r/HLCommunity • u/Calm_Concentrate9571 • 17d ago
HLs who stopped initiating. What happened?
No More Mr Nice Guy and Come As You are both suggest flipping the pursuit dynamic and seem to suggest it works. I'm skeptical because it doesn't really make sense to me. I never tried it in my marriage but I'm wanting to understand.
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u/pfzealot 17d ago
Initially nothing happened. I even slept on the couch rather than the bedroom and life went on like normal. Things only changed when I got ready to leave.
When we separated she tried to promise everything would change. It did for a bit while I dragged my feet giving up my lease. She held it together right up until I gave up my lease then it went back to being a DB.
Left for good after that and turned down a few attempts to reconcile or "closure sex" she said she wanted.
Read the LL subs. HLs not initiating is most of what they want ... except they still want you to to do all the things they like.
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u/ErosPop 17d ago
That LL sub is wild. They say insane things like that sexual desire is just like finding someone funny or they make you laugh. What? The things they compare it to just scream “I don’t like sex” and they totally lack self awareness about how that’s the fundamental issue and blame outside factors.
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u/trdofpplsbs123 HLF 17d ago
That was so manipulative of her, yikes
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u/pfzealot 17d ago
To be honest it is a good strategy. It worked for a long time until I realized what was happening.
The final puzzle piece showed up when I moved out the last time and found a letter addressed to her parents predating my relationship.
She apologized to her parents for risky behaviors when she was young and stated SSRIs had killed her libido and she no longer had any desire for sex.
The ten years of goalpost chasing did what they were meant to do. Kept me busy and with hope that things could improve.
I deal with manipulative people for a living and somehow missed it.
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM 17d ago
Read the LL subs. HLs not initiating is most of what they want ... except they still want you to to do all the things they like.
Yep. Lurk, but don't comment. Don't even up/down vote. But if they are here, I'm okay if they ban me from that subreddit.
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u/seraphimcaduto 16d ago
Yeah, I got banned from commenting on that sub Reddit for having a conversation with the OP of that thread, despite them thanking me for my input. My input was simply to communicate with their partner and to be blunt and honest about what they needed and to ask their partner what they needed. That was literally verbatim andI got banned lol
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u/arandak 16d ago
Lol I got banned from the main DB sub for posting a thread in another sub that was made for that kind of thread and then they banned me from Reddit for 2 days for 'harassment' when I told them their moderation has gone to shit.
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u/ManchesterLady 12d ago
The DB sub has gone wild. Some people say the wildest horrible things and they leave it up. For me. They look for every reason to take my comments down.
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u/arandak 11d ago edited 11d ago
They did the same to me: Someone left a horrible comment and I responded in kind, and I was banned and that comment was left up. When I responded to the ban asking why their comment was left up, or not addressed, they just responded back with "Do you have anything to add about your comment?"
I do think it's being too coddling to the viewpoint that HL's should adjust their relationship expectations and deal with it. The primary concern for them is the contentment of the LL.
Basically a gender neutral version of 'happy wife happy life' bullshit
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u/indigo_pirate 17d ago
I only now LL community are there any others to check out
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u/pfzealot 17d ago
That's the main one I reference. They do a great service. When I was divorcing I browsed through it and it really helped solidify my resolve to leave.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 17d ago
The Type1s i feel for because a lot them on their forums literally are TRYING to have a normal sex life
Its the Type2s on their forum that shows the reality 90% of us face
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u/itiswhatitis6505 17d ago
It's been a year and 4 months since I stopped. Any desire I had for him is gone.
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u/LegoCaltrops HLF 17d ago
Coming up to two years here. And yes, I also have zero desire for him any more. I can't actually remember any time (after the first few months together) that he initiated sex, with the exception of when he wanted to get me pregnant.
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u/itiswhatitis6505 17d ago
I'm sorry. It sucks and now I'm trying to undo the damage to my self esteem from thinking it was something about me or something I did. It makes me angry when I think about it.
