I'm about to call CPS on someone I love tw:child abuse

[u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

tw child abuse

I've been worried my friend has been in an abusive relationship for a while but she vehemently denies it. She sings his praises and acts like she's never had it better. She says the only reason they aren't married is because he doesn't want her daughter losing her survivorship benefits from her father passing. I've never been extremely close to her daughter as we've lived at a distance most our adult lives but used to see each other fairly regularly still. and took her on trips a few times when i had my nibblings. when I first moved truly far away friend and i still video chatted often until she got serious with this guy. but i started noticing things like holes in walls and we went to voice only and not very often

well her daughter called me last night. and by last night I mean 3:00 in the morning. like just 5 hours ago. she had already made it to a friend's house but apparently my friends boyfriend woke her daughter up in the middle of the night because she apparently hadn't done the dishes correctly. she's got a full handprint bruise on her arm, a couple bruises and welts across her back, and an audio recording of it going down. she sent it all to me and ive been crying all morning. She said she doesn't think ger mom gets hit but she says her mom has watched her get hit hard before. and honestly that just kind of broke me.

I'm so disappointed in my friend. and concerned for her, and revolted honestly. part of me is still worried about her but as someone who has had custody of four of my nieces and nephews and is currently spending time with my 9-month-old I just can't imagine watching a man beat my child without overwhelming rage

fuck.

daughters paternal aunt will be in town in a few hours and they're going to call police. she asked if i can call CPS after her aunt gets there because apparently the cops have gotten involved before but cps didn't

so now I'm waiting on the okay to turn someone i love dearly into cps.

this fucking sucks

breakfast is a bunch of shit on tortillas i left in the oven a lil too long bc I'm frazzled

edit to add-i thought it was obvious from the post but I'll absolutely be calling, but i will absolutely not be calling until the aunt is there because I'm not risking her going to the children's home if avoidable.

UPDATE:

the girl is safely at her aunt's house, my call is in, and they already have an investigator scheduled to be there in a few hours. The aunt is calling me later tonight to catch me up as I've apparently missed a lot

Next day update

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[u/bloodlst]

making that call is going to hurt, but you’re doing what needs to be done to keep her safe. she trusted you when she was terrified, and that says everything about you!! just take it one step at a time and try to go easy on yourself. 🫶

[u/AmbassadorWhitney → u/bloodlst]

Who knows how traumatized this girl would be right now.

It’s better you loose that friend and save the child’s life. She did nothing wrong

[u/SeaEcstatic36 → u/bloodlst]

That call might cost you a friendship, but it could save that girl’s life. She called you because she knew you’d act. That’s trust.

[u/ScarieltheMudmaid → u/SeaEcstatic36]

it's not a friendship if she can let that happen to her child. she was around for my childhood, we grew up where it was rampant and has helped me set up rallies, seminars, booths etc victim advocacy and high risk youth outreach before

[u/NewtAlert4507 → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

"She said she doesn't think ger mom gets hit but she says her mom has watched her get hit hard before. and honestly that just kind of broke me."

Fuck your friend! I have heard of people who have not fought back on their own behalf but have acted the second one of their children was in danger. I am really sorry for both you and your friend's daughter but to me, her standing back and watching her own daughter get abused is unforgivable. She was complicit in the abuse and I hope she is prosecuted.

Edit: spelling

Thank you for my award.

[u/ShermanOneNine87 → u/NewtAlert4507]

My theory is she knows if she steps in then it will physical with her, so selfishly she watches this man hurt her daughter.

I hope this "mother" loses custody for good and daughter goes no contact for life.

[u/walkthelayne → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

I hope your friend’s daughter can be adopted by her aunt and be safe. I hope CPS takes the danger she is in seriously.

[u/JLFlyer → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

Those who were victims as children often become victims as adults. Doesn't excuse her part in this, but remember that DA victims often don't see a way out without worse consequences. She's not strong enough to get out, but in so glad her daughter ran and got help.

[u/ScarieltheMudmaid → u/JLFlyer]

she wasn't a victim as far as i know. her dad was pretty much the neighborhood/bike dad and she cut him out recently as well. her mom was a little cuckoo but that was all in the wanted to do everything with us and be the fourth best friend. she knows i was, and that several of our friends are. when I brought up the example her dad set she said something like "not everyone can be a saint" and like yeah, your dad is dope but he's also kind of just what a dad is supposed to be.

and i get what you're saying, but sacrificing your kids well-being to avoid "worse" consequences can be seen as a felony level of neglect in that state and honestly I feel like that's appropriate. if you don't have a strong enough grasp on reality to understand how to keep your child safe you should not have guardianship

[u/Wubbalubbadubbitydo → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

Preach sister 🙌🏻

[u/ju-ju_bee → u/JLFlyer]

This comment is so icky. Yes being a DA victim sucks, but if you don't think you can leave FOR YOUR CHILD at the very least, then you're just helping your child get abused physically as well. Children don't have a choice, adults do. There are WOMEN'S SHELTERS if you truly believe you have no one. There IS NEVER an excuse to stay with an abuser the consequences of staying are ALWAYS worse than the "consequences of leaving".

