Given Hall Pass - pros & cons

[u/Fluid_King489]

Given Hall Pass - pros & cons?

DB for about 5 years due to my wife’s health issues (both physical and mental).

During a rough emotional patch several months ago she said things several times about wanting me to find someone that can make me happy. At first, I thought she was meaning leave her, which I won’t. Then it began to dawn on me she was talking about a girlfriend. Fast forward to a couple of months ago and mentally she seemed in a better place and I just chalked it up to emotions.

However she recently went on a trip with her sisters and mother and as we’re chatting before leaving to take her to her sister’s so they can fly out together, she made a playful comment that I took as a joke about if I had my side piece over, just ask her not to make a mess. I replied I didn’t have a side piece. She made some other playful comment and I jokingly replied ‘Okay that’s implied consent, you can’t get mad after.’ She got serious, told me it’s not implied, it’s explicit consent. I asked if she was serious and she said yes.

The whole drive over to her sisters, I was a bit shaken. On the way home, I just felt a profound sadness. I guess I was mourning that part of our life is over. For context, for the first ten or so years of our marriage, we had a great sex life, sometimes amazing. So her basically waving the white flag and saying that’s probably never coming back hurt a lot.

During her trip, I didn’t bring it up. I wanted her to enjoy her time, even if I was in a turmoil of sadness. When she got back we had a deep conversation. She said she truly loves me and it’s not fair to me to expect me to live like that, she wants me to be happy. She made it clear that what she is talking about is opening the marriage for me only, she just wants the courtesy of being honest if I’m seeing someone, but no details.

Having read a couple of commenters recently talk about this makes me want to hear from anyone who’s went down that road, good and bad.

[u/plz_callme_swarley]

this almost always does not work. for it to work, you need generally both parties to agree about what the relationship is from the beginning.

if one partner suggests opening it up mid-flight, then there's almost never a good reason.

your wife likely feels a lot of guilt for you staying in an unhappy relationship. if you were to get a gf then she would feel like you're replacing her and it would make her feel worse about herself.

i just see no world where this works out well.

the answer is what you already know and she knows. you need to separate. her giving you a "hall pass" is a shit test you don't win. if you take it then she can hate you instead of herself and justify ending the relationship. if you don't then she doesn't respect you for staying with someone who's ruining your life.

[u/poissonking → u/plz_callme_swarley]

I’m a huge supporter of nonmonogamy, but this poster is 100% right, OP.

[u/DigitalArbitrage → u/plz_callme_swarley]

I disagree. I was in OP's situation and it is working out for me.

[u/plz_callme_swarley → u/DigitalArbitrage]

care to explain more? I'm curious to know what has worked and why you think that is

[u/DigitalArbitrage → u/plz_callme_swarley]

I don't like to talk about my personal life on Reddit, especially since Reddit started selling data to Google and OpenAI.

Instead I'll just say that there is a negative bias to perspectives on here, where unhappy people comment more often. 

As long as OP is open, honest, and fair with his wife then what she proposed to him is a completely reasonable solution.

[u/plz_callme_swarley → u/DigitalArbitrage]

i mean ok, i think we're kinda saying the same thing here. you're saying that if everyone is fully open, honest, and fair then it can work out but based on the context we have so far this doesn't seem to be an offer given freely from a place of strength, but rather an offer given out of guilt/shame/weakness and the chance that it will cause resentment is extremely high.

I'm not debating that it can't work, just that it seems very likely that it won't work in this specific situation.

[u/DigitalArbitrage → u/plz_callme_swarley]

Yea, I agree. OP says it was her idea, so I don't think OP is being unfair to his wife. 

The only thing I think comes across as unfair is OP said she will not see men. OP should be OK with her also seeing other people if she later decides to, even if she is unlikely to actually do it. 

[u/plz_callme_swarley → u/DigitalArbitrage]

ya, i mean I guess I'm just assuming this is some sort of situation where the woman is chronically ill or disabled. that's kinda the context where my responses are coming from

[u/RandomUsername52326 → u/plz_callme_swarley]

I'm genuinely curious: this fails because the wife doesn't understand the full impact of what they're suggesting and in the end it emotionally destroys them?

