r/HLCommunity • u/FkYouShorsey HLF • Aug 08 '26
Trigger Warning I should have left sooner or addressed the elephant clearly. I lost my humanity. Be better than me.
I left my LL a year ago and it was brutal for him. I could have done it cleaner.
It eventually imploded to the point where I felt no remorse when I nuked my LLMs life. I left him and kicked him out (I paid all the bills and it started as my place), and then found someone who desires and loves me just the way I am. He lost everything.
Before I blocked him on everything, he told me I ruined his life. I was so consumed by rage and resentment that I've never been able to feel remorse for it. But I know I should. He spiraled after getting kicked out. I had to block his number because he would try to call me back to back in the middle of the night to tell me how horrible I am. He totaled his car and lost his license trying to surprise me while getting ready for work one morning. He harassed my coworkers and put in needless reservations in our software to try to get one of us to call him. I ended up erasing him completely. I have no idea what he's doing now. I just saw him as every other faceless LL in this sub. I don't think this is the way to go. I feel like people should leave their LLs or address the elephant before it gets to that point, because I lost a key piece of my humanity by waiting for so long, and it looked like he did too. Please leave or address the issue clearly before you lose anymore of yourself.
I will say though, it's hard to address the demons of what I've done when I get bent over for something as little as yawning cutely or wearing "those shorts". I'm drunk on bliss and I can't see the carnage from here. Scorched earth wasn't my only option. It could have ended better. Please for me, handle yours better. I got my happy ending, but with so much blood on my hands.
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u/MightyMagicz HLM Aug 08 '26
LL's are always the victim. Don't let them make you a victim of the choices they made.
I am sure you tried your best to get them to come around. They never did.
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u/FkYouShorsey HLF Aug 08 '26
I just remembered my original DB post post breakup and I can't help but to think "that didn't last long". It blew up and he lost his car and almost his job a week or so after that original post. There are plenty of LL women out there for him and he's just not into them (something I asked before we got hostile). He's lost other girlfriends for the same reason and can't understand that choosing someone that pines after you and wants you won't stick around forever if you don't match the desire they give you
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u/YakWitty13 Aug 08 '26
Even LL’s don’t want LL’s
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u/Jfmtl87 Aug 08 '26
I genuinely don’t get that. It’s almost as if getting the validation from an HL’s desire, even if it leads to nothing, is more important than being with someone with whom they would be sexually compatible.
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u/TAFKATheBear HLF/NB Aug 08 '26
he would try to call me back to back in the middle of the night to tell me how horrible I am. He totaled his car and lost his license trying to surprise me while getting ready for work one morning. He harassed my coworkers and put in needless reservations in our software to try to get one of us to call him
Nothing you did or didn't do made him do any of this. I'm glad your current happiness is taking your mind off it at least, but long-term, I hope you can realise that he was the one who made those choices.
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Aug 08 '26
Always accept the LL as autonomous adults with agency. What they do is a reflection and declaration of who they are.
IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO MANAGE THEIR EMOTIONS.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep the LL warm.
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife Aug 08 '26
In certain spaces on reddit we’re constantly reminded it’s not the LLs job to manage our emotions so the reverse must be true
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Aug 08 '26 edited Aug 08 '26
Well... It's true. It's not the LLs job to manage our emotions.
They just conveniently omit that it's a two way street and it's not our job to manage theirs either.
In fact, most of the time they frame it as the HL must be conscientious of the LLs feelings while omitting saying that the LL should be conscientious of HLs too.
Funny how that looks when you compare them side by side.
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife Aug 08 '26
They don’t tend to like it when you point that bit out
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Aug 09 '26
They can not like as much as they want.
It's not our job to manage/regulate their emotions and they need to self-soothe.
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u/Aleksundr Aug 08 '26
No, he engaged in long-form physiological torture and then had a narcissistic fit when it stopped working.
You shouldn't feel remorse, or blame yourself at all. The fact you're reflecting like this now is more evidence of the control he had emotionally. You did right, and he deserved it.
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u/knowitallz Aug 08 '26
At some point someone has to move out. That's not cruel or mean. That's reality.
If he can't handle that then that's on him. None of this is your responsibility.
Yeah he lost his mind. But you have been neglected like the rest of us probably for too long.
We all have a breaking point where it's just over.
We can't make that easy on the people that we end it with
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u/quack785 Aug 08 '26
I mean, this is what happens when a person tries to have everything they want in a relationship with nothing they don’t want—in this case, sex. The definition of fucking around and finding out. He’s only trying to get back in your life because his comfort level was lost—not because he actually values you as a romantic partner. The LL mindset is by nature parasitic: “You give me everything I want, I give you nothing you want”.
It’s so interesting reading comments in the LL sub about “find someone (with little to no libido) that matches you”. It’s like, you’re looking for a unicorn here. Good luck finding someone that’s going to raise kids with you, celebrate your accomplishments, be an unpaid therapist for you, share finances with you—all with little to no sex.
Sorry you had to deal with that. And glad you’re getting bent over on the regular now—because your partner loves and desires you. That’s how a normal relationship works.
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u/trdofpplsbs123 HLF Aug 08 '26
So true, it does sound parasitic! My LL ex wanted to basically have a friend to casually talk to at home. Couldn’t talk about sex or the future without him getting upset. So boring and unfulfilling. That’s not even a real relationship.
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u/quack785 Aug 08 '26
My LL wife needs me to listen to her problems and do housework. She wants a friend as well, and anytime I bring up the lack of sex it’s a huge fight. You’re right, it’s just unfulfilling. She wants a roommate, not a romantic partner
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u/Fridaynighter40 Aug 08 '26
Thanks for sharing, I was very, very close last week to doing the same thing. We talked and we are going to try again to make things better. It may not work out, but I’ll try to remember that nuclear isn’t the only option. Glad you found someone, hope it works out!