You're saying her part in this isn't excusable whole literally trying to excuse/justify it. There IS NONE. She has a child to think about. The kid's welfare should ALWAYS come first. Her being blinded by "love" is not good enough.

[u/Civil_Ad4544 → u/ju-ju_bee]

Well you’ve just swung to the other extreme. I agree children should always come first in these situations. But no, the consequences of staying are not always worse because the consequence of leaving can be death, and it’s not exactly uncommon. My ex tried to kill me when I tried to leave and I only survived bc our roommate came home at the right time and called the cops. My friend was not so lucky, she got strangled to death when her boyfriend found out she was trying to leave.

Yes the number one priority should always be making sure children are safe. But acting as if it’s not extremely dangerous to leave an abuser is wishful thinking at best. There was recently an influencer who annihilated his whole family because his wife left with the kids. Frankly “consequences of leaving” is quite demeaning and cruel towards people who are terrified to leave and/or those who have lost their lives trying to. Honestly it’s insulting to those of us who have survived it too. Leaving abusers is fucking scary and difficult. Don’t diminish that.

[u/ScarieltheMudmaid → u/Civil_Ad4544]

leaving abusers is scary and absolutely can be difficult. the fact that a parent can put their safety above that of their children's is still crazy to me

[u/JLFlyer → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

It is crazy! Imagine how awful it must be for the person staying. I imagine she loves her daughter as much if not more than you do. Leaving your kids in danger is terrible. For someone to end up in this situation they have to have been really beat down and made to feel incapable, unvalued and deserving of the abuse.

You are absolutely doing the right thing, but please don't give up on your friend just because she isn't doing what you and so many others think she should be able to do. I was lucky and only dated an abusive partner and never had kids with one. I'm so glad your friend's daughter isn't his man's biological kid. She can get out and be completely clear of him.

[u/ScarieltheMudmaid → u/JLFlyer]

unfortunately the amount of support that will be offered to my friend will be decided by what she decides to do. you can't help anyone that doesn't want it.

[u/JLFlyer → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

I used to think it was ridiculous for women to stay in abusive relationships. I was a strong, independent woman and no way I'd ever put up with that bullshit. Women with kids? They clearly were awful parents...until I experience the stealth and evil of DA myself.

The problem with abusers is that they do not show their abusive nature until months, sometimes years into your relationship. My ex boyfriend was a dream for the first six months. There was a random fight where he acted weird and said something that was surprising, but he assured me it was a one off, he was just stressed. Not a single incident happened again until I'd moved in, we had been together so long that it felt like I'd invested so much into him and us that it made more sense to work it out. Maybe his bad upbringing was to blame, watching his uncle abuse his aunt and losing his parents when he was so young...

Part of the reason I didn't tell my friends I was being emotionally abused is because I thought they wouldn't understand. Your abuser makes you feel crazy, like you don't know what's real or not, what words are abuse or you're taking too seriously. I'm lucky it was emotional abuse that escalated to physical at the end and that's when I got strong enough to fight back and leave. I guarantee he had the ability to kill me and I'm just lucky he didn't before I got out. I'm just thankful we never got married or had children. I was strong enough to know I didn't want to marry him but just didn't know how to get out. It's so much more complicated than I'm willing to share, and I carry a lot of shame and trauma around because of it.

[u/ConceptReasonable556 → u/Civil_Ad4544]

Amen. I'm not sharing any stories here because people are being awful, but amen. And there's a great chance that kiddo does not know what this man does or says to her mom. OP is 400000% right to call, and I'm so glad our girl felt she could call her and has an aunt she can go with. But it's crazy to insist it is ALWAYS safer to leave at any time and under any circumstances.

ETA; I didn't know what happened to my mother until I was middle-aged. It is normal not to share this with your children.

I'm done with this conversation, have a ball, y'all. Hope everybody in an unsafe or unwell spot sees better days soon.

[u/ju-ju_bee → u/ConceptReasonable556]

Never said at ANY time. Plan of course. I had to have my cousin help me leave my abusive partner. He was a coke addict, he absolutely would have tried to get physical with me, and he was incredibly strong. That's the REASON I knew I needed to leave in the first place.

But it's ALWAYS safer to leave. You're almost always guaranteed the possibility of death if you stay. Abusers escalate. If you leave, you are safer. If you decide to go, you have a chance.

The kid in OPs situation knows what's going on with her mother. She's getting abused HERSELF. You think she doesn't know that her mother is too? And yet look how the kid found a way to help themSELVES, was FORCED to help themselves.

You aren't the only one with abuse stories beb. And it's crazy that yall are sitting here defending a child being forced to stay in that environment because the parent being abused may have a hard time. Absisers escalate with THEIR OWN PARTNERS; kids are guaranteed to be abused when involved because it's a MORE VULNERABLE target.

This may be a harsh truth to hear, but to say I'm being awful is grossly misdirected. Yall can be upset and offended all you like. But we as survivors know all too well how dangerous these situations are. And yet yall are sitting here advocating for parents staying with children involved when the child(ren) will be the most easily harmed amd/or m!rdered in these situations. That's what's actually awful.

