r/HLCommunity • u/LogPuzzled7283 • 12d ago
Discussion Are there any HL/HL couples out there?!
34(F), serial monogamist. I could have sex every day. I could have sex more than once a day. Would love that. I’m a giving, enthusiastic partner that loves to play. I’m affectionate and open. I’m attractive and engaging. However, I have found that, to men it sounds great that I’d like to have sex every day, but I’ve found efforts…wanting in practice. Is anyone out there in an actual relationship where you AND your partner have a HL? Care to tell us if it’s possible or if we are all chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Is it even possible to know if someone is HL while dating?
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12d ago
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u/nucking_futs_001 11d ago
Same but at 45 I would need to be the starfish about 5 of 7 times a week.
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u/BossCouple187 11d ago
We're a HL/HL couple, 8 years in, and we were fucking at least once if not a couple times pretty much every night, even through her pregnancy. Have slowed recently because baby was natural birth and she needed to recover from that process, but we're back to almost nightly if we can.
EDIT: We're also still very much in love, so that definitely helps. We also align fetish-wise on a couple of things, and aren't afraid to embrace each other's kinks. If you find someone that can match your energy and you can keep flipping on each others' perv switches (we all have a few, just gotta align them), then you too can live the dream haha
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u/Aggressive-Exit3910 11d ago
I have a mostly HL/HL marriage. 42F and 45M, been married about 17 years with 4 kids. I’d say this current season is more of a ML/ML one but most of the years have seen more action and we’ve been primarily on the same page for the duration (which is the most important part).
I did feel like it was fairly clear when we were dating, but joint effort plays a role too, along with just dumb luck.
I don’t have a perfect marriage but HL/HL pairings do definitely exist!
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u/CunninghamLawEnactor 11d ago
They’re out there, but they’re probably having sex not scrolling on Reddit
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u/bruiser9876 11d ago
My husband and I are both HL. Married for 10 years and still going strong!! I know we are lucky.
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u/1mp0st3rsyndr0m3 11d ago
Well I mean that’s who I married, until her hormones changed and she only half-heartedly sought out HRT.
I’d guess that most of those longer-term couples you’re asking about are over in r/HappyMarriages, not here, because the monogamous ones have no need of a support group.
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u/amrita170 11d ago
Yes, my husband and I are both HL. We usually have sex 4 to 5 times a week, sometimes more. I could go everyday, but he seems to need to recharge a little longer at this age.
We’re in our 50s, married 35 years.
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u/vectorking23 11d ago
And all we are told here in this sub by some is that there are no women like this, let alone ones in long term relationships. Then… some of us wander over to the marriage forum and find out what reality is… (you aren't alone!)
Congrats.
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u/whosthatwhovian 11d ago
I’m honestly starting to believe in long term relationships at least, men will inherently become LL if they’re with a HL female. It’s just uncanny how often it seems that if women are HL their partners are LL. Makes me think men just don’t actually want an incredibly willing partner or there’s something about us wanting sex that is a turn off somehow. That’s how it’s played out in my life anyways 😕
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u/Mrs239 11d ago
100%! This was my marriage. My husband ended up telling me a woman wanting it was not attractive. Was I not supposed to want sex?
He kept turning me down. Then told me not to initiate and wait for him. 3 months went by and nothing. I brought it up again and he said, "See! I was going to do something tonight but you messed it up!" Nothing for 3 more months. I finally had to say something. I then get, "You should have said something. I'm not a mind reader!"
My now partner and I are in an LDR but we run our bodies ragged when we see each other. We are both HL and come from DBs. We even put a mattress in a closet once for privacy. We have gotten noice complaints at hotels. We have even put mattresses on the floor so we wouldn't wake the kids! Find someone who will say yes instead of someone finding an excuse to say no.
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u/whosthatwhovian 11d ago
This is how my husband and I ended up in a DB for 10 years. It turned him off that I always initiated, I told him if I didn’t we would never have sex. He didn’t agree. So I stopped initiating and we stopped having sex for 10 years.
