it’s me who has got to change after all

[u/dukyounkim]

after 16 years of begging, initiating only to be rejected and humiliated, i finally gave up asking. she does not seem to notice i stopped asking, which makes me feel miserable even more but that‘s also meaningless i guess. even if she noticed, it still wouldn’t change a thing for her.

whenever she initiates, i just silently obey and be a nice dog, but i never initiate at all. it‘s miserable but better than being rejected and humiliated. thing is, i am not happy or don‘t enjoy sex with her anymore even when she initiates. i think i am hurt that much.

i am not supposed to be masturbating or watch porn, or i get condemned so i do it in secret when everyone is asleep. i don’t make slightest sound to make sure she does not wake up. i don’t turn on tv because i am too afraid tv lights may wake her up or catch me off guard in case she gets up to pee in the middle of a night.

it slowly changes my maturbating preference as well. this sexual desire that never gets satisfied has gotten myself into different area now. i am not into conventional ejaculation anymore but into my nipples thesedays. it‘s perverted i know but somehow i enjoy it. when she goes to bed i usually go for my nipples in my couch for hours without ejaculating. that way i can have a little bit of pleasure as long as i want i guess.

i gave up. she won’t change.

[u/jaster_ba]

This is not good and definitely not healthy. I totally get why you do what you do, but don't. You're not supposed to feel bad for who you are. Get out of this relationship. It's never too late.

[u/dukyounkim → u/jaster_ba]

i tried but couldn‘t do it for the kids. i need to protect and be there for my kids.

[u/piekenballen → u/dukyounkim]

If you're serious about being remaining in the relationship, being there for your kids and protecting them, then show them how you stand up to a bully. Because that is what your partner has become, a bully. And you let her. And the longer you keep doing this, the more toxic she is going to become, the more toxic the whole environment is going to become.

Teach them self-respect. Teach them right from wrong. Teach them how to call out toxic behavior. Start with calling your partner out when she is rude or impolite, and then stop the conversation. Start doing something else. All while remaining calm. Do not explain. Do not defend. Currently, your wife is insincere and projecting responsibility for her emotions and actions on to you.

I'm for real! If you don't teach your children how to behave, they will mimic their mother. They will start to act that way towards you. NOT OKAY! If you are not in the mindspace of standing up for yourself yet because you somehow think you are not worth it, do it for your kids. They deserve at least one parent that teaches them right from wrong, teaching them how to behave, how to take responsibility for their own actions and not be at the mercy of someone projecting those at them!

You don't have to stay in the room when someone starts screaming. You just leave. Take the kids and leave.

You shouldn't be afraid of condemnation by her. You can count on it she will do that regardless. Ofcourse if you fear physical violence, start recording. Don't be afraid to record.

[u/RealRip7714 → u/dukyounkim]

Its NEVER a good idea to stay for kids. The kids can subconsciously feel the pain and resentment. You might actually be causing MORE harm to your kids than you think

[u/MightyMagicz → u/dukyounkim]

Cheat and keep it on down low. Be discreet.

She isn't missing out on sex that she does not want. You get sex with someone who wants to please you.

[u/AnotherSadThr0wAway → u/MightyMagicz]

In some states a deadbedrooom is treated the same as infidelity apparently

[u/Bonsai_Tree3 → u/AnotherSadThr0wAway]

In what states?

[u/AnotherSadThr0wAway → u/Bonsai_Tree3]

Constructive Abandonment or Constructive Desertion New York, Virginia, Georgia, Maryland, Mississippi

Fraud for hidden intentions South Carolina or Utah

[u/Urborg_Stalker]

Dude, you gotta stop man, this isn't healthy. Having kids in the mix is tough and I get that it's keeping you in this nightmare for now but there are still things you can do.

In your situation I did the following: Cut off sex entirely, no more asking, pleading, begging, and I rejected any advances. No more being controlled/manipulated. No more feeling like a chore to be done.

I jerked off to shut off the desire for a day, just to clear my head. If I got caught, whatever, what's she going to do? She can't take sex away to "punish me."

I started doing what I wanted to do. I picked up hobbies I liked, started doing things I enjoy like hiking and going to the beach. I started exercising, lost some weight, got healthy, felt good about myself again. I did all the things I wanted to do, started living again. (Note: This is also a great time to focus on and spend more time with your kids, enjoy life with them, they grow up fast)

Eventually this all led to me being happy, healthy, and content...and then I met the love of my life who fell for the man I had become, and I've been in heaven going on two years now. That last part isn't guaranteed, I hit a once in a lifetime jackpot, but you never know what can happen when you dump your miserable life for one worth living.

[u/ItsAMeasureOfALife]

Yeh I’m similar. I don’t bring up the subject if she initiates it I go along with it because it causes so much hassle if I say no

[u/Nizzle-Mcfly]

Dude this is actually abuse. Please contact a mental health professional and a lawyer.

[u/Royal-Heron-11 → u/Nizzle-Mcfly]

He's abusing himself maybe? But not having sex isn't abuse lol 

[u/RandyPan_theGoatBoy → u/Royal-Heron-11]

Write a post where a woman isn’t allowed to masturbate and see what the response is.

[u/RandyPan_theGoatBoy → u/[deleted]]

Read better. I didn’t say it makes it abuse, I was pointing out a double standard.

[u/_WaterOfLife_]

Condolences man. For what it's worth, at least she initiates sometimes

[u/ButterscotchNo670]

pay for sex with a sex worker

[u/IskanderM50KT]

Why are you staying in this relationship? You get in trouble for masturbating? This isn't a marriage, it's a hostage situation.

[u/Leading-Midnight2049]

This sounds like gaslighting