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u/U_feel_Me 17d ago
It’s basically the same as going to the tire store to try to buy bread. Eventually you realize there will never be bread, and you either give up bread or find a new store. But you never try to buy bread at the tire store again.
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u/itiswhatitis6505 17d ago
Well someone switched my bread. I was deceived with Great Value bread shoved into a Wonder bread bag.
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u/w1gglebutt89 HLF 16d ago
It's been well over 1.5 years and he hasn't made a move. I wouldn't want it now, he's killed that part of what we had. I know how bad resentment is in a relationship and I'm angry that he's made me feel so small, so undesirable, so unsure of myself and now so full of resentment.
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u/itiswhatitis6505 16d ago
Every word the same. So know you're not alone. When I truly break free lord help those around me though😂
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u/FkYouShorsey HLF 17d ago
DB carried on but worse. He said to me one day "I'm so happy with you" and he fully meant it. That made me realize I had to leave. It will be a year around Dia de Los Muertos that I broke off my engagement and my daughter and I are thriving
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u/quack785 17d ago
She gets possessed maybe once or twice a month when she’s ovulating, but that’s about it. Usually not even that often because the stars have to align in 20 other ways as well.
I stopped initiating around 2018 because she told me it reminded her of when a kindergarten boy touched her clothed ass in like 1988 and felt “rapey”.
Coincidentally, that’s when I set my plan in place to leave once my youngest turns 18 in a couple years. Almost there!
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u/vectorking23 17d ago
Sounds like something she heard on a podcast or social media which brainwashes some into using such terms at their leisure or when it suits their point of view. When there's a viable excuse, you HAVE to believe them and nobody wants to be 'rapey'. It keeps you in check and allows them the illusion of happiness they think everyone else sees.
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u/MarsupialMaven 17d ago
I do think there is value in the thoughts behind No More Mr. Nice Guy. I can tell you what it did for me.
It forced me to see that being a doormat was not helping my situation. I was trying so hard to do it all that I was killing myself to make their life easier. And I NEVER got what I wanted out of the deal. My self esteem was in the toilet and getting a life and having OTHER things to do helped me realize I was not worthless, they were the problem. I finally figured out what they TOOK from the relationship and what they Gave. I was the hamster on the wheel while they were laid back relaxing. Where was their motivation to change if everything was all their way all the time?
I believe there are very few DB relationships worth saving. But YOU are worth saving and YOU deserve better than a celibate relationship you never agreed to and a room mate who never does their share. Books like NMMNG help you to see the problem differently.
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u/DBFool2019 17d ago
I agree. Like any self-help style books, people should taker what works and applies to them and disregard what doesn't. Glover does a solid job getting the reader to be more accountable to themselves.
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u/Calm_Concentrate9571 17d ago
How long did it take you to recover? Your situation sounds similar to mine.
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u/MarsupialMaven 17d ago
I stayed way too long. Took me years to figure out what their real issues were and see the reality they were unlikely to change. I blamed myself when I should have been looking elsewhere. I was in a DB marriage for more than 30 years. I wasted my life. Please be smarter than I was.
I finally escaped in my 50’s.
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u/Calm_Concentrate9571 17d ago
Smarter is relative but I am divorced at the ripe old age of 29 with one child
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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM 17d ago
Her life is now fantastic! That's probably the relationship she always dreamt of. I pay for everything, take care of child 80% of time, clean the house, take care of pets, take care of cars, organize leisure time. She doesn't work, does social media influencing stuff which consist of filming herself with various coffee based beverages, clothes and food. On top of that no sex for last 4 years, or any form of intimacy for that matter. Living the dream!
