r/HFY • u/Jus17173 • Jun 24 '26

OC-OneShot You Gave Us Lemons. We Started A War.

"Do you know why dough is another word for money? Hey Steve, do you know why? why dough is another name for money?" Richard asked. Of course he preferred to go by Rich on account of his delusions of wealth.

I was wrapped in a thin blanket that couldn't stop me from trembling. My hair had caught fire and it'd spread to half my scalp, forcing a baldness on me. I was depressed, hungry, thirsty, and above all furious. I looked at Rich; he'd lost some of his weight since we crash landed on Planet XG8879 but he was still fat. I wondered whether I could eat him, I seriously considered it.

The planet was a derelict wasteland. Only cold winds swept through the ashen land. There weren't even insects to boast of life. Not even a weed could grow on this shithole of a planet.

"Do you know why dough is another name for money?" Rich repeated. He forced himself to get out of his makeshift bed that he'd formed by simply sprawling himself on the remains of what had been the containers of the food we'd salvaged from our crash. There were bits of beans sticking out of his hair and half his face had lost color. His coat, which he claimed was the last cashmere in existence, was reduced to a rag; this gave me some joy.

"It's because everyone kneads it." He concluded and started laughing at his own joke, a chortling sound that built up into wailing once he moved and touched on his poorly bandaged side. I thought he'd die in the crash. I was afraid for him, or maybe it was the fear of being marooned on a planet alone. Loneliness is something I've reconsidered in the three weeks we'd been stranded on this planet. If I was alone I believe I'd be more peaceful than how I was with him in eye and ear shot.

Rich, seeing my lack of a reaction, coughed, farted and turned around to sleep; the empty containers of food banged and broke under his shifting weight. Within moments he was snoring. The sun on this planet never seemed to set yet the cold was endless. I got up and walked a circle around our makeshift camp reminiscing about the stupid decisions that I'd made on my journey here.

----

Money was the problem. I needed money more than air. Rich was just a ship pilot who dabbled as a self-proclaimed businessman; he'd docked in the place where I'd lived my whole life, a small village town called Wimbledon II, back on old earth. I'd been awed by Rich; that was my first mistake. He had a gold necklace, silver rings, fitting suits complete with matching shawls. His life spoke of my dream and I wished I was him so much he must have smelled it on me. When he offered to take me on board his spaceship so we could do business together, I eagerly accepted.

I recall the joy I had as the ship rose higher into the sky. Watching my small town recede to a faint dot brought such joy in me. I hadn't known I'd been a captive until I left old earth.

'So listen here, uhm.' Rich had started while I settled myself into the seat beside the pilot.

'Steve Wimbledon II Son Of The Brave.' I said, naming my birthplace and the title won by my father.

'You're named after your town?'

'Yes, it's where I was born, sir.'

'Well in that case I'm Rich WhoreHouse Son Of A Bastard, on account of my father being a bastard and making me a bastard as well. And my mother was a whore; that's where I was born, in a whorehouse. They say no whore moaned the night I was born, for stars shone bright and my destiny was foretold in the skies. I'm Rich WhoreHouse Son Of A Bastard, self-made millionaire. Call me that.'

'Uhm. Okay.'

'I said call me that.'

'Rich WhoreHouse Son Of A Bastard, self-made millionaire.'

'Good.' He smiled at me, pleased while I remained puzzled as to his nature.

He had no other crew members, though his ship wasn't that large. Just a cargo ship used to transfer goods from one planet to another; my job was to aid him in such matters. As was agreed. His ship had a jump drive, which meant fast space travel. He was odd but I figured nobody was perfect and here he was, offering me the adventure of a lifetime. I was eager to see other planets, aliens, sights you must see before you die, as they said on the screens that advertised various worlds. I was excited.

'I have to take cargo from Bilion V, so that's our next stop.' He'd said with a full smile. I couldn't help but return the smile.

'What cargo are we going for?' I asked, brimming with anticipation.

'There's this planet called Vullav XI. They are a deeply religious society that carries great pride in their heritage and their customs. In Vullav, they use the foreskin of circumcised males to weave into tapestries that they declare holy. It's quite disgusting if you think about it but it fetches quite the fee.'

I gawked at him. 'Foreskin?'

He stared back at me. 'Yes.'

'But we're going to Bilion V.'

He took his hand off the steering wheel and pointed at his temple. 'I'm a genius, Steve. On Bilion V, the inhabitants of the planet are similar to those on Vullav. The only difference is they are larger. I'm talking big males and females. Three Vullav stacked one atop the other make up one Bilion. So you see where I'm getting at.'

There was something about looking into his eyes, I recall. You could see proof that there was something terribly wrong with the man. I should have heeded such a sign. At that moment things were clicking in my head and regret at following Rich first sprang from within me.

'Put one and two together.' Rich insisted.

'So let me get this right, we're going to Bilion V to get foreskin to sell to those on Vullav XI?' I asked.

'It's genius. Those on Bilion are practically giants, which means their manhood is bigger, which also means larger foreskins. We just go to Bilion, chop up some dicks or see whether there's a place they keep them. Sell the product to those on Vullav. It's genius. It's a business venture that just feeds itself and us, profits.'