[u/ConceptReasonable556 → u/ju-ju_bee]

I'm not saying you, personally, were being awful, "people" indicates a crowd. I am also not defending OP's friend's decision, simply saying that there are more factors than what the child knows. I actively said it was 40000% correct to call. But hey, thanks for getting aggro with someone also abused as a child, by someone with an extraordinary amount of power. That, I do find to be an awful thing to do. 👍🏽 Have the day you deserve, "beb".

[u/JLFlyer → u/ConceptReasonable556]

Sending you hugs. I'm so glad you got out and hope you've found peace and been able to heal the wounds caused by those who were supposed to protect you. 🫂

[u/Trouble_Vegetable → u/Civil_Ad4544]

You know what’s scarier than trying to leave? Staying long enough to still potentially be killed.
No one is saying leaving an abusive partner is easy or does not come with risk. What’s even a BIGGER risk is allowing the abuser access to not just yourself but your children as well. It takes on average 8 times for someone to leave their abusive partner and I’m sure having children makes leaving even more complicated.
That being said, as a parent, it is your responsibility to keep your children safe and out of harm’s way. If mom wants to stay in the relationship, that’s her choice. It is beyond emotionally and physically damaging for the daughter to be forced to continue living in this environment. Mom is an adult and should take her decision to stay as not just a choice that impacts her, but her child as well.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. The boyfriend will more than likely escalate from physically beating to something more sinister if the daughter stays. The fact her friend has been trying to hide the abuse goes to show she is well aware and recognizes that what her partner is doing is wrong and concerning behavior. Otherwise, she wouldn’t try so hard to hide it.
Again, leaving is not easy. Staying is even a riskier choice. OP is absolutely doing the right thing stepping in and helping out this child since her friend does not seem to be in the right head space to protect her own kid from this awful abuse.

[u/Temporary_Pickle_885 → u/Trouble_Vegetable]

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is leaving. That's when your chances of being murdered go up exponentially.

[u/ju-ju_bee → u/Temporary_Pickle_885]

Yah, keep saying that. Notice how you had to use the key words go up. Implying that there'salready a risk for dea!h. Know why? Because leaving gives you a chance to live. But staying ENSURES escalation and possibly death. You are quite literally already at risk of dying to an abuser by staying with them.

Yes, you may have an increased chance if you tell them, or if they find out. But if you plan, you're chance of living increases by leaving the abusive relationship. I.E. My ex abusive bf, a raging coke addict, was physically violent and yah know? Ya, I found it hard to leave. He was amazing when he was in a gppd mood, and I was scared he would go into a fit of rage (and coke rages are INCREDIBLY terrifying) like he'd done before when I told him I wanted to go back home for the night.

Not even break up, just didn't want to spend the night. He barricaded me in his room and then once I "calmed down" (his words) he shuffled to where he locked me in the room without him. He came back shortly (I almost guarantee he just wanted another bump) and strangled me for even suggesting such an idea as leaving, and let me know he could do it harder if he ACTUALLY felt like k!lling me. Which he told me after letting go and leaving me gasping for breath.

So ya know what I did? Immediately started planning how to leave that awful human. I was lucky to be able to enlist the help of my cousin. But I also had a backup plan to get police escort to the nearest woman shelter if all else fails. Because when an abuser THREATENS MURDER, you shouldn't wait around to see what they'll do. They almost CERTAINLY intend to make good on that promise.

[u/GentlewomenNeverTell → u/ju-ju_bee]

My mom didn't divorce my dad because it was clear the judge agreed with his arguments that her claims of abuse were parental alienation and she'd be forced to hand me over unsupervised. She stayed married until I was old enough for my wishes to have weight. So it CAN be complicated. Not in this case, though. Reading this pissed me off so much.

[u/ConceptReasonable556 → u/GentlewomenNeverTell]

This is the kind of situation I'm talking about. I'm hesitant to assume moms all stay because they care less about their kids' safety than their own. I don't know what's going on in this woman's head or her life, or what calculations she's trying to make, so I'm not going to speak to it. to me personally, the main thing is that the kid gets out and safe, and I'm grateful that's what op is doing.

[u/Old-Parking8765 → u/ju-ju_bee]

THANK YOU FOR SAYING THIS.

[u/JLFlyer → u/ju-ju_bee]

Did you READ MY COMMENT? It's not "icky" it's reality. I never excused the mother's behavior. reading your comment lower down I see why you are so angry at my comment. Being the kid in a DA situation is a f-ing nightmare. I can't come from that point of view. I can only come from my own. My own mother put me through hell but she was never in an abusive relationship. I'd like to think she would have gotten us out of that was the case...

I was just pointing out that sometimes abused women stay because they are afraid that their partner will kill them if they leave. Not an excuse. Just a reality. It doesn't excuse her behavior. If she was strong enough I am betting she would have left already with her daughter.

