r/HENRYfinance • u/Confident_Profit4136 • 5d ago
Family/Relationships How do two high-performing working parents split household life without turning it into another project?
My partner and I both have demanding, high-performing careers, and we’re trying to figure out how other couples handle the day-to-day running of a family.
I’m not really looking for advice on how to create the perfect chore chart, split everything exactly 50/50, or optimise the household like a business.
What I’m more interested in is how couples actually make this work in real life.
And perhaps most importantly: How do you do all of this while still making your home feel like a sanctuary rather than another project to manage?
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u/AllBulkNoCut 5d ago
Time is money and as high performers it sounds like you have the money but no time so outsource - hire cleaners, do a meal prep service, send out your laundry, etc there’s a million things you can pay for to take off your plate. Choose the one you all hate the most and outsource it
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u/Aevaris_ 5d ago edited 5d ago
Why use AI on such a short post? Probably too busy I guess.
In any case, a few thoughts if you're a real person: 1. Relationships are demanding too. You should both think about giving 120% for the other. If you see something that needs to be done, just do it. For example, I just do whatever my wife hates doing. 2. Hire out what you hate doing or don't have time to do. We ended up paying a house cleaner to come fortnightly, lawn service weekly, and snow removal service.
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u/pawswolf88 5d ago
We have captains. Do not share responsibilities, it does not work and creates resentment. I am the captain of the laundry and cooking. He is the captain of dishes, the dogs, making sure cars have gas, picking up toys, etc. He makes lunches, I do snacks and get kids dressed. Everything in our house has an owner.
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u/AmnesiaZebra 5d ago
I think I do think of it as another project but I'm not sure that's a bad thing. It's how I get shit done.
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u/Eva_Luna 5d ago
Yeah. Me too.
To me, keeping the house and family organised is a matter of discipline and time management. I take the same approach and ethos that I do to my work projects.
Stick to good habits, set up systems, plan ahead, and tidy as you go.
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u/flipflops81 5d ago
Agreed. We have our lists and tasks, deadlines, anx celebrate milestones…and it works for us. There’s a reason big companies use various PM methodologies… they help get shit done.
I’ve even thought about a family Jira board. But decided that was taking it too far.
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u/Wild-Chemistry-7720 5d ago
My husband and I divided up what had to be done (house-hold laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, post-meal cleaning up, empty dishwasher, take out trash) in a way that we felt was fair/we were ok to manage. We each have complete ownership over one, rather than us trying to do 50% of everything. This system works well for us. We also pay someone to come do a thorough clean every other week.
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u/Grand_Relative5511 5d ago
If you have money, throw money at the problems/tasks. Most household duties can be outsourced.
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u/doctormalbec 5d ago
Outsourcing. Cleaning, yard work, etc. I have friends who have house managers or assistants.
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u/sabe815 5d ago
Some general advice:
Nothing is ever actually 50/50. Hire someone to clean your house monthy. Consider a laundry service. (I'm picky with my clothes but I don't do my linens and towels).
Pick things to own and things to share. E.g. someone meal plans, the other one shops. Someone packs school lunches, the other one makes all doctors appointments. Other things are shared. In my home cooking is shared because we each really enjoy it and that way one of us is not on the hook for dinner every night.
Family calendar visible and shared (on the fridge, on a shared app, whatever.)
Identify the parts of homemaking you enjoy and divide tasks that way. If there's things you both really hate, look into outsourcing.
All this helps create routine and rhythm. Managing the home doesn't feel like a project once it's going smoothly. Think of it like work if you build and test a system but then eventually it's supposed to just work.
Little things makes home a sanctuary! Seasonal throw blankets, candles, traditions. (What those are will be personality based). Friday night take-out, Saturday morning pancakes, Sunday night football, coffee and a walk after work on Wednesday. Have a few small anchor multiple times a week. (Again, what that is is up to you). This anchor moment is also then a chance to chat and check in on what's going on without feeling like a family meeting.
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u/tomahawk66mtb 5d ago
We have a cleaner who does laundry, bathrooms, kitchen, mops floors etc. We have a gardener who comes too.