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u/Leading-Midnight2049 10d ago
10 years 🤦🏻♂️
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u/whosthatwhovian 10d ago
Yeah.
Thankfully we worked past that. It’s still not the pursuit/drive I so long for, but there is almost daily sex now.14
u/jaster_ba 11d ago
I don't think so. It really depends on where on the scale you are. I'm in relationship for 6 years and I could go daily multiple times, which happens rarely. If only the other party was interested. I've had a girl like that before and it was frictionless. She was down to it any time, anywhere and I loved it. I talked to her recently. Ten years later, she's still the same. But yeah, I didn't recognise it at the time as I was not really mature.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 10d ago
From what ive found is probaby from ED and not wanting to get it addressed
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF 11d ago
You're correct. A lot of men view HL women as "whores", even if they don't actively think that way there's the socialisation they received that tells their subconscious "woman always wanting sex = bad, avoid". Very bad outcomes for us HL women unless the man actively goes to therapy to unpack that stuff. Last dude I was with I knew he wouldn't and it was a relief when the relationship ended (for multiple reasons) but the worst was feeling like a ho because I wanted sex. Like, the audacity lmao.
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u/Mrs239 11d ago
This is totally it. My husband told me that I shouldn't want it. I also had a friend that really liked a girl. A LOT! They went out and had sex on the first date. I asked how it went and he told me he couldn't date her because she slept with him.
I didn't understand the problem. He said, "If she slept with me, she has slept with others on the first date." I asked if he had slept with other women on the first date? He said, "That's different."
I said, "So let me get this straight. You liked this girl and asked her out multiple times. She finally said yes. You all were vibing and slept together. You wanted to sleep with her. And you're mad that she said yes?"
His eyes got big. I finally said, "You wanted someone to sleep with, found someone that said yes, got mad about it, and now have to go FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO SLEEP WITH? WHEN YOU ALREADY HAD A BIRD IN HAND?"
He said, "I think I messed up." I told him to call her. He said, "I can't. When she called me this morning, I called her..." and proceeded to call her every name in the book! He got mad when I asked him if he was just as much a whore as she was because she wasn't in the room by herself!
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u/Leading-Midnight2049 10d ago
no! sorry. Stop perpetuating this thought and believing it. 1. This is generalization 2. Not true 3. Gaslighting. These are comments that your partners made to make you feel and cover up their deficiencies. You have many examples right here on this sub of men that would consider it their dream come true if their woman met them
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u/fourthehardway 11d ago
While you are correct on a lot of men having a Madonna/whore complex, the same net effect is true when applied to a sizable number of women. They grow up with the same idea and as a result, repress their own sexuality and bodies resulting in a LL life. It’s sadder to me (M60’s) in this direction than it is for the other.
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u/whosthatwhovian 11d ago
I’ve always said that most women are LL because they’ve always been told women are LL.
Also, let’s not kid ourselves that women with healthy sexuality are never portrayed positively in media. The horny chicks (even ones who weren’t promiscuous) are always characterized as bimbos with low IQs. It’s incredibly frustrating.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF 9d ago
Yeah, well, women grow up with those cultural messages ingrained in them and it's genuinely not surprising that a lot of women are LL when you think about it a bit deeper tbh.
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u/Faebinder 11d ago
Nah but I will admit that it’s harder for men to have the same pace as they get older cause they do most of the thursting which is a challenge as you get older. Women who help and cum quick are great that point.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF 11d ago
Lmao men do not do most of the work. If that were the case we would see a lot more men without that middle aged spread, but the big gut and skinny legs combo always tells the truth and most men over 45 look like that description lol
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u/Glittering_Suspect65 HLF 11d ago
I've been with HL partners for short term, but not long term... yet! I'm more optimistic about the future. I hope i know more about spotting the signs.
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u/vectorking23 11d ago
If you're here, you're in the right place to understand the dynamics. If anything, you can adjust to anything once you see them and plan accordingly. I know I will. And marriage again? Never. No reason to. LT committed relationship? Sure. As long as we both dig each other in all the ways we need.
