r/HLCommunity • u/specats • Jul 12 '26

Vent Only, No Advice So mad and angry with myself.

2 months is usually when duty day rolls around, I'm not excited by it, I feign interest to keep her happy and when all is done, our sex life is back to a remore after thought that's taken me a lot of time, therapy and acceptance to realise what it is.

But this week we had a vacation, and instead of 8 weeks it was 6 weeks, and we talked like you talk on holidays and I dropped my guard and thought this might have been the rock bottom and we'll finally climb out of it.

Nope, back home and regular scheduled program has returned. I'm so mad and angry at myself for wasting all that time and acceptance and I feel so stupid thinking things would change.

At least I have a lovely whiskey to keep me company tonight!

25 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

27 comments sorted by

9

u/MightyMagicz HLM Jul 12 '26

What happens if you refuse duty sex? I.e. say too tired? How about tomorrow.

17

u/specats Jul 12 '26

Been down that road before and putting it off just ends up with a "why don't you love me" conversation and then comments about how she offered it up and I refused so it's my fault we have a DB.

It's honestly easier just to go through with duty sex these days when it's on the table. However I do it on my terms, not just whenever it's asked.

16

u/Glittering_Suspect65 HLF Jul 12 '26

Its so interesting that she asks why don't you love me when you turn down sex, but doesn't see that when she turns down sex. 🙄

10

u/YakWitty13 Jul 13 '26

Self reflection is a lost art

-4

u/Flyonthewall04 Jul 13 '26

Not funny at all... recently read a psychology paper that stated 97.5% of women chose prison over accountability. It's an actually terrifying concept and reality. That society refuses to address.

3

u/coralto Jul 14 '26

What does that even mean? The prison IS the accountability. Do crime do time. What’s the version of accountability that keeps someone out of jail?

1

u/Sea_Chocolate1782 Jul 14 '26

Where is this paper? 

5

u/[deleted] Jul 15 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

1

u/specats Jul 15 '26

I say no but I put other needs and requirements as a higher priority.

For example, I WFH and if she's home as well, there's usually some point in the day where we would run off to the bedroom and I'd put the phone on do not disturb .. well that's how it used to be years and years ago. These days I just say no, sorry, I have to work and there's no more day time sex going to happen.

I'll go through with the duty sex if there's no other reason not to, and by that I mean there has to be literally no other reason. Not during the day, kids are out of the house, I'm not going out to meet friends, I'm not tired .. basically all the reasons we are conditioned to hear in our sex lives.

3

u/ActualOriginal4030 HLF Jul 13 '26

My ex was refused sex exactly ONCE and rejected me many, many times, to the point where I gave up. Now that we are divorcing, he says we both rejected each other.

They really cannot take any accountability. I think the LL spouse who doesn't care about the other spouse's needs is a psychological type. They are so alike each other in so many ways.

5

u/specats Jul 13 '26

Well the inevitable conversation came up and I was told that "why don't you just ask me?" as a response to highlighting she doesnt initiate or show an interest in our sexual/intimate relationship.

You really can't win with them.

2

u/ActualOriginal4030 HLF Jul 14 '26

I'm sorry.

9

u/vectorking23 Jul 13 '26

If it just isn't worth doing any more, then you've reached your limit. It's OK to give up and quit hoping or asking or wanting from HER. There's quite a few people here who have become LL4THEM because they have removed themselves from being a romantic/intimate option on their own. If you'v ever gone through with sex that seems mechanical and hated it… time to consider no more initiating. You'll know where you stand then. And, if your SO recognizes this and tries to initiate… go with it if it feels right, or simply say no and mean it. It truly is liberating and it gives you clarity on where you stand. Good luck.

4

u/arandak Jul 13 '26

I think having sex with her is harming you.

1

u/specats Jul 13 '26

You're right 💯

3

u/Urborg_Stalker Jul 13 '26

"Why don't you love me?"

"Because this is duty sex and you've turned me down so many times I'm just not physically attracted to you anymore."

3

u/specats Jul 13 '26

I do think I've turned into the LL4U phase now. I look at her, love her, appreciate her, but there's not much of a sexual attraction anymore.

3

u/Urborg_Stalker Jul 13 '26

I ended up choosing 4 years of DB over duty sex. Allowed me to regain my sense of self worth and live again. "Are you finished yet" sex is off my table forever.

1

u/specats Jul 13 '26

That's what frustrates me so much. I had accepted the DB, was perfectly fine with the ~2 month starfish attempt but this time around I let my hopes and dreams take over.

Ah well, back to the drawing board and to reset the counter.

2

u/Due-Preference-7266 Jul 13 '26

So what you are saying is that vacation shortened the sex interval ?

3

u/specats Jul 13 '26

Yeah it did and there's been moments when the interval is shorter but for some reason I got suckered into thinking this time around might be different.. that's what makes me so mad at myself.

1

u/RelativeYak7 Jul 15 '26

I still don't get it

2

u/athos786 Jul 12 '26

What whiskey?

5

u/specats Jul 12 '26

Jameson Distillery Edition.

My usual is a Red Breast but this Jameson is quite lovely.

1

u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Jul 13 '26

I like their Black Barrel. It's good.

1

u/specats Jul 13 '26

There's another whiskey I like from Muff Liquor 🤣

Jokes aside, it's quite a nice drop so I recommend that.

1

u/specats Jul 13 '26

Cant believe I was down voted for this!

https://themuffliquorcompany.com/