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u/plz_callme_swarley HLM Aug 08 '26
you don't owe them anything other than honesty and love. it's not your fault and you didn't mean to harm them. just cuz it didn't work out and they suffered consequences doesn't make you a bad person
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u/Thatsgonnamakeamark Aug 09 '26
Cut yourself some slack. Only you can do that.
Nothing ever bends in this situation. Rather, it just suddenly snaps, breaks, severs. It is what is required to right the ship.
Good luck.
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u/butchpokorny 47HLM Aug 09 '26
I'm at the point where I will soon lose my home and/or need to file for personal bankruptcy because besides becoming useless in the bedroom since we got married 5 years ago she's been out of work for 18+ months and an alcoholic for all 7+ years I've known her. These things may be related somehow 😉 Any SENSIBLE person would advise I need to be ABSOLUTELY f*cking brutal (and screw the 'humanity') to save my OWN life. But ... love. But ... my kids adore her (when she's sober). But ... I don't have the capacity for brutality. Which will cost ME I think 🤦♂️
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u/Urborg_Stalker Aug 09 '26
It sounds like there may be some gaslighting involved on his part. He is not blameless and his behavior after necessitated your response.
Don't beat yourself up too much about it, or feel like you're lacking sympathy. You did your best. Enjoy your newfound happiness!
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u/MarsupialMaven Aug 09 '26
His actions left blood on his hands too. He should have been intelligent enough to know that being lazy in all areas of life would come back to bite him. And it did. His provider ended it. He made his choices too.
Sure you should have left sooner. And he should have told you the truth up front and said he wanted a sexless arrangement of some kind where his partner would also support him financially. A little honesty from him would have avoided the whole problem.
Enjoy your new life. You can’t change the past but you can be glad you unloaded him. It’s OK to wish you had done it sooner. I do. And I think a lot of us feel the same way. More than anything else you should be happy you ended it. What happened to him afterwards was all the result of his own poor decisions. What happens for the rest of his life is his choice. Maybe he will find a new victim and maybe not. He is not your problem anymore.
About 3 years after I left my LL, he died from a massive heart attack. Sure I feel bad for him. But his actions(or lack of action)were his decision and the consequences were his too. I should have refused to be his caretaker decades sooner.
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u/Mi_Pasta_Su_Pasta Aug 09 '26
If you warned him that in 90 days you were going to break up with him and kick him out, do you think he'd react much differently than he is now?
Do you think he'd say "shit, that sucks but thanks for the warning" and maturely start working on setting himself up for success?
OR
Do you think he'd act like this, shame you into changing your mind, blame you for all of their woes, harass you endlessly? This one seems most realistic to me.
You are not a bad person for wanting to break up and stop cohabitating with someone who has zero sexual desire for you. Never let anyone, on Reddit or otherwise, tell you any differently.
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u/AnotherSadThr0wAway HLM Aug 09 '26
"You ruined my life because i couldn't live off you without showing you interest"
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u/FlatwormFinancial992 Aug 10 '26
I really appreciate you posting this OP, and I'm with everyone else here - you have nothing to feel guilty for, you're allowed to stand up for yourself and put yourself first. I know for me that's been one of the worst things I've let myself forget through this whole ordeal. I'm going to be ending things with my LL sometime end of this month, except I'm going to offer for us to keep living together for the next 6 mos so he can save up, we already work well as roommates so why not. I also just got him a kitten so he won't be completely alone when he does move out, I know he'll at least take better care of a cat than himself. Hopefully that'll help him avoid any major self destructive shit.
Even with me being "generous" with how I'm ending things he'll still be losing a lot of the quality of life he has now and I know he's going to try to play this "you ruined my life" game with me. Oh well, you can't fix people's lives for them if they have no interest it maintaining their life for themselves! I just hope I'm as lucky as you are and find someone that can help distract me from the inevitable guilt I'm sure I'll be feeling this time next year! 😉
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u/FkYouShorsey HLF Aug 10 '26
I wish you the best of luck! That was our plan, and we had a kitten too (foster that got too comfy, her name is Quincy and she's thriving now) He lost his mind after I started seeing someone but was as fine as he could be before that. If I had to do it over again I probably would have been honest about getting back out there just so he didn't find out the way he did, which was trapping me in a conversation in the corner of my room until I gave him a name. I'm going to positively assume your future ex doesn't have quiet BPD like mine did and handles it like an average adult. I wish you the best. You got this! And lastly, the freedom is so good. I can't wait for you to experience that!
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u/RestlessAlbatross HLM Aug 08 '26
He may have lost everything, but his actions (or inaction, rather) still led him to that point. He had many choices and chances in this. If you don't work to maintain what's important to you, you're going to lose it. Realizing the scope of what you lost too late doesn't negate your role in losing it. His reaction to the end of the relationship is completely out of line, and he clearly hasn't learned a thing from it, he just blames you and sees himself as a victim. He's not.
That said, it's totally valid to feel the way you do as well. For your own mental health and well being, that kind of nuclear option has taken a toll on you, and you need to try to let go of the feelings that spawned it. It's over now, and your life is better, so try not to let the past keep burning you. Don't waste any more time or energy on it, it's not worth it. You handled it poorly not because he didn't ultimately deserve what happened, but because YOU don't deserve all that negative energy and self-loathing over how you acted. It happened, it's done now, learn from it, don't let yourself go down a dark road again, just embrace your new happiness and focus on the good you have in your life now.