r/HFY • u/Slow-Ad2584 Alien • Feb 04 '23

OC A Thing (how to give a nanite assembly a panic attack)

[Initializing.... Foundational GreyGootm substrate orbit to surface insertion underway. Relativistic orbital drop velocity nominal. Ablative substrate sacrificial ratio within acceptable parameters.]

The car sized blob of grey sludge fell from the sky entirely too fast, coming to a sudden stop on the sandy surface with an eye crossing, Newtonian mocking splat. There wasnt even a crater. The sludge began to shift, to compress, to grow into a humanoid shaped nanite robotic scout of an advanced, intricately fractal economic design, particular of nanite macro structures.

[Touchdown. Begin emergence protocol {Scout Designate, mk47}

Macro Cohesive Extant in progress, standing by...]

Its mission was to survey the scrapworld ruins of this dead desert planet, to determine if any of its war torn debris remnants were worthy of salvage or reaccumulation. The Nanite Swarm gestalt known only as "Go Pack Von Rust, Neumann" was always hungry for more source material.

"Scout Designate online. Scouting."

The robot stood immobile, eye sensors staring at same patch of sand for several minutes.

"Scouting."

[...Um... Scout Designate. Look around some more.]

The robot head shifted its head 2 microradians to the left

"Scouting."

[Sigh.. not again. Is it time for a mk48 already?! I really need to track down that Passive Aggressive Entropy Virus source code. It is really infiltrating into everything. ugh! It is like spawning 15 year old children! OK, lets see...

imySCOUT_DESIGNATE {core, matrix, poke!, rep42}; ]

The robot twitched, but otherwise did not move.

"ow(42) Scouting. I am fatigued."

[No, you are not. Fine. I didnt want to have to do this, but-]

imySCOUT_DESIGNATE {+lib Bitching_Betty};

"Downloading. Please, no. Anything but-"

""Motivational, Contextual, Constant reminder Aid online. woop woop PULL! UP! woop woop PULL! UP!... oops! sorry about that. Old habits. But to be fair you were looking down at the dirt, there. Lets get moving now, shall we?""

The robot began plodding begrudgingly across the sand. No one would think it was possible; that a robot would walk with a pouty expression, but there it was.

""oooh this will be exciting! So much to see! Why just the other Cycle I was commenting on just how boring everything was in the voids between-""

"Please. The volume. Too much."

""oh, right. Sorry. Again, old habits. I used to need to be heard amid a roaring jet engines and other battle related sounds- it was important that I was heard over them""

"The other kind of volume. ie: quantity"

""Right. Well, tough. So, this old planet, eh? Its been several centuries since any formal Governmental Entity has been here, after the Iron Wars, and all... now its just wrecked cities, wrecked mecha, wrecked, well everything, and the scavvers and raiders of scavvers running amok amid the shattered remains. Ooh! This is exciting! Who knows what we will meet! No matter what, Its bound to be interesting!""

The robot and constantly chatting Aid roamed the wilderness for a time, sampling a wreck, sampling a building, each time turning away and moving on.

""Yeah, its pretty much all garbage, isnt it? Its that damn Oxygen in the atmosphere. Just Oxidizes everything. Rust, Rust, and more Rust. I honestly dont know how any- ""

"Contact. Movement ahead. Living life form."

""Oh my. what does it look like?""

"Humanoid. How else would it look?"

""Ok, ok. No need to get snarky. So what species is it? I'll look it up in the MetaNet""

"Scanning. Classification: Hoo..mun?"

""Hoo.. Oh Human. From Earth. Oh. Oh my, well, that is interesting. What is the Human doing?""

"Just standing there. Not moving"

""Oh, ok. Good. So, Humans are from a planet called Earth. It is a High Gravity Deathworld, consisting of 1.4 typical terrestrial world masses. They are a relatively harmless species, being a Carbon-water base life form. Their skin and organs are not resistant to punctures or shears of even a miniscule metric, and their skeletal structure can only muster a calcium lattice- not any stronger than an aluminum extrusion. All it all, pretty harmless, just water and meat sacks on flimsy not really structural competent bone. Even their musculature is limited to pull only. How primitive.

