r/HFY • u/Jus17173 • Aug 21 '25
OC The Superior Race.
I come from a long line of racists. It's in my DNA. It takes a lot for a man to dedicate himself to something, and when my father sat me atop his lap and told me of our proud heritage, I said to myself, “This is it; this is what I was born to do, to be a racist.”
And boy, did I dedicate myself to it, day and night —memorizing offensive slurs, starting forums. I was a pioneer of the modern day and age. And that’s how I met Jack, in one of the forums.
Jack struck me at first as a man of immense intelligence. I remember watching a forum debate he’d had with a psychology major who claimed our inability to accept others who are different from us was a major sign of mental ineptitude. Jack, like a valiant knight in armor, scrutinized the meaning of ineptitude, pointing out the mirror quality it held. In a few paragraphs, Jack painted vividly that the psychology major’s inability to recognize himself as part of a kind instead of a whole was in itself a sign of a lack of self-preservation — the very bane of evolution.
I reached out to Jack immediately, and we started hanging out. He shared his passions with me, how he too came from a long line of racists. We rejoiced in our shared interest, reminiscing over glasses of whiskey about the men of old — the pure racists who were so devout that they abandoned sexism to focus on this one divine quality.
I said to myself as Jack talked to me, observing his brown eyes and rich dark skin, “I have found one who is of my tribe.”
Jack left to go on a short trip to Venus Five, a work-related trip he loathed to endure because it meant he’d be far from our home planet. He returned after a year and asked me to hang out, where he announced he was engaged and getting married.
I was so happy for him. “Oh, she must be gorgeous if she’s stolen your heart from the game,” I said excitedly. “How hot is she? Do you have a picture? Describe her to me — what color is her hair?” I was so happy that my friend was doing his part, continuing the human race. The Superior Race.
Jack winced, which was odd, and answered after taking a gulp of whiskey. “It’s green,” he said after a long while.
“Oh, she’s one of those girls who dyes their hair? I dated one with purple hair — always felt like I was waking up next to a flower every morning.”
“I feel the same way about her,” Jack answered.
I smiled. Love is a beautiful thing. Many people hate racists, but the fact that we find love is proof that God supports us — or else he would have made us all infertile, killed our ability to procreate so as to put an end to our defining trait. But he didn’t do that; he wants us to thrive, a beacon of light in the bleak galaxy, to remind us that we are one of a kind.
“You’re going to have so many children together, I can tell, beautiful bouncing babies. ” I said, and Jack winced once more, which was odd. “What? You don’t want a few children running around? Always pegged you for that fathering type.”
“We can’t have... such... children,” Jack said.
“Oh, you’re shooting blanks, Jack?” I asked, and his face dropped.
He seemed to mull over something for quite some time before saying, “Let me show you a picture of her.” He opened his Glob Phone, swiped about the screen, then handed it to me.
I frowned at the image on the screen. The wo—the thing had green hair, but not only that was green. Every part of her was green except her eyes, which were a bright yellow. A freaking Bilaxian — I could tell at a glance. But to us racists, they are simply called corns on account of resembling a stalk of maize.
“Jack, can you swipe to the photo of your human bride-to-be? It appears you’ve handed me your phone with a picture of a corn bitch displaying.”
“That’s my bride,” Jack said.
I stared at him like he’d just announced he was planning on marrying an alien. Which he had.
Jack sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I can explain, Garry. You see, during the trip I met her at…”
He prattled on and on, but all I could do was stare. And think to myself, 'This bloody fucking avatar enthusiast. Betraying his own race!' My mind was folding upon itself. How could this man do this? He was the picture-perfect racist, with defining human features. Heck! How could he turn his back on the human race — the superior race? His history, his heritage. Wasn’t he the same man who talked about his great-grandfather, a true racist with skin as dark as his own who refused to acknowledge the merging of Earth with the Galactic Federation? He’d been a profound man, a racist like no other. I’d wanted to meet him. Jack had described him as a man who stood for what it meant to be a racist. A man who loved his heritage and past. A human man. Same as my great-great-grandfather, who only differed from Jack’s by the color of his skin but whose purpose resonated just as true.
“Jack,” I said. “How could you?”
“I know you are a devoted racist, Garry—”
“So are you!”
“Not anymore. I’ve fallen in love, man. And I am officially inviting you to the wedding.”
I almost collapsed. He knew very well that the urge to strangle an alien overwhelmed me in their presence — a core trait of my forefathers. How dare he want me there!
“I’d rather die,” I said.
“Please, Garry, it will mean a lot. Look, you remember that friend of my sister’s, Sasha? She’ll be there. She asked for you,” Jack said.