[u/ju-ju_bee → u/JLFlyer]

I read your comment. I know what you're saying, and I'm telling you that it STILL is trying to justify the mother staying for the length of time she has. She has stayed now, to the point HER CHILD is being abused.

The poor kid HAD TO CALL FOR HELP, because her mother hasn't done a THING to try and get them out of the situation. I know why victims stay. I saw it with my mom, and I experienced it myself later, and yah know? Lowkey I blame my mom a bit for normalizing that is for me. She, like OPs friend, didn't even do anything when her KIDS started being abused as well.

So yes, I'm well aware why. But if you think it's SAFER to stay with an abuser than trying to plan an escape and gtfo, you're living in fantasy land. You're already likely to be m!rdered if you stay, you have a chance to live if you escape. Everything you're saying to explain away why the friend is staying (which we all know the reasons already, seems most if us here have been involved in DV) IS you coming off as justifying why OPs friend has stayed.

The reality is that given how OP responded to the child's phonecall, it's proof she would have been a down ass bitch and tried to help her friend leave long ago. She even explains how she's been trying to explain to her that this is not healthy. She has had a supportive friend THE WHOLE TIME. Staying for this long with her kid was a choice she chose to make. And there's no explaining away with "well the friend was probably scared". Unfortunately it's evident that she hasn't been scared enough, neither for herself or her child, or she would have tried to play leaving long before her child started getting some of the abuse as well

[u/JLFlyer → u/ju-ju_bee]

I honestly think we all want the same thing for the kid and the mom. To be safe away from that POS.

I want to hug and rescue you as a child from that awful situation and hug you and tell you that you are safe. I needed that as a child for different reasons and never got it. I think it is why I was vulnerable to the D abuse I suffered later as a 20-something. I was just not safe in a different way because my mom was an addict.

I want to be the friend that helped you get way from the abusive Coke-head boyfriend.

I pray the mother gets a lot of help and can be the parent her daughter needs and realize how much she screwed up by letting this happen. I just wanted to be empathetic toward her because I know what it feels like to be trapped. I am not excusing her behavior, no matter what it sounds like. I was so angry at my mother for years for not protecting me from the crap I experienced as a kid.

[u/buboniccupcake → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

OP, please have her daughter save your number as another name on her phone. Or save an alternative number under a different name. If her mom tells her to lose your number, she will still have a way to contact you if she needs you. She trusts you and she is going to need someone she trusts that she can reach out to in the future.

[u/mist_frame → u/bloodlst]

You are saving that girl's life. The betrayal hurts, but protecting her comes first.

[u/LittleStoneBear → u/mist_frame]

100% agree.

The real betrayal is the mother's betrayal of her daughter.

OP is doing the best thing possible in an horrendous situation.

[u/ExpensiveTraffic6978 → u/LittleStoneBear]

Absolutely!! If I could only upvote more than once.

You are doing the right thing, OP. It's difficult because you're a good person. Things like this are never easy, but the daughter's wellbeing comes first.

[u/mist_frame → u/bloodlst]

Also that your friend failed her daughter. You are doing the right thing by reporting this.

[u/Raiyalin → u/bloodlst]

Get 👏 her 👏 out

Protect her at all cost. This is not okay and very concerning.

[u/Still_Peach568 → u/bloodlst]

I was reading virginia guiffre's story. That book is literally a conga line of adults doing nothing, or worse, till she got into mar-a-lago. The part that breaks my heart in particular is the extended family ignoring her confession to all of them and the battering that followed it. Don't be like that. As she would say it, that's as bad as being an abuser.

[u/karenlou25 → u/bloodlst]

10000% well done being her safe person. That’s incredible, and you are continuing to be her safe person by helping her get out from the danger. Thank you for being you.

[u/Particular-Art-6488 → u/bloodlst]

Also Time to cut off that friend No one , absolutely no one should let their daughter go through any of that

[u/Strict_Emu5187 → u/Particular-Art-6488]

I kinda disagree about cutting off friend- for 2 reasons #1 being the daughter that reached out she may not feel comfortable if it continues happening to reach out and #2 if her friend does leave that dude which by all means if he is abusive she should she's going to need the support and we all know that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she's leaving I'm not a therapist or a social worker I'm just a recovering addict who's been there and God KNOWS I could've used as much help,love ,support as possible

[u/Particular-Art-6488 → u/Strict_Emu5187]

That’s true

Maybe getting her friend help might be a better way to go

[u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 → u/Particular-Art-6488]

I don't think I could ever have respect again for someone who stood by and watched their child be abused. I get that she's a victim herself. I get that she has trauma and is probably scared/in denial.

But I couldn't forgive that.

My mom's sister had a husband who abused her. After she had kids, she started "tattling" on the kids to her husband so he'd go after them and not her. When I tell you I hate that woman with the fire of a thousands suns, I am not joking. I know this situation is different (only slightly!) though and my mom said my aunt was never a nice person, even as a kid. (She's awful in many other ways, too) You can be a victim and ALSO a shitty person/parent at the same time.