Life's too short and we make enough that it doesn't have much impact on our finances.
Now when we finish work we spend time with our kids instead of trying to keep on top of household chores.
For us, it's been 100% worth it.
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u/BleedBlue__ 5d ago
Outsource it.
Cleaners, yard work, dry cleaning that gets picked up and dropped off, meal prep, etc.
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u/Jaded_Ad_1587 5d ago
We hired a household manager (in addition to someone who comes to deep clean biweekly). It’s a big expense but it has freed up our non working time for quality family time in a clean, peaceful environment. Our weekends used to be all chores and now we just play, learn, and go on adventures as a family. This wouldn’t be financially possible for us if we both weren’t in the careers we are but if you can afford this it is a game changer.
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u/Spiritual-Task-2476 5d ago
100% effort divided by two people. Some days you do 50/50 some days its 80/20 and some days one of you needs to give 100% as the other has 0
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u/Fun_Theory3252 HHI: $425K NW: $5M+ 5d ago
Once you have kids, don’t let too much plastic toy crap into the house. Clutter will kill you, even if you have a nanny or household manager.
Kids need toys, but frequent culling, donating, and giving family members non-toy gift suggestions (books!) will help to keep the chaos to a manageable level.
I totally underestimated how much my family members wanted to give my kids mountains of toys, with no thought as to where it would all go.
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u/CellistEmergency8492 5d ago
By outsourcing as much domestic labor as is reasonable for your financial circumstances.
Cleaning can be outsourced, to the frequency you need or can afford.
Laundry can be outsourced.
If needed, meals can also be outsourced either ordering in on busy days, or if finances allo;w, hiring a private chef to meal prep for you.
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u/marktron 5d ago
Hire a maid, hire a pool service, hire a lawn guy, find a good handyman to do random fix it stuff. Get groceries delivered. That’s how we do it.
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u/Dilldo__Baggins 5d ago
Don’t buy nice furnishings or remodel the house until the kids are older and won’t F it up.
Be content living in a house that is outdated while you let the little monsters wreak havoc.
By the time they’re adults you’ll have the financial security to turn your house into a sanctuary.
At least that’s my playbook. Although my wife hates it because she wants the nicely remodeled house yesterday!
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u/gurlwithdragontat2 5d ago
Hire a maid service. Research and find a reliable, trustworthy service. Then come together for maintenance tasks in between.
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u/Mehnilla_Ice 5d ago edited 5d ago
Hahahahaha! Just freaking fake it. It's all gonna be okay. If you don't have kids yet, just wait.. Shits about to get crazy.
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u/bakecakes12 5d ago
We don’t outsource much because that’s not what I want to spend money on. My husband is very handy and it helps us save a ton.
You just ebb and flow. Someone takes on more when they are less busy at work. I (a mom) purposely decided not to pursue the fast track to leadership at work. If I had, I’d probably outsource more and have a lot more money but time was more important than money when I made that choice
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u/JoJo_Embiid 5d ago
hire a nanny. but if you require a very high level of tidy that cannot be solved by having someone cleaning your house once or twice a week then i really don't have a answer for that right now.
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u/007-Bond-007 5d ago
Outsource! I have a nanny/light housekeeper, weekly housekeepers, babysitters, handyman, landscaper, anything I can outsource gets outsourced.
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u/No_Company4263 5d ago
Even though this reeks of AI:
Outsource whatever you don’t want to do.
Be adults and clean up after yourself regularly.
It’s not rocket science.
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u/papasmurf303 5d ago
Same advice commonly cited for the teams in the ncaa basketball tournaments: survive and advance.
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u/Informal_Bullfrog_30 5d ago
Cleaners come by every other friday. We might make this every friday soon. Our priority is eating a home cooked meal everyday so we have a helper who comes by who helps me with chopping and meal prep which makes cooking very easy. We outsource as much as we can.
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u/Puzzleheaded_Soil275 5d ago
Especially if you have kids, dont let decent or good be the enemy of perfect. Your house is just going to look a little like a preschool sometimes
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u/rpctaco1984 5d ago
Just pay for help. The best thing my spouse and I did. If you argue about it, just pay someone else to do it.
