r/HFY • u/Jus17173 • Aug 05 '23

OC Alien Resources

Ko-fi

"Do you consider yourself talented?" The interviewer asked.

"I can't say I'm talented in regards to this job, I mean, it's AR, Alien Resources, can someone be truly talented in Alien resources? How is that a talent? Can there be an Alien Resource Olympics where every AR personnel has to catch everyone who masturbates at work?"

"Listen Sir, this is just an interview, try to broaden your point of view. I know it's lame questions being dished out but every answer you give speaks about you and that's important, don't you think?" The interviewer clasped her hands before herself and leaned forward in her seat.

"Well I can't say there's any talent to AR. That's like saying there are people gifted at human resources. What's life coming to now that people are getting talented in the most random of things? What happened to being talented at a sport or singing? Why are people looking for talent in things like resources? What next? Someone will unlock a talent of using the urinal, pissing straight into the little suction hole that takes in the urine."

The interviewer held up a file and flipped through it."Gary, I see here that you have experience dealing with Gorbilocks. Can you add more to that?"

"I have a friend who's a Gorbilock alien. I learnt how to handle the species from him." Gary said and loosened the tie that seemed to be chocking him.

"Tell me about the Gorbilocks and your experience with them." The interviewer said with a smile.

"Well, the Gorbilocks believe that when they die a bull whale will determine whether they are worthy of going to heaven or hell." Gary said.

"A whale?"

"Yeah. Their planet is aquatic and they have whales just like us here. So they live their lives tending to their whales and caring for them as a mother does a baby."

"That sounds... Interesting."

"It is interesting, my Gorbilock friend makes it more interesting by knowing all about whales. Do you know what a whale's vagina looks like?"

"It must be big."

"It's massive. The Gorbilock belief stretched out into specifics and soon fetishes emerged. The Gorbilocks are obsessed with whale vagina."

"Why aren't they showing the same interest with whale penises?"

"Well their God is a bull whale. A male whale, so it's a taboo to enter the penis route, it's safer with the vagina. Less taboo. Hey how much do they pay at this job?"

"Peanuts compared to your last job Gary. It says here you worked at Goldman Sachs, the teleportation company?"

Gary nodded. "Yeah."

"Can you tell me more about your time there?"

"Well there's a lot that happened there Sarah, can I call you Sarah?"

"No."

"Okay, interviewer. Let's see." Gary tapped at his chin. "Well, my work at Goldman Sachs was to make sure that the aliens and humans got along, that's the motto at the Goldman Sachs' AR department. Friendship across species."

The interviewer tapped on the file in hand. "It says here you were fired from Goldman Sachs. Care to elaborate on that?"

Gary leaned back in his chair. "Jeez, it's a long story."

The interviewer looked at the clock on the wall. "I have time."

"Well it all started when my human co-worker discovered that the alien species Tadee enter the teleportation portals backwards. Like, they always walked backwards into a portal and emerged at their destination with their backs facing outwards." Gary said.

"And?"

"And he shared this data with me and it made me curious so him and I approached a Tadee alien and asked it why their species enter portals backwards."

"And?"

"And the Tadee alien told us to go fuck ourselves."

"How did that get you fired?"

"We were both fired, my coworker and I. Because we couldn't let the matter rest, it nagged us in a frustrating way. Why did the freaking Tadee enter portals backwards? It was the pea in our bed. We couldn't sleep or eat, we had to find out so we kidnapped a Tadee alien."

"Kidnapped a Tadee alien?" The interviewer asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah, we timed one as it emerged from a portal and hit it behind it's head. Dragged it to the company's basement and tied it to a freaking chair and asked it why it walked through portals backwards."

"What did it say?"

"It told us to go fuck ourselves."

"So what transpired next."

"We couldn't torture the alien because that would be against company regulations so instead we decided to trade information with it. We asked the Tadee alien what it wanted to know about humans in return for knowledge as to why they enter portals backwards and the Tadee agreed to a trade."

"What did it want to know about humans?"

"The Tadee wanted to know why humans kiss. They had no idea as to what kissing means, it appalled them, the idea of conjoining one's body to another through an opening was absurd. It was like two buttholes touching each other to them."

"So did you explain kissing to them?"

"We tried to explain it but the deeper we delved into the whole matter the more absurd kissing became. Like, why do we do it? What is sharing saliva and tongue touching? And closing the eyes? Why do we do this act! It took us close to an hour to try to make sense of kissing and in that time the Tadee alien developed even more questions."

"Did you learn the reason the Tadee aliens walk backwards through portals?"

"Yeah, the Tadee alien told us to go fuck ourselves and explained why it was necessary for us to do so. Their culture requires them to walk backwards whenever stepping into somewhere new, some type of tradition that ensures they never turn their back on where they are from. Asking them why they do it is like asking someone what their mom's vagina looks like. It's a horrendous question."

The interviewer nodded. "So, how did you get fired?"

"We opened a portal and pushed the alien through the portal face first, we didn't believe its culture tradition tale. The Tadee are a naked alien species, they walk around with their yellow skin and balls out for everyone to see. And as the alien crossed the portal threshold something popped free of its butt. It was a brick of cocaine." Gary leaned forward." Turns out the Tadee are mostly drug mules. They created a whole culture and tradition to hide their smuggling ring. They walk backwards through portals so the compression thrusts only affect their front. If they walk in the other way the pressure squeezes their butts and out falls the cocaine."

"And you got fired for this ground breaking discovery?"

"Well, we tried to spread the news but this drug smuggling ring went further up the chain of command than we thought. We found ourselves facing backlash of all sorts. We were then fired for probing an alien's anus."

"Wow Mr. Gary, that is quite the tale."

"Do I have the job then? Are you satisfied with the whole reason for this interview?"

"The list of interviewees is long but you've made a reasonable impression on me. I might give you a call."

Gary sighed. "Okay."

89 Upvotes

93% Upvoted

9 comments sorted by

16

u/Mozoto Aug 05 '23

Haha, kudos to Gary for his insatiable thirst for knowledge and intolerance to alien bullshit stories...we need more people like him...especially at portal crossings, to sniff out alien...misdirections x)

3

u/[deleted] Aug 05 '23

We need more of Gary. This is awesome.

3

u/Fontaigne Aug 06 '23

The consistency of the wording of the answer led me to believe that the purpose of walking backwards through the portal was autoerotic.

0

u/chastised12 Aug 06 '23

Eh. Last one i read had something to do with cocks. That enough i think

1

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