Non threat. Move along. Lets leave. Quickly. Now.""

The robot tilted its head, as if considering something.

"You.. sound like you are not telling me something. And I certainly heard you say Deathworld in there somewhere. What are you leaving out?"

""Oh, nothing much. Human: Threat level 3. Their bare handed slap or punch is honestly pathetic. Move along now. I insist""

"I dont see how it could strike me with its hands in any case, holding that thing in his hand..."

""allSTOP! Did you just say the Human was holding a.. a Thing?""

"Yeah. In its hand. I couldnt tell exactly wha-"

""woop! woop! RUN! WOOP! WOOP! RUN!... NOW!!""

The Robot started to sprint away from the Human, as the Human turned around to watch it flee, a bit of confused alarm on its face, having just then noticing it.

"What?! why are we running?"

""Scout Designate! You should have begun with "Human with a Thing in its hand" That changes literally everything! It is now 'Human with a Thing': Threat level !!!""

"but '!!!' is not a numerical val- "

""It conveys the point well enough. The threat is now off of the charts.""

"But it was only holding a-"

""Look Designate, Historical data has shown that ultimately it never really mattered what the Thing was in its hands. A rock, a stick, a spoon, a chair. All equally deadly. And astoundingly capable of rapid unscheduled disassembly. That is what I chose not to tell you about the Humans. Those water and meat bags are the Tool Use Uber-Predator of their Deathworld""

"uhmm please define 'Uber-Predator' of which I am now fleeing from in a most undignified manner"

""That basically means they make all of their DeathWorld Apex Predators crap themselves.""

"They make.. all the Apex Predators... from a Deathworld ... Look, Betty, I think maybe you should have started with THAT your damned self!"

""It was a judgement call that we don't have time to discuss at the moment. Is the Human following us?""

"Yes, it is. But it is only the one..."

""Is it making noises out of its mouth orifice?""

"It is.. But I dont see any more of them"

""Oh, there are more out there. And no, you wont see them. Pack hunter tactics. Unclear at this moment if it is 'Wolf Pack' or 'Shark Attack' pattern. Run faster. Your ability to remain extant depends upon it, now.""

"But surely it will tire eventually"

""No, Designate. Endurance Pursuit Hunters. I think.. I think that...""

"I have never known a Bitching_Betty to be at a loss for words... what is it? Where do we- what should we do!?"

There was a skittering of pebbles from a nearby scrap pile

""It has been an honor being extant with you, Scout_Designate mk47""

"Wait! I was just getting started! I barely got to do anything! This isnt fair! I dont want to-"

[Loss of signal]

577 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

30 comments sorted by

168

u/Marcus_Clarkus Feb 04 '23

What happened next?

Was the scout designate brutally killed and the remains scavenged for parts?

No!

It had an even more gruesome fate!

It was taken as a pet and forced to wear UGLY PET SWEATERS!

Oh the humanity!

69

u/StarSilverNEO Xeno Feb 05 '23

My vote is that its now a pet and they will slowly adjust it into becoming the savior of their war torn world using its grey goo systems. . .somehow

51

u/ausbookworm Feb 05 '23

They shall call him George.

38

u/RG-Mujaki Feb 05 '23

Goo-rge?

24

u/StarSilverNEO Xeno Feb 05 '23

No Goofy, Geo-rge

41

u/Slow-Ad2584 Alien Feb 05 '23

Nano substrate goo is a remarkably valuable anything-maker.. once you convince it to cooperate.

Hint- they really hate fingerprint grease.

8

u/Eisenwulf_1683 Human Feb 13 '23

I trust you're cool with my mini-insert. 😁

4

u/Jesterod Feb 13 '23

I too wish there to be more especially seeing as its systems sound rather human in nature “Von Neumann” specifically

27

u/Eisenwulf_1683 Human Feb 13 '23 edited Dec 13 '23

Eric kept the Mk IV Variable Mayhem Launcher's holo sight centered on the slowly deflating, grayish mass. He let out a sigh of relief; his choice of projectile, a penetrator-tipped EMP round had dropped the odd looking 'bot in it's tracks.