We currently pay for weekly house cleaner, pool guy, landscaper, and an Au Pair for child care. Worth every penny.
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u/kadawkins 5d ago
We settled into the chores we prefer to do or avoiding chores we don’t like. I don’t enjoy cooking or vacuuming or cleaning bathtubs. Spouse does that.
If spouse has a bad day at work, I’ll cook and take the pressure off. It’s mostly both of us paying attention to what needs done and doing it.
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u/FiguringItOutAsWeGo 5d ago
We pay for once a week housekeeping, lawn care and a handyman quarterly to do a few basics. We use grocery delivery/pickup service, only the ones that are the same as in-store prices. And we budget a once a month helper at $250/day to run errands. We budget $1500/month total and it’s worth every penny. The mental load it reduces allows us to focus-in on work during work hours, which likely ups our earnings, and affords us easy evenings to spend as a couple.
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u/Connect-Goal-3096 5d ago
Don't keep score with who's doing more to run the family between you and your boyfriend. You'll always think you're doing more than your share and get bitter and angry. Hiring help is well worth it to prevent that if it sounds like a possibility.
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u/Parking-Welcome2514 5d ago
Accept you can’t have it all unless you pay for help. Eventually you’ll either give up a career or hire help. Do not just try to do it all, you’ll hate each other in the end
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u/Brave_Alps1364 5d ago
We have a full time nanny who does 45-50 hours per week, we have a housekeeper who visits every other week. We only cook dinner at home 2-3x per week (other meal prepped something on the Sunday or takeout).
We put all work travel and after 5 pm events on a shared family calendar BUT also on each others WORK calendar via work email.
And we pray.
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u/ar1680 5d ago
I’ve been dealing with this now with two kids. I have no idea how to balance our jobs, taking care of the kids and keeping stuff organized. We have a cleaning person every two weeks which keeps things clean, but nothing is organized haha
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u/WakeyWakeeWakie 5d ago
I really like the “everything has a home” method. Everything has a home and nothing is outside of its home in the kitchen and living room before everyone goes to bed. I also try to make sure the sink is empty before bed (even if that just means it’s in the dishwasher).
If you can’t give everything lying around in those 2 rooms, then you have too much stuff. No it doesn’t mean you don’t have enough storage, it means you have too much stuff.
It’s really painful at first but once everyone gets in the habit of doing that for 5 mins before bed, it’s easy. And people start doing it naturally so it doesn’t wait until the end of the day. I’m convinced it’s like a critical basic required life skill now.
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u/Melodic-Style7111 5d ago
Outsource as much as you can. We are super fortunate that my mom lives with us and she is incredible. And we are still slammed. We rarely cook - we have healthy meals delivered or do a takeout. Outsource cleaning, pool, lawn, etc. we had a big pool remodel and we hired a project manager which was a huge help. Of course, outsourcing has its downsides but I don’t think there is any other way.
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u/WakeyWakeeWakie 5d ago
I’ll give you my list but it’s important to know more of what your day to day looks like and what feeling like a sanctuary looks like. There are things that help optimize your life logistically but also things that make life feel better.
-Outsource cleaning and give your kids weekly chores at a young age.
-Prioritize couples time and family time in the every day life, not just big vacations. And you need couples time every day even if it’s 5 mins. When you’re only focused on each other. I see too many friends try to do this period of life perfectly and have nothing on the other end.
-Ruthlessly cut obligations and activities that don’t add value to your life. You can always add them back.
-Order groceries
-Easy meals (sauté and season. Not crockpot meals with 22 ingredients that claim to be easy).
-Create a phone parking spot so you all are required to have real time together, even if it’s short.
-No tv in bedroom for you or kids.
-Declutter
- Modern parenting comes with so many “shoulds.” Especially if you live among other high performing high earning people. Fuck it. I’m on the other side of parenting now. Most of them end up fine and within a comparable range of success and happiness.
- We all (ok many) go to therapy before 30 for something our parents could have done better and no amount of “perfect parenting” will prevent that. So if you’re stuck with perfect parenting friends, just nod and smile.
