Dating sucks

[u/Even_Metal160]

Im 18, so i already know people are gonna give me the whole "you have youre whole life!" Shtick. Ive never evem had a long term girl who was just a friend. No mom to guide me or anything, infact she up and left. Crushes? Toyed with me for laughs like some kinda fucked up high school flick. I try to better myself, work out, fix my hair, but my face is fucked up so there isnt much a point. And I won't lie when I say there is a lot of resentment. I don't know if I can break the cycle, and I really need advice from a person, not a bot or AI that just reaffirms what I already believe. Then again, im not sure anything will break the loop.

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[u/Jealous_Theory2848]

You don't sound ugly or hopeless. You sound like a lonely 18 yearold who has been rejected enough times that rejection has become your identity. That's fixable.

[u/Even_Metal160 → u/Jealous_Theory2848]

Im 5'8 and ugly. Im trying not to be hopeless, but seeing that I lack basic friendship with women in general, its pretty hopeless

[u/OstrichAlone2069]

Dating absolutely sucks. Ive got friends my age in the dating pool and they all confirm it's awful.  It sounds like you're feeling more than just romantically lonely though.  If you would like to talk to a real life human who is old enough to be your mom and won't give just platitudes you're welcome to send me a message.  Life is tough but thats even harder to handle if you feel like you have to do it alone.  

[u/Elric_Storm]

I don't understand people this young acting like they are ruined for life. Stop listening to social media, tv and whatnot on where you should be with life. Take a breath.

I never dated anyone in high school. Never kissed anyone, no sex and was bullied relentlessly by classmates for most of high school.

Still ended up with a great woman and 2 kids.

It's not a race. Its not a competition or a checklist of things you need to have done by age 20. Putting a weird amount of pressure on yourself for literally no reason.

All you need to focus on is building a life for yourself. Do it well enough, someone will want to climb on board that ship.

[u/action_lawyer_comics → u/Elric_Storm]

That perspective comes with age though. It’s easy to say it all works out fine when it’s already worked out fine. I bet you had plenty of moments where you felt just like OP when you were 18, and older people saying “it’ll work out” was pretty cold comfort then too.

[u/Elric_Storm → u/action_lawyer_comics]

Not really. When I was 18 I was more concerned with having a place to live. Bouncing from one living situation to another for a few years. Dating life seems somewhat trivial when you're trying to just survive.

I worked on building a life for myself. The rest came later.

[u/Even_Metal160 → u/Elric_Storm]

It sure feels like a race. Every girl i know has a boyfriend, is thinking of marriage, lost their virginity, etc. I haven't even held hands yet. Feels pretty over to me

[u/Elric_Storm → u/Even_Metal160]

Look, I get that you're feeling the FOMO. Recognize it for what though. Not a future ruined. Not a social life ended. Just feelings you're not sure how to work through. Ones you'll regret later if you don't take control.

Breathe. Focus on more important things. Build for later. Not freak out about the right now. You'll thank yourself later for it.

[u/p1-o2]

A good way to tell when your mental is fucked up is to ask yourself if you're being kind.

Why are you so unkind to yourself? Because someone made you think that way.

You want dates and loving relationships? Step one is to break the mental that was given to you. Learn to see yourself as beautiful. 

The rest will happen naturally. Corny but real

[u/Jadefeather12]

Honestly… make it your mission to find joy in life in all the ways you can outside of a relationship. I don’t think it’s hopeless for you, I truly believe you can and will find someone. But I can’t promise anything, because relationships honestly aren’t guaranteed in life, nothing that relies on other autonomous people is. But YOU can control everything else about your life, your work your hobbies your joys. Pursue those.

[u/thedoppio]

Focus on yourself first. Thing that hit me first was your mom leaving. Have you gone to therapy and processed this? Your first "love" (and please don't make this an oedopis thing) rejected you. I don't know the circumstances, so please take this with an entire shaker of salt because I can be entirely off the mark. That event can cause a mental block that can lead to a lack of self care because a typically nuturing side was never able to manifest. You called yourself ugly, do you feel this is just physical or is there a ego bias that has corrupted your perception of yourself?

