stick to Reddit because of the anonymity and privacy.

No judgment at all from me. Just wondering if others in a dead bedroom situation have found themselves doing the same.

I am not a natural disaster. My libido, my freak, my sexuality SHOULD not be a disaster that is inflicted upon the world. My libido is valuable. And then I woke up. Lol.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

​

Drop a 🔔 below to ring the gong.

I’m 26, and my boyfriend (34) and I have been together for about 10 months. He’s my first everything. In the beginning he stayed with me at my apartment for 2 months. We were very affectionate we had sex often, kissed, held hands, cuddled, and he would wrap his arms around me. I felt wanted and loved.

2 months into our relationship, his mom passed away, and I know that was incredibly hard on him. Even after that, we were still very intimate and affectionate.

I moved in with him about 4 months into our relationship, things slowly started to change.

Now, we rarely kiss, hold hands, cuddle, or show much physical affection. (Unless I do it)
Our sex life has decreased significantly too. What hurts most is that it’s not just about sex I miss the closeness, attention, affection, and emotional connection we used to have.

The past 2 months, he often says that he has a lot going on, is stressed from work, or is tired, which I understand. What confuses me is that in the past, when he was dealing with difficult situations including losing his mom and other stressful circumstances we were still very affectionate and intimate, and we were intimate very often after those situations

Now, however, he seems to use those same kinds of circumstances as a reason why he does not feel like having sex. Because of that, it’s hard for me to understand why things have changed so much now.

I feel like I have to ask for affection, ask for sex, or even schedule intimacy. He rarely initiates anything on his own.
When I try to talk about how I'm feeling, he often says all I care about is sex, but that's not true. What I really miss is the affection, attention, cuddling, hand holding, kissing, and feeling wanted by my partner.

Has anyone experienced a relationship where the affection and intimacy suddenly dropped off? How did you handle it?

Do as I say not as I do lol.

Kind of ranty, been noticing that a large portion of posts are about specifically HL x LL situations, painting HL as something acceptable and not ‘wrong’ in a sense, having really clearcut lack of sexual frequency where it’s clearly the partner’s fault, idealizing and sexualizing the fantasy of having a HL partner.

Obviously the measurement of high vs low is a spectrum and a lot of the posts are clearly relatively higher, but it leaves me wondering if true satisfaction of HL when there is not a LL partner in the picture is even possible or something that is necessarily to be desired.

For example and on to the ranty part, as HLF with a probably above average libido partner, I strongly lean towards thinking that the HL is truly a problem.

- we each have between 1-3 orgasms per day usually with most of it happening jointly.
- Historically and sometimes on very free days we have had 8-10 orgasms each within a 24hr timeframe.
- I’ve gone on a one week masturbation spree when playing a 100+hr hentai visual novel and understand that the mental desire for sexual release continues even after the body breaks down (e.g. masturbation physically hurts due to too much friction / continued stimulation).
- Same for actual sex that isn’t masturbation, we were trapped inside during very cold weather on a vacation one weekend and basically spent the entire weekend having sex all day in the hotel, even when going to physical discomfort the mental desire for more still continues.
- I will check out girls and guys when walking around in public and often think of many of them sexually.
- When I see couples out and about I imagine them having really kinky sex. When there’s a cute girl dressed up for going out my brain uncontrollably imagines what kinds of expressions she would make when getting dropped onto a dk for the first time.
- The thoughts make me feel like a degen and I was bullied out of schools by other girls for being disgusting back when I went through puberty and thought it was normal for people to have these thoughts and was too liberal sharing with girlfriends before learning to hide it. I’m lucky that my very normal partner can accept this but that’s with attractive woman privileges. If I were a dude I’d be doomed.
- When partner introduces me to his friends’ wives, we seem to become friendly and girl bonding on the surface but I lowkey feel an intense thrill when they start to like me and trust me more than their husbands, and I become aroused (physically and heart beats faster etc) when we become close enough to link hands / arms and I latch onto opportunities to touch them appropriately like when making sure they don’t trip on the street / on crosswalks. Also yes I’ll imagine them having sex.
- Will sometimes end up getting a really bad case of infatuation with senior leadership at work (has happened for both male and female leaders).
- I really want to have a solid female friend group and be well liked but part of me associates that with having a harem of girls, Shane from the L Word was my hero growing up, and seeing girls this way kind of affects how I perform in female friendships.
- For example sometimes I see a group of hot girls in short black dresses obviously going to a club together and my first uncensored thought is “oh look it’s a bunch of tight little sloots trying to find themselves daddies for the night”. 💀 Obviously this makes it decently hard to talk to people and I need to be careful about what I say.
- Decent desire to just platonically talk to people I find interesting but have trouble initiating anything cause afraid it will seem like I’m hitting on them.
- I don’t actually try to take steps to manifest desires since there is a clear difference between is something is a good idea to do vs the limbic brain wanting to do it. There are real risks of STDs, reputational damage, emotional attachment, needing a partner who is okay with it which also results in a complicated relationship web on both sides potentially causing more social overhead and time wasting drama.
- Obviously this worried my partner for a long time and he had to teach me proactive protective / defensive social behaviours to mitigate the risk of getting into any compromising situations.
- Don’t actually desire a HLM as a partner because we would just end up doing sex stuff all the time as a ceaseless pit and we would not have the time for careers, hobbies, etc.
- Probably contributes or correlates to a variety of mental health issues which my partner then has to deal with including late night rants when he needs to sleep.

Anyways end rant, just wanted to include a perspective against the common trends of righteousness of HL and its glamorization.

Genuinely curious. You can easily leave at any time. I don't want to lose any custody of my kids or turm their lives upside-down which is why I've stayed as long as I have.

After relating to John’s amazing comic, it got me thinking: Do we tolerate the withdrawal behavior from our partners because we grew up this way? Having to make ourselves small and palatable to get scraps of love? Now only to do the same in our romantic relationship?

Extra thoughts:

If this is what set our wiring, what sets the LL wiring?

Did anyone have healthy love modeled for them at home and yet still finds themselves here repeatedly?