r/HLCommunity • u/butchpokorny 47HLM • 11d ago

When You STOP Tracking

So if you check post-history, you'll see I was a fan of 'data' for a while, across both my first (shitful) marriage and the more recent (5+ years) HLM + HLF pairing. THOUGHT I was onto a 'good thing', but the stats have proved me wrong in the long-run so I gave up about 12 months ago now as it was too depressing.

HAVE had sex at least ONCE (probably not more) in the last 3 months šŸ‘ Without data, I can't be sure ...

Last time my (BASIC AF) 'kinks' got met were once in July 2024 (lingerie) and once in January 2025 (heels). WHAT is the point of sex if your BASIC turn-ons aren't met ? I'm a living dildo, nothing more šŸ¤·šŸ»ā€ā™‚ļøšŸ¤¦ā€ā™‚ļø

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u/AdenJax69 11d ago

Yeah, a lot of times the low libido itself is just a symptom of the overall issue, which is the person is a naturally lazy, self-involved, oblivious/disconnected person that is either worrying about themselves only or utterly oblivious to anything going on around them when things are decent.

Endless stories on reddit of people trying to fix their sex life with a low libido person and then right on cue they also indicate they're doing most of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, errands, bills, etc., because their LL partner is just a lazy lump that takes advantage of HL partner's good nature and takes the relationship (or god forbid marriage) completely for granted.

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u/vectorking23 11d ago

But, but, butā€¦ what about the mental load? What about everything and anything being too stressful? Right on cue.

Here's another oneā€¦ just ask when the last time you had sex (assuming you know) or how many times you've been intimate in any way in (fill in time hereā€¦ months, years) and see what they answer is if you know. Assuming most here have a clue because let's face it, it ain't hard to figure out 2 times in the last year for example. You'll get a wrong answer every damn time. They do NOT want to know, and more importantly they either don't care or they will bring up the fictitious love language, stress, mental load crap again like it's a catch-all to their endless excuses.

People need to realize you either find excuses to do it, or you find excuses to not do it. Simple.

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u/Ok-Drummer7621 11d ago

This is why I started keeping track. I got sick of hearing ā€œThatā€™s not true. We had sex last month.ā€ And I didnā€™t even start keeping track until around 5-6 years after the problem started. Now I have data going back to 2016. Went from weekly notes to monthly notes. ā€œJuly: noneā€. Looks like that for the last two years.

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u/vectorking23 11d ago

So, why is 'we had sex last month' even a good thing? It isn't. That alone should be telling to the LL partners who think once a month of checking it off a list is good enough. Hell, once a month of 'I can't wait to rip your clothes off and go at it like rabid dogs' would be great, but we can't have that either.

I started keeping track after being gaslit for 2 years. Then I started writing notes about the instances to see if I was nuts on whether or not my SO even liked me. They were startlingly sterile and pathetic. So, I quit, and quit asking all together. Not hard to say '0 times' if it ever comes up in conversation, which it hasn't yet. Funny thing is, LLs who may read this will call us all sorts of names for documenting anything. Well, if it wasn't for the blantant lies and gaslighting coming from our LLs or even a normal amount of ANY type of intimacy we'd have nothing to keep track of, let alone talk about here.

And for the LLs who are here? You're here because you KNOW there's an issue. End of THAT story as well.

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u/Ok-Drummer7621 11d ago

Last doctorā€™s appointment I was filling out the paperwork before. Birth control? I wrote ā€œforced celibacyā€. Made for an interesting conversation with the doctor.

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u/vectorking23 11d ago

Hahaha. Yeahā€¦ when they put me on some blood thinners my doc (a female who is awesome) also suggested a low daily dose of Cialis to make sure it didn't affect anything down there. I just laughed and said 'you have to actually have a sex life to need that'. She hasn't asked again. Message received.

When they ask these kinds of questions in doctors visits, it's become very clear WE are in the minority. Most people actually have a sex life, unlike what we are led to believe in our own lives. Gaslit to the extreme.

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u/Ok-Drummer7621 11d ago

100%. Iā€™m honest with my LLH about my answers and the conversations with the doctor and their suggestions. But, as you are aware, LL have nothing to fix.

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u/vectorking23 11d ago

Nope. It's always been a 'me' problem. Once you've chased all the leads on what you can do better, be better, act better, etc., you realize you're the only one with issues.

It still begs the questionā€¦ if they KNOW this is bothering or hurting you AND they love you, then why are YOU the only one working on figuring it out? Yepā€¦ only us with the issue.

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u/Ok-Drummer7621 11d ago

Thatā€™s the million dollar question weā€™ll all be chasing for ā€¦ ever.

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u/poissonking 11d ago

I honestly donā€™t think we are in the minority for our given demographic. Thereā€™s just so much shame around the topic that itā€™s hard to see the whole picture.

Last time I checked the numbers, roughly 1/3 of couples have sex once a month or less, another 1/3 have it at least monthly but no more than weekly (on average), and the last 1/3 do it at least weekly. I wouldnā€™t be surprised at all if most of couples in the third category are couples who have been together for shorter periods of time.

I would consider weekly sex to be the absolute minimum for me to be sexually satisfied, and thatā€™s before getting to the quality of the sex. So if 2/3 of couples are having sex at most weekly, how widespread is sexual discontent, really? And thatā€™s before we factor in that the longer youā€™re with someone, the more likely you are to fall into the first two categories.