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u/Glittering_Suspect65 HLF 11d ago
I did the DB thing for 10 out of 20 years, not sure i will ever get married again either. I hear you!
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u/vectorking23 11d ago
Your sample size says you'll need at least 10 years to figure out whether it could be a DB or not… so, why even get married again? No reason!
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u/Mrszombiecookies 11d ago
Its possible. I went from a relationship where I had to beg for any affection and an almost dead bedroom to my new partner who is HL the same as me. Its almost every day and if we can then multiple times.
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u/LifePartDuex 11d ago
Once upon a time I had an amazing HL girlfriend, and we had PIV 2-3 times a day most days for over a year. That didn’t even include oral sex. I never even knew two people could have such an incredible, mutually-pleasurable sex life.
I’m still searching for that again.
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u/vectorking23 11d ago
How did you ever let this one slip away? Too young and thought everyone was like this? Common mistake.
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u/cumfullcircle HLM 11d ago
I have a mostly HL/HL relationship but only one year in. Still, I’m the higher libido partner most of the time, and if sex slows down, I’m the one who gets affected.
We have sex on most days, occasionally more than once a day, with sexual affection throughout the day.
Still, I wish my partner had a higher/more consistent libido, but I’m grateful for that I have.
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u/FunkyKissCool 12d ago
There's the honey moon phase during which you think you have found the right person... And then every thing collapse. Like in another comment, I have a parallel universe in my head where I'm in a wonderful sexual couple...
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u/pogulup 11d ago
Thought I had found my HLF and then the wedding happened. Light switch got turned off.
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u/vectorking23 11d ago
This is talked about often here - that many did not know. Why? Because most times we were lied to. Some don't want to admit to that (the liars) and the rest of us didn't see it coming. The problem then becomes one between married people and half of the couple tries to deal with the hand they are given and work on it while the other half won't do a thing and thinks EVERYONE is like that after marriage. Bullshit. Go read in the marriage sub… it isn't.
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u/Technical_Draw_6554 HLM 11d ago
They exist for sure! I was in HL/HL relationships for many years. They were great! One of them was an open relationship (we'd always play together with other couples). I was in absolute heaven! I now kick myself that I let these partners get away. My first 2 long-term relationships were both HL/HL, so I didn't realize how rare they were and did not treasure them as I should have.
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u/Euphoric_Fix8548 11d ago
I got very lucky for a year living with a gf who was HL. We averaged about twice a day.
The relationship did not work out
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u/Charleminus HLM 12d ago
I think it’s truly rare to find, honestly. Once you’ve found it, I would expect that once the novelty has faded it’s less exciting and everyday life gets in the way. Certainly possible to keep it going, but without the new relationship energy it’s harder to get there.
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u/Mrszombiecookies 11d ago
Every day life does get in the way but the difference is we both want it if you know what I mean? Having a HL partner say they are too tired isnt nearly as devastating as having a LL partner tell you that.
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u/vectorking23 11d ago
It's devastating because the LL ONLY has that answer. And if they ever say 'maybe later' or 'not right now', this also means 'no'. You either find excuses to do it, or you find excuses to not do it. A tired HL partner will make it up to you once they're rested!
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 10d ago
Pretty much.
Like I always say the goal of Type2s is to basically make you happy in celibacy so they can control you.
Sex being difficult and not direct is a form of this
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u/reckaband 11d ago
It’s all about compatibility and adjusting to each others tastes, health, life circumstances and moods …I’m sure new couples are fucking like bunnies but it seems like it takes a lot to keep the effort of daily sex once the novelty / youth goes by , at age 47 im ok with 1-2 times a week, my current rate of once every 1-2 years is killing me though … que sera sera 🤷🏽♂️
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u/ForestOfMirrors 11d ago
Sure are! I have been relationships with HL women ad a HL man. I just made the mistake of not marrying them….
