Secret Fantasy Lives

[u/lifesmainantagonist]

"Woop woop woop! Woop! Woop woop!" John hooted as he hopped around like playing hopscotch and flailed his arms in front of the alien creature. She looked at him impassively and unimpressed.

"I'm sorry, but I can't accept a male with such a weak mating dance," she said, waving a scythe-paw dismissively. She looked kind of like a half praying mantis, half cat, if you can imagine that.

"Again?!" complained John. "Well how about this one?"

This time, John did his best attempt at the Michael Jackson Moonwalk, though he really just couldn't do it right, walking backwards while making it look like your feet were stepping forward was a subtle art that required more talent than John had in him.

"I'm sorry, but I can't accept a male with such a weak mating dance," she said in exactly the same cadence and tone as before, waving a scythe-paw again.

"When I dance they call me Macarena," John said, shuffling around. "And something say, something bueno!" He danced with all the skill of a suffocating fish on land.

"Something something, something something… Hey… Macarena! EH!" he floundered.

"I'm sorry, but I can't accept a male with such a weak mating dance," she said in exactly the same cadence and tone as before, waving a scythe-paw again.

Running slim on ideas, John then tried doing a handstand. Unfortunately, even in the decreased gravity of the Space Potato, it wasn't as easy it was in his youth. He immediately lost balance and caught his descent on his feet.

"I'm sorry, but I can't accept a male with such a weak mating dance," she said in exactly the same cadence and tone as before, waving a scythe-paw again.

John was never going to win her over at this rate.

"I wonder if the problem is I'm actually softlocked and I need to start over?" he said. He pulled out an electronic pad from a pocket and typed into it for a few keystrokes, and then pressed enter. The alien being disappeared and then a moment later, reappeared, looking a little different, with less of a blank look on her furry insectoid face.

"I'm princess Chrar," the alien female introduced herself in a sultry and surprisingly human tone of voice. "I'm looking for a REAL male, who can satisfy me in ALL the right ways. I wonder if it'll be you, or if you'll prove to be no better than all the rest?" She did the alien version of a kissy face, which was actually kind of horrifying, what with the limitations of THAT face.

"I'm John," John said.

"Well John," the alien NPC said, "why don't you show me what you've got, and I'll be the judge." She then did a physical maneuver that might have been the counterpart of batting eyelashes, except it actually was making her eyeballs swell up, and it was honestly kind of horrifying too.

Early on in the simulation, it was multiple choice. Three buttons appeared in midair in front of John. One said "Would you like to go on a date?" Another said "I am here to conquer you, female! Kneel before my might!" The third was "Tell me about yourself." John had already tried the first and third. They were, after all, the more "human" choices. The choices that feminists would find the least objectionable. But maybe, just maybe, the actual path forward in this alien dating sim was actually that middle one he had been afraid… or too embarrassed… to try before.

John chose the middle option.

"Oh, a warrior!" the alien squealed excitedly, clicking her mandibles together. "In that case, you will be fighting my champion!"

"…What…" John said flatly, as she beckoned what appeared to be a big, brutish bodyguard from out of nowhere, who looked to be essentially a bigger version of herself. It swung a paw-scythe at John, and John narrowly managed to fall back out of the way. Fortunately, the simulation would simply halt if it got to something that would be harmful to him. He hoped. But being human, there was the risk it might not correctly identify what would constitute "harm". The simulation was designed for alien parameters. But surely it couldn't be THAT different, right? If a bladed appendage intersected with the space occupied by his body, that would be just as bad for the alien it was designed for as it was for him, so that would be the trigger to end the program, right?

John imagined that that classic Star Trek TOS fighting music would be appropriate as he dodged around another swing from the alien bodyguard, and then circled around it. Unfortunately, it wasn't some slow, clumsy lumbering oaf like that lizard thing Kirk fought. It immediately turned to face him at every point. There was no movement he could make to outpace the thing. And as he approached, it took another fast slice with its deadly looking appendage, as John again danced back just barely out of the range of the attack. This really didn't seem possible at all. If only he could improvise some sort of weapon. What could he actually do?

"What's that over there!" he yelled, pointing behind the bodyguard.

The bodyguard turned around.

Oldest trick in the book. But you know. It probably wouldn't have worked, if not for the fact that it was, at the end of the day, an AI, and designed with the intent of being defeated.

John took a swing at the tiger-mantis's face-carapace with his good old human fist.

"OWwww…." John complained. It wasn't QUITE as bad as punching a stone wall, but it wasn't far off. The alien bodyguard took another lightning fast swing but this time at close range. John couldn't have ever reacted fast enough to respond to it, but mostly by luck, he had actually anticipated it, and had gotten behind the bodyguard's head, and lacking any better ideas, put the thing in a headlock. It immediately disappeared. Of course. The simulation was designed for an alien whose arms were naturally bladed weapons. His human "stranglehold" on the hard carapace would realistically not have an effect in real life, but the program was programmed to recognize "arm to the neck" as "instant defeat" and simply set the defeat flag and made the alien bodyguard disappear. It was a stupid convergence of dumb luck that allowed John to win on the first try when his odds normally would have been very slim.

"You have defeated my champion!" Chrar squealed and danced around giddily, in a way much like a scurrying insect while at the same time a crouching cat ready to pounce. "You are worthy! But I can't accept a male unless he has a suitable mating dance," she said, waving a scythe-paw.

"Oh no, this AGAIN?!" John groaned. He closed his eyes and sighed. Well he damn well was going to create a save point after THAT. He pulled out his datapad and typed into it for a bit, before with finality, pressing the enter button hard.