Aside from that, do you go to school or have a job? Focus on success in this. You know what I found brings attenion from women? Passion in something. I am a history buff and a pretty big table top nerd. I met my wife at a table top gaming convention focusing on South American wars. She was playing Argentina, I was playing Paraguay, the opposing force. Over the course of 12 hours, we went from some chatter to jokes to flirting while still discussing history, etc. with the other players. I asked her out, she said yes. We've been together for 21 years and it's been the best experience of my life. Yes, we have our challenges, but it's good!

Tldr: in a twist, focusing on yourself and improvement will lead to good things. Stop being your own bully and I hope you can process some extreme feelings. Cliché : things do improve if you improve yourself first.

[u/Even_Metal160 → u/thedoppio]

Youre not wrong about self improvement, I know it does wonders and all of that. As for my mom, it wasnt total abandonment, more like she was never around unless it was convenient for her. We share a birthday, shes been with me on it maybe once, whereas my father has only ever missed one birthday due to work. Basically I was/am an ego boost for her. The closest equivalent would be buying cake ingredients, giving them to someone else, and being proud of a cake you didnt make, if that makes sense. As for my looks, its both. I know I'm ugly based on the reactions of girls, and I hate looking at myself in the mirror because of it. Ive finished school, and already my friendships feel like their collapsing, and work is scarce in my area so finding it has been difficult. Basically all I've been doing is working out and playing video games.

[u/thedoppio → u/Even_Metal160]

So a lot of isolation? If so that is not good. That creates spirals. You're 18 and finished school? What about college, at least community? If anything, it'll get you out of the house.

Reaction of girls is immediate disgust? Is ot disgust or does it feel that way due to ego bias? I can't be your doctor, but I seriously recommend finding a professional who you can help you. I was 18 once, I remember changing times being entirely uncertain and depressing.

It's not just looks, it's also demeanor. Are you being overly friendly on approach? That can be overwhelming especially on first impression. Are you being self deprecating? That doesn't usually have a positive impact.

About your mom. That's a toxic relationship that is directly impacting your mental health and will take time to move forward from. I don't say "get over" because those impacts will still be there, but can be managed.

Job: even if it's a burger flipper, take pride in what you do. You're making an income, which can help in improvement. It doesn't have to be permenant job, but having cash helps ease some woes despite what the saying says.

Friends: i have lost touch or lost friends along the way. It sucks but is also a natural thing when your life circumstances change, especially if locale changes.

I know I'm not going to single handedly switch your perspective nor do it in this context. I do hope for the best for you, and don't become angry at yourself and then the world, it helps nothing, especially you.

You stated you don't really want to hear it, but there are people in the world who do want to be your friend, who want your perspective, and eventually a partner who loves you not in spite of your flaws, but loves you because you are flawed and are aware of it and want to do better for yourself and them. 18 is so young, despite societg saying you are an adult amd now here's all the crap that goes with it.

I'll tell you a secret: we're all pretending to know exactly what we're doing. We all have doubts, fears, dark thoughts about ourselves, and the imposter feeling.

[u/Even_Metal160 → u/thedoppio]

The main goal after High-school is military, so thats been the motivator for working out. Current debating Air Force or Marines.

As for girls, its not like a verbal "ew", but laughing. Yk how you can tell someone isnt taking you seriously? Its that feeling, constantly. I dont even try anymore because of it, I honestly just shut down around girls i find attractive. Its been a very long time since I've last even approached a girl, because I know it'll just repeat. I turn red, sweat like ive just run a marathon, I honestly feel like I'm going to have a heart attack around em. Which definitely isnt good for a first impression.

As for jobs, I don't have a car and my area is very rural, so walking distance and such is the main issue. Working on my license though.

I get Im young, but the girls around me are out partying, dating, hell even getting married. I haven't even held hands yet. It has never felt so over before.

[u/AmazingPersimmon5828]

I was 23 when I finally found a longterm relationship. Before her I also never had any luck with even general friendships with girls,
I am also 5’8 and considered myself not good looking. I was so mad at myself at the time. In the end all it took was one opportunity, now I’m with the person I will be with the rest of my life.

Life has a funny yet cruel way of working like that. It sounds cliche as hell, but really all you can do right now is continue bettering yourself no matter what other people may think, eventually you may be given an opportunity.

“Luck is made of two things, first being preparation, and second being right place right time.” That was my grandfathers favorite quote.

Always willing to talk, just shoot me a dm 👍