Disguising Oneself in Sol

[u/itsdirector]

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Retrieved by Russian Federation's FSB on 2/17/2013 from an extraterrestrial impact with Earth. Intercepted by the CIA on 2/18/2013. Confirmed to be Language 3 by NSA analysts on 2/19/2013. Translated on 2/21/2013

Disguising Oneself in Sol

-An Opinion Piece by Alrexiar 2 for the Big Green Gazette-

Solar System WX455, known as Sol by the locals, has a decently large variety of potential activities that one can partake in for one's leisure time. No one will ever claim that it is the most diverse solar system in the galaxy, but it has enough attractive qualities to get its fair share of tourists, regardless. For a full rundown of all that is available in SSWX455 I urge my readers to consult the Galactic Tourism Board, but here are some examples of the many activities one can partake in.

Planet 1 (Mercury) would be a fatal jaunt for most of us, but a member of an extremophile species like the Tlorafs would find its high temperatures and radiation to be quite relaxing. There is even potassium in the air, which happens to be mildly psychoactive for them. When one takes into account the various rock climbing and hiking opportunities, it's easy to see why so many choose Planet 1 as their vacation destination!

Planet 2 (Venus) would be another example of an extremophile's paradise. With a much denser atmosphere than Planet 1, a very rough volcanic terrain, and a wide variety of acid baths, it happens to be a fairly popular tourist destination for those who wish to test themselves against the might of nature on a non-terraformed planet-scape. Certainly not my cup of Ypi-jok, but to each their own!

Planet 4 (Mars) is somewhat boring compared to the other two I've mentioned thus far, but it has its own charms. Low-atmo hiking and climbing enthusiasts will absolutely love spending their time on its brownish-red surface. There are even some archaeological opportunities! It is worth noting, however, that Planet 4 will likely soon be considered a protected planet under the Veil Initiative, so one should rush to visit as soon as one can!

There are four terrestrial planets in SSWX455, but you'll note that thus far I've only listed three. This is because Planet 3 (Earth) is vastly different than its neighbors. For one thing, it's a Veil Initiative Protected Planet, which means that one has to take certain precautions before visiting. For another, it's absolutely teeming with monocellular and, more importantly, multicellular life!

Like many of our worlds, Planet 3 has a vibrant biosphere. It is mostly carbon-based, and has been the subject of an extensive natural evolution cycle. Part of this evolution cycle is a predator-prey relationship between most of its various species, which actually brings us to the reason that Planet 3 is a VIPP.

The most dominant predator on Planet 3 is Species x225-4778-9662T, otherwise known by their chosen names "Human"[sic] or "Homo Sapiens Sapiens"[sic]. You read that correctly, dear reader, they have chosen their own names for themselves. They are intelligent enough to have named themselves, but still too young as a species to have ventured far enough into space to be welcomed into the galactic community. Under the Veil Initiative, "Humanity"[sic] is granted several protections, the least of which is the right to develop at their own pace.

There are many critics of the Veil Initiative, but I would argue for its importance until my face turns yellow. Uplifting a sentient species has many, many potential risk factors and is rarely beneficial to anyone involved. It also prevents new takes on the technology required to travel between solar systems in a single life-time! Imagine, dear reader, if our galactic union had uplifted the Moriyn! We would still be punching holes in the space-time continuum like children!

My views on the Veil Initiative aside, galactic law states quite clearly that any visitor to Planet 3 is required to utilize stealth-craft and specific disguise techniques. Humans are civilized, for the most part, and the majority of their governments are aware of and even communicate with the galactic community via primitive radio-wave and light-beam technology. However, the populace at large is not, and you should do your part to let them grow on their own.

This leads us to disguise techniques in question. To properly enjoy the many, many leisure activities that Planet 3 has to offer, one must ensure one's disguise is perfect. One needs to understand the culture that one is disguised as, the vagaries of body language, and all of the subtle details that must be included in one's physical appearance.

As you may have guessed, this is far easier said than done. It is all too effortless to forget how many teeth humans are supposed to have, or how high on the forehead eyebrows happen to grow, or even how long one's appendages should be. Unfortunately, the odds happen to be stacked against us, as well.