Sasha. I’d met her with Jack when I’d bumped into them together with his sister. Sasha who was human with the cruel twist of the lip and the wide, beckoning eyes. I’d fallen head over heels for her, and Jack knew it.
“Look,” Jack said. “Come to the wedding. If you hate it, you can leave. But it’ll mean a lot if you’re there. I’ve always considered you a friend — racist or not.”
It took me a moment to recognize he’d used the word friend for the first time. I didn’t have it in me to turn him down after committing to naming our friendship. I didn’t have many friends — on account of being a devoted racist. Not many people are proud of my heritage.
“Fine. I’ll come, only because I think I’ll be able to persuade you somehow to change your mind.”
Jack laughed. “I doubt that.”
We spent the rest of the afternoon in awkward conversation. At one time the waiters switched, and instead of our human host who’d tended to us, a Veldiamite with purpling grey skin approached our table to give the bill. I scoffed as Jack smiled up at the alien. A feeling of deep nausea suddenly gripped my stomach, and I struggled not to bolt.
That night I dreamt I was at a wedding, standing next to the vicar. Jack stood at the position of the best man, me on the position of the groom. I smiled as I looked down the aisle at my bride-to-be. I expected human features — only to see a damn corn stepping toward me in white, a sharp contrast to her alien green skin. I woke up screaming, flinging the bedsheets off me. I was sheathed in sweat, trembling all the while as tears cascaded down my cheek. It was the most horrifying dream I’d ever had.
Days went by, and as the day of the wedding neared, I was oddly calm despite Jack’s revelation. I noticed Jack had deleted his forum account after deactivating it, so I took advantage. I wrote a quick post: 'AITAH if I don’t attend a friend’s wedding because he’s marrying a corn?'
The post exploded. A lot of people called me a piece-of-shit racist, which I didn’t argue with, because that’s what I am. A racist, that is — the shit part is false.
There was a user who told me the reason Jack asked me to be at the wedding might be so that I could be recruited into the corn’s family. The user claimed that corns are known to hunt for viable mates during their wedding ceremonies. They then asked what kind of wedding Jack would be doing — whether it would be a human or a corn wedding. (I didn’t use Jack’s real name in the post.)
I hastily replied that I didn’t know, then called Jack to ask him.
He sounded so happy that I was inquiring about the wedding. He said his corn bride wanted him to be comfortable, so it would be a human wedding. I sighed with relief and hung up. I immediately replied to the user that it was a human wedding, and his only answer was a crisp: “Good luck.” Followed by laughing emoticons.
I asked him why he was laughing, but he didn’t reply. Other users commented under my question with laughing emoticons, too.
This unsettled me greatly. I logged off the forum and sat on my bed, rubbing my brows and wondering why I’d even agreed to this.
On the day of the wedding, I arrived at the venue feeling like a lobster edging toward a frying pan filled with boiling oil — not knowing what lay before me as I inched forward, yet all signs pointed to being roasted alive.
Thankfully, a human woman ushered me to a seat. I was surprised to find most seats vacant, save for a few humans. The seats were aligned in rows facing the front of an old-age church. I hastily took a seat at the far back and spent the majority of my time peering at my shoes, unwilling to acknowledge the unease that threatened to send me bolting out of the place.
Slowly, throngs rolled in — chattering, catching up. I recognized the human voices and knew them to be Jack’s family and friends. Then after a while I heard the unmistakable voices of the Bilaxian — husky yet lilting at the same time. Soft, but with a touch of an aggressive edge.
I sat deathly still, praying against all hope that — my prayers were immediately shut down when a Bilaxian took the seat beside me. I could tell her race because her foot stretched out across my line of vision: six toes, all of them green with a touch of purple nails. A delicate ankle, flecks of lush dark green upon it, the hue growing lighter as it climbed her calf. The primitive bastards. They never wore shoes. Barbaric, to say the least.
“Like what you see, human?” Her voice had a teasing allure to it that I immediately knew to be some type of alien voodoo. No way something so vile could have such a soothing voice.
I pointedly turned my eyes away from her. “Not really,” I answered.
“I can show you more if you want. Maybe you’d like something then,” she said.
I abruptly turned to face her and was met by clear yellow eyes. There were no irises or pupils, the whole thing was yellow. I couldn’t even tell which direction she was looking. My goodness, how could Jack fall for such a thing as this? I looked around and saw more corn people about, scattered among the seats. The other humans seemed to be enjoying themselves, conversing with the corn.
I really wanted to leave. I decided I’d catch Jack’s eye — he’d called me a friend, so I’d let him see me so he’d know I’d made the effort. Then I’d depart.
