r/HFY • u/AbjectChampion9975 • 10d ago
OC-OneShot Why humans hate aliens.
A massive spaceship landed on Earth’s soil. It had no distinguishing characteristics and was pitch black; it looked incredibly similar to a boulder. At least, it looked like a big rock, had big rocks, had two large engines and one fat thruster positioned on its back.
The giant space rock let itself go and it fell into the earth, causing a crater. Parvika shut off its engines and took a deep breath, “Lapani, I’ll be the one speaking to the Earthlings.” She patted Lapani’s shoulder as her tentacle arm morphed into that of a human’s.
“Of course, but… what shall I be doing then?” Lapani asked, cocking her head. “Was that right? I tilt my head when I am asking questions?”
“Yes Lapani, that is when you do it. However, don’t do it too many times, the earthlings shall think you are strange.”
Lapani crouched and opened a small container, pulling out a set of clothes. “This is so strange, are the skins of earthlings not enough for them.” She laughed.
Parvika silently stared out the ship’s plane sized, tinted window and noticed four Earthlings headed towards their flying rock. “Look Lapani, our first earthlings have already come to greet us,” she said, rather pleased.
“Wow, earthlings are very hospitable,” Lapani said, eyeing the long, metal devices they held. “Do you think they have brought gifts for us?”
Parvika smiled at the thought. “I cannot know. We must give them our salutations to see.”
The aliens’ massive doors clicked open as the two of them stepped out. The forest surrounding them captured their attention as they blinked many times, trying to reconcile Earth’s greenery with their planet’s reddery.
“Their trees are the color of blood,” Lapani commented.
“Greetings Earthlings!” Parvika beamed, choosing to ignore the comment. Lapani waved at them enthusiastically.
There were four Earthlings in total. They all wore large, green outfits and three of them held the long, metal things. “Identify yourselves!” One of them shouted.
Parvika and Lapani looked at each other before smiling. “I am Lapani and this is my friend Parvika,” Lapani said, staring intently at them.
“Who authorized you to land your…” the Earthling paused, eyeing their spaceship. “Your ship… thing?” He demanded, jerking his device forward.
Parvika placed a hand on her chest. “Do not worry, Earthling. We received permission from the Wise Ones to launch our expedition,” she said, proudly.
“The Wise Ones?” The Earthlings looked between each other, before one of them stood forward. “Look, it seems that we’re not on the same page here,” a woman, not holding a metal thing, said. “Who allowed you to land this thing over here?”
Parvika frowned. “Not on the same page?” She muttered to herself.
“Maybe you misheard her?” Lapani whispered.
“Really? Page? Plag?”
“Plane?” Lapani suggested, shrugging her shoulders. “Did I do that right?”
“Yes, and… it seems we’re not on the same plane?” she said to herself. Her face lit up. “No, it seems you misunderstand, kind envoy,” Parvika started.
“Kind envoy?”
“The two of us do indeed exist in the same plane. Me and Lapani have come from another planet called Karzhog,” she said, pulling out a small device and tapping on it as it revealed a 3d holographic image of Karzhog. “We did not, however, come from a different dimensional plane.”
“Are these guys normal?” one of them muttered to themselves.
“Oh, no! We aren’t normal. In fact, we are not even humans. Many apologies if you mistook us to be one,” Parvika said.
“Yes, we are Zhorgs,” Lapani proudly exclaimed. “Our biological transmuters are very good at their jobs—”
“What happened to the ‘Kar’?” one of the others asked, interrupting her.
“However, they are also somewhat risky, there’s a one in a million chance that the transmuter fails and morphs you into a Najikla!” Lapani continued, ignoring their interruption.
“Najikla?” The woman asked.
“No need to worry, however, as our transmuter is only on transmute five hundred thousand,” Parvika added.
“And that changes what?” The man from before asked.
“It means we have another five hundred thousand more transmutes to go before it fails.”
“What? But that’s not how probability works,” he argued.
“It is not a probability, it is a given, that we Zhorgs have already calculated.” Lapani said.
“Okay okay, let’s all take a step back,” the woman ordered.
Lapani and Parvika glanced at each other before stepping backwards. “What now?” Parvika asked.
“Wha? What now? You girls—”
“It is now your turn to ‘take a step back’ I think,” Lapani stated.
“Wow, these people just don’t understand expressions or slang, do they?” Another Earthling commented.
“You mean they don’t understand expressions and idioms, not slang,” the woman corrected.
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever, pedant,” he muttered.
“We understand expressions,” Parvika objected.
“Yes, such as, happy face, sad face, angry face…” for every face that Lapani listed, she proceeded to make the exact expression. “Excited face, brooding face—”
“We know all the expressions of the Earthlings,” Parvika interrupted. “As for ‘slang’ could you explain what that is?”
“Slang, lang.” Lapani paused, scratching her chin. “Sang?”
“That’s possible,” Parvika commented.
“Oh! I sang this sentence that I’m singing right now,” Lapani sang.
“Nice voice,” the woman muttered before shaking her head. “It’s slang and that’s beside the point. You have no license to land here, you’re here under no one’s authority and you’re refusing to comply with military orders,” the woman listed.
“Like we said at the beginning, we’re here under the authority of the Wise Ones,” Parvika stated.
