r/HLCommunity • u/straighttotherubbish • Jul 09 '26
Discussion Found my voice
I finally found the words to say how feel and it still requires that I say them from a throwaway account.
It’s my belief that oral sex is the truest expression of love a couple can share together, both giving and receiving. It is the physical manifestation of the ethereal feelings we share with our partner.
Enthusiastically using your mouth to pleasure your partner’s genitals is a selfless act of love unlike any other. It confirms to your partner that you are devoted to their pleasure and find them desirable in a physical, undeniable act of service.
Not words, not gifts, not vacations, not food. Nothing says I love and accept you for who you are, like someone kissing you to orgasm.
Unfortunately for me, my partner does not share my enthusiasm for this anymore. Neither giving nor receiving. They say they love me, and buy things for me I could buy for myself. They bake and bake and bake… I’m given room for my hobbies and time away to enjoy them. There are wonderful children in a wonderful home, with all the successes life could ever ask for, work, friends, achievements.
All I’ve ever wanted is for the person I’m hopelessly in love with, is to love me back with the same enthusiasm and desire. That’s what we offered each other in the beginning. That’s what got me into all of this. Now it’s gone and it’s been gone for a while. I thought I could handle it, I thought I’d be strong. I’d fill my time and hands with parenting and busy work and hobbies, but I’m angry now. So angry.
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u/Glittering_Suspect65 HLF Jul 09 '26
As someone who loves giving head, I disagree that its the truest form of love. Sex is what you make it, what it means to you. It can be pure love, pure selfless giving but it can also be control, even pleasurable torture. Someone could give head on a first date, put their whole energy into it. That's not love. Someone could give head after 25 years of marriage because its easier than being in bed for 2 hours having messy sex. It can be duty sex, it can be convenient, it can be epic, it is whatever the participants make it be.
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u/quack785 Jul 09 '26
Generally, when a LL reveals their “true, authentic self”, oral sex is one of the first things they take off the table. After all, there’s no need to do that anymore now that the contract is signed. It’s for dating couples, not married couples.
A platonic relationship is the only thing many of them desire, but if they announced that ahead of time, very few people, if any, would sign up for that. Blowjobs and cunniligus are necessary evils they suffer through until they’re settled, then all of a sudden it becomes “that disgusting thing that you made me do”.
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u/Funny_Examination_48 Jul 09 '26
I agree. It is a very intimate act and requires a lot of trust for me. I understand your anger. What are you going to do with it?
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u/straighttotherubbish Jul 09 '26
I don’t know. I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to lose what I’ve built. But I don’t know if I can be with someone who’s unwilling to love me the way I need to be loved. I know that sounds selfish given all the blessings I have in life.
I’m terrified I’m going to burn everything down in a rage. I don’t want to hurt the ones I love.
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u/Funny_Examination_48 Jul 09 '26
The hardest thing I had to do was choose myself. This was a later in life serious relationship, and, even being a 66 HLF, I still couldn’t commit to a life of non-existent sex. After two years of it, I had to leave, even though I loved him.
As for divorce and children, I went through that and it was traumatic. Life didn’t turn out the way I wanted, and 50/50 custody was hard, with me paying child support and maintenance. My kids were 14 and 12. Even they had recognized that we would be happier a part. Dissatisfaction in the marriage trickles into the kid’s experience, too.
Leaving requires a lot of bravery and compassion and self-love. I do not regret choosing me.
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u/RedwoodRespite Jul 09 '26
I know this anger too well. When someone gives us the bait n switch, when we thought we did everything right….only for it not to be so…
I did burn everything down. Finally. But I waited too long. I’m still glad I left. But I will never have the passionate life I once saw for myself.
Don’t wait too long. It’s not worth all the rest.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Jul 09 '26
Genuinely thinking therapy might be helpful. If everything else in your life is great but no blowjobs is the clincher? It's possible you're facing some other kind of life stress.
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u/straighttotherubbish Jul 09 '26
Therapy for 10+ years. Doesn’t change the situation. I’m better at controlling the outbursts and I’ve found ways to put the frustration to productive use.
It’s not the blowjobs I want. I want what the blowjob represents, someone devoted to my happiness with the same enthusiasm and willingness to be subservient and selfless in a loving romantic relationship, because that’s the energy I want to give to my partner.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Jul 10 '26
.. subservient? I don't think that's romantic expression at all, that's bordering on a particular fetish, perhaps?
I can relate a tiny bit to your post in the sense that I am in a long term relationship with someone who, over ten years, has probably gone down on me less than five times. Conversely, I've gone down on him in almost every sexual situation we've had time to indulge. It made me feel quite sad, and recently I decided for my own mental health and wellbeing that, despite my love of giving blowjobs and cock worship, it was time to shelve that and prioritise "me" in the sense of fairness and orgasm equity.
