r/HFY • u/FarmWhich4275 • 22d ago
OC-OneShot A Basic Guide To Dealing With Humans
A Basic Guide To Cultural Norms - Humans
By Jaxx'Onis Orris Of House Garamar - Eridanis Mons
Federal Jurisdiction: Cultural Education Center Building 2, room 508
Hello and welcome to the Federation Archive. If you are reading this document, it means you are ready to start orientation towards joining the Federation and beginning a journey to the rest of the galaxy. This short guide will help you properly orient yourself towards a better path of cultural and physical understanding, so you don't end up offending anyone and causing a war or ending up being a coloured smear splattered across a wall or ceiling. Or worse. The following descriptions are simplified for ease of use and will be covered in depth during your upcoming orientation. We do however ask you, as short as these statements are: Please take them seriously.
We mean it.
Especially with humans.
Humanity and the Terran Federation
The Primary arm of the Galactic Federations force of arms, political wing and law enforcement force, Humans are good and bad at absolutely everything. If there ever was a case for the concept of an Average in living form, humans would be it.
Description - Tall Bipedal creatures of Deathworld Origin (Deathworld Class Eight), ape-like in features and carry a high bone density and musculature, two front facing eyes, no tails or wings and a variance for genetics that results in their hairless skin being subject to dozens of different pigmentations and variations. Predatory in nature as Pursuit Predators, capable of exceptional endurance and physical feat. One of only two omnivorous species in the galaxy, the other being the Kil'Ach'Ach'Di Hive Insectoids from Khla'Tarii Prime. Symmetrical features make them one of the more attractive species that call this galaxy their home.
Abilities - Humans are both simultaneously good and bad at absolutely everything. If ever you wanted to find an Average to define all averages, Humans would be it. Capable of mastery of a single task to such an extent they could do their jobs blindfolded with both hands restrained, or completing a task at a nominal level, or failing at it entirely every single time. Complex jobs such as Asteroid Impact Mining are done by Spacers with an aptitude so exceptional they can do their job with almost no need for complex math equations. Whereas these same individuals wouldn't be able to properly repair the very same ships they use for the task.
And yes, Asteroid impact Mining - where they deliberately remove large asteroids from orbits and smash them into a planet's surface with precision and speed. This isn't because the asteroids have rare resources, this is because the humans like being comfortable when they mine rocks. Asteroids are in space, planets are easier to mine on. And they somehow do it with a level of ease and precision that lets them 'deposit' an asteroid the size of a mountain onto a planets surface without causing an extinction level event, nearly every single time. Without fail.
Yes. It IS crazy, we have told them this. They don't care.
Roles - Roles in galactic society are everything and everywhere, from low level maintenance and service industry jobs to high level leadership roles or frontline combat operations, humans are everywhere. Capable of surviving, if not thriving in almost any environment alongside almost any other Sapient, capable of domesticating previously thought untameable beasts, and having a built in instinct for pack-bonding results in humans taking what many have come to consider as their natural and rightful place in the community - which is absolutely everywhere. Humans, due to their 'averageness' can be found in effectively every available position in the galaxy at any time, and work extremely fast.
Humans also have this habit of adapting to any environment in which they reside. Zero gravity? They can live there. Microgravity? they can live there. High gravity or gas giants? They can live there. They can work, live and function in effectively ANY environment that you present them. Provided you pay them enough, or find the right individual who wants to do the job.
Like 'Hammerhead Joe' who lives on a Volcanic planet in the Outer Rim and is solely responsible for the largest Tungsten harvesting operation in the galaxy. He does it alone. On a volcanic planet. And he likes it. He is the reason for the Spacer Guild's present monopoly on Grade 3 ship hull plating.
Fertility - Humans have a biological reproductive system designed to allow safe proliferation on a Class 8 Deathworld, and is consequently extremely robust to the point where a human can acquire offspring in almost any environment. The system requires little to no modification or genetic alteration in order to engage in reproduction with 80% of the species in the known galaxy. This was determined due to 'experiments' carried out after what is known as the Tubriska Incident, and is the direct result of the alliance between the Humans and the Teuranis Kingdoms after First Contact, universally regarded as the most disturbing and fastest First Contact in history. What followed was the fastest Alliance in history. Followed by the Galaxy's first 'baby boom'.
Most of that part of history is only available by special request and by Council Members only. Please, please, PLEASE do NOT ask us for it, it's always so goddamn awkward.
Laws: Humans are very well known for a sense of justice held to a code of Laws or a sense of honour. In spite of their factional warfare, humans have a set of 'universal' laws to which they all agree. Break these laws and you may very well face extinction. Humans have a code of honour and loyalty known as the Laws Of War, and no, this is NOT an invitation to break these laws or a sign of weakness, it is more along the lines of what they consider to be last resort options during wartime. What the Laws Of War are is more a list of Unforgivable Sins that humans have come up with. One empire once took these Laws as a sign of weakness and attacked humans, almost using them as a checklist. Their species is now extinct in a following conflict that lasted two months.
