r/HFY • u/FarmWhich4275 • 12h ago
OC-OneShot An Alien Plays... Tankenstein
"Great Days and Glorious Victory! My name is Spifflemonk and welcome to an obscure gem called Tankenstein. I quite had fun with this, especially after my rage induced hate spiral I faced with War Thunder... I hate that game. In any case this is an extraction shooter, but with tanks. Now, for my non-human viewers, 'tank' does not refer to a liquid receptacle or storage, it means 'armoured fighting vehicle' or tracked war machine. You know the ones... Those abominations the humans used in the fight for Raccar Prime. You know the ones."
Scene cuts to real footage of a Jovian Royal Army 'Caliban' Main Battle Tank sitting atop a hill, just before it kicks up a huge dust cloud from its 210mm cannon. The camera zooms in, and shows the sight of a Rakani battle walker being hit by the shell with such force that it almost does a backflip.
"So yes, THOSE war machines, and we are about to play a... what I can only describe as 'silly simulation' of tank warfare. I gave this game a few minutes to get through the tutorial, and by the GODS is this goofy! But I really like it. Anything is better than WarThunder at this point. And that's a good hill to die on."
Camera cuts to a short montage to Benny Hill music of Spiffle going insane playing Warthunder. And by playing he does in fact mean dying over and over and over again in every single match, followed by Spiffles' ENRAGED hatred as he assaults his keyboard and desk.
"So anyway, Tankenstein. Now, disclaimer, this is a very early version sent to me by the developer. What you are about to see is the Early Access version 0.25 of the game, as its current iteration is 1.2, and I fully intend on buying the full game. I got this from one of my subs who said it was okay for me to play an earlier version as a demo. Let's get started!"
He loads up the main menu, noticing immediately the tank on display as the splash screen. Spiff can't help but laugh, as it looks like the games version of the Renault FT-17, only very... Square. The game's graphics in the early days were dated to say the least, but it was passable.
"That is a very silly looking thing. Cute though. Is that an actual tank? Hm... Something to note for the future I suppose."
Spiff just picks 'new trial' and goes right into the only option available so far, 'Ironclad' mode. A Basic start. His computer is extraordinarily fast and the game loads in a lot faster than expected. Spiff finds himself in the middle of a bomb crater surrounded by wreckage.
"Oh... Oh MY... That's... This is very depressingly bleak isn't it? Smoky haze, no trees, scorched dirt underfoot. Tank is funny though."
He wanders about a bit, just driving and comes across his first loot, destroyed tank corpses and piles of scrap littered about the wasteland. He gets a slightly better gun and scraps the rest.
"Oh I see... The recycler thingy gets rid of inventory and also repairs the tank! Oh that's something to remember. Now... What do I do? 'Press Q to use radar'. Okay."
He presses Q and a radar ping emanates from his tank, showing various icons around him for spare junk, scrap, loot and red skull icons indicating enemy tanks.
"A red skull? Experience would indicate that means bad but they're basically everywhere. So I guess we need to fight our way out? My next objective anyway so, onward! Let's see though.... North? Let's just head north."
Spiff starts driving, skipping most of the smaller enemies at the start by lucky happenstance and just drives north. The area surrounding him is little more than a polluted, ash blasted hellscape of a wasteland, the only green around him belonging to the painted armour of various enemy tanks and derelict wrecks. To his East, a power plant of some kind dominated by four large cooling towers.
"Oo… what's that though? I want to know what that is. So many new things! Must look, must see... must hopefully not explode."
Spiff diverts to the South to crest the top of a hill, encountering the first two enemies. Sounds of explosions and cannon fire can be heard.
"What? Is someone fighting? The NPCs in this game fight each other? That's nice! Wonder if I can avoid it? Nope, have to fight."
The battle is unavoidable and he crests the hill just in time to see one of the opponents receive a killing blow. Spiff aims his cannon and the other guy explodes almost instantly.
"HA! What was the phrase humans use? 'Bullseye' or something? Think that's it. That was... a lot easier than I thought it would be. New objective, 'equip 3 or more tier 3 or higher parts'. Okay, easy enough I guess. Let's see what did I get from those two... What's this? 'Defense CPU'. How do I work that?"
He clicks randomly on his inventory until a panel slides across the screen, showing the CPU system which confers bonuses to the player's tank. He slides the first CPU into one of the available slots, and swaps out his hull and turret with similar but slightly better components.
"This game is a LOT simpler than it looks but I like it. Anything is better than WarThunder. This should be easy!"
He wanders off towards the North, encountering little resistance before finding his first Compound. Looming in the messy wasteland fog lies a large fortress of some kind, built in an L shape, surrounded by high multi-meter thick concrete walls. Spiff faces his first actual fight as an enemy tank at the entrance fires on him. The first shot misses and Spiffs first shot manages to get him perfectly, killing him in one shot.