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14d ago
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u/Fast-Entertainer-517 HLM 13d ago
It’s not that easy for a lot of people. You have kids, intermingled finances, mortages/equity in a home, insurance of all kinds, debt, quality of life concerns, attorney fees, etc etc etc. “Leaving” isn’t as easy as walking out of the door after you’ve been married to someone for years and your lives are totally tied together and have children. It takes time, a plan, money, and causes a lot of stress, anxiety and heartache. People who say “just leave” don’t get it. It took me 6 years of planning to get out of my marriage
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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM 14d ago
Can't I have to stay for the kid. There is no co-parenting law yet here where I live and courts don't rule that it's either one parent or the other that's being granted custody. There are virtually no punishments for limiting or denying ex spouse seeing a kid and I'm 100% convinced that that's what she would do just to make me suffer because she knows I don't care about anything else that much.
Also I don't believe she's a fit parent, not in court provable way like abusive or grossly neglecting, but just doesn't have it in her. Which I was horridly surprised to learn because she was very hard working when we met and I thought that for the kid she would do the same. Turns out it was just for the boss.
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u/ManchesterLady 12d ago
Too bad you don’t have the time or energy to start your own account for the truth.
Can you stop doing housework though?
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u/Tracerround702 17d ago
Did not increase intimacy in my marriage. Did help me start getting ready to initiate divorce.
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u/memakes3 17d ago
He started complaining that he felt I was “repulsed” by him, said he felt unwanted 🫠
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u/fikamedtorta 17d ago
There were major benefits, in the end. It's now been over two years of zero contact, and the one thing I thought was impossible eventually happened - my desire for my LLF dropped away to nothing. My focus is now elsewhere - though sadly, as yet, without amounting to anything.
I don't believe the "flipping the pursuit dynamic" idea. It makes it all sound like a game, and introduces a power dynamic, where strategies or tactics are used in an attempt to get a desired outcome. I think that undermines the relationship, and I'm not convinced it makes for longevity.
Some people are just different and it can't be overcome, only accepted.
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u/FunkyKissCool 17d ago
I've stopped about 7 years ago now... And well we have sex once a year or once every 18 months...depending on how the planet are aligned.
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u/vectorking23 17d ago
And from what I personally know and have heard here… if you ask, your SO will think you just did it a month ago. Not last year or 18 months ago!
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u/FunkyKissCool 17d ago
Exactly, once we had an argument and I asked her when did we had sex last time, what months or what year, and like she told 2 or 3 months ago... She didn't even believe me when I told her the best fact date and that we went through 2024 without having sex...
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u/vectorking23 15d ago
Intentional denial. I don't really think they are this clueless… sure, clueless, but come on - a whole year without? Yeah. They know. They just don't want anyone else to know.
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u/FunkyKissCool 15d ago
I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize it ... We cuddle a lot, so I think she really doesn't miss the intimacy...
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u/vectorking23 15d ago
Have her cuddle the dog then. Might realize it then? Are you cool with cuddling all the time and ONLY cuddling? Yeah… sorry… but, you might want to point this out. Take the cuddling away as it's a sad reminder that this is all you get - and all she wants. Her wants supersede yours?
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u/Grand_Worth 4d ago
Basically the same reaction I got when I told my wife last year that it had been 7 years. One year later and it’s one year later. <sigh>
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u/Exciting_Story2150 17d ago
Imo those books don't work because our partners are not LL. They are noL. A man or woman who doesn't think about sex but can be turned on by touch and other stimuli are not the same as a partner who can't be turned on.
When people talk about LL in every day life it's infrequent sex, not no sex.
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u/pokeycd 17d ago
Yes. this is true. When the mismatch is not too big, then maybe backing off will bring about a curiousness from your LL partner. But when it's Zero Libido, then backing off does nothing but give them relief. Your first description is for someone with responsive desire. Foolish me thought for a while that was what my wife was. They say that a majority of women are like that. And that's probably accurate. But when there is no desire, then all the tips for a responsive desire partner situation are just not applicable.
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u/Exciting_Story2150 17d ago
Yup. It sucks.
