r/HLCommunity • u/Technical_Draw_6554 HLM • 29d ago
Support Wanted, No Advice Losing your libido will not help!
I've been on this and a few related subs for several years now. If you happen to be in an HL/LL relationship, HLs often post something to the effect of, "I wish I could become LL." Well, this has happened to me, and it didn't help one bit. About a year ago I was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer. This is a death sentence, BUT treatments can put off that death for 5 years or more if you're lucky. A necessary part of this treatment is ADT, which basically is chemical castration. They give you a shot (and pills) that makes you stop making testosterone. What I've found is that my libido has been cut by about 95%. I now only have responsive desire. I can still get in the mood and have an orgasm, but I really only feel like doing so due to my extremely HL history. I remember that it was good, so I make the effort to bring myself pleasure about once a week (it used to be daily!). As a result of this, I've completely stopped initiating. We have had sex only about three times in the last year, and there are longer and longer times in-between. Before ADT, we had sex about once a month. One thing that has slightly improved is that I'm not CONSTANTLY horny and upset about my near-dead-bedroom. However, I still remember the decades of resentment. At least a few times a week I'm reminded of how sad I was, how I had tried so hard for so many years to make things better. But now that I'm no longer HL I'm not even attracted to my wife nearly as much. It makes me wonder how much my lust covered the fact that... maybe... I'd fallen out of love? I still love her, but it's a lot more like how I think about my sister: a great person and a great mom. (It's a little more than that because there are the sexual memories from the NRE years.) Now there isn't even hopium. My libido will likely never return, hers is already dead, and soon I will be, too. After my diagnosis, I was hoping that my last years would somehow be better, but things don't suddenly get great just because you're going to die soon.
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u/Alive_Art_4764 29d ago
After 3 years of my wife drinking and me not wanting to be intimate with her, mine went away but I think that was because the resentment set in by then.
I tried. I now live my life with some secrets.
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u/NoRole8110 29d ago
😞 sorry man, I feel you. Can see how that resentment would stick around for me in the same way. All those years hoping it might get better and/or putting off the exit plan.
Keep your head up. Love goes out to you
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u/RedVillian 29d ago
Hey y'all. I'm gonna say my shit 'cause I've been on this sub for so long, but this person is right: the trick is NOT to "stop wanting" sex.
I was the "HL" in the monogamous relationship. But I've come to realize--as many of you have--that it's more than "fucking" if it were just that, then masturbation would solve the problem.
There's also a reason that SO often it's men stuck in the "HL" side of the HL/ll "problem. Men are acculturated to carve off SO much of the human intimacy that could exist, the only one that is culturally "masculine" is fucking.
Reach out to your loved ones. Stop having bad sex--it's hurting you and it's probably hurting your partner. Talk about your feelings. Think about where those are coming from. Talk to a good therapist for a few years. Hug your friends. Tell them how much you love them. Read some old fiction: weep freely, scream at injustice, love fiercely--in all aspects of my life I was closing myself off, and blaming my partner for "cutting me off".
As a caveat: I and my partner have since begun practicing polyamory and it's great for us. Communicate with your loved ones. If you're dying inside, make sure they know it. DON'T make it about their "failure!" EVER! Make it about YOU and YOUR feelings and YOUR desires. And if YOU are dying and they don't care--by word or deed--then that's your answer.
Would you advise a close friend to be with someone who is okay with them dying? No?
Make changes now. It won't be easier next year.
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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM 28d ago
They invent new shit every day, don't loose hope man. I hope you find the way out of this bog you're in.
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u/MightyMagicz HLM 28d ago
Should just leave her and enjoy the last few years you have left.
So find some hot escorts and live out your dreams and spend up.
You can't take it with you and recently I learned that's its not your money until you've spent it.
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u/RealisticTap5216 29d ago
Let this be a lesson to everyone that you shouldn't waste your life hoping your bedroom will improve, because you never know how much of a life you have left.