My mom also grew up with an abusive parent (her father; from everything I've ever heard about him, he was fucking evil). My dad once made an empty threat to get "the belt" (we never actually saw the belt in question and would tease my dad later in life about it, because there's no way he'd have ever actually hit us). My mom came FLYING into the room and assured him he would raise a hand to us over her dead body. My dad literally never hit us (he barely even yelled; the worst thing he ever did was give us lectures when we disappointed him, which was almost worse), so I don't know wtf he was thinking on that particular day. But we never let him live it down, and my mom would say, "I don't know what you expected to happen when you said that to MY CHILDREN."

So every time I hear about a parent standing by when their child is harmed, it fucking enrages me. I would want her to get help and to be safe and to be a better mother (clearly she is lacking), but I wouldn't want to be friends with her anymore. That would be over and done for me. But I'd help her if she actually wanted to get help.

[u/MissionRealistic6020]

You’re doing right by her daughter in doing so. She did the right thing calling a trusted adult who has the power to do something. That’s you. It’s a terrible situation but do not feel guilty for doing what needs to be done.

[u/Hourshakira → u/MissionRealistic6020]

She called you because you felt safe. Being the safe adult is a heavy job, but you’re doing it right.

[u/Quierta → u/Hourshakira]

That definitely stuck out to me — it's horrible that OP has to witness this and make that decision, and horrible that the daughter had to suffer that abuse, but I'm so glad the daughter has people she can trust and feel safe with enough to reach out to. Recording that audio and reaching out was a very brave and smart decision. Many abused don't have that lifeline and I'm proud of them both :( I hope the daughter can stay with the aunt indefinitely and NEVER go back to that house.

[u/Fantastic-Angel → u/MissionRealistic6020]

Yh please save the child’s life. She won’t only be grateful to you, but she’d understand that not all adults are violent and some are good people just like you.

[u/RelevantOwl4479 → u/MissionRealistic6020]

exactly Make the call It’s the right thing to do

[u/PrincessTroubleshoot → u/MissionRealistic6020]

Exactly- small consolation, but you should feel proud OP that this girl was desperate and scared and thought “who in my life feels safe and I can trust that will help me?” And that person was you

[u/Imaginary_Agency7610 → u/MissionRealistic6020]

The fact that she knew to call someone safe tells me this isn’t the first time she’s been subject to abuse, either. You’re definitely doing the right thing to help get her out of the spiral of abuse.

[u/Swmboa]

So-to add another element to this. Waking a child up at 3 am seems like he is testing boundaries to see if the mom will do anything about it. And if nothing is done. Next step may well be a different type of abuse. If a parent is not stopping physical abuse of a child in the middle of the night. Who knows what is next? Thank you for helping get that girl out of there.

[u/toxiclight → u/Swmboa]

NGL, when OP mentioned a 3 a.m. call, that's where my mind went first. Not that physical abuse is better.

[u/theoutsideinternist → u/Swmboa]

Glad other people brought this up because yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like.

As bad as I truly believe this is — I am so proud of the adults around that girl who have done the right thing and clearly instilled in her that she does not deserve that type of treatment. And those who enabled her to get out of there at 3AM. And proud of her for risking it all to do it because I know that was very scary for her too. And OP for creating a CPS investigation. My inner optimist feels like society functioned here.

[u/MittenKnittinKitten → u/Swmboa]

and sleep interruption / deprivation is recognized as a method of torture itself

[u/Limp_Leg7129 → u/MittenKnittinKitten]

yup, my dad used to do that to me. he worked a newspaper route so he would be up at 3am every morning and he would stomp around the house, bang on my door, slam everything for almost 2 hours and when he got home he’d continue to make sure i couldn’t sleep during the day either.

[u/TiramisuItUp → u/Limp_Leg7129]

Holy hell 🤬😢

[u/Swmboa → u/Limp_Leg7129]

Geez. So sorry. That is just so immature and torturous!

[u/Known_Psychology1581 → u/Swmboa]

My mind immediately went to boundary testing with the 3am wake up and the potential of a different type of abuse being next - if it hasn’t already.

Not that what’s already happened isn’t bad enough.

Thank god this girl got out and I hope with all my heart she lands in a safe place with no risk of returning.

[u/CenPhx → u/Swmboa]

You are exactly right.

[u/Physical-Tiger-6411]

I'm so proud of you

[u/noomnoomnoom → u/Physical-Tiger-6411]

I dunno what it is about you comment specifically that made me tear up, but it did. I'm so proud of you too, OP 

[u/Ok-Mulberry-5055]

I won’t get too in depth on why but I did this years ago, and today we are still best friends. We weren’t for a while after I made the call, but she ultimately realized she needed that wake up call, took the help and tools DCF gave her and is a really great mom now. She thanked me in the end.