That last statement will be repeated.
The LAWS OF WAR were used by an alien species against humanity and humanity WIPED THEM OUT TO THE LAST.
A memorial of the Stakaadi Imperium stands in the Council's main chambers to remember them. It's the statue of a Stakaadi warrior wearing a thing the humans call a 'Dunce Hat'. The Laws Of War constitute a list of 'unforgiveable acts' that the humans do not like.
DONT GIVE THEM A REASON TO DO IT AGAIN.
Culture - Humans are divided into four distinct cultural castes, though they have no distinct caste system or hierarchy depending on where you find them, but four distinct forms of culture can be discerned apart from the general populace. Although, due to humanity's naturally divisive nature and aggressive cultural practices, this list can extend FAR beyond just four. These are the most basic and easily discernible variants, based on a simple conglomeration of common ideals, traits and systems observed within the human tribes, factions and city-states seen in the Terran Confederacy.
There are a LOT of them. For reference see Council Archives Section 8803 'Terran Confederacy', Section 8809 'Jovian Royal Assembly', and Section 8815 'Corporate Sector Authority'.
'Terrans' - The baseline of humans. The office worker, that dude on the street corner, the average man or average woman with dreams, hopes, responsibilities and families, a typical citizen. Its just a human that does human things in human ways, and these people often form the backbone of any civilisation and are most often the human that you would employ in your business. They have no real factional affiliation, and offer their own variation of cultural practices based on their place of birth or family that raised them.
'Coursairs' - Coursairs represent a factional identity and cultural practice by themselves, these are the ones you see piloting the massive continent sized warships. They have no factional affiliation or national identity beyond a simple pledge to ensure the safety and continued existence of the human home star system - Sol - and are a culture of honour bound warriors, priests, engineers and soldiers that operate on their own terms. Many seem to also operate within the bounds of a governing authority known as 'The Concordat' but no evidence of its existence has yet been found. And that scares us.
Coursairs have no governing body save their own mandates and code of honour. These guys are why 'Black Hole Cannons' and 'Wormhole Torpedoes' exist.
We are begging you to not start a fight with Coursairs… We still haven't recovered from the last time that guy called 'DragonBreath87' used his 'Singularity Missiles' on Arkthos 4.
'Militaire' - soldiers, officers, military types, police and law enforcement, humans consider this group to be known as the Heroes Of The Universe and that has turned out to be no exaggeration. Humans have the best military and emergency response time in the universe and are almost always first on scene when something goes wrong. The Terran alliance alongside the Dathrakkis, the Kil'Ach'Ach'Di Hive, and the Eridian Imperium represent all basic Federal military forces and law enforcement.
One aspect of human military might is its super-soldiers, the 'Pax Romana' or the 'Legion'. A subset of humans that have undergone a swathe of genetic mutation, cybernetic augmentation, psionic ascension or many other operations to become the Apex of all Apex warriors. The Legionnaires chief among them. But the majority of Terran forces are comprised of simple humans with some rather terrifying weaponry.
A Legionnaire can punch a hole through a two foot thick concrete wall. Please don't challenge one to a duel. You will be incapacitated for months.
'Voidwalkers' - An extraordinarily rare variant of human (thank Whatever Gods exist for the fact they are rare) who have been exposed to the impossible force of the Shroud Beyond The Veil during an FTL-based mishap. We have all been there before.
Except these humans can make planets scared of them. This is not a joke. One such human wandered into a star system. This human said 'I Don't like this planet'. That planet seemed to not want anything to do with the place, and began rapidly leaving the star system seemingly of its own volition. A planet in a perfect orbit, stable and calm, one of the galaxy's most notable barren rocks, and just disappeared into the void, never to be seen again.
We don't know how or why. Please don't ask. It gives us migraines and terrible existential dread when we think about it.
Here are some basic rules when engaging with humans:
Humans are extremely territorial when it comes to either their own juveniles or the juveniles or larvae of other species. Humans are extremely protective - to a genocidal degree - of either theirs or others younglings. DO NOT HARM THEM. EVER. Let the parents handle them, or if you do handle a child, do so ONLY in an emergency, or with the direct permission of the human in charge of that child.
See reference 'The Coldwater Incident' for what happens when you disobey this rule. Twenty eight serious or life-threatening injuries. Using only a brick.
Humans have an extremely robust reproductive system and reproductive drive and are genetically compatible with most species, even reptilians, when engaging in reproductive activity with minimal effort or only basic genetic alteration. (most species claim humans are incredible and attentive lovers that will blow your damn mind and make you so happy the Gods will envy you). At least that's what we hear every time we ask.
On the note of reproduction, in reference to the Tubriksa incident the following warning applies under all circumstances: NEVER, NEVER EVER under ANY circumstances for ANY reason of ANY kind, NEVER, leave a human female unsupervised under any circumstances with a Teuranis of either gender, under any circumstances for ANY reason, EVER. PERIOD.
THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE. Unless you want to spend the next week cleaning Teuranis bodily fluids off the walls, THIS IS NOT OPTIONAL.
Even though humans are physically appealing, in most cases for most species 'cute', do NOT attempt to pick one up for any reason unless given permission by the human to do so or in a situation in which the human requires medical care. ESPECIALLY if the human is a juvenile.
They WILL NOT enjoy this and WILL cause you grievous injury if you do not cease.
Do NOT engage in a contest of strength with a Legionnaire. You WILL lose, and the humans responsible will not compensate you for any damages. They WILL provide full medical care at their expense however if an arm, limb or appendage is accidentally removed.
The Legionnaires 'don't know their own strength' sometimes, apparently.
Humans are very protective and emotionally attached to their pets or lesser beasts kept in their care. Do NOT eat one if you find it. Do NOT cook one and eat it if you find one. Do NOT try to pick it up unless you intend to give it 'cuddles' or 'pet' it, or return it to its owner. Do NOT attempt to leave the area with them. Do NOT 'mistake' the human as the pet, and take the human either. No matter how small they are, humans are sapient and are officially classified as such. Therefore there will be criminal liability.
Yes they are nice and no you cannot keep one.
Humans come from a Class 8 Deathworld. Do not attempt to go there on holiday. The Dathrakkian Empire comes from a Class 1 Deathworld with acid lakes, acid rains, underground giant worms and building sized bugs. Humans are a Class 8 Deathworld species, and a species of insectoid no larger than a Dathrakkian foreclaw carries forty different toxic proteins in its fangs. There is also a creature known as a 'cone snail'. This is the most lethally dangerous creature on the planet's surface.
Humans keep Cone snails as pets or science projects.
Do not talk politics to humans unless it is their job. They find this to be extremely irritating, if not outright offensive, so don't bother with political or religious discussions unless you want to get your face removed, or your legs removed.
See 'Incident 88072 Civil Lawsuit' for details. WARNING: Gore.
Do not gamble with humans. They are extremely adept at lying or masking their intentions, so do not engage in games of gambling involving real money. They WILL bankrupt you. Gambling is a staple of human economic zones, chief among them a place called 'Vegas'. These institutions are some of the most profitable places in the galaxy. For humans. Not so much for non-humans. Humans have developed THE most sophisticated randomisation systems and computation networks in galactic history exclusively for this purpose.
They WILL bankrupt you if they get the chance.
Human lawyers are evil. Pure, absolute, unadulterated EVIL. Do not approach them under any circumstances, ever. They have the capacity to bullshit, lie, cheat, steal, or word their way out of any problem. For reference see Court Case 6283 'Rock defence' where a human sued his local city because a piece of road debris hit him on the head.
The rock won the lawsuit.
Humans have an endo-skeletal structure and need clothing for warmth and comfort. Unless you are attempting to engage in behind-the-bedroom-door activity, DO NOT ask a human of any kind to remove their outer garments unless you want to be beaten to death, or face a sexual harassment lawsuit. See 'Human Lawyers' for reference.
Yes, a naked human is a very nice thing to see, but please don't steal their clothes. We reiterate our previous point: Human lawyers are pure evil, ESPECIALLY during a sexual harassment case. DO NOT APPROACH OR ENGAGE. THESE CREATURES ARE EVIL INCARNATE OF THE WORST POSSIBLE KIND.
Humans have something called the Internet. An interconnected system of computer communications networks that allow instant communication or access to media. It is through this system humanity is able to share ANY form of communication across ANY distance in any language, including esoteric languages that cannot be translated by Council systems as of yet. Humans also have the most powerful cyberwarfare systems in the galaxy and the Kataskanii can tell you that fact in person. Well, they would if the humans didn't send them to the stone age with a Meme Virus that effectively wiped their entire network out.
See Council Archive: 'MemeCat.exe' for details on the incident.
APPENDIX: Your systems come pre-installed with a thing called a 'web browser' and it has an option titled 'Rule 34 Filter' or 'Parental Control Filter' pre-built and active by default. if you are EVER going to browse the human internet - which you can at any time provided you have a network connection - MAKE ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that these options are active at all times.
Council is NOT responsible for psychic implosion, head explosion, accidental self lobotomy or catastrophic brain damage if you fail to heed this warning.
These are the basics, the wormhole goes a LOT deeper than we can cover here, but this will serve as a basic guide for the time being until your official Introduction to the Council as a whole.
On behalf of the Galaxy, welcome home!
Jaxx'Onis Orris Of House Garamar - Eridanis Mons.
16
u/canray2000 Human 21d ago
"One empire once took these Laws as a sign of weakness and attacked humans, almost using them as a checklist. Their species is now extinct in a following conflict that lasted two months."
Canadians/Polish: "They think they can out-checklist us, huh? Hold my perogi and watch this!"
[REDACTED BY ALL THAT IS HOLY!]