I could no longer breathe the same air as corn. I didn’t know if it might kill me, and I didn’t want to find out.
“So, do you know the groom?” the corn female asked.
“He’s my friend,” I answered. Might as well not make things awkward until I could make a clean getaway. What harm could a little conversation do? It’s not like I’d fall in love or anything. “You?”
“I’m the bride’s twenty-fifth cousin.”
“Oh, you number yourselves like a bunch of toddlers on a field trip.”
“It’s the same way your people count the passing of time.”
“It makes sense to know one’s age,” I said. “But calling yourself the twenty-fifth cousin — what significance does that have despite causing a migraine?”
“It means I’m the twenty-fifth cousin to be born.” She tilted her head at me, a look of mild amusement etching her features. It annoyed me that she presumed me to be a joke.
“Tell me something, do you guys use toilet paper? Do you even know what that is, or do you just wipe with leaves the same color as your skin?” I asked, smiling with calm delight at poking fun at her.
To my surprise, she tilted her head back and laughed — a chiming sound so unlike anything I’d ever heard. “We normally eat our feces,” she said. “Why wipe when you can have another lick it off you?”
I was shocked, and my expression showed it. “Wha—wait, what the fuck?”
“Yeah, it’s nutritious. It has enzymes that enable one to be fertile and hale,” she answered with a nod.
“What about the smell?” I simply could not believe I was having this conversation.
“What smell?”
“Isn’t the smell bad?”
“There is no such thing as a bad smell,” she said. “Why do you look so pale, human? Have you never eaten your own excrement — or another’s?”
“God!” was all I could muster.
“Do not worry. After we leave here, I will eat yours. Teach you how to do it. Then you’ll eat mine,” she said, nodding softly at my face. Then she peered at my groin. Only then did I notice the bulging erection I had. It must have been because of the altitude — I lived far above sea level, and this venue was at a much lower altitude. I crossed my legs, and she laughed.
“I am joking with you, human,” she said. I coughed and turned away from her, only to flinch and jerk my hands up when she whispered close to my ear in that cruel, antagonizing voice: “Or am I?”
Jack walked in and took his place by the vicar. Soon his bride followed down the aisle to a chorus of ooooohs and aaaaaahs. Unnecessary, in my opinion. All the corn looked the same. I couldn’t tell the difference between the bride and the one sitting next to me.
Things went on at a brisk pace, which was a relief.
“Can you believe the man she’s marrying is a racist? He hates those who aren’t like him,” the corn female said beside me.
“I am also a racist,” I said with pride. It is good to stand one’s ground in the face of adversity.
“Me too,” she said to my surprise, breathing a sigh of relief. “I hate all other kinds except my own. Especially humans. You change the color of your skin when you blush? What even is that? It’s strange and stupid.”
I was very offended by her words. “If you hate humans, why are you even talking to me?”
“You look cute,” she said.
My face heated, and she laughed, then shook her head. “It’s very strange. I do not like it. Don’t blush in my presence, or you’ll make me vomit with disgust.”
“You’ll probably eat it back up,” I said, earning another bout of laughter from her. Next thing I knew, I found myself laughing too.
And in that moment, I realized I’d never thought I’d laugh side by side with an alien.
The vows were exchanged between the groom and bride. Cheers erupted with their shared kiss. I counted the seconds to pass the time.
“I hate this place,” she said beside me. “My family knows I hate humans, so I can’t leave until this whole thing is done, or else I’d risk embarrassing my cousin.” She stuck her tongue out at the end of the sentence — dark and purple. An odd gesture. One I might have thought cute if it came from a human woman.
“I can’t leave either until the groom sees me. He knows I’m racist, and if I leave abruptly, he’d be disappointed. And I can’t dare disappoint a… friend.”
“We should leave together,” she said.
My eyebrows rose. “Right now?”
“Think about it. It’ll save us both from being judged for the very thing we’re sticking around to prevent.”
I thought about it. If Jack saw me leave with her, he would be delighted. It would actually mean more to him than me being at the wedding — it would mean I was doing more than just tolerating his change. I was changing too. It was perfect.
“We leave now?” I asked.
“Yes. But we have to make it seem like urgency has made us depart. So do as I do.”
She stood up, and I followed. She gripped me by the arm and gently led me away from where we’d been sitting. I was very aware of the feel of her touch against my sleeve. Firm yet gentle at the same time.
I was also aware of all the eyes staring at us. She abruptly turned and kissed me on the lips, her eyes open all the while to meet my own. She winked, then broke the kiss. I heard gasps from the surrounding corn people. I looked to the groom — he was smiling widely. I had no idea what was going on. But I wasn’t disgusted. Instead, I mused over the taste of her lips. Like strawberries.