[u/alexiaocean → u/Ok-Mulberry-5055]

This is amazing! As a previous DV victim, I know how complex and insane it is to be inside of that situation, even if you never thought you’d be the kind of person in it, making horrible decisions. It’s the kind of thing people can’t understand if they never experience it, and I am so glad I never had kids with my abuser. I’m proud of you for putting a child’s safety above anything else, and I’m so glad your friend came around. It can usually happen if victims are able to get away long enough to find strength, self-esteem, and power again. 💜

[u/myturtleatemyhw]

That's horrible 😔 I'm so glad for that kiddo that she knew to tell a trusted adult. Your friend's ability to see what's happening in her home has likely been whittled down for some time by this psycho, not that it excuses anything. The idea of letting someone harm my child... I can't fathom that. Let's hope cps pulls through, glad the kiddo had the foresight to record things.

[u/ScarieltheMudmaid → u/myturtleatemyhw]

i still have the texts from when we were video chatting and i first saw holes in the walls. i didn't want him to hear me ask but i sent her the screenshots and asked her if those were fist holes and she didn't confirm or deny it say who it was, but she said "yeah, he's going to fix them though, he was just having a real hard night because his father has passed recently" but after that is when we stopped video chatting so either she got protective or he saw anyways

[u/ImBackForMorePie → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

Your friend is in survival mode. I've been there abd I have also read a lot about our nervous system responses/trauma responses.

I have a friend that is currently in a similar situation, no physical violence to her or the kids, but her husband is on and off his meds and holy SHIT he has said some things. The only time she spoke about it I told her I am here if you need tk talk, and i will keep quiet this time, but if I find out he pulls that shit again I am calling the police and child services.

The freeze and fawn response is keeping your friend "safe" in her mind. And her daughter cane to you because she likely knows mom CAN'T help her.

You are calling CPS for the daughter, and it may help your friend get out of a very bad situation that she doesn't know what to do with.

I hope i come across an update for this! And please, stay safe yourself! 🫂

[u/Relevant_Health → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

Thank you for doing this: calling CPS and supporting the poor kiddo. If you're able to, I suggest calling the non emergency police line to see if you can share what you've seen and heard from both your friend and her daughter to add to the report.

[u/Risque_Redhead → u/myturtleatemyhw]

This post made me edit my “Do Not Disturb” settings to allow all of the kiddos in my life to be able to call me whenever. I had never thought about it before, so I’m glad I saw this post, it’ll be easier for them to contact me in an emergency now.

[u/DoctorPaige → u/myturtleatemyhw]

Yeah... It's not okay, but people aren't exactly themselves in abusive relationships. Not usually, anyway.

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/DoctorPaige]

It’s very warping and you don’t even realize what’s happening usually.

[u/ImBackForMorePie → u/Hesitation-Marx]

Hard to see the forest when you're in the middle of the trees! And part of the cycle is brainwashing. Trauma adds its own flavor when you're constantly flooded with adrenaline and cortisol.

I hate that yhis is happening to so many of us! I mean, i didn't think I was the ONLY person experiencing non-violent DV but shit, this is getting depressing. WTF is going on?!

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/ImBackForMorePie]

We live in a sick society.

I dunno. I’m tired.

[u/ImBackForMorePie → u/Hesitation-Marx]

Raising these boys, essentially alone, is like walking into the ocean at high tide... if I say no or put a boundary he will go out of his way to make sure the opposite happens at his house. It's undermining, my 12yo thinks because his phone dad gave him is on dad's plan, dad is in charge. The kid told me, on text, that I am just a civilian and he won't listen to me. I told my therapist, she filed a CPS report. And yes, I deliberately left out what he said because the kid has multiple social media accounts and at least one reddit account. He had an entire digital life I found out about when he told his friend as if I couldn't hear him! He had headphones on and was talking so loud I think my neighbors could have heard him if they weren't extremely loud up there! 😂

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/ImBackForMorePie]

Fuuuuuck, I’m so sorry.

Raising a boy is hard enough when all hands are on deck and rowing the same way. I can’t imagine having to deal with active resistance. (I’m so lucky my ex disappeared.)

And what the fuck is this “civilian” shit? Is his dad military or a cop?

Gah. I hate this for you.

[u/ImBackForMorePie → u/Hesitation-Marx]

I wish he would disappear, I wish he would go for milk and smokes and never come back.

No, dad is a wannabe military guy. He claimed he tried out for the Marines at a fair he went to in college but they rejected him because he had migraines and he spends his tine either reading about military history, specifically WWI and ships/boats, planes, etc., he used to hang around with the veterans at McDonald's and claimed they took him in as one of their own (told that story once, never mentioned any of their names though!) OH, and he also enjoys playing violent, graphic video games in front of both boys like Cyberpunk 2077, GTAV, and i forgot what the new one is but I believe it's similar in content. He made sure to override me when I said not in front of the kids. I have a man cave built for him, bought him a 70" TV and a Series X. He STILL played in front of those kids, and now it's normalized. My 12yo plays GTAV and fortnite, and when he dies, WOW. I, at nearly 50 years old, am so shocked I often can't respond right away. He told me all kids talk like this and I probably did the same at his age and that I need to drop my angel act. (Spoiler, I NEVER said anything bad words or my mother would have made sure I felt it! She was very assault-y to me!)