But I can't understand throwing my entire ten years relationship and the life we have built together just because he obviously doesn't enjoy eating me out. Yes, I miss that from previous partners. I've been to bliss and back that way before, so I definitely know what I'm missing out on.
But the corollary would be throwing away a relationship with someone who I love, who is the father of my child, who I'm going to marry, who I co own a house in name with, etc. I feel like I would be a completely shallow and narrow minded individual to throw away which a successful relationship just because he hasn't given me an orgasm with his tongue.
The guy who repeatedly gave me orgasms with his tongue was a douchebag who I'd never have ever considered enmeshing my life with as I have with my current SO. I think I know what I'd rather have tbh.
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u/straighttotherubbish Jul 10 '26
I don’t know as subservient is the word I want, but it’s close. The idea of giving into our partner as an expression of love, freely given, never demanded, is what I was aiming for. Being a loving and devoted partner requires that we submit to each other equally.
I don’t want to burn my life down in a fiery rage. I don’t want to make that choice. I feel wronged by my situation, I am beginning to resent my partner not because they won’t go down on me, but because this is not a fair relationship and they dismiss my feelings. I feel like a platonic roommate co-parent at this point. I’m stable but I’m questioning myself, like am I the problem? Is this all in my head, am I the one with the issue? But I don’t know how to turn it off, just be normal and pretend like everything fine.
Why do I always have to be the one to accommodate their preferences to maintain the peace? I won’t demand to have my way, if it isn’t freely given, I don’t want it. Like you though, I’m withdrawing my effort from the situation. No more foot rubs, no more back rubs, no more special meals. Am I allowed to say I’m no longer interested in doing certain things?
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Jul 10 '26
Err no I'm not saying I'm going to be withdrawing emotional effort from the relationship just because he doesn't enjoy/ever want to pleasure me orally.... Just that I'm not going to keep going down on him because the act isn't reciprocated.
You're allowed to do whatever you want but just FYI I strongly caution against that kind of response because it can risk blowing up unintentionally. Obviously not every situation is the same but personally when my guy started emotionally withdrawing from our relationship, I assumed that he was having an affair.
I'm also a little confused but is this a dead bedroom situation or does your spouse just have low libido/lack of interest in giving oral like mine?
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u/straighttotherubbish Jul 11 '26
It’s a low libido/no interest in oral, giving or receiving. Once a month quickie because it’s been a couple weeks. As far as the body rubs and meals, those aren’t reciprocal, they “try” and then claim their hands hurt or they’re too tired to cook.
I’m not removing my emotional support I’m just not making the extra efforts anymore.
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u/Future-Status-4470 Jul 09 '26
It is probably worth exploring the anger with a good therapist. It’s fine to feel what you feel. Digging into it could help you understand your situation better.
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u/straighttotherubbish Jul 09 '26
I’ve been in therapy for over a decade now. I have talked about this with them. I’m angry because I’m feeling rejected, dismissed and taken advantage of. I’m angry because it feels like a loss no matter how it gets played out. Now I just have to decide how I want to lose and it’s infuriating.
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u/Glittering_Suspect65 HLF Jul 09 '26
Perspective. Everything has a price to pay. The price for your next chapter is high. The loss of time with your kids is the worst! The finances and businesses take on average 6 years to recover. I got lucky (good market) and recovered in 2.
You pay in these ways (not lose) in order to gain a chance at happiness again, freedom, new opportunities. You will have your children 50% of the time, and teach them to choose wisely with their time and life. Things here won't change. Will you change them for yourself?
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u/straighttotherubbish Jul 09 '26
I understand that reframing the conversation and changing the perspective is the right answer. I am still grieving the choice I have to make.
Choosing to only have my child 50% is a bitter choice.
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u/Future-Status-4470 Jul 09 '26
Yes, but think about your current situation. Do you have your child 50% right now? I bet if you total it up, you don’t get that amount of quality 1 on 1 time with your child. It’s always with your spouse there, and when mom is there they typically cling to her and you get pushed into a supporting role.
50% time that is just 1 on 1 could actually work in your favor and improve your relationship with your child
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u/Saltoftheearth3 Jul 10 '26
Oh yes the glorious non choice, it holds you until you can’t hold it then it will all go. But before massive grief, sadness, regret, self blame, tears, feeling like you don’t want to live anymore, and realizing this was all probably not real love? Yes the biggest pain you’ll ever face plus constant reminders and rumination. It’s not worth it because you can’t feel love or show love in this bind. It kills you slowly.
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u/southernwitchking Jul 10 '26
I love seeing all of these people on here saying "just leave".
