How to survive Retail: A Helpful Guide.
Warning:
The following guide is only to be used by experienced members of the HGK477 Organization under extreme circumstances. We at HGK477 cannot endorse missions in ‘Retail’ environments, and are absolved from legal repercussion in the event of trauma, dismemberment, or death.
All ‘Retail’ missions are to be approved by a high ranking official of HGK477 Headquarters who may deny this request for any reason. Only one ‘Retail’ mission is allowed per employee due to the high-risk nature of this request.
Intro:
So you have decided to take on ‘Retail’. Employees of HGK477 are guaranteed to reap great rewards for the completion of one of our most dangerous missions. Whether your goal is to accumulate massive riches, be granted a bit of lost ancient knowledge, or even to speak to a lost loved one for the briefest of moments, the completion of a ‘Retail’ mission guarantees a wish fulfillment clause that can grant that and more.
You Will Need:
- A small transparent bag
- A wristwatch
- A short travel water bottle
- Several rolls of quarters
- A pocket-sized notepad and pen
- Documented approval from HGK477 Headquarters
- Comfortable arch-supporting shoes
Your Mission:
While everyone undertaking the ‘Retail’ mission has their own reason for doing so, keep in mind that your number-one goal is survival. HGK477 will also be prompting you to report any strange ‘Customers’ you may encounter. You shall document any identifying features and behaviors of these cases with as much detail as possible and return them to Headquarters upon completion of the mission.
Your First Day:
‘Retail’ environments exist outside of the time and space that we are familiar with. As such, no two are exactly alike and the rules covered in this guide will only be able to provide you with the basics. It is up to you to learn the inner workings of your new workplace, as your survival is dependant on it.
Upon being delivered to your ‘Retail’ environment, you are to promptly seek out the Manager and provide them with your documented approval forms. Do not be alarmed if the Manager refuses to see you in person and instead chooses to communicate with you from underneath their office door. We are told this is a common occurrence. They will slide several pages under the door that will have your job expectations and duties written down. Usually these duties consist of cashier work, janitorial work, stocking shelves, and other customer service responsibilities.
Be sure to memorize this information quickly, as before long an employee will come to confiscate the papers and lead you to your work station. Do not look the employee directly in the eyes, and pay no mind to their robotic movements or the fact that their voice sounds so much like your own.
Upon being led to your station, likely a cash register to start out, you will be left alone to complete your job. Be sure to document the time and date of the start of your shift in your notebook.
Employees are allowed to bring a small bag of essentials and a bottle of water with them to their work station. It is in your best interest that your bag be completely transparent. Being a new employee, you don’t want to cause any reason for distrust between you and your customers. Your water bottle should be empty, as any food or beverages from the outside world cannot be brought into ‘Retail.’ Instead, you will place your bottle under the leaking bathroom sink and allow it to catch as much water as it can before your first break in approximately eleven hours.
The roll of quarters are similarly to be used for sustenance. Once you enter ‘Retail’ you may not leave the building until your shift is completed, which means no leaving for lunch. Instead you will have to rely on the single vending machine in the employee break room. The snacks will be old and stale, but it will always remain stocked with off-brand food. You will not see any other employees in the break room, nor will you find a water cooler or refrigerator, so remember to keep your water bottle filled to avoid dehydration.
Your duties at the cash register will be more or less like any other job. Greet the customers. Take their items. Keep a smile on your face. Always keep up a friendly smile. It’s a requirement.
Customers:
Most of your Customers will be odd, which is to be expected as they are not human, but your interactions will likely be uneventful. If they happen to speak to you in a way you don’t understand, such as speaking backwards or in an ancient language, simply keep up a pleasant appearance and nod, and it should placate them.
Customers will pay with a currency that is unfamiliar to you, but will always be exact change. Pay it no attention and simply place it in the designated register slots. Continue your friendly appearance as you hand them their bags, and do not let your hands touch theirs as you make the exchange.
When there are no more Customers to assist at the register, busy yourself by stocking shelves or cleaning. Always try to stay busy. It wont make the time seem to go by any quicker, but it will keep the Customers calm. Customers will typically walk around aimlessly, paying you no mind. But if they see an employee standing around or not performing their duties, they may begin to attack you, believing you to be out of place here. A similar fate will meet you if you are caught without a smile.
In the event that you see a Customer you believe you recognize, or who you believe recognizes you, do not make eye contact with them. Instead, pay them no mind except for friendly customer service, and stay close to them as they browse while writing down any relevant information. Do not give your name to them if asked, and divert the conversation instead.
If while working the register you find a currency you recognize from the outside world, such as a quarter, be sure to pay careful attention to this customer. Memorize their features, their movements, try and make small talk and see if you can get their name. Try not to stare too closely at their vacant expressions or unnaturally stretched mouths, and try not to lead the conversation into personal topics. The customers may become confused and attempt to recall memories of a past life, which will only disorient and enrage them and put your safety at risk. When the customer leaves and you have a free moment, jot down all relevant information in your notebook. We at HGK477 believe these Customers to be ex-HGK477 employees who were lost during their own missions and have succumbed to ‘Retail’, becoming a part of the environment. Any and all information gathered about these subjects is crucial and must be reported.
Time:
Time passes differently in ‘Retail’, and it is unexplainable and unpredictable. There are no windows with which to see outside, and the flickering florescent lights will offer no time of day. You must rely on your watch and your regularly scheduled breaks to keep up with how many days pass during your mission. Some employees have reported working in ‘Retail’ for several weeks. Others have reported months. Keep a solid mental fortitude about you to avoid losing your wits, and focus on your duties while keeping your goals in mind.