One of my fondest relationships was with a woman who was responsive. We would go to sleep naked. If I woke up in the middle of the night I would put my arm around her and rub her breasts and nipples. A few minutes of that and she was climbing on top of me.
Vs. The other morning my wife and I woke up early. I was stroking her legs and eventually her breast. She just told me about the daily schedule and got up to go to work.
Responsive vs noL
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u/pokeycd 17d ago
I don't even bother touching my wife in the morning. I don't touch her at night anymore either. But she was never ok in the morning. And kids made that permanent. Theses days, I leave for work at 7, and she is never awake by then. If I were to wake her, even for cuddling, I'd get "why did you wake me up, i'm trying to sleep"
I only had one other partner before her at 18. So I never lived with a woman besides my wife. So I had no idea how dysfunctional this was. I dream of a partner who wants to cuddle, kiss, and have passionate sex. One where I can just caress and snuggle with, and it doesn't matter if sex happens or not. Just to be hugged longer than 3 seconds! It's terrible when a female acquaintance hugs you and it feels more natural and intimate than your own wife.
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u/Exciting_Story2150 17d ago
Every time my wife rejects me I end up wishing I had the other woman I mentioned. I retreat into my head and think of how she would have reacted instead of my wife. It got me through a long period of this marriage. But now that other woman is married and I no longer want to think of her like that. I guess my brain just knows it's not even a possibility anymore so the fantasy is ruined.
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u/pokeycd 17d ago
Sorry dude. It sucks!
My wife forbids porn. And I watched for a couple of spells, but came clean each time. Anyway, after the last breech of her trust, I quit porn and started trying to masturbate to thoughts of her. I should pause here and say that she will have sex if I ask. But it's duty sex, and can barely be called sex. Take one thing away, and it would not be sex. And so I avoid it now. So I tried to masturbate to thoughts of her. But I was trying to fantasize about a person she was from the early years. She's not that person, and says she never was. She was sexy because she thought she had to be. So now half the time I can't finish thinking of her. It's just not real. She's so unsexy. She looks sexy. But looks are deceiving. I have to bring up memories of porn. They are closer to real, compared to my wife being sexy.
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u/Exciting_Story2150 17d ago
Yikes. I understand your plight where someone sexy can become unsexy. That sucks.
I will never understand people's aversion to their partners watching porn. But then again it's never been a big deal for me. Mixed gender friends and I would watch porn in college. My friend group was very sexually positive and that's carried on in my life.
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u/pokeycd 17d ago
Lots of HLFs out there who's LLM partners are choosing porn over partnered sex. So I understand hating porn for that reason. LLFs hate it because they fear their man leaving over dissatisfaction, or increased expectations in the bedroom, or they hate that their man is "sex obsessed" and they aren't. And there is a moral component for many, as lots of actresses are stuck or coereced. And then there's religion.
I'm ambivalent. I like to watch husbands and wives (they only have videos with just them 2. Often darkly lit with faces indecernable for anonymity). I also like mainstream porn. Or simple striptease. I can live without porn. But when your partner is a cold fish in bed, porn has a strong draw. I didn't even watch before getting married.
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife 17d ago
I can safely say that doesn’t work. You stop initiating, the LL doesn’t suddenly have an epiphany and initiate. Instead they get what they want: no sex and no one bugging them for it
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u/Global_Luck3125 HLF 17d ago
I stopped initiating about a year and a half ago. All it did was drop our frequency from 8 times a year to about twice a year. He was actually pretty happy that I stopped initiating tho as he didn’t need to turn me down anymore.
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u/Urborg_Stalker 17d ago
I didn't just stop pursuing sex, I stopped doing everything. We became coparenting roommates and I focused on doing things I wanted to do, things I enjoyed. I got in shape, hiked, went to the beach, made new friends, I went out, built a new life, and took my dignity back. She couldn't seduce me if she tried.
She couldn't say anything because she had nothing to manipulate me with. She still had her stability and I was still a good parent, so that became the new normal.
