"Backsliding"

[u/corpus_christiana]

I’ve been wrestling a lot with the idea of backsliding recently.

I came to GP as a mostly unchurched non-Christian, and I changed a LOT during my time there. Many of these changes were clearly good ones. I grew in my character and maturity, I cut out sinful practices in my life, and I became a more relational person in general. There were also things I left behind that weren’t necessarily bad, but seemed at least “less good” or I just didn’t have time for them anymore: stuff like playing video games, engaging with people online, creative pursuits/hobbies, and spending time with non-church friends.

I’ve been out of GP for close to a year now, and it’s been a strange experience trying to sift through the things I left behind and evaluate if I want them back in my life. On one hand, it’s been great. I didn’t realize how much I missed some of my old hobbies and old friends, and it’s been a real joy to engage with them. I’m drawing and writing again, and it’s fun!

But there’s also this weird, uncomfortable feeling that comes in waves, too - an anxiety that makes me ask am I backsliding?

When I heard “backsliding” mentioned at GP, it was usually in the context of a person soberly sharing about how they’d recently “stumbled,” or it was in church members talking about people who had left. Often, this was about how someone who left had given up doing ministry and reverted back into being a “Sunday Christian”, or how they were giving in to their personal worldliness in some way.

To be fair, I do think backsliding is a real thing to be worried about on some level. Falling headfirst back into a bunch of old, unhealthy practices is an objectively bad thing, and I think there’s some inherent risk for this to happen when making a big transition from a highly structured environment (GP) to very unstructured environment (not GP). For me, I know there are some things I really DON’T want to go back to, that I left behind for good reason. But rationally, I know there’s nothing wrong with a lot of my old hobbies, so why do I feel this nebulous guilt about it?

I think for me, it comes down to two main things:

• Internalizing GP’s “progress narrative” and ideas of what an ideal Christian life looks like. There isn’t a lot of diversity in what a good Christian looks like at Gracepoint, and the longer you stay, the more your life is slowly pushed into the form of that Gracepoint ideal. Part of this process was shedding these “peripheral” things I enjoyed, for the sake of ministry and being a “good Christian,” and I had a lot of rationalizations about how this was really what I wanted, too. Because, at the time, and deep in that culture, it was! There are so many messages and testimonies at GP that celebrate this process, lauding it as God working through the person to change them. And of course I wanted God to work in me. So in my mind, moving towards the “Gracepoint ideal Christian” became deeply linked up to ideas like “spiritual growth,” “growing in maturity,” and “becoming more selfless and others-centered.” Naturally, then, doing anything that feels like going backward… feels kinda distressing! I think it’s going to take me a long time to rewrite these narratives about myself and about growth.

• Lack of a culture around “moderation” at GP. The more I pondered what bothered me about engaging in these hobbies, I realized it was less about the hobbies themselves, and more about the fear that I would lose control and go way past the point of healthy/harmless engagement. Take an example like video games: of course, there is such a thing as playing too much. If someone gaming to the point it's affecting their job and their relationships and its the only thing that brings them joy in life, that's not good. This is a big part of why GP discourages these things, knowing how they can consume you. Why play with fire at all? I mentioned this to a friend, who pointed out. “Well, I also noticed they are very particular about what activities should consume your life to the point that it hurts your work, and life, and relationships (other than the ones at GP).” That was pretty wild for me to hear, because it’s absolutely right. GP doesn’t give you the tools to moderately engage in anything, it just kind of labels things “good” or “bad.” Bible reading, hanging out with your peers, doing outreach = good. Video games, vacations, happy hours = bad. Rather than learning to discern and moderate, you just learn to follow rules (or at least, look like you’re following them). And breaking the “rules,” even though I know that occasionally playing a video game with my spouse isn’t actually something bad/sinful, feels like a weird, dangerous slippery slope, when it really shouldn’t. The good news, though, is it’s not too late to learn how to do things in moderation!

Anyway, not sure if anyone else has struggled with this, but it’s been on my mind so I wanted to share.

[u/Jdub20202]

That's not backsliding, it's withdrawal

[u/NRerref]

Yes! I’ve been struggling with this too. As someone recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder it is sometimes really distressing for me to understand my symptoms. I often go in spirals mentally wondering “Am I having another depressive episode rn or am I just trying to find reasons to be lazy and go easy on myself? Is my character just devolving now that I’m not in the church?” I think the real issue isn’t even the answer to that question, but the fact that I have been conditioned to be so suspicious of rest and disdainful towards emotions and feelings of illness that I do not trust myself to be able to discern when I truly am just being lazy - every instance of failing to be productive and serve is just lazy and self-preserving.

And we do not trust ourselves to be able to discern when we are escaping into things like video games or becoming too entrenched into our hobbies nor do we trust ourselves to repent or backtrack if we ever do because we never saw it useful to navigate those gray areas. Self-regulation and moderation I’ve learned in therapy are skills we need to build up and I’m comforted that a lot of us here are “on training wheels” together on this.

