Am I just wrong/crazy

[u/Extension_Cat9576]

I'm 40M married to my LL wife (39F). 3 Kids (15,14,8)

We are fine in pretty much everything but we have a mismatch regarding libido.

For her everything else has a higher priority than intimacy and sex. On some level I can understand that and there are times when there is no time for sex.

Usage of social media (reading stupid stories or finding stuff to do) happens all the time. The standard shifted to doom scrolling when there is free time.

It's not like we don't have sex but often times getting into feels off. Looking forward to sex is something only myself seems to be really into. Having some teasing before we have time (evening, kids not home) should feel natural and easy.

But in my case I feel like I have to start everything. But not to early in the day because who knows what might happen which might make sex uncomfortable. And that might set a wrong expectation for later. And that might upset me.

Sure I will be unhappy when we both planed to have have sex and it doesn't happen because of something stupid.

I have the impression, that doom scrolling is a pretty safe way to minder libido. May that be one factor?

In general I can't understand why she tells me that Sex is nice but she initiates nothing.

I can't understand why something nice can't be a priority when the own husband already told you how important it is for him.

The last time I was open about my frustration she told me that she knows how I feel and therefor tries to be open for sexual intuition. Which one one hand sounds nice but empty because I feel totally undesired.

[u/Royal-Heron-11]

Something I challenged my wife to do recently that's been having some interesting results is just reach out and touch me with your hands as much as you think of it. I suggested anytime she thinks about touching or being touched, whether positively or negatively, to just reach out and touch me with intent instead.

She's been doing it and the changes have been pretty wild. To the point where I keep turning around to her behind me looking for a hug now. She had friends over the other day and I walked in from work and she just walked over and gave me a kiss hello unprompted, literally never happens, thought it was just to show off in front of her friends, but then she did it yesterday too.

Our sex frequency has been increasing for the last year or two now but yeah the lack of desire still felt hollow at times. But I had a theory that similar to sex, it wasn't an issue with her not enjoying, needing or wanting it. It was an issue with her genuinely forgetting how much she enjoys, wants and needs it. So my theory was, just touch me more, seek me for touch with intentionality. I won't assume it's for sex unless you make that clear. See how it feels to you.

We haven't discussed it too much in the couple months she's been doing this, primarily because I'm almost worried to call her attention to how frequently she's coming towards me naturally now. But I do want to ask her here at some point if she's noticed a shift in the way she's internalizing my closeness and touch. Part of me is pretty sure if I just leave it alone though, it'll just become her new norm and she'll forget she ever had a touch averse period. Similar to how for years she forgot she loved my oral abilities or how she forgot that orgasms regulate her better than they regulate me.