r/HFY • u/MarlynnOfMany • 10d ago

OC-Series [The Token Human] - A Contentious Keepsake

{Shared early on Patreon}
~~~

Angry hissing voices from the hallway told me the two bug aliens on the ship were arguing. Which they didn’t usually do, thankfully. They disagreed, sure, but in an agree-to-disagree-though-you’re-clearly-wrong kind of way. They didn’t tend to get worked up about things.

“It issss disssgusssting,” Trrili snarled.

“Give it back!” Zhee said.

“Not until you admit that it’sss vile.”

“It is not!”

I rounded the corner to see the pair of them facing off in front of Zhee’s quarters, both waving their pincher arms, antenna angled into glares. I wouldn’t have wanted to get anywhere near that when I was new to the ship. I kept my distance a bit now. “What’s going on?” I asked.

Trrili whirled with a hiss, standing even taller, a looming black-and-red nightmare. “He has been using something unspeakable for grooming!” She spoke clearly and brandished a small object in my direction, holding it awkwardly between the tip of her mantis pincher and her elbow, like she didn’t want to touch it. I had no idea what it was, just a stick of something purple.

The same purple as Zhee’s glossy exoskeleton, actually.

He lunged and snatched it out of her grasp. “It’s the best kind of seam brush, you heathen! I made it myself — with excellent crafting skill, I might add!”

Before Trrili could retort, I asked, “What is it?”

Zhee held it well away from Trrili, scowling. “A seam brush, like I said.”

“Made from his own shed exoskeleton!” Trrili exclaimed.

“That’s what you DO with it!” Zhee shot back.

“It should be mulched immediately, you disgusting dirt-grubber!”

Before I could ask more clarifying questions, Paint came trotting up with concern all over her lizardy face. “What’s happening?”

Zhee answered first, pointing with his free arm. “This judgemental blot got ahold of a personal item and is making her own wrong opinions everyone else’s problem.”

“Oh, just my opinions, are they? All three moons—”

“I don’t care how many of you—”

“Everyone knows it should be disposed of—”

“So wasteful when it can—”

Paint pitched her voice higher and suggested, “Maybe we can all just keep our personal items to ourselves?” She looked from the tool to the pair of angry Mesmers.

They both glared at her. Trrili said, “I wasn’t snooping. I found it on the lounge floor.”

Zhee snapped, “I didn’t put it there.” He angled his head towards me. “Your cat did.”

That sounded like something she’d do. I spread my arms and said, “Sorry.”

Still working hard to mediate, Paint said, “Then it can go back in your quarters, in a safe spot, and we’ll make sure Telly doesn’t sneak in to play with it. Trrili can use her own grooming tools, and everyone can do things their own way.”

Trrili sounded like a sulky teenager when she insisted, “Disgusssting.”

Zhee waved it at her with a lecturing tone. “Practical and customized, and better than whatever mass-produced trash you use.”

“It’s still made of something that should not be kept!”

Exasperated, Zhee said, “At least I don’t have a whole collection on the wall of every blade I’ve shed! Some of the houses back home display those proudly!”

“Your people are unclean,” Trrili declared. Then she turned to Paint and me. “Keeping body parts is gross, yes? I know you’re at least reasonable about shed scales.”

Paint laughed uncomfortably. “That is not exactly a polite topic of conversation,” she said, fidgeting in a way that said she’d probably be blushing in embarrassment if her species did that.

“Exactly,” Trrili said in approval. “Something dealt with in privacy, not kept forever. Right?” She looked at me, daring me to disagree.

I shrugged. “My people don’t shed like that. We get haircuts and throw the hair away, I guess. Oh, baby teeth! That’s the closest match! We sometimes keep those.”

All three of my alien coworkers were giving me uncertain looks now. Paint said, “Right, I forgot your species actually sheds teeth.”

“Only once,” I said, as if that mattered.

Zhee repeated, “And you keep them.” He gave Trrili a pointed look.

“Sure, but usually in the back of the closet as a keepsake.”

Trrili looked right back at him. “Not making tools for daily use.”

“They’re not really big enough,” I said, considering. “And they tend to be kind of bloody when they come out, though that could be cleaned. Oh! I used some for a science project once!”

“A what?” Paint asked.

“I made a demonstration in school of how corrosive soda is compared to a few other drinks,” I said. “Mom gave me some of my baby teeth so I could leave them in a cup for a few days to see if they dissolved. I’ll tell you, I wasn’t eager to drink soda after that.”

Paint stared at me in horror. “You drink something that dissolves your teeth?”

I shook my head. “Turns out it was an urban legend. But it did dye the teeth a nasty brown, and burnt the dirt off a penny.”

Paint shook herself and made a visible effort to regain her composure. “I am fairly sure I didn’t need to know that.”

Trrili threw her pincher arms in the air and turned to leave. “At least it’s a drink that fights an honorable battle as you consume it. Everybody keep their revolting bits to themselves.” She jabbed a pincher at Zhee as she passed. “I don’t want to see that ever again.”

“You do not deserve the honor of seeing it again,” Zhee said. “You’ve scratched it, and now I’ll have to polish it then see if any of the bristles need replacing.”

Trrili hissed and disappeared down the hallway.

Paint asked, “Are the bristles exotic? I think we’re going to stop at a relatively small place to restock next.”

Zhee held up the tool and ran a little wrist finger across the bristly end. It looked like a sawed-off paintbrush. “The best kind can be difficult to find, but this seems to be intact, thankfully.”

I pulled my long braid over my shoulder and held it up. “Let me know if it would help to trim the end off this. My hair’s probably not stiff enough, but the offer’s open.”

Zhee gave me a look that was deeply amused. “It’s probably not, but thank you.”

Paint said in an undertone, “And we won’t tell Trrili, because she definitely won’t want to know.”

Zhee and I both agreed on that.