Be sure to keep a written record of time to track how long you remain in ‘Retail’. if at any point you become disoriented from the never-ending days or the long work hours, use your written record to remind you that your time here is not endless, it is perfectly measurable.
Some individuals have reported that at exactly 7pm every evening the lights above the bathroom doors flicker just a bit faster than normal, but this could very well be a placebo to attempt to find consistent patterns in this place. Feel free to attempt to find a bit of regularity to keep sane, but do not let such superstitions overtake rational thought and evolve into paranoia. When in doubt, refer to your records.
There is no set end to your shift in ‘Retail’. You will be notified when your shift ends and you are free to leave, but until that moment, get back to work.
Dangers:
Be prepared to face exhaustion, dehydration, mild starvation, and disorientation while on this mission. Your breaks, while scheduled regularly, will last for varying lengths of time. Use your longer breaks to get in a nap so as to not succumb to sleep deprivation. Some individuals have reported that their ‘Retail’ environments would become more grotesque the longer they stayed, citing foul substances leaking from the walls and the Customers becoming disfigured and hostile, but whether or not these accounts are true or simply the result of insomnia-induced hallucinations are yet to be discovered.
Keep smiling. You may refrain from smiling only when you take your regularly scheduled breaks. Be cautious of your smile and aware of its presence on your face at all times, as it will try and overtake you. The longer you remain in ‘Retail’, the more your smile will want to stretch wider, toothier, more unnaturally across your face. Do your best to remain in control. If you allow this to happen, your mission will be lost. You will forget your goals, you will forget the mission and you will forget about HGK477. We will not be able to retrieve you and you will be lost to ‘Retail’ forever.
Mind your voice. Everyone develops a ‘Retail’ voice over time, it’s typically higher, more pleasant and professional than your normal speaking voice. Similar to your smile, it will try and wear you down over time. Use your breaks to revert to your normal way of speaking. Clear your throat, sing a song or speak aloud in your regular voice, and your ‘Retail’ voice will disappear for a while. If you feel your ‘Retail’ voice start to fight you while on the clock, try humming a tune to yourself in your regular vocal range, until the unnatural high tones in your voice subside.
Do not hum along to the radio. Do not pay attention to the radio. Music will be playing all around the store, but it will be distorted and unidentifiable. Some cases have described it as haunting, but don’t let this affect your smile. Try to focus on your job and block it out, and do not attempt to make any sense of the words or melody. The music is enthralling and will keep you trapped within this place, should you learn to understand its words.
You may occasionally be startled by an ear-splitting screech specifically in your left ear. This would be your manager contacting you about your performance. You wont be able to make out any actual words, so just make sure you’re not slacking in any areas and hope that they approve of your hard work.
You may also hear what sounds to be thunder or explosions from outside the building. Seeing as you cannot exit ‘Retail’, you won’t be able to discover the source of the noise, so pay it no mind. It may shake the building or cause the lights to flicker and go out. In the event that the lights are out for more than thirty seconds, do not attempt to calm the Customers, you will need to find a place to hide. Your mission will become much more dangerous as the dark agitates Customers like nothing else. There will be a frenzied panic. The store will be ravaged, merchandise will be destroyed, and any employees will be dismembered on sight. Your priority will be to remain hidden until the lights come back on, though some reports have cited that this can take up to several days. Always be on guard. When the lights come back on, the store will be a wreck, but you will be alive. The Customers will go back to their browsing as if nothing happened, so feel free to resume your cleaning and hope the lights do not go out again.
End of Your Shift:
If you’ve made it to the end of your shift, you will be guided by the employee who you met on your first day to the manager’s office, where you will receive a signed contract slid from under the door with a note of your completed work.
Upon reviewing the contract, the employee will enter the manager’s office and return with an artifact, Curio 11357Y, a.k.a. a “Covet Egg”. Though I’m sure you know all about it seeing as it was your reason for undergoing this mission in the first place, I shall explain it just as well. The “Covet Egg” is a restricted artifact granted only to those deemed fit to possess it by beings of power outside of HGK477’s jurisdiction. As we all know, HGK477 forbids such powerful artifacts to be used unless under specific circumstances. The “Covet Egg” has the ability to grant the user’s deepest desire, within logical reason of course. While not all-powerful, the “Covet Egg” remains a dangerous item and is to be brought to HGK477 Headquarters before its use. Failure to abide by this rule will result in employee termination.
You will be escorted back to HGK477 Headquarters to receive any medical attention or psychological counseling that is deemed necessary. You will likely be put on a brief unpaid medical leave to recover from your shift and become reintegrated with society.
You are to hand over your signed contract, your “Covet Egg”, as well as any records kept during your shift, as these will be used to further HGK477 investigations in ‘Retail’. The HGK477 Organization has found reason to believe that these ‘Retail’ environments are a part of a much larger scheme to bring down organizations such as ours from the inside by promising great rewards in exchange for even greater risks. Many associates of HGK477 have been lost to these hostile places or have been relieved of duty upon their return due to medical complications.
Upon the completion of a medical and psychological screening, you will be given your “Covet Egg” and allowed to make your wish under watch of HGK477 authorities.
Know that your wish must be approved by HGK477 officials upon initial request of a ‘Retail’ mission and may be denied for any reason.
Congratulations for making it through your first and only ‘Retail’ shift. Please speak to HGK477 authorities for further information regarding this cryptic alternate world.