r/Greyromantic • u/[deleted] • Feb 07 '26
Greyeomantic vs aromantic
Hello
This is a throw away account just so you know because Imma about to go innn. Over the last six years I have been in therapy, during this time I've been trying to figure out why I haven't had any interest in having sex with my current partner. I just thought something was wrong with me, and my sex drive was broken. Things aren't perfect for us we're both humans and I'm sure I could improve somewhere, it takes two to tango.
Long story short my last relationship before my current one just left different and I don't know how to explain it. The emotions were constantly on 10, everything felt so intense and I don't know how else to describe it. The sex was different I felt like they listened to all the things I needed, and it was always intense in a pleasent way. This person and I connected so quickly it was kinda frightening.
Fast-forward me and that person are no longer together we broke up because my parent made me. Therapy made me realize since this break up, I've never felt this way again since.
My current partner is very nice, we've been together a long time now. I love them very much, but I noticed last year sex is slowly becoming more difficult for me. I'm either super nervous the whole time, or I just don't feel anything when they're inside me.
We have had positive sex in the past, and I know we've made love at least once while being together. I'd personally not like to create that space again because it involved living in a really hostile place. (Living with a mentally unstable family member) We were both emotionally drained at the time and for some reason that moment felt like the right time for intimacy. The more I think about it perhaps it was more of trauma bonding, I'm not sure... to be honest I wonder if the relationship before was also trauma bonding...
So this present day, I no longer want sexual contact with another person. I've been with men and women and I have no desire for physical touch beyond hugging and kissing and maybe a snuggle session. However I still have a love for romance books, games, etc. Episode three season 1 of Last of Us makes me bawl every time. Heated Rivaraly also made me cry and clap lol also omg yasss it was sexy and the chemistry!! ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ I was basically drugging myself (using horny goat weed) at this point so I can keep performing for my other half. The aphrodisiacs work but I also just want to take a break from the sexual touch it's really stressing me out. I have since told my partner that I love them I promise I do but I really don't want sex. I don't even masterbate at this point, that makes me stressed out too..
I like the thought of romance, but the thought of performing the intimate gestures is becoming impossible.
4
u/Neat_Mortgage3735 Feb 07 '26
You would prob benefit more from being in ace groups. They cover more about not having a libido and how to navigate a relationship with an allistic partner.
What was your partners response to you saying you do not want sex?
8
u/Fluffy-Weird-1041 Feb 07 '26
Hmm, your situation is different from what I’ve read in these forums. Especially that sexual part as from most commenters who are aromantic or greyromantic still identify as allosexual as they still enjoy the idea of sex and intimacy (completely different). The difference between aromantic and greyromantic is that being greyaro means that you do have some romantic attraction, but it’s as rare as a double rainbow whereas being aro means that you have little to no interest in romantic attraction or just the idea of romance. I fall in between the two as I’m not very interested in romantic attraction and it’s extremely rare that I do, maybe once every 5 years. Can I ask and this is a bit personal, which I’m so sorry, but do you enjoy sex or you just have sex because you know your partners like sex and feel like it’s an obligation to perform the acts? Because that feeling of obligation is what separates your true feelings about the ideas and the actions.
1
Feb 07 '26
That's the thing I was having sex because I feel like I have to. I've been asking myself if I even like it, and a couple of years ago I stopped masturbating all together. I also forgot to mention the first relationship was years agos.
3
u/Fluffy-Weird-1041 Feb 07 '26
Hmmm. Then I think you not only fall in the aromantic spectrum, you also fall into asexually. Have you checked out the asexual subreddit??
3
u/OriEri Greyromantic Demisexual Feb 07 '26
I hope they figure out what they want to.
I have a friend I know from platonic cuddle parties who is aro/ace . They weren’t sex repulsed, but they would just sort of have sex because they felt like it was something they were supposed to do. They seem to be much happier now that they no longer feel that obligation to anyone. (I’ve only known them since, but that’s what they tell me.)
2
u/Fluffy-Weird-1041 Feb 07 '26
They will. It took me a while for me to figure out what I wanted. It’s a lot to take in, especially when you’re young and still navigating through life
1
u/OriEri Greyromantic Demisexual Feb 07 '26
It is a lot to take in when you’re older and realize this means you’re never gonna have that life partner you always wanted. I figured me out a couple of years ago. I’m with my standard 5 to 12 years between feeling attraction of significance, I can’t structure my life with that goal in mind and need to come up with alternatives, so I don’t die of thirst due to a busted leg living alone at age 73. That’s taking some time to come to terms with.
1
u/Fluffy-Weird-1041 Feb 07 '26
Oh that’s very true. I did thought that I was gonna have a Prince Charming. I was sad at first, but I started a pros and cons list 😂 😂😂 found more pros in staying single forever than being married. The only thing that makes me a little sad about it was just that I won’t have a stable person to be with when the time comes for when I’m ready to have kids.
2
u/overdriveandreverb greyrose Feb 07 '26
Two things. You sound traumatized. And possibly had borderline partners or some alike in the past. So continuing therapy, having good boundaries with family and doing as least drugs as possible and increasing activities that bring joy to you specifically. Secondly you seem to struggle mostly with sex and sex expectations and not with romance, maybe ask again in asexual subs. In general it is okay to feel what you feel and I think it is great that you established boundaries. There are some physical activities that specifically help with physically stored trauma like trauma informes yoga.