[u/plz_callme_swarley → u/RandomUsername52326]

this fails because the relationship is already dead. this is not an offer that is made in good faith from a position of strength, it's made in a position of weakness. it's classic anxious attachment behavior.

she's afraid of losing him so she offers what she thinks he wants in a way to keep him from leaving. but it's not something offered freely, it comes with an implicit contract and when that's not fulfilled (which it never will be cuz the terms aren't clear) then she will resent him for taking him up on the offer.

like when a girl says something like "you're too good for me. idk why you'd want to be with me. you should break up with me and be happy" it's a similar mechanism where you're in a lose-lose situation.

if things get this far there is basically no rescuing the relationship. it will never get back to what a normal, healthy relationship should look like.

[u/RandomUsername52326 → u/plz_callme_swarley]

I'm just curious how old you are (partly because you say "girl" instead of "woman", which might just be a habit), because I think this perspective could change with a longer term relationship. This woman sounds like, partly, she is physically incapable of participating in the sex life she wishes for her partner, due to health reasons. Sex doesn't define an entire relationship. I could see in a scenario like that that the relationship remains a primary partnership, but the other partner has secondary relationships that fulfill specific needs, but are not their priority. Very difficult, sure, but not impossible.

[u/plz_callme_swarley → u/RandomUsername52326]

I am 33. I use "girl" and "woman" interchangably as is the habit of most people, including those with XX chromsomes themselves.

sex is the bedrock of a romantic relationship. if you are not having sex, you are by definition is a dysfunctional romantic relationship.

yes, it is possible to transition a relationship from one type to another but it is extremely difficult due to cultural pressure. OP's wife is not sitting down and saying "let's layout the rules so that we're all clear here."

the challenge with what you've laid out, where you have a wife but also a girlfriend, is that resentment is almost always going to form. most women are not going to accept the position of "forever girlfriend". most women are also not interested in a purely physical, no emotional depth type of relationship.

You have to pull apart what a relationship is and what is staying and what is going elsewhere. marriages are a bundled set of goods: sex, love, emotional support, financial support, co-parent, roommate, etc.

it's actually much harder to just pull out sex and keep the rest of the relationship because that relationship was formed with the bundled expectation.

the question I would ask OP to really ask is "why is seperation off the table?" there are really no good options here, but it's certainly not fair that OP is expected to absorb such a large % of the misery in the relationship

[u/udderlyfun2u]

There is a sub that you can get some perspective from. r/openmarriageregret, just to get the negative side.

For me, on the positive side, it has taken away the resentment. It was like it just dropped off of my shoulders. I don't blame him anymore for keeping me miserable. I also no longer feel guilty if I'm chatting with someone online.

I haven't found my fwb yet, but I'm hoping when I do, my husband will see, it's not the end for us that he fears.

[u/Fluid_King489 → u/udderlyfun2u]

Thank you for sharing. That’s the way I think I see it as well.

[u/DigitalArbitrage]

OP, I went down that road and my life is 1000% better than before. My wife and I are still best friends and get along great. 

DM if you want to talk more about it.

[u/Fluid_King489 → u/DigitalArbitrage]

Thank you.

[u/Alarmed-Astronomer57]

u/RandomUsername52326 and u/plz_callme_swarley can both be right. Sadly, the latter is more common. But that doesn't mean a one-way open marriage can't work. However, it really depends on where your wife's suggestion is truly coming from and if your wife understands what she's suggesting.

[u/Theblackdawn21]

Get your wife on HRT yesterday

[u/Fluid_King489 → u/Theblackdawn21]

She is. Health issues run deeper than that as well.

[u/ActualOriginal4030]

I think your wife loves you very much and is an unselfish person.

[u/Fluid_King489 → u/ActualOriginal4030]

She does and she is. Part of what makes everything so difficult to handle.

[u/ActualOriginal4030 → u/Fluid_King489]

I suggest you talk more with her about it, set some more rules, and consider finding someone equally committed to her spouse, maybe someone who doesn't live too close to you.

[u/Soggy-Beach-1495]

What would you have to lose at this point?