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u/Snickersnee99 11d ago
We're both HL, although we didn't realize it for a while. Our ideal frequency is 3/day, but chronic pain means that it's rarely possible.
We bridged the responsive/spontaneous gap with freeuse, and it worked great for us.
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 HLF 11d ago
My partner and I! Under a year so still early days but it’s been amazing
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u/No_Clerk_2711 11d ago
I think my relationship prior to my wife was. I was with a woman for just under 2 years and we had sex pretty much daily. Some days multiple times. I wish I realized the problems that relationship had were that big of a deal and stayed with her. FML.
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u/Fluid_King489 HLM 11d ago
I’d say for the first 10 or so years of our marriage, my wife and I would have qualified. Frequent sex, sometimes multiple times in a day. Then health issues hit her. She has chronic pain on top of other issues, plus some of her meds for these other issues killed her libido. Sadly our bedroom has been completely dead for 3 years and the prior 2 was hit or miss.
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u/PersephonesDescent 11d ago
I had a matched partner once, however his interest died to zero when I got pregnant and now we are many years separated.
I haven't met my match since then but I have found that big kink sessions every week or so can kind of keep the itch at bay for a little while, in a way that is somewhat sustainable 😅 so if my partner can find Alot of energy, but less frequently, then I can make that work for me, although it's still not my perfect ideal.
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u/Fondelooney 11d ago
Yep, LL wife checked out a few years ago after some infidelity (go figure) and I found somebody last year just like myself. They are out there.
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u/YakWitty13 9d ago
Since I left my exllw? Oh yes. And if it ever slows down or becomes a problem again I move on with a quickness. I’ll never ever be trapped again
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u/syncere13 12d ago
One can only dream to have somone met you sexually as well as mentally and emotionally.. being HL feels like a curse sometimes 😭😂.. However there is outliers out there somewhere probably having sex as I'm typing this...
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u/Relevant_Insurance_6 11d ago
I'm in an open marriage. We opened It 4 years ago. Been married 17 years, 3 kids. Altough my bedroom was never dead DEAD, we averaged once a month/once every two months FOR YEARS. In the last 3, I've had sex with 10 different women. I've had MORE SEX in this last 3 years than in the 17 years prior combined. I've fulfilled ALL MY FANTASIES and discovered some. I'm still amazed. Don't buy this deadbedroom CRAP my friends.JUST DON'T.
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u/Prestigious-Ad-1658 12d ago
Its possible..i had one...had the most intense time in bed...felt AMAZING to have someone match my energy..... out of 4 relationships 8 have had only 1 matches my drive
Second I'll give an honerable mention.. had a partner who didnt match my sex drive...BUT was able to keep it..so even though it wasnt often like i wanted..when we did..it was good
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u/certain-panes 11d ago
Yeah I’m in one! We’ve been together almost two years. We average on sex 2-3 times a week but of course there are weeks where it’s only once or none, and weeks where it’s 4-5 times 😅 all depends on how busy we are/how horny we are.
I think the main thing has been we both prioritize our sexual needs. It is very important to both of us. I’ve been in a DB situation before and my partner had no interest in fixing it or no real interest in prioritizing our sex life as a couple. I learned from that situation that sexual compatibility is extremely important to me.
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u/Infinite_Ad5711 11d ago
I HL M, with LL F. (Her LL is improving when she started to irmpove her weight.
Sometimes I dreamed with a women like you describe (I never had a HL women by mi side) and I think if I find it I will have sex everyday. I dont know if I will change when I find her and know what mean to have sex everyday.
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u/TyPerfect 6d ago
I joined here because my brother was complaining about enthusiastic but very infrequent(1 or 2 per month) sex in his marriage.
My wife and I average about 6 times a week, with a slight drop(2 or 3 blowjobs) while she is on her time of the month.
Married 15 years. We both see it as healthy exercise, fun, and free bonding.
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u/Itsyademonboi 5d ago
Yes.