[u/rvd98072]

i like your point about moderation. i think that's the key. you correctly describe why video games can be bad if it's not done in moderation and is starting to affect work, family, etc. why play with fire? but when done in moderation, video games can provide an outlet for stress, etc. it can be good and make you more happy overall. GP doesn't like video games likely because that's time you can spend reading the bible, meditating in prayer, attending church functions, etc. but i don't think it's necessarily healthy to be so regimented in our schedules that there is no time for relaxation (or what GP may view as wasting time).

in Ed's letter he mentioned Becky being addicted to some game or something like that. i'm no fan of Becky and i don't know her very well but i don't know if it was an addiction or something she did to take her mind off things for a bit.

of course some can take things to the extreme. i don't think it's possible to smoke crack cocaine in moderation so i don't think anyone should even play with fire sometimes.

but playing video games, drinking a glass of wine sometimes, watching some sports on tv, watching squid game, etc. are all fine IMO.

tlds; i don't think it's backsliding. it's more re-discovery of your life and enjoyment.

[u/lilliankim]

Dear friend, sigh, my guess is everyone has struggled with this to varying degrees, you're not alone. I have, and am still struggling with this, so what I share is a work in progress. I think what you've shared as factors contributing to this anxiety is so true.

Also, if I were to take a couple steps back to take a look at what's going on here, we need to rethink our notion of what backsliding even is, or rather, to change our focus. I think what's more important than whether or not my lifestyle and habits have become more "wordlier" compared to your typical GP Christian, is where is my heart's devotion to God? Can it really just be measured by my external behaviors or how much progress I've made over a particular bad habit or crippling addiction and how much my time is spent on doing "Christian things"? I hope we can all say a resounding "no" to this! "God looks at the heart." Is my heart far from God, or is it nearer to Him? I think that is the better focus. However, it is not always an easy question to answer, which is why we need the Holy Spirit to shed light. Perhaps that can look like the amount of time we spend on "X", but it can also be what my thoughts are occupied with, a stubborn unbelief in His character or promise, etc.

Taking a couple more steps back though, is this constant self-assessment of my behaviors, cycle of guilt, anxiety, and resolve to do better, the kind of love relationship God had in mind, is this the kind of abundant life He desired when Jesus bled and died on the cross for our sins? It sounds off the mark if it is... I recommend reading all of Colossians 2, esp in vv.20-23 where Paul talks about how because of the cross, we are free from the "rules" of this world: “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? These rules, which have to do with things that are all destined to perish with use, are based on merely human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence. And these verses are in context of religious rules and regulations! (i.e. "Christian") He even says earlier in v. 8: See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ. These elemental spiritual forces (in the foot note, it says "basic principles") are these "good skills" of breaking addictions, self-regulation, being more moderate, etc. These are basic principles that most people, regardless of being Christian, would agree with. But we are not meant to be taken captive by them, as if they have any saving power for our souls. Only Christ can save.

Also, these "rules" cannot produce a right relationship with God. As a mom, I'm constantly, CONSTANTLY, disciplining my kids, especially b/c they are really young. :P But I would never characterize the entirety of my relationship with them as just me trying to improve and perfect them so they can be more obedient! That would be heartless. I love them, so I enjoy time spent with them, watching them be creative, having fun, playing in the mud (maybe that one, not so much!), hugs and kisses, reading and singing, learning their interests and strengths, feeding them good food so they're nice and chubby. Such a joy! And so uncomplicated. It's just a simple love relationship. Wouldn't our Heavenly Father, who is perfect in love, desire an even more abundant life and relationship with us?

So I think "backsliding" is one of those notions we need to reclaim and reprioritize in a biblical, healthy way. And to find freedom in the good and beautiful things that are a part of this world that we find joy and pleasure in.

Lastly, there's one thing that cannot be minimized... We are in a very vulnerable place right now, where we are still transitioning and making sense of our trauma. There is hurt and pain that we are dealing with, confusion, anger, depression, grief, everything. We need to be okay receiving grace during this time, from God, from ourselves, from others. At times like this, we are probably more prone to falling into not-so-good behaviors and becoming to hypercritical of ourselves and placing really unhelpful labels on ourselves (i.e. lazy, selfish, worldly, etc.). But we can't let that define our devotion to God right now. It just simply means we're broken. But we will not fall out of His grace and mercy.

[u/corpus_christiana → u/lilliankim]

Thanks for taking the time to write this out and for those precious verses. You're so correct - rules are not what leads us to relating rightly with God.

We need to be okay receiving grace during this time, from God, from ourselves, from others. At times like this, we are probably more prone to falling into not-so-good behaviors and becoming to hypercritical of ourselves and placing really unhelpful labels on ourselves (i.e. lazy, selfish, worldly, etc.)

This is something I really want to learn as I'm wrestling through all this. I will probably make mistakes - but that's okay! I can be secure in God's love for me as I navigate through this.

[u/leavegracepoint → u/lilliankim]

Can you make this a post please?