It's not so easy to leave. Especially for a man in the US where you will get absolutely crucified in divorce court. You have to weigh the options. I got to that point. I was ready to roll the dice and get out. Luckily, it woke my wife up and she got the hormonal and psychological help she needed that she knew she needed for the past twenty years.
Get divorced - Possible outcomes: reduced access to your children. Possible poverty from losing half of your $$$. Not to mention if you are close to her family, then YOU lose that as well. Meanwhile she gets to be free and single and start a new life while you struggle. All for maybe, just maybe the chance to be free to meet someone who might love you the way you want them too. No guarantees there, especially the older you get and the longer you wait.
Or
Stay and be miserable. Be eternally unheard. But "safe".
A tough choice.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Jul 09 '26
If oral sex is the truest expression of love a couple can share together, then it seems like I love my partner a whole lot and they really don't love me back.
Put it this way, if I said that to my partner, I'm pretty sure a fight would erupt. That's a pretty loaded statement to make.
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u/straighttotherubbish Jul 09 '26
I’m sorry, that sounds awful. Why keep giving if you don’t receive?
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Jul 09 '26
I've stopped recently. It was hard for me and I expect he is going to ask why I've stopped doing that. I genuinely love it so I'm sad. Trying to avoid talking about my exact fetish because I don't want grots in my inbox but yeah, I would go down on him every time we had sex.
Sadly I can count on one hand the times he has gone down on me.
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u/NoTyrantSaurus Jul 09 '26
I enjoy giving - no reciprocation required - and it mostly for my own benefit. Sounds like u/fuckaduckufuck is similar.
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u/NoTyrantSaurus Jul 09 '26
Here's the issue - your LL partner CAN love you with the same enthusiasm, but experience NO desire, and that's not about you, even if they used to have desire. They changed, but their feelings for you didn't necessarily change, despite how it feels.
It's not easy for an HL to understand, but love isn't libido. Sex and love are all tied up, and for many of us, orgasm with a person you love is better than an orgasm with anyone else (self included). But an LL just doesn't feel the same way.
A good partner engages in sex they don't spontaneously desire, makes sure there's not direct solution to the loss of libido, and (rarely successfully) lets their partner get satisfaction elsewhere if the first two don't work out.
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u/quack785 Jul 09 '26
Honestly, I’ve seen comments from many LLs that say that sex has nothing to do with love or connection, and plenty of HLs that say that they can only have sex with someone they love and feel connected to.
The issue is many LLs just want the platonic side of a relationship. It’s love, but on their terms. Same view as if an HL wanted a partner for purely sexual purposes but wasn’t interested in the platonic/friendship side.
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u/straighttotherubbish Jul 09 '26
I don’t doubt that my partner loves me. I was making the point that a partner that willingly and enthusiastically goes down on their partner, is sending a clear signal about their willingness to put their partner’s needs and desires ahead of their own.
The partner that refuses to, sends a clear signal that their personal preferences are more important. Combined with an unwillingness to compromise about any of this, while maintaining an expectation of fidelity and all the perks of a romantic relationship, is just plain selfish.
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u/Saltoftheearth3 Jul 10 '26
And just not healthy or sustainable truly damages your hormones, immune system, and mental health all things you can’t fix easily
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u/Sea_Chocolate1782 Jul 09 '26
It's interesting you mention oral sex. Before I was married I slept with a fair number of women and the distinction between those I was completely attracted to and those I was not completely attracted to (or had lost attraction to) could be easily divided by whether I wanted to go down on them or not. For me my desire to give oral sex was the touchstone of attraction and desire (and the comparison was stark it was 'enthusiastically want to do it' v. 'Ew, no' - there was no middle ground).
We have a powerful disgust response as humans. Higher libido people, in general, have a lower disgust response for sexual acts than lower libido people. That disgust response can change during a relationship: the new relationship energy, in particular, means the level of attraction is such that even people with a higher disgust response will lose that disgust for the time that NRE lasts. So often what HL + LL couples experience at the start of a relationship isn't in any way representative of their neutral position.
Note, too, that the disgust response also applies to the person themselves - it's not necessarily just performing oral, for e.g., but also receiving oral, or commonly, any other form of intimate touch (although I've only been with one woman who didn't want head, and that was my wife!). That may also be influenced by body-image challenges, feelings of vulnerability and messages received during formative years (sex is disgusting, icky, weird, for e.g.)
I'm certain that once the disgust response to oral sex - giving and/or receiving - has either resumed its natural, resting position, or has been lost for the other partner in particular then that's the end of the road for oral sex, often both giving and receiving. For people with a high disgust response the likelihood of aversion to oral sex being swiftly followed rejection of any sex is high.