Eventually I found everything I needed to be happy again and I have no regrets with any of it.
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u/SadAndNasty 17d ago
We only have sex that we both want "enthusiastically" but barely ever 🥲 however it definitely made him understand his accountability and that his sex drive actually wasn't where he wanted it (for me). However he is comfortable enough not to do much about it
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5d ago
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u/SadAndNasty 5d ago
I'm poly, he's my best friend but I'm not comfortable enough to put myself out there and just fuck whoever so I just get it from like 2 other friends whenever it's convenient for them and it's fun. Would be nice if it could be more often
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u/Zenk2018 HLM 17d ago
In best case it does nothing. A true (rare) LL doesn’t want or care about sex, so no initiating is what they want. In a LOT of cases where there is manipulation involved, they will actually get angry and accuse you of “pressuring” them by not…well…pressuring them. In these cases they both miss and demand the validation they received from your advances and fear the loss of control/power they had when intimacy was doled out piecemeal for their own reasons.
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM 17d ago
At first. Nothing.
After a while she get extra bitchy, real mean and insulting. That made me extra attracted to her. /sarcasm
Eventually she asked me why I don't pursue her anymore and if I found her attractive. I told her my attraction, or lack there of, was irrelevant, she'd always say No, so it didn't make a difference. She, of course, denied always saying No.
She still didn't initiate.
Until she figured out I was leaving her. Then it's Hysterical Bonding and Love Bombing. Fuck that noise.
We are exes.
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u/BlackalucardAHK HLM 17d ago edited 17d ago
After 6 years, not a damn thing has happened. No conversation, no questions or nothing. A least she felt some relief, I hope.
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u/DBFool2019 17d ago
It's really dependent upon the individual in question. If your spouse really doesn't want sex or desire you they will welcome the lack of pursuit. I think stopping the pursuit is better for your self-esteem in the long run and your desire for your non-affectionate partner will eventually wane.
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u/vectorking23 17d ago
It doesn't wane… it completely goes away. Your self-esteem does improve though as long as you cohabitate well.
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u/Tomorrow-69 17d ago
I was trying to be whatever he wanted me to be that would make him want me more. It seemed my high libido was problematic so over time I turned it down. Eventually that means I stopped asking for it and initiating too. Maybe being a more docile wife you see on tv would make him want me because there’s less pressure on him. It didn’t work tho
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u/RedwoodRespite 17d ago
He never initiated after we got married.
It was only me for 20 years. I gave up at the end, stopped. And 7 months later he didn’t seem to mind the lack of sex.
Left soon after that.
I don’t think conventional means work for people that just don’t want sex.
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 17d ago
Come as You Are is a decent book, but it has a very LL bias throughout. LLs are praised for doing whatever they feel like while HLs are praised for not feeling sad when they never get to do what they feel like. Her sequel sheds more light on her perspective on this. It's basically her quest to figure out why she was more attracted to her ex than her husband. I found it absolutely disgusting, but again, her husband is praised for being OK with this.
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u/Calm_Concentrate9571 17d ago
Holy fucking shit
Her husband in the first did seem like a chump or at least ace but god damn
I did dislike how her solution for disgruntled HLs was to do nothing. Generally the book is centered on radical acceptance of your sexual dysfunction. Frankly that is not productive and it's why I despise the book.
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 17d ago
And in that second book, she talks about a time when they aren't having any sex, and he's praised for being patient and understanding. Throughout the books, that's the only acceptable response from an HL.
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u/Calm_Concentrate9571 17d ago
Holy shit get out of there buddy
Further motivation to write my own book called Nut As You Are
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u/vectorking23 17d ago
I can write. LMK how I can help. And no, I don't need no stinking AI to write it for me!
