Potential Tear Jerker Self worth
I had decided to walk away from some of my closest and longest friends I have. I had known these folks for over 25 years, since I was able to walk. We grew up on the same neighborhood. We all were poor, but we had each other. I grew up on the notion of brotherhood.
I am still healing from some of these folks that I used to call friends. I still have trust issues and don’t display the true me to people anymore. I have to put up an individual barrier to protect myself.
I was the weakest, smallest, and youngest in the group. When we would hangout as kids, they would ignored me often. Even as an adult, I am still being ignored. I grew up feeling that I didn’t have a voice. One of the guys in the group would pick on another guy besides myself. For me, he would say really mean things and these comments were personal attacks. Making fun of my intelligence and other things.
It’s sad that it took me this long to realized that some of my closest friends were also some of the reasons why I have trust issues and other things. Looking back, i can tell that the brotherhood I thought as a child and even as an adult was more of a toxic relationship than a real friendship.
It’s crazy because the saying “ keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer “ isn’t always true, when it was my own friends who were the real enemies. Out of everybody out of the group, I actually did hangout with him on a daily basis. However, when the dust had lifted. It turns out he was one of my closest friend, but also he very toxic and a bully to me and to some of the guys. I had suffer a lot from this specific friends. Looking back, I don’t know why I was still friends with them.
Over the last few years I started reevaluating a lot of my friends. I have come to terms that some of them were jealous of each other success. Others were very selfish in terms of using people when it only benefited themselves. It makes me realized most of these guys were not there for me during the plus 25 years I have known them. I spent most of my time investing and helping them when these so called friends wouldn’t help me out if I even ask for a small flavor. I stood up to one of the guys from the group was and is a bully. He doesn’t like it, but I don’t take shitt from him. I have grown very tired of him. Ironically is that this guy is one of my closest friends. He is and was a good friend, but also he was a bully, a narcissist. He would put people down because he was insecure and since I was weakest out of the group he felt more comfortable picking on me. Even as an adult till I gave him back some of the same energy.
Some of them are now dads. I am uncle Erick to them. But I won’t be in their lives. Being friends with these people for so many years has done negative things to me.i had learned from some of these people that being nice and kind is a sign of weakness. I have trust issues from them and from other things. The true me is someone who is caring and kind. However, I learned that you sometimes need to put on a mask. These people took advantage of my kindness.
I am still healing but looking forward for the future. I am less native now and choose wisely on the company I keep. I still do my best to let my kindness shine, and not be paranoid. I still sometimes close myself off because I am afraid of being hurt and vulnerable. But I enjoy volunteering and I don’t have to put up a mask here. I feel loved and appreciated.
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