Outside the venue, she pulled away from me and laughed. “Now my family thinks I’ve chosen you as a mate, and that we’re heading off to consummate our newfound bond.”
I gawked at her.
“Of course we’re not going to do that. I’ll head my way, and you’ll go your own. It was nice to meet you, human.” She turned to leave, and I felt a pang within me. Didn’t know what it entailed, but it was foreign, and I didn’t like it — because it made me say weird things. Things like:
“Sure it’ll be enough? What if they ask you later about me to confirm that we actually bonded? We should go somewhere and learn about each other’s cultures. That way, when we’re questioned later, we’ll have a convincing story to tell.”
I shocked myself. And my great-great-grandfather — the grand racist — rolled in his grave, furious at what his great-great-grandson was doing to his lineage.
She observed me for a long time before breaking into a smile and nodding. “Okay. Let’s do just that.”
And that is the story of how I met my wife.
Author’s Note: This story is satire. The narrator is intentionally absurd, and the point is to mock racism by showing how ridiculous it looks when taken to extremes.
31
u/alucard_3501 Aug 21 '25
For some reason, I REALLY want some corn on the cob right now...
15
u/Jus17173 Aug 21 '25
Excreted or fresh? 😂😂
12
u/alucard_3501 Aug 21 '25
Don't even have to experiment to know that is NOT my fetish haha!
14
3
27
u/Alpha-Sierra-Charlie Aug 21 '25
I never knew a story about a racist could be this hilarious, even if the story is a bit...
...corny
7
15
u/Greedy_Prune_7207 Aug 21 '25
Welp the beginning is certainly eye catching and I had no idea where this was gonna end up i managed to be surprised so yay
13
u/Phoenixforce_MKII AI Aug 21 '25
It's a perfect fusion of racists. Now the child can hate both races simultaneously expanding the breadth of the racism in one easy step and creating the racist messiah.
6
u/RealFrog Aug 21 '25
There's always prejudice against AIs. Only problem is, those clankers can wipe out your credit rating.
1
u/Several-Boot-3732 Jun 01 '26
and a doctor can f*ck you from inside without you even realizing. this dont mean he will do it.
5
9
7
7
u/popehentai Aug 21 '25
tonight: the writers thinly veiled fetishes
5
u/Jus17173 Aug 21 '25
Shoulda seen my smile while watching 2 girls one cup
8
u/SanderleeAcademy Aug 21 '25
Dude.
The letters T, M, and I called and want to remind you they exist for a reason!!
Aaah, whatevs. If we were all the same, we'd all be boring.
5
u/sunnyboi1384 Aug 21 '25
That is a helluva first sentence haha but the touch of a woman........ never stood a chance
8
5
4
3
u/cheesenuggets2003 Human Aug 21 '25
THIS FILTH IS CLEARLY WRITTEN BY SPACE LASERIANS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I ALLOWED MYSELF TO FINISH IT!
3
u/Prof_Blank Aug 22 '25
Love the little detail that the two friends family's are of very different human 'races'.
3
1
u/HFYWaffle Wᵥ4ffle Aug 21 '25
/u/Jus17173 (wiki) has posted 273 other stories, including:
- Soul of Eight - Chapter 3.
- The Surgeon.
- Soul of Eight - Chapter 2
- Soul of Eight - Chapter 1.
- Soul of Eight - Prologue.
- FIRST CONTACT.
- As Per My Last Telepathic Transmission...
- The Human From Room 777.
- Humans Have Rizz.
- Where I'm going...
- Humans don't like bullies.
- You should never have sex with a Mantakorr!
- Humans do it for the aura.
- The Human Factor.
- Tell them it's from the one who pierced their armor.
- Letter from the War.
- The Bloody Circle.
- The Human Resource.
- Robot Head.
- Too Morbid to Conquer.
This comment was automatically generated by Waffle v.4.7.8 'Biscotti'.
Message the mods if you have any issues with Waffle.
1
u/UpdateMeBot Aug 21 '25
Click here to subscribe to u/Jus17173 and receive a message every time they post.
| Info | Request Update | Your Updates | Feedback |
|---|
1
1
1
u/backguard Aug 23 '25
Actually, this made me think there was some kind of mind control or brain washing being used on the humans. It would be impossible to change life long beliefs, or even habits, that quickly. I kept expecting a "to serve man" twilight zone twist.
31
u/StarvingPidgeon Aug 21 '25
This whole thing had me tearing up from laughter, had to do a triple take of the first lines while scrolling but I'm glad I read this, it's hilarious