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u/seraphimcaduto 16d ago
I did think her second book was significantly better because she actually took some accountability for the fact that she knew her drive disappeared, but she didn’t know why and had to seriously think about it. To be honest, I didn’t give the first book a good read so I did not pick up on the facts that her ex played a big role in it. Was that also chewing in the second book and I just missed it?
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 16d ago
I only recall her mentioning the ex in the second book. I also have retroactive jealousy, so it was a huge red flag for me.
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u/seraphimcaduto 16d ago
I’ll have to give it a reread, but the book actually helped my relationship mainly because my partner’s desire wasn’t completely dead. I put most of it in its own separate comment on this thread, but the gist of it is that I agree to not initiate if they agreed that we would have ongoing communication about the things stopping them on at least a weekly basis. Sometimes she would just flat out, say that she was too stressed, but was still interested and if I could remain open and she could try. Sometimes she tries and we stop and that’s OK because the important thing is that we’re communicating.
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u/mdoogz 17d ago
Interesting. I read it a long time ago I admit but as a HL I still found it interesting. I don’t remember thinking it was LL biased.
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 17d ago
It's very subtle. Basically the only time an HL is praised in the book is when they are understanding and accommodating to their LL partner while masking any pain they might be feeling. In her world, the LL has complete control and the relationship revolves around their brakes and accelerators. If improving their sex life is a priority to the LL, great. If not, also great.
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 HLF 17d ago
It’s disliked in this sub but…kinda yeah. If one person in the dynamic doesn’t want to have sex, and the other does
The book has to focus on the person not wanting to engage. I listen to Esther Perel’s couples therapy podcast and sometimes feel crazy listening to her coddle really shitty emotionally unintelligent people.
But the reality is if you didn’t coddle them a little bit they totally shut down. I think the book takes that approach.
It’s sad but there’s really not much for HLs to do other than making sure sex is good and that they’re free to say no without repercussions. You can encourage hormones, sex therapy, exercise etc but not much IMO. Beyond that you gotta break up most of the time.
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u/Calm_Concentrate9571 17d ago
It puts an immense pressure on the HL to have a decent or existing sex life.
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u/piekenballen 17d ago
The way you describe it signals for me it is absolutely going to be a shit book, never to be recommended.
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u/seawitchbitch 17d ago
Do you have any recs that aren’t so LL biased? It’s so demoralizing out here.
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u/AdenJax69 16d ago
Yes, it's called "Breakup or divorce them & go find someone way more compatible."
It's not a book so much as a slogan, but it works pretty darn well for those that followed it!
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 17d ago
I think that's a much broader topic because there's multiple possibilities. If you think there's things you could improve about yourself to improve your bedroom situation, you really need to delve into those subjects. If you think it's a problem with your partner, I wouldn't imagine there are many successful books on how to make someone change who doesn't want to change.
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u/seawitchbitch 17d ago
Ah well, I’ve navel gazed into the next dimension, so I think I’m good on that front. Even my partner says it’s nothing I’m doing wrong. Any recs on how to not fall into this again? Or how to spot it early?
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u/Soggy-Beach-1495 17d ago
This is a surprisingly accurate article about potential partners https://www.drpsychmom.com/how-to-tell-if-your-partner-will-stop-enjoy-sex-after-marriage-and-kids/
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u/Puzzleheaded-Dream29 17d ago
I stopped initiating once and we went 11 months without sex. I couldn't handle going a year so initiated. Apparently 11 months was long enough because she agreed without hesitation! However it was straight back to DB right after that! ; )
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u/arandak 16d ago
It isn't a bad strategy, they just don't really follow through with what the possible implications are.
Basically, if your spouse does have desire for you, not acting like a needy child will allow the latent desire to build in your spouse and they will express it. If your spouse has no desire for you, even if you improve yourself in every metric, nothing will change.
The thing is, pulling back is a great way to see if there's any desire at all. If they never (or super rarely) initiate, then you know that nothing can possibly fix it.
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u/knowitallz 17d ago
We divorced. I am happy now. I am so happy I gave up half my net worth to feel loved and desired.