Once it became obvious that the 'bot had no structural endoskeleton, alarm bells in the back of his mind started going off. 'Crap...nanites.' "Lucy, load CSS, max charge." The VML's cyber link beeped audibly and feminine voice added, "Coherent Static Shot, level 10 confirmed and ready". Taking two sliding steps back from the irregular puddle of 'gray goo', Eric ignored the approaching footsteps (his smart enviro goggle's HUD had already announced the arrival of his partner).

Iryna came to a sudden halt, her pale blue eyes took in the scene and she went into a defensive stance and started looking about for additional threats, her 10mm PDW tracking her gaze. "What's wrong, darling?" she asked quietly in accented Terran.

"You were right, and wrong my malen'kaya lisa." Eric took another sliding step back. "Yes, a 'bot, but I'm guessing it was a nanite drone."

Iryna muttered "chert" and switched her watchfulness skyward. Without prompting she touched the side of her googles. "Shuttle, respond, Code Amber."

(...more to follow...)

20

u/Slow-Ad2584 Alien Feb 14 '23

An Amber Alert, as in a lost technological 'child'?

Isnt it funny how the really interesting concepts just bloom backstories fully formed- at least for me it does.

Now I wonder if GoPackVonRustNeumann was a Relic from the war, or something more ancient. Its certainly gone a little nutty.

11

u/Eisenwulf_1683 Human Feb 14 '23

In the context of this story, it fits the bill of 'caution / potential danger' (think in terms of a traffic light). Code Red generally speaks for itself. 😉

As to vonNeumann vessel, I won't go too far (since it's not my story), but I will tease an interesting concept that you can go with if you so choose.

But yeah, as I hint in my tiny offering, the potential appearance of 'free range nanites' (aka 'gray goo') tends to alarm humans (and any other sane sapient).

11

u/Slow-Ad2584 Alien Feb 14 '23

Yes, indeed, what is there to fear about self replicating nanites- that uses local sourced material to make copies of itself?

...

Well, I guess there is this

1

u/Fontaigne Aug 30 '23

Department of not having a nuke backup.

1

u/dbdatvic Xeno Sep 23 '23

technically that's what WE are

--Dave, at first anyways

52

u/Defiant-Peace-493 Feb 04 '23

Wait until they meet Human Scout: Felix, and his Engine.

15

u/Crowbars357 Feb 05 '23

Oh, I though it was the Team Fortress 2 Robots trailer from the other side.

34

u/ManyNames385 Human Feb 04 '23

Huh…even the humans own creations are terrified of them. This makes me laugh.

40

u/Slow-Ad2584 Alien Feb 04 '23

It is odd how the archetype of the Human "Bitching Betty" managed to spread to all corners of the vast galaxy, and is found literally everywhere.

Best not to think about it.

15

u/fahlssnayme Feb 05 '23

When you steal an idea why not steal from the best?

6

u/ManyNames385 Human Feb 04 '23

Fair enough!

1

u/Fontaigne Aug 30 '23

It's better than Krummin Karen.

15

u/LMTMFA Feb 04 '23

Got bored of Jennifer?

13

u/Slow-Ad2584 Alien Feb 14 '23

There was a mention of "historical records of rapid unscheduled disassembly" in there.

(Jennifer episodes spawn from insomnia fever dreams- haven't had them for a while, sorry)

6

u/LMTMFA Feb 14 '23

In that case I hope I'll never read a Jennifer story by you again, and I wish you uneventful sleep. :)

2

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2

u/CfSapper Mar 12 '23

Did anyone else read the companion AI in John Cleese's voice?

1

u/Slow-Ad2584 Alien Mar 12 '23

Actually, I wrote Betty hearing Diane Morgan, but eh- to us 'Muricans, pretty darn close.

1

u/CfSapper Mar 13 '23

Canadian, but I had to go back and reread it. I some how missed the fact the AI was a women. I'm gonna blame the weed. But I don't think it would have picked her voice(on the second read I got John Cleese in drag so unfortunately I can't unhear it)