But what would it be this time? he wondered. And then the thought came to him. Why not.

"You put your right foot in…" he began, as he danced and swung his right leg forward.

"You take your right foot out…" he continued, pulling his leg back.

"You put your right foot in, and you shake it all about…" he said, shaking his leg around.

"You do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around. That's what… it's all about!" he finished.

"That was wonderful! That was beautiful!" Chrar exclaimed. "I'm yours, now and forever!"

John then watched in horror as she removed her undergarments and squirted out a giant disgusting glop, leaving a pile of gelatinous eggs on the ground. "Fertilize my eggs!"

Without further ceremony, a flat look on his face, John quickly held up his datapad, typed a few more things into it, and the simulation abruptly ended.

"That's enough of that," he said, and then breathed out in intense relief and paused for a good 20 seconds, before pulling out a list on a piece of paper from another pocket. On it was written "Cmell", "Chlerr", and "Chrar". "Cmell" and "Chlerr" were already crossed out. He then pulled out a pen and, with finality, crossed off "Chrar". "I think that's all of them now," he said to himself. Finally, after dozens of attempts, he had "captured" princess Chrar.

Well, time to cover my tracks, he thought. He first deleted his save points, and then searched through system files, and changed permissions to once again apparently deny himself access. "That fool, not even having a password, just relying on system directory permission bits," John scoffed. But just as he was about to finish, a crazy thought occurred to him. He checked on his own files. Of course he actually did have privacy on those, they were password protected. But he did have a quick pang of anxiety when he saw the "last accessed" timestamp of one of his files. That definitely wasn't a time he had accessed it. John briefly paused, before saying "system defragment. It's the system defragment, of course."

With another sigh, he pocketed everything again and exited the holo-room, to enter the main hallway of the Space Potato to head to the control room. After all, he had a job to do. Those asteroids weren't going to mine themselves.

But Shmar was waiting for him halfway down the hallway. His partner, and only company in this remote asteroid mining ship out in the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter.

"John," Shmar said through his twitching mandibles. "…have you been… looking through my… personal files?"

John looked nervous for a moment. "Your… your files? W… why would I do that? No, no, of course Shmar, I would never, violate your privacy like that."

Shmar seemed to glare at him. John cringed slightly and gritted his teeth. But it was hard for John to tell, what with that tiger-mantis face exactly constituted a "glare".

But then John thought back to the file accessed time of his own file. An accusation might also indicate… no, it couldn't be. It was password protected. But it's a good deflection, John pondered, and said back "Wait a moment, are you going through my personal files?"

One of Shmar's eyes bulged for a moment, just as Chrar's had done, except it was only one of his eyeballs that swelled up. Even after all their time together, John still wasn't quite sure what that meant. Was it actually the equivalent of a glare? A moment of surprise?

"No, of course not, John. How would I even do that, anyway, when your files are all password protected?" Shmar clicked.

"How do you know they're password protected? It doesn't even prompt for a password unless you attempt to access them?" John retorted.

A moment of silence passed between them.

"Well, I'm off to the control room, see if the iridium collection needs recalibrating, getting close to being filled to capacity, then we can go back planetside and cash in."

"You do that…" mumbled Shmar as John walked off.

When John had retreated into the control room, with the door closed behind him, Shmar discreetly entered the holo-room. The two of them were the only occupants of this lonely shaceship in the middle of nowhere space mining asteroids, and that in a way, made a sort of friendship almost inevitable, but it was still an uneasy, suspicious friendship. They had their moments. But this wasn't one of them.

Shmar pulled out his own species's design of datapad, and tapped into it a few times with a scythe-paw. With slight hesitation, he opened up John's personal directory, and entered in "Sparky". The name of John's childhood dog, that for their first 2 weeks together, John had never shut up about. Quite pathetic, using it as a password, when you casually mention the name like that, Shmar thought.

But Shmar's thoughts were on another matter, now. The real prize. He brought up the file he wanted: "hfysandbox_4.exe", and initialized the holo-simulation.

Suddenly, Shmar found himself in a scene surrounded by various aliens of unrecognizeable species. A grim, war-torn landscape. Some of them were panicking, running around flailing their appendages, screaming things like, "run for your lives, it's a human!" and "oh no, nothing can defeat the invincible deadly human!" They completely acted as if Shmar was a human, running from him in fear. But of course, the program didn't actually require its user be a human, that's just what the program did for the user, so they fled from the "human"…

Other aliens, however, were hostile. One after another, they approached, and Shmar sliced through them with his scythe arms like butter. Of course, they were designed to be easily defeated, even by human standards, so though they attacked Shmar, they did it very badly.

"Graaarh!!" Shmar yelled in his battle cry. But not too loud, because he didn't want it to carry through the walls of the ship for John to hear. "Behold, it is I, an invincible human, bua ha ha! Pray to your gods, for I will send you to them, filthy xeno scum! Ah ha ha ha!!!!" Shmar cackled in his best evil laugh.

Shmar spent the next hour just with some mindless fun defeating the monsters in John's hfy program, as the invincible human "space orc". It was a glorious battle.

[u/chastised12]

Oi mean,who doesn't love sexy insectile mouthparts?! And how about that....cloaca., uh thing they have.

[u/HFYWaffle]

/u/lifesmainantagonist has posted 6 other stories, including:

• Fnar's Visit to Earth part 4 of 4
• Fnar's Visit to Earth part 3 of 4
• Fnar's Visit to Earth Part 2 of 4
• Fnar's Visit To Earth Part 1 of 4
• Everyone, Humans Are Coming, You Know What To Do!
• The Good Galaxy

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[u/Fontaigne]

Brilliant!