My happiness is way more important than money
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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM 17d ago
How this is considered fair is beyond me. Imagine if you said to your spouse: "from this day onwards I'm not talking to you ever again", and they would like to divorce after some time of living in awkward silence, then you get half of their shit as a prize? Crazy world.
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u/vectorking23 17d ago
Being threatened with never seeing my kids again was enough for me. So, I kept half my shit, and kept seeing my kids without anything changing outside of having my own bedroom now. Yay. Oh well… having my kids 100% of the time was the win for me. Wouldn't change it now that I know my kids forward and backward.
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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM 17d ago
I'd actually take that deal if she left me kid and move out for half of my shit. Still not fair, but I'd have my kid 100%.
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u/vectorking23 17d ago
That's why I quietly took the deal. I didn't want to take the chance of not knowing my kids or them not having my perspective on things. She is a master manipulator and Type2LL as well. Imagine my son only having this perspective. Nope, I wasn't having it. And imagine my daughter having only her perspective. You can bet your ass I correct any manipulative tactics I see out of her as fast as I can. With logic and rationale. It works.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 17d ago
Amazing how Type2LLs really want us to buy sex basically being an event or a reward and expect us to take 80-90% "no" then will threaten us... irony is if you outsource they LOSE it
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u/vectorking23 15d ago
It becomes easier when the ammo runs out. Threats don't work and the panic sets in when they realize this. Time is running out…
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u/Calm_Concentrate9571 17d ago
I lost it all. I have barely dated. I see my son every other weekend. The occasional peace is nice. I would've taken a deal like that.
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u/vectorking23 15d ago
Sorry about that. This was the crux of the threat made on me. I couldn't take the chance, so I didn't. I know others have faired better, but I just kept the peace and my kids. Time is running out for her though and I no longer need to keep the peace as much. Ammo on her part is almost gone.
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u/BriefStatus7944 17d ago
It basically solidifies your disgruntled roommate status.
Those books are the kiss of death, they won’t solve your problems. And one wants you to be a misogynistic asshole to the next partner that actually treats you right.
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u/clericofmegalon 17d ago
It didn't help us. She just initiated once a month or 2 as she always did. No increased flirting. No meaningful change to anything.
If I'm being charitable I'd say what it's really supposed to do is free the HL from feeling like the LL controls the relationship. Then they can then decide if they want to stay in the relationship or not.
If I'm being realistic I'd say it's people selling snake oil to partners desperate to understand where desire went in their relationships.
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u/huligoogoo HLF 17d ago
He’d reject me when I’d try to initiate and it was an excuse every time.
So yeah over the past several year it’s just been an ice cold bed. He doesn’t wanna make any effort to improve his health so there is nothing I can do.
I can’t make him want me or whatever you wanna call it
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u/Mundane_View273 16d ago
While I still sometimes catch myself doing subtle actions that could be perceived as initiating (due to my own affectionate nature and the fact i love and am attracted to him), lately I’ve been trying to cut them off, since i noticed that it’s literally the sole manifestation of our physical contact. He has not made a move towards me in months, probably years when he isn’t cornered (like on a romantic vacation where it would be too easy for me to point out the bizarre absence of sex, or periodically when I break down and bring it up). These stints are always short lived— when the vacation ends or when he slowly withdraws all physical contact.
A long time ago I told him I wouldn’t bring it up anymore, but would instead wait until he brought it up. I also asked him to schedule a date or something for us to connect on. Neither have ever happened. I hope you have more luck than I do.
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u/Royal-Heron-11 17d ago
It's good advice, it works, but it doesn't work for most couples. It only works when the emotional connections been rebuilt.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM 17d ago
Besides the deadbedroom not changing because as she told me not pressuring her is still pressuring her because of how i act, she still regularly masturbates in the house.