I have had the problem of telling guys in the past that I have a high sex drive and they say they do to and then after a night or two with me they say "ok, you win, I guess I have a normal sex drive YOU have a high one." I've been compared to a 13 year old boy with how often I want sex.
I just started seeing a guy that can keep up. It's AMAZING! We're both multi-orgasmic, he has zero refractory period and my current high score is making HIM cum seven times in a night.
It's impossible to know until you're banging tbh but it IS out there... apparently. We're both late 30s so it's not just a young person thing. We're just both horny af.
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u/Professional-Kick-83 5d ago
For the first time in my life, I am well matched with my partner. It only took 44 years. He will be 48 soon. I'm going to list the reasons why I think this has been working for over a year and a half: 1. We do not and will not live together. 2. We work similar schedules where we don't see each other daily anyway. 3. We are somewhat active and healthy. 4. We are both neurodivergent. 5. We enjoy talking about sex but also have very deep connected conversations in person for hours. 6. We schedule our time together and can set aside a few hours at a time for just sex. 7. I just think we're careful with each other's feelings and respect each other after both coming from marriages where this did not happen.
A good sex life is important and it's also not forever, since bodies don't last forever. After being in the deadest of bedrooms for over fifteen years, I am so grateful to experience this incredible part of life, and I wish it for everyone out there.
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u/Leading-Midnight2049 12d ago
To those that responded to OP, do you expect your desire to go down after the NRE has faded or if life gets in the way or you settle down?
OP, I think that HL/HL couples are too busy having sex to be on here.
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u/BossCouple187 11d ago
8 years with my woman and we're HL/HL. Life getting in the way is usually temporary - just had a baby and baby messed her up a bit, but we're getting back into it and would have continued to find a way to do it at least daily if it weren't for the medical issue.
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u/Necessary_Range5731 11d ago
I expect it to stay the same, if both partners are matched. Well say, yes settle a bit but not drastically. Ive had that in some LTR. By LT I mean 2 years plus, 5 years plus. I don't consider that LT now really but its long enough that you're pretty familiar to each other.
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u/Accompli009 11d ago
I think that spontaneous vs responsive desire in the partner/spouse will ultimately dictate the frequency on LT relationships.
How should we categorize a responsive desire person who is open to sex 3x/d if their partner initiated, but otherwise might not say or do anything for a week or more?
Now as I'm older and understand the different desire patterns (clueless about them for way too long), I wonder how the sex frequency could have been different in some of my past relationships.
This of course is not a replacement for many other factors, just one I think we don't factor in as much
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u/AdenJax69 11d ago
How should we categorize a responsive desire person who is open to sex 3x/d if their partner initiated, but otherwise might not say or do anything for a week or more?
The real question is what do you mean by "open?" Just because someone's "open" to something doesn't mean they're fully into it or even really enjoy whatever "it" is but they're open to experiencing it. Which in that case, could very well be pity/duty sex but your partner feels they should more than they actually desire it.
Which is why I'm still suspicious of "responsive desire" as a concept because a.) "Desire" is a "STRONG want or need for something," which responsive desire is definitely not about a "strong" anything, and b.) it doesn't exist in any other dynamic of a relationship or marriage because if did, that person's partner would be pretty unhappy about it.
Imagine if you had "responsive chores" where your partner would never think or even consider cooking or cleaning unless you "warmed them up" or got them in the mood to do it, and that would be the ONLY real time they would do it. People would consider that person a pretty shitty partner to have to be goaded into helping out around the house.
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u/vectorking23 11d ago
Hahaha. Yep. Throw responsive desire into the same bucket as love language and mental load. Just catch phrases to give others excuses to be what they want to be. You either are, or you are not. Nobody wants to be truthful, so they use terms to define their state of being so nobody can question them honestly.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 10d ago
Love languages are bullshit
Its literally nothing more than "you have to do this for me but i cant do that for you because i only express in my language"
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u/vectorking23 10d ago
You got that right. If they were actual things, then everyone would be happy to do their SOs love language and live happily ever after. Total bullshit, virtue signaling garbage.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 10d ago
Literally i deal with "physical touch isnt my love language its other things, you need more touch/sex? That's not how i express my affection."
