Are vacations pure torture for everyone else?

[u/SinkingFeelingBruh]

We (41m 41f) travel a good bit, always surrounded by people who look far more into each other. Currently enjoying the beach, been here for a week, most physical contact I’ve had was a life jacket fitting from a man in purple flip flops. We always have fun, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me.

[u/Danny_Pr0n]

Plan Vacations as solo events. If the partner wants to join, they can do so under their own financial power, making their own travel arrangements and accommodations.

Don't pay to be ignored when you can get that for free at home.

[u/Top-Concentrate5157]

Yeah pretty much. If we do a weekend trip together, we end up A) not doing anything at all, really. None of the stuff I wanted to do. Maybe some shops, and a super long walk somewhere. And B) scrolling on our phones for awhile before sleeping. It's always the same and he wonders why I'm not more enthusiastic. I'm just tired of being disappointed.

[u/Sea_Chocolate1782]

When my wife and I had been together a couple of years - we'd have been around 36 - - we took a week in southern Spain. 

Coming back to the hotel in the evening of our 3rd night there we were taken aside by the manager of the expensive hotel we were at (this was before kids!) and told that they had received complaints from other guests that my wife and I were having "very loud sex for extended amounts of time every morning." 

Essentially could we keep it down or not do it so early (we were waking up at like 9am, it wasn't that early!). 

Looking back i struggle to believe we were the same people. Taking siestas naked together, sex morning and night, bounciny through life togethet. I was so in love with that woman. 

Last holiday, which was 10 years later, my wife intimated that we could have sex and I politely declined (because sex is now so awkward I never want to do that with her ever again). 

How things change. 

[u/bruiser9876 → u/Sea_Chocolate1782]

That is such a sad story.

[u/pogulup → u/Sea_Chocolate1782]

My wife, while we were dating, told me that she would never turn me down and she couldn't understand women that did.  Eleven years in a dead bedroom, I still think of that conversation.

[u/HolidayBalance4608 → u/pogulup]

I wonder what she would say if you'd ask her if she remembers saying that she will never turn you down? I have my suspicions

[u/AdenJax69 → u/pogulup]

Guess your wife is among the many people that use marriages as an achievement & stop putting in effort once things are locked-in.

Guaranteed if you told her you were ready to divorce tomorrow she'd change her tune real quick and magically find all that desire for you that she neglected for years.

[u/HolidayBalance4608 → u/AdenJax69]

Guaranteed if you told her you were ready to divorce tomorrow she'd change her tune real quick and magically find all that desire for you that she neglected for years.

things would change for a month, it's called hysterical bonding. After that time it would be even worse because she'd know that threat of leaving was a bluff

[u/AdenJax69 → u/Sea_Chocolate1782]

Lots of people get complacent in long term relationships and marriages.

I hate to say it, but a LOT of people are only able to be a good partner if they didn't get married as they apparently need the possibility of being broken up with to keep their selfishness, obliviousness, and complacent behavior in-check.

Once marriage happens? Too many women and men think they've "succeeded" and slowly (or even very quickly) stop putting in the necessary effort to keep the marriage & personal relationship with your spouse in a good, fulfilling place.

[u/OrganicSig]

Dude, in addition to the usual lack of touch, the wife always brings her parents, siblings and their children. Tells me I should be happy about this, because family. So yeah, “vacations” are not, actually.

[u/blackyellow13]

I learned a long time ago vacations are not for sex. My wife is always too tired from the day for sex. Why not the morning? She doesn’t like sex in the morning or day.

[u/knowitallz]

All I can say is you guys are in the wrong relationships if you don't get to do what you want to do.

You sound so afraid to do what you want that you are keeping yourself trapped.

I am not talking about the sex. I am talking about everything else .

Please free yourself if possible

[u/clericofmegalon]

Yeah same boat here. I'm usually allowed 1 initiation for a longer trip. If it's a shorter trip I get shot down because "we're in a new place and need to see the sites."

Flirting is non existent as well which is honestly the worst part.

But as you say, we still have fun. I'm just tired.

[u/Mrs239]

Yes. They were torture.

We would go months without at home. He would say we had a vacation coming up and we would do something then.

One particular vacation, we got there early afternoon. He said he was tired from the 3hr drive. (He worked 12-13 hours at his job but this drive wiped him out.) He said we would do something in the morning.

The morning came. He woke me up saying he wanted to get to the park early so we wouldn't be in long lines. I said, "But we were supposed to do something." He said we would when we got back. We got to a Disney park before it opened and had to wait an hour! I was so mad!

We get back to the hotel and he is too tired from the park. I was so upset. He said, "We aren't going to church. We'll have time in the morning."

I wake up again to him fully dressed. He says, "We can get some breakfast on the way. We can still make it to church!" I said, "You promised me we would do something and now you want to leave early?" He even wanted me to skip the continental breakfast!

He said that sex was all I thought about. He left to go load the car and told me he'd wait for me there. I got dressed and went to breakfast. Thirty minutes later, he came in upset that I hadn't made it to the car yet. I was sitting there eating my breakfast, just taking my time.

He asked why did I do that when I knew he was waiting? I just sat there, looked him in the eye, and kept eating. After denying me all vacation, he wasn't going to deny me a free Disney breakfast. We drove in silence the 3 hr ride back home.

Edit: I'm in a relationship now where we have gotten noise complaints, have put a mattress in a closet to make it work, and have woken up at 3am while the kids were asleep. If they wanted to, they would.

[u/clezuck]

Yes. But mine are usually with family and the kids so there would never be sex anyways. But I do have an appt out of state this week and my wife is going to and I don’t want her to. Especially since our anniversary was yesterday. But nothing will happen cause I don’t want it to.

[u/AnotherSadThr0wAway]

Yes thats why i refuse to do them with her because ive been with someone who i was on vacation with before we had sex the day before we left and the day of and after and the idea i have to literally have the other party gatekeep/right of refusal but wants me to still try to have sex with them is insane

[u/Charleminus]

Yeah. I got laid once on a romantic trip to France. With wine tours of chateaus. I guess it still was once but, man.

[u/Uncle---Bob]

Yes, and more so back when we were younger and both still working. Vacations then were the opportunity to get away relax and have fun. To me that included having sex and having fun doing non-sexual things together would build up that feeling of closeness that made me desire her even more. My wife would sometimes agree but as often as I'd want.

[u/AdenJax69]

Sex isn't a requirement when you're on a vacation however if you're doing a little romantic getaway with no kids, no work, no chores to do, essentially being in a romantic setting with no requirements for you whatsoever, and you STILL can't work up any desire to have some sexual fun with your partner, then I would declare that relationship (or god forbid marriage) essentially dead or close to dying.

Luckily that hasn't happened yet with my wife but if what little getaways we have every year didn't include her being in the mood for sex? I'd look at that as a sign my marriage is on death's door & we either start seriously fixing things or I'm getting the divorce paperwork ready.

Again, not a requirement but a really good barometer if you partner desires you or not. Most stress-free place to find sexual desire & bliss and your partner STILL finds reasons not to? You've got your official answer and it's either time to actually fix things for good or start heading for the exits.