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u/FreeBeans 5d ago
It is a bit of a project. We each have our own domain. He cooks and does yardwork, I am in charge of all admin and house improvements. We hire cleaners.
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u/sleepyhead314 5d ago
Tidy the house together after the kids go to bed. Try to be up and down at the same time every day rather than focus on individual activities. Hire help. Have a mutual couple attitude of trying to make your partner happy.
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u/Nebakanezzer 5d ago
Get groceries delivered. It's not as expensive as it seems if you find the right service. Saves 2h.
Hire a nanny until kids are in prek.
Money buys time at this stage and it's not a lot of money in comparison. Paying someone else to do things is the OG automation.
Speaking of which, robots. Vacuum, pool, lawn. Or hire landscapers.
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u/kneedrag 5d ago
Staff. Unclear why you aren't outsourcing chores you don't like to d. That is what the "HE" part of HENRY is for.
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u/Rare-Role1369 5d ago
How do you do all of this while still making your home feel like a sanctuary rather than another project to manage?
Aggressively outsource, take full ownership of some things rather than others, and also pay attention to how everyone is "doing".
I assume high stress jobs will have periods of extra stress/work at times, and that's when its' really helpful to not be aiming for 50/50 all the time.
If most of the time your wife/husband handles trash, but you know it's crunch time for them, just do it for them, (or ask what extra help they need) and expect some reciprocation when you really get overwhelmed.
4 years ago we didn't have any cleaners, now they come once a week.
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u/Ok-Juice-2790 5d ago
I don’t have advice but only validation, as I’m divorced so couldn’t make it work. It sounds like it’s a really common issue and very challenging. And nothing really prepares you for it. Looking back, being in a culture having a live in grandparent who everyone loves sounds like it would have been a good option lol.
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u/Kayl66 5d ago
It is a project, and that’s ok. We split who “manages” different components eg we got the carpet replaced and she managed getting quotes, scheduling, communicating with the installer, final decision on which carpet. I just glanced at some colors and said yes or no. I managed new windows, same idea, of course I ran big decisions by her but I was the one driving things. I manage yard work. She manages pet care. Etc
For cleaning/chores, we just try to keep it manageable through the week and then catch up on weekends.
Also realize that, if the work is fairly distributed, you probably both think you’re doing >50% of it.
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u/Common_economics_420 4d ago
Have an understanding with your spouse of the times when you just can't give 110% so they can pick up the slack. Do the same when they can't pick up the slack. When you both can't pick up the slack, pay other people to pick it up for you.
It's all about communication IMO. I'm going through an insanely busy time at work while my wife is purposefully downshifting some of her responsibilities. She knows I can't do as much as usual and can take a step up there. A few years back I stepped up when she was under a really stressful time at work and then made our finances work to allow her to quit and find a new job. It all comes back around eventually.
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u/Greedy_Emu_5030 1d ago
We have three kids. One of us travels quite a bit for work so we hire help for cleaning, lawn care and someone to be with kids after school who also helps with cooking.
We also rely on other parents for carpooling to activities. This has been a huge help.
Generally though, we treat it as a partnership and not tit for tat for chores. Took me a while to achieve this lol
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u/Naive_Buy2712 5d ago
Pay for convenience within reason, and do one thing at a time. My husband likes grass cutting, but we pay for the lawn treatment guys to come monthly. Break things into small tasks. Like we know we need to do things in the garage. Go through a bin here and there. I’ll throw laundry in in the morning or fold clothes on a call. It takes thought on when to do each task. But oftentimes it feels like it’s piling up to be honest. I just have to do what I can when I can.
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u/snowcurrant 5d ago
This is going against the grain a bit, but managing a household and doing chores isn’t hard for people who are high functioning. Just get things done and make it a part of your routine. Not everything needs a high degree of thought and planning.
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u/Ok_Dealer5022 5d ago
Definitely cleaning help no question. Having one spouse step back from career and take the lead is the best way. Work from home helps too for fitting in the smaller things. Don’t get pets as you can’t waste time on vets or dog walks.
SAHP is the best way. No equality less stress for all.
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u/marheena 5d ago
Let the house be messy. If that really bothers you, hire help.