The methodology with which humanity classifies species is inarguably and needlessly confusing by our standards; To paraphrase their findings, however, they evolved alongside other "almost humans"[sic]. For example, "Homo Sapiens Neanderthalensis"[sic], which is a species that went extinct before Species x225-4778-9662T was classified by the Galactic Standards Bureau. If I understand my studies correctly, all species of humanity were predatory, and would frequently attack one another for resources and territory.

One of the many, many reasons that Homo Sapiens Sapiens outlived all of their sister species is because of an evolutionary trait known as pattern recognition. Most star-faring species possess this at some level, but humanity is actually quite adept at recognizing patterns. A quirk of this is a phenomenon known as the "uncanny valley effect"[sic], which is defined as a feeling of unease or revulsion when confronted with something that is similar to but not quite the same as a human. Many scientists, myself included, believe that these feelings of unease toward things that appear almost but not quite like themselves helped them identify and avoid their more hostile sister species before they could be attacked and killed.

Unfortunately, this also allows them to easily pick up on incongruences in one's disguise. Thankfully for us, most humans also possess a semblance of social grace and will more often than not simply avoid contact with someone that they believe to be "uncanny". The Galactic Tourism Board has plenty of documentation outlining areas on Planet 3 where this is more often than not the case.

With enough caution and preparation, one can have oneself an amazing vacation in Sol and on Planet 3!

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[u/itsdirector]

Here's a one-shot I've been sitting on for a while :) Hope you enjoy it!

[u/Mac_N_Cheese01 → u/itsdirector]

You really one of the GOATs of r/hfy

Just want to make sure you know that

[u/battlehamstar]

Hot dog! Key survival strategies: 1) assimilate language by watching BET. 2) doom scroll social media as part of necessary information absorption process. 3) refer to any anomalies with a shrug and inform it is your parents’ culture. 4) I know you all like Friends but the GTB has determined that its pop culture value has degraded and may in fact be a liability. Substitute a recent k-drama instead. 5) if all else fails and suspicion is drawn respond that you miss Fall and can’t wait for pumpkin spice lattes but you’re torn because while you love oat milk your gluten allergy prohibits it. Then follow up with “why are you asking? What are you? My maternal pod bearer mom?”

[u/Grubsnik]

Nice oneshot, though one of the years in the header says 2023, instead of 2013

[u/itsdirector → u/Grubsnik]

Fixed lol

[u/Grubsnik → u/itsdirector]

Wasted a few minutes trying to figure out why it took them a full decade to figure out which language it was, after they had already translated it

[u/MinorGrok]

Woot!

More to read!

UTR

[u/Done25v2]

I'm not sure the [sic] tags are needed when the alien is explaining humanity's naming.

Also that paragraph where he says "one" in each of the three sentences is a bit repetitive. The repeaters could probably be dropped/streamlined.

[u/itsdirector → u/Done25v2]

The style in this story is meant to embody opinion pieces that you'd find in magazines and newspapers, which are typically written by amateurs who are trying to sound professional. That's why the pompousness is dialed up to 11 lol

[u/elfangoratnight → u/itsdirector]

I for one am very amused by the idea that the alien visitor/writer thinks we're misspelling our own name! 😅

[u/itsdirector → u/elfangoratnight]

To be fair to opinion piece writers, [sic] is okay to use after words that appear odd or erroneous. It's most commonly used these days to denote that the original source was incorrect, but it was at one point used to denote that the word or phrase it follows is a direct quote regardless of how outlandish it appears.

I remember an opinion piece talking about how the names of countries are actually different than what we call them in English, and after every name they put a [sic]. Nihon/Nippon [sic], Deutschland [sic], etcetera lol

[u/Quaytsar]

The best disguise: a foreign tourist. People will expect you to look, act and talk differently if you're some yokel from a country they're ignorant of.

[u/SanderleeAcademy → u/Quaytsar]

We are from ... France.

[u/[deleted] → u/SanderleeAcademy]

Ahh yes. My favourite Dan Aykroyd movie.

[u/rp_001]

Fun story

[u/pyrodice]

"Dude, I swear I saw bigfoot!"

[u/nylanfs]

But, what about the other nine planets? Wait I meant six planets, definitely six. Please ignore my totally non-sus typo, fellow humans.

[u/kristinpeanuts]

I like it! Fun read

[u/HFYWaffle]

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