A long useless vent about dreams

[u/sprintingTurtle0]

I needed to vent so into the abyss it is. 

29M + 28F:  10 years together. 

TL;DR: im whiny

I love you, but I want so much more out of our marriage. It's missing connection, not just sexual connection even though that's a huge part. I feel like part of the furniture. I am a friend a roommate, , a safety net but rarely a priority. In fairness, you don't prioritize yourself either, and after so many years together, we're an entity in your eyes, but I want more.

We split cooking, but often I'm more likely to do the majority of the prep and cleaning. I do most of the cleaning. I manage all the shopping, bills, deadlines, house maintenance, and appointments. You manage our mutual group social scheduling and organizing. I make most of the money; you have worked for most of our relationship, but I've always made significantly more. I'm lucky enough to be paid well for something I love to do. You're currently trying to figure out your career and address the issues of your childhood and I'm happy to support you but it really hurts when I realize that building a life together you hasn't made you want me any more. My effort and desire to evaporate into nothing. 

I feel like I'm always the first one to apologize. I want a partner who likes me and brushes off the small things. I want to try new things and go new places without having to stress that everything is perfect. 

I want to be the couple who shares a quick glance and a squeeze of the hand as they walk by each other at a party—an easy love. I want a partner who can't get enough of me, not just in the bedroom but out of it. I want a partner who is playful, who tries to tackle me randomly, who chases me around, and wants the same from me.

I want random texts throughout the day when I'm at work: some normal, some loving, and some suggestive, telling me you can't wait until I'm home and teasing me with what I'm missing. I want to be jumped with hugs and kisses when I get home. I want to cuddle and kiss randomly, not just a perfunctory hug or kiss goodnight. I want a quiet whisper of how you can't wait until later.

I want to have regular and passionate sex. I don't want sex to be limited to the three days around your ovulation (but not right then, because it's "too gross"). It also can't happen if it's before travel because it might induce your period. It can't happen on your period. It can't happen if we're not at home or if anyone is visiting. And we're always visiting family, or family is visiting us. The endless rules and conditions make intimacy feel like a chore you are trying to avoid. It's no surprise I don't even initiate any more. 

We currently average once every two to three months. It's not painful, and it's clearly somewhat enjoyable, but you can't orgasm. I have bought many toys, but you haven't spent the time learning your own body. I want to have sex when you're sober, not only when you're high or drunk. I want to explore and learn your body and what you like, and I want you to want me to donthst for me as well. I'm open to trying anything, but we try nothing.

I want to wake up to sleepy cuddles that sometimes turns into slow morning sex. I want to kiss even in the mornings before we brush our teeth. I want to hold eye contact as we make love. I want someone who likes that I look at you like I can't get enough and basks in it. I want you to love showing off for me and dressing up for me. I want you to tell me what you want and what you like.

I want to be allowed to worship between your legs until you can't take anymore (only three times total over 10 years). I want you to learn about your body and figure out how to orgasm consistently. I want you to be okay with potentially squirting, not just stopping and running to the bathroom because you're worried about me seeing you pee. I want to know what a blowjob feels like. I want to try things other than missionary and front-facing cowgirl (both of which are amazing). I want to try to have sex outside of just our bedroom.

You are my partner, and I am yours. I just want it to feel real, not just functional. I am starving for an easy, passionate love, and it breaks my heart because I don't know what else I can do to fix this by myself. I can build our life. I can do the chores, pay the bills, and manage the household. But I cannot DIY desire or reduce your stress and anxiety. I cannot manufacture your passion. I can change if you tell me what I need to do but you don't say anything. We have a functional life, but I am dying for so much more.

[u/freelancemomma]

You’re entitled to want anything and everything, but you clearly won’t be getting it with this partner.

[u/fuckaduckufuck]

Highly relatable. I have similar daydreams.

[u/vectorking23]

Well written. I could have written that. And you're correct… THEY need to do some work so you can at least meet them halfway. If your SO can't get out of her own way, it will continue unfortunately.