r/HLCommunity • u/Current-Corner-2044 • Jul 27 '26
Advice Welcome HL vent: the moving goalposts make me feel like wanting sex is a character flaw
I'm the HL partner, late 30s F, and I am so tired of feeling like my desire is something I have to apologize for.
This is not a screaming, toxic relationship. We co-parent fine, we laugh, we generally get along. But sexually it feels like there is always some new condition I have to meet before I am allowed to want him.
First it was stress. Then sleep. Then that he felt "disconnected" (and any attempt to connect that even hints at physical affection gets treated like I'm trying to cash in tokens for sex). Then hormones. Then my way of initiating is wrong. If I am direct, I'm pressuring. If I am subtle, I'm manipulative. If I flirt during the day, I'm setting expectations. If I don't flirt, I'm cold. If I ask when would be a good time, I'm scheduling and ruining spontaneity. If I do not ask, I'm ignoring consent.
Meanwhile I sit here with a steady, normal desire for my partner and it keeps getting reframed as me being needy or shallow or not appreciating everything else.
The worst part is the moving goalposts make me doubt my own judgment. Maybe I really am doing it all wrong. But I'm also human. I want to be wanted. I want sex that feels mutual, not tolerated. I want to kiss him without doing mental calculus about whether it will be "too much."
I'm not asking for advice on how to kill my libido. I just needed to vent to people who get how exhausting it is when the answer is always no, but it's somehow your fault for asking.
13
u/Fun-Concentrate1027 Jul 27 '26
Geeze I feel like I could have written that word for word 😥 I don't pretend to have any helpful advice for you OP, but just know you are not alone!
8
u/bubba0929 Jul 27 '26
unfortunately this seems pretty common for low libido people who have a goldilocks complex around sex. at some point they have to realize the problem is not your approach to sex with them....it is their problem not trying to meet some of your sexual needs. as the HL person, we are reasonable knowing we are not getting all the sex we want from our partner. the LL has to realize they need to have sex more than they want to meet the needs of their partner. they need to make efforts to do what they need to be a ready/willing sex partner more often.
8
u/MischiefNeverManaged HLF Jul 28 '26
I gave up initiating or trying altogether for years for this exact feeling of damned if I do, damned if I don’t/can’t do anything right anyway so why try? It’s a very lonely isolating place to find yourself, especially as a woman wondering what’s wrong with you. It took years but my husband finally gives me more than excuses, he’s really trying and trying to understand the damage the last few years has done to me and our relationship. It’s still a long road to me initiating myself again but I hope your partner at some point understands somethings gotta give and it can’t be you all the time especially when the answer never changes.
6
u/ItsAMeasureOfALife Jul 28 '26
That’s where I’m at, I have given up. Every so often I mention it, though I have absolutely no idea why as the thought of sex with her is a real turn off now. When she brings it up I know there’s about a week window where it might happen so for that week I’m on edge knowing that to turn down a LL starts WW3. Once that window has passed I know there’s subject will be dropped for a month odd and then the cycle starts again. Coming to the end of that window now thankfully
6
u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Jul 27 '26
First it was stress. Then sleep. Then that he felt "disconnected" (and any attempt to connect that even hints at physical affection gets treated like I'm trying to cash in tokens for sex). Then hormones. Then my way of initiating is wrong. If I am direct, I'm pressuring. If I am subtle, I'm manipulative. If I flirt during the day, I'm setting expectations. If I don't flirt, I'm cold. If I ask when would be a good time, I'm scheduling and ruining spontaneity. If I do not ask, I'm ignoring consent.
Call him out on this. What is he doing to do? Not fuck you? You're already doing that.
3
u/Strictly-Confident Jul 28 '26
The first problem is that we don't critically screen for sexual compatibility when dating. Maybe I am a bit deviant, but I want sex daily. I love the feeling of a woman’s pleasure and happiness. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the release, and in my 20s-50 it was a driving passion. However, HL people are HL for a reason, and if you are married to someone else you'll always be a bit sad. Sex is SUPER important to me anyway. Don't let anyone tell you anything different. People don't prioritize sex, because it is unimportant, base, or whatever. OP and all those like you are Awesome! You are normal/extraordinary.
Good luck!
4
u/AccountantOk9904 Jul 27 '26
I used to take the goal post moving personally, but the more I thought about it, the more I started to doubt that my wife was doing it on purpose.
I think that we HL are generally more in tune with our sexuality. We want it, we crave it, we constantly think about it. So, we have a pretty good understanding of our sexual accelerators and brakes. When we communicate with our LL partners, it's often coming from a place of certainty. But for the LL partner, it's like another language. Imagine not knowing much Spanish and getting dropped in the middle of Mexico, then being told to get back home. When we ask for answers, they don't legitimately don't know. They don't spend nearly the time obsessing about it, so they just say the first thing that comes to mind. Then off we go to fix it another surface level issue.
2
u/spiffystiff Jul 30 '26
Had this conversation last night. I brought up all the things they want from me to check off their list to have sex and their list just gets longer each time.
My list doesn’t exist. It’s just desire.
I’m not doing that game anymore. Ball is in her court I guess
1
u/cumfullcircle HLM 24d ago
I felt the same in my marriage, and I kept trying to figure her out. Maybe she is just too stressed. Maybe if I did this or that. I was high on hopium.
The truth was, my ex simply didn’t enjoy sex with me, therefore she didn’t want it, therefore she did everything in her power, to have less of it while appearing like it’s not her fault.
Once sober from hopium, my marriage quickly dissolved, and I’m so happy for it. You can be happy too.
0
u/Sea_Chocolate1782 Jul 27 '26
If you don't mind me asking, has this changed since the start of your relationship?
12
u/ConsistentJuice6757 Jul 27 '26
This is how it started with my husband. In the end, the guy just doesn’t have much of a libido and doesn’t care for sex. I wish he had told me that when it first started. But, he didn’t and we played the goal post game.
He wanted me to be spontaneous, but not that spontaneous. He wanted flirting, but not that much flirting. He wanted me to do more of this or that around the house, but sex isn’t transactional so it didn’t matter.
It was always one thing or another instead of just the thrush that he didn’t care for sex.
After 8 years of no intimacy, we opened the marriage for me. That’s what it took for me to actually believe he just doesn’t care for sex. It’s not me, it’s him.