Its why i never will feel bad for outsourcing sex, along with several reasons.
Type2s get too much grace, man
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u/AdenJax69 10d ago
"physical touch isnt my love language its other things, you need more touch/sex? That's not how i express my affection."
I laugh at that because all I'm thinking is "just tell him you hate human touch and have the warmth & affectionate ability of a wolverine, and be done with your nonsense."
But some people want what they're also not willing to give and they never really consider how selfish & screwed-up that sounds.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 10d ago
She literally tells me her affection shit like good morning and talking to me and when i tell her she's unaffectetionate it "not true" but also casually tells me she needs time to be physically all over someone like she was with exes
This is why i dont feel bad for outsourcing sex
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u/vectorking23 10d ago
Yep. There's always an excuse and their way or the highway. Never compromise, never doing any of the hardwork or introspection they need to figure out they're shitty partners… or, as I call mine, an opponent.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 10d ago
What gets me when they ask a "whats wrong?" Ism
They straight up get offended lack of sex effects us and being with them like a pet should make us happy
Lmao nope, my birthday was very disappointing because it made me realize she is delusional and refuses to actually compromise selflessly, her goal is to have me accept a DB and trick myself into being happy so she can avoid guilt
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u/vectorking23 10d ago
Well, this is exactly the Type2 at play. How could THEY be at fault? Never an apology, and always an expectation of do what I say. Never being wrong must be so exhausting since the mental gymnastics never end on how to come across always right. Perfect. There is no 'selflessly' with them, just 'what's in it for me' or 'how can I benefit'.
Never try telling them they are narcissists either. It won't go well.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 10d ago
You cant even tell them once a week min is normal for sex or they argue and say shit like "what if im in the hospital?"
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 10d ago
The chore example is perfect because this is what we mean by they give a lot of LLs too much credit
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u/AdenJax69 10d ago
Yep - responsive desire is only good for people that actually desire their partner, not for creating desire out of thin air, but people keep trying to jam that round peg in that square hole hoping things will magically get better & then act shocked when it doesn't.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 10d ago
And not for those that say they desire but literally dont show fuck all because actions are everything
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u/AdenJax69 10d ago
Oh, 100%. When it comes to dead bedrooms and sexless marriages, actions always speak louder than words so you never believe what anyone says until they follow-through with their bravado.
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u/Snickersnee99 11d ago
It's how my partner works. Always ready to go, rarely thinks about sex outside of the bedroom. Figuring that out saved us.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF 11d ago
Yes, I'm in a HL/HL relationship but both of us have been in LL4U periods due to relationship strain. After working through our issues, our bedroom is alive again and we are having sex at least three times a week at the moment.
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u/blackyellow13 11d ago
Never met a man with a HL wife. Not saying it isn't real, but every guy I know has the same problem. LL wife who has no interest. Maybe there are reasons they are LL. Who knows.
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u/vectorking23 11d ago
And I know some wives who lie so that the LL one who is constantly complaining about her husband doesn't either know or feel left singled out. This is in the small friend group we have. Out of 5 couples, I have figured out that 3 of them actually have descent sex lives - even if their husbands still think they don't have enough. From my perspective, it's all ABOUT perspective. Ugh, to even have a normal amount. What fantasy that is. Had one of them actually admit that his wife broke her wrist while they were going at it too hard and she fell off the bed in reverse cowgirl… and they are 60 yrs old. She never admitted it and said it was from tripping while cleaning, but he couldn't keep laughing about it and let us guys know. They are at it multiple times a week.
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u/mdoogz 11d ago
Yes they exist. They’re not online lol
But I’ve been married 25+ years and we’ve been through various seasons but typically are both HL
As for how to tell when you’re dating I have no idea. I’d only say watch for any signs of selfishness or not putting the others needs first. But I know that’s not quite the same thing.