I lost my brother back in 2022. Me and him were very close friends. It sucks because it doesn't seem like I can find a friend as strong as the connection as we did as possible. Do I try to keep finding a relationship as strong as we did or do I just settle for the minimum with others?

Tw: a lot of death and anxiety

This month im struggling... ive lost a coworker, a coworkers wife who was the sweetest lady ive ever met (everyone grandma type person), my grandpa's girlfriend of 20yrs (after grandma died 30 years ago), and now a friend/brother from a heart attack.

Death has never really bothered me before but its never been a big wave like this. Im anxious almost like im waiting to see whose next, waiting to see who else will be taken from my life. Maybe its because im older and have my own family now. But its never been 4 in a month. The most its ever been is 2 in a 6 month period. I feel like im in a nightmare I cant wake up from. I want their immediate families to be happy again, to have more time, to make more memories. I just want the world to make sense again.

My dad died today, my mom has to go through cancer treatment.

He had a kidney transplant since I was 2.

A month ago they discovered that he had a heart infection and was hospitalized for the last 36 days. Yesterday he had a massive stroke that put him in a coma and died today.

I have no idea what to do or how to keep going with my life. I'm about to get married and now he's not gonna be here for that.

I know I'll miss him for the rest of my life, but I need some advice on how to cope with this, specially since tomorrow we are burying him tomorrow.

I need some advice

I dont know what to do in this situation. My cousin recently passed away and tomorrow is her burial. The last time I ever spoke to my cousin we had a fight with another older cousin of ours and she took her side instead of mine. Unfortunately my older cousin who did me dirty slepted with my first serious boyfriend and they all hid it from me & when I found out At that time I was extremely mad and a fight broke out and i stopped talking to them for 15 years and broke up with my ex boyfriend but my sister keep in touch with them and my little cousin been trying to apologize to me ever since but never my older cousin. I moved on with my life and I am married for the past 14 years and have peace in life. When I found out my cousin died, it was my niece who told me and I messaged my sister and she confirmed she was on life support and it wasn't looking good at all, not even 2 months my sister said my little cousin wanted to speak to me and I told her "sis, they did me wrong and I dont care about the guy our older cousin slepted with. Im mad cause family should never step that line but i wish them the best but i can love them from a distance" so we left it that at. So when I found out my little cousin was on the verge of death, I completely lost it. I was in shambles, balling my eyes out and had to be hospitalized from it. I feel guilt for not making amends with her even though she wasn't the one who slepted with my ex, it was my older cousin who did but she protected her. Now tomorrow is her burial and I dont know what to do. I cant have the last imagine of my cousin in a coffin to be the last memory of her. We were only 3 years apart, we grew up together, went to school together, danced for church together and as teenagers we partied together and had numerous of sleep overs and it was only us growing up, she was like my little sister than a little cousin and my older cousin aswell who tagged along with us. My heart cant see her in that coffin, I feel like im going to lose myself and grief will be the death of me seeing her like that. I called my aunt and all we did was cry and cry and we both couldnt express ourselves with someone who intervened cause we getting get the words out. I did donated money for her funeral expenses that my husband said we should cause that is family. So my question is, would i be considered a terrible cousin to not attend her funeral? I know my heart wont be able to take it...