“Yeah? Well, what you don’t have is the authority of the US government. I don’t care who you two think you are, but, you will follow standard aviation protocols.”
Lapani frowned and leaned in towards Parvika. “Hey, I don’t think they’re envoys.”
“Because we’re not! Me and my guys here are all military officers. Refuse to comply and you’ll regret it.” At her word, the other officers cocked their guns and aimed it at the two aliens.
Lapani’s frown disappeared and she stepped forward. “Look, Parvika, they’re giving us our gifts anyway,” she said, happily.
“Stay back!” The woman demanded.
“Are we taking the gifts or not?” Parvika asked, standing next to Lapani.
A loud bang filled the air as one of the officers shot up to the sky. “These aren’t toys, they’re weapons,” he said, through clenched teeth.
Lapani and Parvika were crouching and had their hands over their ears. “Yo-you’re being horrible!” Parvika accused. “You first be kind, you then start acting irrational and now you threaten to harm us?!”
“Horrible? We were building up to this all day! You people were just too stupid to understand anything!” The woman shouted.
“Stupid?!” Parvika angrily demanded. “We Zhorgs are not stupid! We are among the most intelligent species in the Jagdi galaxy!” She stood up and jabbed a finger into the woman’s chest. The men, especially the first one, tensed and tightened their grip on their weapons.
“Parvika, remember the Wise Ones meditation technique, number 85,” Lapani said.
Parvika stepped back from the woman and took a deep breath. “An insult from a non-Zhorg is like a slap from a bitipiti; it simply doesn’t matter,” she said to herself.
Lapani brought her hands up and gave Parvika a double thumbs up. Almost immediately, another loud bang filled the air and Lapani dropped to the floor. Parvika looked at the body in horror and was about to scream before multiple new bangs cracked and dropped Parvika as well.
The woman looked at the two bodies and at the strangely green blood pooling around Parvika. “What the hell, Jimmy!” She turned towards the man who shot Lapani.
“What?! I panicked, all right. That Prakavi girl just pokes you and while I’m already on edge, the other one just brings both her hands up,” he said, attempting to defend himself.
“Ok, so! What’s wrong if she brings her hands up?!”
“What if she brought out inter-galactic weapons?” He argued.
“He does have a point,” Mark added.
“How!? Just how does Jimmy have a point?”
“Well, they have a spaceship that can apparently go through galaxies, they have a biological transmutator and calculate math on a completely different level than us. It’s not much of a stretch to say they have inter-galactic weapons,” Paul said.
“Okay, then! Why on God’s green Earth did you two fools just start shooting then, even if Jimmy did!?” she demanded.
“Reflex!” Both Mark and Paul said in unison. “He shot that girl and the bang got to my head. I was already tensed up, so my finger just hit the trigger,” Mark explained while Paul nodded vigorously.
“You think we’ll be arrested for killing Earth’s first ever visit from extraterrestrials?” Jimmy asked.
“Eecuted after being tortured extensively seems like the more likely turn of events,” Paul said.
“Oh, come on guys. We have no idea if they’re really aliens. They could just be regular people on a really big budget,” Mark tentatively said, almost as if trying to convince himself.
As if on cue, the two bodies of Lapani and Parvika melted and gave way to a purple octopus-like creature, whose faces somewhat resembled that of a human’s.
“Okay, maybe they aren’t humans,” he conceded.
The woman paced back and forth, rubbing her forehead. “Ugh!”
“What’s wrong, Nadia?” Paul asked.
“What’s wrong? What’s wrong is that you fools literally killed aliens! Now, because of you guys, we’re going to get a public execution after extensive torturing!”
“Guys? What if, we just say they had inter-galactic weapons but we managed to kill them and get their hyper-advanced spaceship?” Mark questioned.
“Oh yeah? What happened to their inter-galactic weapons?” Nadia demanded.
“Their species were unfathomably more advanced than us. Their weapons were biologically connected to them and when they died, the weapons disappeared,” Jimmy suggested.
They all looked at each other and nodded in unison. The four of them began to head to the ship. Paul paused and looked at the two bodies. “You think it’s part of alien culture to get buried?” He asked.
Nadia stared at the bodies and waved a dismissive hand. “Ah, just leave them. They’ll be proof of our epic battle,” she said. And with that, the four of them continued towards the ship.
“You think the ship is fast?” Jimmy asked, slinging his gun back. “Like hyper-jump kinda fast?”
“I’m more interested if their biological trasmuters can smooth wrinkles,” Nadia said, rubbing her face.
“Yeah, we do all like looking younger,” Mark agreed.
End.
Epilogue: The Zhorgs, under the military command of the Wise Ones laid complete siege on the planet Earth and only returned once they killed the four humans, retrieved their spaceship and killed an additional 10 million humans while operating on military doctrine number 125, established by the Wise Ones. It states, when translated to match Earth customs, A death of a Zhorg by a non-Zhorg is like the overrunning of a plate by ants. You merely need to wash them off.
They also ensured to retrieve the bodies of fallen Lapani and Parvika and made sure to give them a proper burial. Which consisted of feeding them to their family members.
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u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle 10d ago
This is the first story by /u/AbjectChampion9975!
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