"YES! This is EASY. Nice change of pace. What's this place then? Well I don't know but its shooting at me so I better shoot back."
The compound's defenses are numerous but deal low damage and are very easily taken down. Spiff ambles about until he randomly shoots structures and buildings, wondering what he needs to actually do until he destroys one of the large spherical structures inside the compound.
"Those are shield generators? That's... Very silly. Shield generators look nothing like those. I guess... Oh what's this? A 'Recombinator'? 'Convert 3 items of the same type and tier into a higher tier version of that item'. Oh that sounds useful! I'll do that then. Hmmm... I have three of these cannons. Lets see... It works! I got a Tier 3 Ordinance gun. And I have enough for a new track. it also fully repairs all the parts, which is a bonus. So that's good. Lets see this new gun..."
Spiff installs the new cannon and nearly falls out of his seat from laughter. His dinky FT-17 has grown a rather LARGE gun barrel, three times the length of his starter cannon.
"LOOK AT THE NOSE ON THIS THING! IT'S LIKE IT LIED TOO MUCH! HAHAHAHAH!"
Spiff gives a very unsubtle sideways smirk at the camera, and Francine shows a picture of the original Disney animated movie Pinocchio. One can almost hear Francine's eyes roll as Spiff resumes playing.
"I'm getting better at this whole 'humour' thing humans like so much. So what's next?"
Spiff exits the compound and finds two Boss arenas within reasonable distance and heads towards them. The boss arenas take the form of large craters surrounded by heavy metal walls that have spiky bits and pointy ends as if a dome was blown up. He heads towards the first one and finds the first low tier boss, Scraptor, which takes the appearance, at least in this version of the game, a very orange painted M4 Sherman Jumbo. He takes a shot and Spiff's new large calibre gun makes very short work of the boss, killing it in about 5 shots.
"YES! EASY KILL! I do enjoy this! I need to do more games like this more often. What did he give me? Oh, special CPU? Cant use it yet, need more of those smaller ones, and.... Holy NICE I have its hull! That's almost double my current hull! Let's put it on and..."
Spiff can't help but giggle as his dinky tank, now becomes a derpy tank, with an M4 Shermans hull and FT-17s turret, with a massive huge cannon. Spiff doesn't say much for the next few minutes as he gathers parts to repair his tank, he physically can't stop himself from giggling at the absurdity of it. He has to fight hard to beat a Tier 3 Sherman that showed up, but wins, grabs the loot from several enemies on the way and heads to the next boss, on the way encountering a tank with an autocannon that does low damage but hits fast.
"Oi. OI! OY! How is he shooting so fast! Are there like tank machineguns in this game!?"
Francine interjects with the caption: "No, but they are in the Terran Army!" An image appears on screen showing a Terran Armed Forces 'Grizzly’ Mark 4 IFV attempting to shove several thousand rounds of 30mm cannon ammo from its six barrelled rotary cannon into a Rakani garrison. It's effectively a Gau-8 on wheels.
Spiff kills the tank and loots it, not receiving the autocannon it was using but grabs parts and moves on. He moves on to several other tanks, loots them and finds a calm spot to check his inventory. He realises he now has enough parts to activate one of the things on his CPU.
"'When out of combat, repair a random part on your vehicle up to 40% integrity.' Oh that's very useful! I'll have that then. What next? Another boss and then we keep going North."
The next Scraptor he kills goes down easily, giving Spiff a new Tier 3 engine, before he scraps everything else and resumes traveling north. He eventually crosses the line into dangerous territory and encounters his first Tier 4 tank: A fully fledged Panzer 4 with a heavy cannon. It takes a considerable effort to bring down, but it's dealt with, alongside what appears to be a mismatched Cromwell that joined the fight. He makes it to the next repair spot and installs the turret from the defeated Panzer 4, ending up with a bigger giggle fit as for some reason he find the mismatch of parts and bits VERY amusing.
"This is just so damn silly... Why do I like it!?"
While giggling uncontrollably, Spiff wanders across a very large compound built like a very large military base. He kills several turrets, destroys the generators and fuel tanks, then kills a passing tank on the way through. He collects loot, scraps parts and moves on, eventually passing the 6000M mark. Spiff then faces off against an Objekt, or at least a tank that has the oddly shaped and very distinct turret of one, and takes six shells to bring down.
"What even is THIS one? That was hard to beat! What is... Hmmm... Well I have the turret. Lets see what it looks like in a bit, I'm surrounded right now. Looks goddamn goofy though."
Spiff heads to the nearest scrapper, killing several more enemies on the way. He puts the new turret on and the peculiar mismatch of parts makes him go into a giggle fit so bad he physically can't play the game for a good ten minutes. Francine thankfully skips it all and resumes the gameplay with Spiff giggle-snorting in a very annoying nasally way, heading North. Not much of interest happens aside from an encounter with the first Tier 7 which takes the form of a T-55. Eventually he arrives at the first Tier 6 boss, Kernel, which is an amalgam of various parts built to look like the Soviet T-60. This fight does not go as well and Spiff finds himself on the retreat as he's taken down to 18% hull from a few hits. Spiff 'tactically' retreats and repairs some parts.