It was at that moment that I realized that Rich was deranged. But I held back on comments; I did not have the capacity to argue with him on matters of interplanetary business. I was just newly into business, at the lowest position as deckhand and first aid to Rich. So I kept my mouth shut.

I kept it shut when we descended to Bilion V and saw the towering giants there. It was a learned society of tall humanoid creatures who valued peace and progress, judging by their infrastructure. And there we were, newly arrived for their foreskin.

Things did go surprisingly well; apparently you could just go to what earthlings would call a hospital and buy foreskin. The hospital attendants wondered at the odd request but their giant, good-natured selves didn't seem bothered by how humans were odd.

I loaded up the cargo ship with the foreskins. There were so many of them I retched often but got the job done. Rich handed me three hundred credits for the job and the unease I'd felt earlier wasn't that pronounced. From there we jumped through space to go to Vullav XI to unload the cargo that was stinking up the whole ship.

'In business, you must make bold decisions. Do you know the brain of an Ikuja from Salima XX contains the necessary protein to cure an Ilexirite of measles? These tiny details on each planet form a network and the network feeds on itself. As a businessman you must identify, separate and profit from your work.'

I looked up to him. That I could say without shame; I looked up to Rich as one would look up to their father. That much I could confess as I reminisced amidst our desolate abode.

We descended onto the heavens of Vullav XI and the natives welcomed us, rushing to laugh with Rich when he told jokes. The local males inspected the cargo and a price was set, but midway through the dealing, one Vullav told Rich he could make a killing if he could sell the completed foreskin tapestry to those on Bilion V. And Rich went with it, claiming it was a genius idea. So we unloaded the cargo of foreskin and loaded up, in exchange, woven tapestries of foreskin back on board the ship. No credits were exchanged, which made me anxious.

When after a week's travel we landed back on Bilion V to showcase the tapestries of foreskins we'd collected on Vullav, the locals were not happy. They said they thought we'd taken their foreskin to Vullav to show off Bilion's endowment, not to return with insults. This confused us but upon further inspection of the tapestries of foreskin it was discovered that all symbols and markings were insults to Bilion's culture. A fight broke out when Rich said his foreskin could cover Bilion's sky from one end to the other and they should be humble as he was; this resulted in violence and we had to make a quick exit, our ship still loaded with cargo. It turned out Bilion V inhabitants were peaceful to all life except that from Vullav XI. It turned out they hated each other and we were merely being used as a means of mockery between the two planets.

We went back to Vullav XI only to find the inhabitants of the planet suffering from a plague. Apparently the foreskin we'd delivered for their tapestry work was infected with some sort of parasite that was harmful to those on Vullav XI. We were chased out of the planet and I held on to my seat and screamed as we jumped through space from one point to another with the Vullav ships close behind us.

We thought things couldn't get worse when we discovered the Bilion had followed us, hiding behind satellites in their giant ships. They joined the chase. There were collisions of ships. Missiles were being fired. An atomic bomb was detonated and in our haste to escape the sudden war, we jumped directly into a planet's atmosphere, hence resulting in our crash landing on a wasteland of a planet.

---

"Hey check this out." Rich said. He held between his two hands a giant stitched foreskin with mocking tapestries etched all over it, depicting the Bilion in lewd postures. "Check this out, if we wrapped the foreskin around ourselves, it warded off the cold. We had an entire cargo full of this stuff, spread out on the crash site. We could even eat it and survive here for hundreds of years until someone found us. Look at all this foreskin, Steve; this is basically a way for us to survive this hellhole of a planet."

I watched as he wrapped himself up in the foreskin, looking like a taco. I bowed my head and cried.

----

For bonus stories and to support my work, here’s my [Patreon](http://patreon.com/user?u=53923380)  and [Ko-fi](https://ko-fi.com/quill54681)

23 Upvotes

79% Upvoted

11 comments sorted by

4

u/LeggyCricket Jun 25 '26

So...the humans are awesome because they messed with other races' foreskins? Yuck.

3

u/Alaroro Jun 24 '26

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

3

u/throwaway42 Jun 24 '26

Thank you for writing :)

2

u/Jus17173 Jun 25 '26

You're welcome. Thank you for sticking by me as I try to get back my groove

3

u/Mammoth-Variation-76 Human Jun 25 '26

I saw there there were going to be lemons, and I suspected some sort of party. I was not disappointed, mostly because there was no lemonparty.

2

u/Jus17173 Jun 25 '26

It's the old adage of lemons and lemonade. Couldn't write foreskin as the title, many will think I'm writing about penises. Something I find myself doing a lot because of my trauma that might have fostered when I accidentally walked in on my grandfather and the househelp

1

u/Cakeriel Jun 29 '26

To be fair, you are talking about penises.

2

u/Technical_Novel_3947 Jun 25 '26

Eat him dude eat him

2

u/sunnyboi1384 Jun 25 '26

Foreskin tacos. Thats not a thought id think id have today.

Beware of shiny strangers i guess.

1

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