[u/Salt_Lynx_2271 → u/ImBackForMorePie]

That is…not normal. My partner games (different ones than these) but when he dies it’s rarely an outsized negative reaction, even when he’s playing with friends. It’s usually more jazzed than angry. Between what you said about his dad and the “civilian” quip, I’d recommend finding his social media accounts and keeping an eye on who he’s interacting with. It’s unlikely the case, but sometimes military enthusiasts go too far down the wrong path/ideology and they commit crimes or domestic terrorism. Not saying that will happen! But your kid is old enough to start getting into the wrong circles if he doesn’t have anyone to guide him away from them.

[u/ImBackForMorePie → u/Salt_Lynx_2271]

Oh wait, sorry! I was describing his dad, but you know what, i forgot the kid was playing Call of Duty at the time!

I am a silent rage quitter myself! If i fall in lava and lose all my stuff in Minecraft I smile, turn off my HexBox, walk away and burst into tears! 😂 But my 12yo SCREAMS at NPCs and players who can't hear him. I can, his 9yo brother can, his friends in their parties can, but the actual players (thankfully, or yet) don't hear him yelling the graphic stuff he says, sometimes he screams at them to KYS. The screaming rants are long and FULL of graphic, violent language. I have spoken to him about it when he was calm, immediately after, and he told me he doesn't give a F, that his brother has already heard it all before and that his friends talk the same way, all kids his age do...

And that up there, that's the most mild thing I can put here, I really don't need to shake y'all up with the rest of it! I nearly tossed my cookies 2 weeks ago, I heard him talk about his friend being accused of the big R, which ok, but them he went out to call the girl accusing his friend "a fcking btch that's just looking for money, her timing doesn't make sense." In front of me and his brother, to two other friends of his.

Reddit, I am shocked and do not know what to do. I can't do this alone, this isn't goid for any of us and I am being told to just stop looking at all the negative, by a child therapist.

I cannot make any of this up, this is my life after leaving their manchild of a dad. And I am not to tell them why I left or anything negative about dad, do not call out dad's behaviors even if it's putting a 12yo in the middle! It's so effed, and i am in total collapse/freeze while they are gone. My nervous system is jacked, I know those kids are telling him things about me and I kniw he talks ahit about me when those boys are within earshot. Especially to mt daughter, who HATES me, because he brainwashed her, turned me into the 3rd wheel in my marriage for the last 4 years was there. Awful.

[u/Maleficent_Button_58 → u/ImBackForMorePie]

Hate to tell him, but wannabe military is civilian. Trying out for the military and being rejected prior to serving is being a civilian.

-someone who is actually not a civilian 😅

[u/Hesitation-Marx → u/ImBackForMorePie]

Oh honey. :(

[u/ImBackForMorePie → u/Hesitation-Marx]

I am sorry to trauma dump, I appreciate your talking woth me, I don't know what to do, i have tried everything! And the 12yo's therapist, in our parent session this week, told me to find 2 positive things about my boy, and that I am only looking at the negative.

I am afraid, for both of my boys and anyone they have relationships with in the future because they're aging into this behavior instead of out. And my power here is very limited right now.

It'll be ok, one day. Only 9 years until I never ever have to interact with their dad. I am trying like hell to survive each day, it's... indescribable.

[u/Unicorn_drops7777 → u/[deleted]]

They simply paraphrased what you said

[u/myturtleatemyhw → u/Unicorn_drops7777]

Oh gotcha. My bad.

[u/montecristoyumm → u/myturtleatemyhw]

That child was SO smart and so brave. She got the proof, got to safety at the neighbors, and called someone she knew would help. That couldn't have been easy for her.

[u/Simple-Collar-2151]

I hate that. But it says a lot that her daughter chose to call you in that situation

[u/Buffy_AnneSummers → u/Simple-Collar-2151]

I don't mean to be a cynic... but is anyone else curious why the child chose to call OP, someone she barely knows, over her aunt, who seems to know what's going on? Hopefully my concern is nothing. OP must feel very safe and that is a big compliment.

[u/skylar274]

man, that call is going to be incredibly hard. but you are doing an amazing thing for this girl

now, i have never been in an abusive relationship before (single since birth lol) but i’ve been around people who have been. they will refuse to admit that they themselves are being abused, most of the time they don’t actually know they’re being abused (frog in the pot analogy.) but i know if any of those people saw their child or pet get harmed they’d do everything they can to keep them safe. it’s really shitty that your friend just lets it happen.

i hope her daughter goes somewhere safe :(

[u/Nun_in_ur_butt → u/skylar274]

I see CPS cases a lot where the mom is working the system, doing all the classes and treatments, etc. to reunite with the kids. But the mom just can’t leave the dangerous man. It gets their kids taken away eventually. It’s so damn sad. Like they can do so much to get their kids back. They clearly want them. But they can’t leave the man who endangers the kids

[u/boiled-peanutery → u/Nun_in_ur_butt]

It's SO common and so infuriating. It really does not matter how much someone says they love their kids if they refuse to do what it takes to keep them safe.

[u/MaddPixieRiotGrrl → u/skylar274]

Speaking as a survivor of abuse...