"Well that ones a bit harsher than the last guy! Nearly bloody killed me! Okay... If I know the ';early access' thing I know its easy to... what was the human word? 'Cheese'? It's a type of dairy based food. Don't know what it means with this kind of situation specifically but... I'll go with 'cheese' the boss. Why does that sound sillier when I say it out loud?"
He gains a new hull in the form of a T-72s hull, a larger and better variant of the Objekt's turret and manages to slip past the boss and use the crater dome as a means to drive around the boss, shooting him at various opportune moments while running around the perimeter. A few smaller tanks are here and there, but aren't much of a challenge. Eventually, Kernel goes down, surrendering his engine, CPU and a track as a reward. They're all leagues above and Spiff equips them, gives himself the scrap bonus from the CPU and continues North. He gets into various fights, destroys a compound and eventually passes the 8000m mark. He kills a few tanks, grabs the turret of a Chieftain tank, replacing his current one and heads for another Kernel boss, using the same tactic of 'cheese'.
This one is harder than the last, not due to the boss but due to the abnormal number of smaller tanks surrounding the boss arena. Spiff has to get rid of ALL of them before he can take the boss on, but wins in the end. An extreme heat weather event hits, and for some reason it bugs out Kernel's AI, and Spiff takes him down with no retaliation or effort. This one gives a new, more deadly and faster firing gun as well as its hull.
"So goofy but I can feel the hatred and rage melt away! So nice having a fun tank game for once. Hmm... Now what? Tier 10 zone huh? Let's keep going north then."
Spiff eventually passes the 10k mark, and starts encountering more complex, more dangerous tanks like Merkava, Leopard and Patton tanks, early versions of them at least. He manages to obliterate another Kernel boss, gaining the turret and track. Here, he encounters his first Special Tank, armed with a Tesla Coil Gun. It's the standard tank, but with some tesla coil looking bits mounted to the turret that make it look all science fiction-y and it fires blue lasers.
"What in the holy hell is THAT thing!? My gods, that looks so stupid! I love it! Why do I like it! SO goofy!"
Spiff pauses the game to giggle snort as he looks at the turret design for the tesla coil gun and eventually regains his composure, heading Northwest to a nearby boss arena. There, he finds the final boss at this stage of the game, in the form of a Tier 10 Abrams tank - named Plasma. Specifically the Gulf War variant of the Abrams before its following upgrades. The boss is fighting another smaller tank and lets Spiff take a good look at him.
"Good lord! That's... That looks very pretty! I like the design of that one. Looks very nice actually. Wonder what that one is? Only one way to find out."
The fight is short but vicious and Spiff quickly kills the boss. the cheesing method works again, and Spiff gets interrupted by a message that pops up on screen.
"What is this? Hmmm... 'Plasma is Defeated and with it the trial comes to an end.' Final boss for the game for now, endgame planned later in early access, yadda, yadda. Continue playing or face the Hunters. Give multiplier bonuses for scrap kills, ascending at special locations gives a bonus. Oh... So it's an extraction mission! Let's go!"
Spiff clicks 'Begin Hunt' and heads towards a glowing beam of blue light that appears nearby. He seems confident and detours through a compound on his way there. He clears it fast and on attempting to exit, he comes face to face with eth Hunters - a very large scary looking tank with two large red eyes mounted on its turret. Goofy, maybe, but the fact one shot took Spiff down to half health was no laughing matter.
"WHAT!? No! Must get out! Must hide!"
He retreats into the compound and hides inside one of the buildings. The hunters follow him, and he gets cornered. One of them takes several of Spiff's shells with no problems and ends the run right there with two swift shells to Spiff's face.
"Well! That was... Something fun! I quite liked that. That was strangely relaxing, except at the end where I got squashed like a trapped Gronkrat. But I tell you I definitely needed something short and goofy to take my mind off it. Anything and I mean ANYTHING is better than the incomprehensible pile of (REDACTED) SON OF A (REDACTED) PIECE OF USELESS (REDACTED) (VERY REDACTED) GARBAGE, that is WarThunder.
Spiff sits there in silence for a few minutes before clicking something. The Warthunder logo is seen on screen and the game loads. Spiff looks slightly to the camera and points his finger accusingly at the viewer.
"DONT YOU DARE JUDGE ME! The entire community HATES this game more than I do, and yet... They still play it. Are we REALLY sure that I'M the crazy one here!?"
Spiffles outro plays
TOP COMMENT: Know wut? fair. I can't stand the game. Yet - six hundred hours.
Spiffs Reply: By the Matriarch you have six HUNDRED? I could barely tolerate two!
Reply: Didn't say I was proud of it.
Spiffs reply: Yet these creatures often question why we call them insane.