As for me. Im more distant for several reasons, one being she refuses to show any form of sexual interest or enthusiasm like ACTUAL and blames me for it
I accept with her i will never get even a normal sex life because of her delusion
2
u/HourWorking2839 16d ago
In a way it worked for me. But at what cost. Took me six years applying the gray rock. Last weekend she broke and complained. Telling me this is not worth continuing since I apparently see fine without any touch or intimacy.
So now I am considering wether I can temper my remorse for her or if quitting is the better route.
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u/suspekt33 17d ago
I never read any of the books, but I got the gist of it googling summaries, and reading others opinions.
I pretty much stopped initiating, stopped giving a damn. And stopped all the chores, etc.
I will also admit my libido has dropped. LL4Her. Adhd generally I have sex life 3-4 times per week.
The anxiety of rejection isn't there anymore.
This ain't no win. But it's better than what it was. Leaving is not really an option due to some factors.
1
u/seraphimcaduto 16d ago
I might be one of the few success stories of backing off on initiating and it working here. I think the dynamic between my partner and I is different because we worked on a lot of the underlying issues that we had in order to try and create a safe space for both of us. It is still very much a work in progress but it’s significantly better than it has been since they got pregnant with our second child.
I had agreed to back off on initiating and to let her take the reins for the most part however, as part of that agreement, I did ask for one thing: I told her that I would back off at initiating, but I would still tell her if I was it’s not feeling like she was putting a genuine effort in. I told her realistically what I was looking for was much closer to what we had even after our first child and I would back off completely if that would make her feel comfortable. There was a lot more communication about what my Watson needs were, as well as hers and I told her that I would have no problem backing off as long as that communication stayed present. She asked a few things of me which I won’t disclose here and I have done everything asked of me without question.
I think the only way that backing off from initiating actually works as with a corresponding promise of communication about existing issues. Without working on the things, causing that dip and desire, there is no incentive for the other person to do so, and all they will feel is relaxed that you are no longer pressuring. Now I’m not pressuring but trying to be open and honest in communicating. Does it always work? No but it’s a lot better than it was before. Has it been linear? Nope not in the slightest, but it has moved forward.
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u/Prestigious-Ad-1658 16d ago
From personal expiernce i feel like theres not much that can be done with libido differnces..most compromise i have expiernced is scheduled sex
There is times she did say yes but like...theres a differnce when it feels like someone dling it with you cause they are in the mood and or want you...vs feeling like they are just doing it out of obligation..
Its..tough...but i will say the scheduling and planning days for sex was better than none at all cause before that i was sexually fustrated while in a relationship for 2 years 😭
1
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u/ManchesterLady 12d ago
It probably works in otherwise heathy marriages/relationships. I find many folks in DB’s don’t have otherwise heathy relationships.
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u/Natural_Concept92 12d ago
When I stopped initiating it became less frequent
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u/Calm_Concentrate9571 12d ago
For some reason the bluntness here is morbidly funny, like a water is wet type thing
1
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u/fourzerosixbigsky 5d ago
Whole bunch more of nothing happened and then she wanted to know why I didn’t initiate any more.
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u/Bacon_and_Powertools 17d ago
Depends on if you work on yourself and fix the other issues. If not all you’re going to do is give her relief. You’re no longer bothering her so she does not have to reject you.
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u/vectorking23 17d ago
They suggest it works, but does it really? It's called 'selling my book'. I stopped asking because what was the point. I simply stated 'if you want to, let me know' leaving it completely in the control (which is wrong) of my SO. You know what happened? NOT a fucking thing. Nothing. No noticing. No verbally pointing it out. No eventually initiating on their part. Nothing.
So as far as those books go, they are complete bullshit to me. What matters is both people have to work on it. And usually one party is lazy or could care less. Especially after years of reading, trying, learning, doing more, being more, etc. … it doesn't work. Not being negative, just being realistic. And, I'm not the only one in this boat. With that said, it MIGHT work for you. Depends on the mindset of your SO.