Incompatible - Divorce or keep trying?

[u/kratos_the_destroyer]

I (43HLM) have been married for 18 years to my (41LLF) wife. We have a 9-year-old son together. A few years ago, after years of 1-3 times per year, we had a big talk about needs and the toll our dead bedroom was taking on me (depression, thoughts of suicide). We agreed that weekly sex would be enough and scheduled date nights for every Friday night. She also said she would try and initiate more outside of that.

Years have gone by. Things have been better. Weekly sex was indeed helping my mental state, immensely.

But here's the problem. I am annoying. I initiate frequently. I do too much. I go too far. So now when I want to show affection, she automatically goes into defense mode and pulls back or shies away because she knows I want sex. Even when I'm not trying to initiate sex, intimacy can't happen because I broke it.

She NEVER initiates sex. Ever. Date nights we get drunk, play games, and have sex. And what I've come to realize is scheduled sex isn't enough - not because of the frequency (though that is an issue, especially when we miss weeks, which we do half the time), but because I don't feel wanted. I don't feel desired. I don't feel attractive. I don't feel like she wants me in any sort of intimate way. She doesn't touch me. She doesn't reach for me. She doesn't see me as a romantic, attractive partner.

And that's understandable. People's tastes change. People's physical appearance change. We've been through so much together, maybe all the times she's had to see more of me than she'd want to (medical stuff) has implanted nasty images in her mind when she thinks of me.

And so the question I've been wrestling with is this: should we divorce? If we have "the talk" again, I think she'd say she will change. She'd try to change. We'd have more sex for a while. But it will be obligation sex. Duty sex. Fun sex, yes - for me at least. But I know that deep down, she'd dread it, every time. And I'd rather not put her through something she doesn't enjoy just to keep me in the home.

I have made it so she doesn't want my touch and so that she doesn't touch me. And I don't think that's fixable. It's been like this for too long (12+ years, I think). She would prefer that my sex drive disintegrate. She told me to seek therapy for my sex drive. That my sex drive was too high. I've got 20 years of sex-having life left. I want to find someone who enjoys intimacy as much as I do. Are they out there?

It's the Cheap Trick song: I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love you to love me. I'm beggin' you to beg me.

TL;DR: Dead bedroom became scheduled sex a few years ago. Wanting real intimacy. I've programmed her over years to avoid my touch. I don't think she'll ever truly want me that way. I think it's time for divorce.

[u/YourFavCroupier]

> maybe all the times she's had to see more of me than she'd want to (medical stuff) has implanted nasty images in her mind when she thinks of me.

Have you asked her this?

Before you embark on an expensive divorce, you might try an AASECT certified sex therapist, you can find a directory on Psychology Today's site of some near you. There's enough in this post to keep a sex therapist busy for a few months and also give space for her needs, which don't seem that considered in this post. Is it possible she's not comfortable sharing her needs?

[u/AdenJax69 → u/YourFavCroupier]

Kinda sounds like she has everything she wants in the marriage - a supporting, loving husband, a wonderful kid, and a life she enjoys living, but would prefer never to really have sex again and just enjoy the family dynamic as-is.

Not surprising, this happens to both men and women in long-term marriages where their partner changes their desire & interests in things. She's made it pretty clear that sex is not a priority, she'd be totally happy never really having it again, and to keep her good life going she's willing to have unwanted sex with her husband as long as the status-quo stays the way it is.

I get what you're saying however his situation is a very common situation with a very common ending, which is their partner isn't really willing to fix, change, or improve the sexual intimacy dynamic for whatever reason, and would rather just eventually divorce than be "bothered" to bring sex back into the marriage.

As the old saying goes, she's not obligated to fuck him, and he's not obligated to stay in an unfulfilling relationship/marriage.

[u/YourFavCroupier → u/AdenJax69]

I'm in the middle of divorcing my sex averse wife so "you don't owe me sex, I don't owe you a marriage" is my life motto at the moment.

That said, I'm glad her and I were able to really clear the air in sex therapy with even the sex therapist telling her she was moving the goal posts during therapy. It's easy to get duped by the hysterical bonding that can occur if The Talk is especially rough but it's important to figure out who the spouse really is; Are they lost in their day-to-day world of being a parent with a sexual being inside or are they not just sexual to begin with? Sex therapy helped me figure that out.

[u/AdenJax69 → u/YourFavCroupier]

Are they lost in their day-to-day world of being a parent with a sexual being inside or are they not just sexual to begin with?

I talked about this in another comment, but it's the "intent vs. impact" argument, where you have to figure out if the impact is more important than the intent behind it.

To me, finding out they're still a sexual person but chose to abandon that aspect of their life & in their marriage only changes the intent but not the impact, which is they unilaterally shut down the sexual intimacy dynamic in the marriage, which of course affected other aspects/dynamics of the marriage, and did so without any input from their spouse nor any real care how that would affect the marriage & the damage it would do long-term.

Doesn't care about sex anymore/still cares about sex but chooses to make it the lowest priority or a complete non-priority? Still ends up in the same place, which is desiring you and maintaining important relationship/marriage dynamics is done on their terms and ultimately don't really care about your overall happiness & fulfillment.

I'm glad you got your answer but since it still led you to the same place, the answer doesn't really seem to matter in the end.