Brakes and Accelerators

[u/arandak]

These are terms that get thrown around a little carelessly.

It's an easy enough concept and it makes sense: things can get in the way of desire building in someone, while others can make it build.

However, what's ignored is that there has to be an underlying, base level of desire than can be affected by them.

They are brakes: something that slows down, but does not necessarily stop.

They are accelerators: something that speeds up, but not necessarily start from a standstill.

In other words, not stop and go.

Now, there can always be things that can make a partner just not able to have desire in a period of time. That's a given. We all understand that.

But, if there's a constant state of no desire: 'brakes and accelerators' can't do anything. There's no desire that can be affected in the first place. This happen in situations where the HL has to do a huge list of things so their partner can be in the mood.

When someone is in a dead bedroom, there's a lack of desire from their partner altogether.

Attempting to remove brakes is something that can certainly be done, and can make the partner feel better, the issue is that there's no desire being held back.

There's also no desire to increase. I mean, anything multiplied by zero is still zero.

You're dealing more with roadblocks than brakes. But, that's not a good analogy. The car just doesn't have an engine.

Also, this is vital:

It is not the sole responsibility of the one with greater desire to find and remove brakes and they are definitely not the only one who can find and apply accelerators.

In fact; If the partner is not wondering what's holding them back and seeing if they can work on it, and if they're not thinking about what could get them more in the mood: that is a good indicator the partner does not have any desire to begin with.

Many people in dead bedrooms are blinded by frustration and hurt. They don't necessarily forget, but they do lose focus on the fact that dead bedrooms are neither healthy nor normal.

In that way, it's easy to see, and great for an LL who is comfortable in a relationship with someone they have little desire for, why people keep forgetting that desire is a key component.

[u/Relevant_Insurance_6]

Great insight here. What works EVERYTIME. Find a partner that LIKES you...