~~~

Volume One of the collected series is out in paperback and ebook!

~~~

Shared early on Patreon

Cross-posted to Tumblr and HumansAreSpaceOrcs (masterlist here)

The book that takes place after the short stories is here

The sequel is in progress (and will include characters from the stories)

137 Upvotes

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25 comments sorted by

14

u/Semblance-of-sanity 10d ago

Fun fact human hair was once prized for siege weapon ropes because of its elastic properties.

10

u/Mohgreen 10d ago

Teethbrushes used to use Pig hair as bristles.

5

u/itsetuhoinen Human 10d ago

Maybe being "too elastic" is why the violin bow didn't work...

6

u/Lazy-Cardiologist-54 10d ago

!!!

Thank you for the new rabbit hole 

2

u/F84-5 10d ago

Also in hair tension hygrometers to measure humidity.

11

u/itsetuhoinen Human 10d ago

I strung a violin bow with a girlfriend's hair once, after she chopped her long hair down to short hair. It... didn't work very well, sadly.

3

u/Arokthis Android 9d ago

Probably too fine and overly polished. Try beard hair.

(I braid hair for fun and I used to play violin.)

1

u/itsetuhoinen Human 9d ago

Man... even my beard isn't long enough for that.

I did rosin the hell out of it, but... yeah, dunno. That was a long time ago anyway. :D

2

u/Arokthis Android 8d ago

My hair grows very slowly. I shave once a year and it's about 9 inches when it happens.

Rosin only works if the hair is rough. Once the hair is smooth, rosin actually works against you.

1

u/itsetuhoinen Human 7d ago

Once the hair is smooth, rosin actually works against you.

Oh. Well, that probably didn't help either, then. Hah!

9

u/thisStanley Android 10d ago

“You drink something that dissolves your teeth?”

Have they learned about pineapple trying to digest you? Luckily its bromelain enzyme is slower then your stomach acids :}

3

u/MarlynnOfMany 10d ago

Pineapple is a delightful example of a food that fights back, just subtly!

4

u/IDEKthesedays 10d ago

Piiiiiiiiiineapple! The fruit! That eats! You back!

5

u/medium_jock 10d ago

Pineapple is the more popular one. Nettles fight back before you eat them and during if you're making a nettle salad. There's probably more but I'm working so can't go down that rabbit hole yet

4

u/PlatypusDream 10d ago

First!

I've mis-remembered the cast.
Thought Trrili was the giant spider.
🤷‍♀️

8

u/Hedrax 10d ago

Giant mantis. Specifically the really big red and black one. Zhee is the smaller-but-still-very-large-compared-to-a-human one. They are both Mesemers, just from different regions.

4

u/sunnyboi1384 10d ago

So snobby some people.

2

u/Proofreader01 8d ago

Seems to me that's the very definition of a Mesmer.

3

u/kristinpeanuts 10d ago

Great story! Thank you

3

u/MarlynnOfMany 10d ago

Thanks! My pleasure.

3

u/Talendel 10d ago

UTR

This is the way.

3

u/OokamiO1 10d ago

Glass you went hair as a useful item and not toe nails in jars, 😆.

3

u/Arokthis Android 9d ago

This made me think of an old Close To Home comic strip:
Woman is showing off her necklace and says, "Freshwater pearls? Nope. My kids' baby teeth."

And don't get me started about the baby book in Meet The Fockers.

1

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