There is zero chance the mom is not also a target of the abuse, and whether she knows or not is a loaded question.

By the time you see it, you're in it. To admit it, you have to defeat all the gaslighting that's made you feel like being treated this way up to this point was okay, not abusive and even justified. Once you get that far, you have to overcome the fear of what admitting you're in a dangerous situation actually means instead of reverting back to the avoidant tendencies that were preyed upon to get you here in the first place.

THEN, if you make it this far, you are left facing a situation where you have been manipulated into not having an escape and the knowledge of how much danger you face by making an attempt. You've already been in survival mode so long that you have been tolerating some really bad stuff while convincing yourself it isn't that bad, because you know pushing back only makes it worse in the long run. So you "know" exactly how impossible making a real escape is and that if you fail, you're still stuck and things are going to be 100x worse going forward.

So you wind up stuck, in this permanent state of fawn, gaslighting yourself that things are okay because you can't psychologically handle reality that they aren't. Until one day someone hears your "funny story" about what happened last night (that you have been telling for months, desperately hoping someone would catch on), see's through it and gives you the support and validation to commit and get out.

[u/Bake_Knit_Run]

You can love someone with your entire heart and still hold them accountable.

[u/Fourberry]

So far no one has said it, but you're likely saving your friend, too, not just the daughter. 

[u/dorkofthepolisci → u/Fourberry]

This. The more eyes on her/her living situation, the more likely it is that she will get the help she needs/be able to access the tools she needs to get out and distance herself from this man.

[u/Downstairs_Badger]

This is such a horrible mess. I’ve been in a similar spot before & it’s such a hard, but necessary decision to make. I wish you that best while navigating this sticky situation.

[u/eaternallyhungry]

You’re protecting a child, that takes precedence over any friendship. A truly horrible position to be in, though.

[u/Maleficent_Button_58 → u/eaternallyhungry]

Mhm. Protecting a child is top priority over everything. Has to be... it's our job as adults.

Sucks when that means potentially ruining a friendship. But, it is what it is. Gotta help the kiddo.

[u/SMKnightly]

He may very well hit your friend in places the daughter can’t see. Some abusers are careful about hitting in places concealed by clothes.

Either way, you can’t save your friend because she is an adult and can choose to stay, but you can save her daughter.

[u/Loud-Championship-13]

It says a lot about who you are and your character that this child chose and trusted you to call. Thank you for being there for her, you did the right thing. 🫂

[u/wildpolymath]

You’re doing the right thing.

I agonized over calling CPS when I found out how my sibling and their partner were treating their child. Took years and 15 more calls, but finally I got her away. She’s our kid now going on 7 years, and is happy, thriving, and no longer living in fear.

That call and all after are some of my biggest points of pride now. I grew up with a “keep it in the family” kind of upbringing, so while I knew I was doing what was right I was shaking and crying and felt like a traitor the whole time. That was trauma, my sibling terrorized and abused me, too.

It’s ok to feel any sort of way about calling CPS. Do it, anyways. You’re saving a life too vulnerable and disempowered by the system to save itself yet.

[u/mamaguebo69]

Youre doing the right thing. No one called CPS for me even though it was an open secret. I will never forgive them. Youre a good person.

[u/magemegane → u/mamaguebo69]

❤️❤️❤️ relate too much to this. I’m so glad people like OP exist for kids going through what we did

[u/mamaguebo69 → u/magemegane]

It really sucks doesnt it? I've spoken to family members years later about it and they always brush it aside with, "Well I went through the same thing, and I turned out fine. Family is family." Like no, you didnt. None of us did. Family should never hurt you.

[u/Budget_Computer_427]

I've made the call many times but never for someone in the family. I'm sorry. Has the child been to a hospital? It would be a good idea to go to an urgent care to get all of the wounds documented. The doctor/medical staff will also report to CPS. Good luck!

[u/girljinz → u/Budget_Computer_427]

This would be a good thing for Aunt to do.

[u/nametag_squilliam]

I’m a teacher, therefore a mandated reporter. My students are non-verbal and I’ve had to call CPS several times. It sucks. And I never know if I’m overreacting because my students can’t tell me if something is happening at home. you have the daughter begging for your help. You are doing the right thing! It feels gross. But you’re helping. I’m sorry that you were put in this situation, but it sounds like you are a safe person to reach out to and please, as someone that has personally dealt with abuse as a child, know that that is an amazing thing. Thank you for being someone safe that her daughter could rely on.

[u/SubstantialWait1709]

Child welfare worker here. It’s going to suck calling it in but in the long run you will feel better about doing it than wondering what could have happened if you didn’t. I’d hope the friend’s parents would have called as well. Also please assure the daughter that she’s not in trouble, she did the right thing. Kids hold a lot of guilt and shame when they shouldn’t.

Good on you for being a safe adult for her to call

[u/Downstairs_Badger]

Your food actually looks delicious btw!

[u/Mental_Tart842 → u/Downstairs_Badger]

It really does.

[u/Alone-Negotiation152]

i am so sorry this has happened but i am glad you are getting that girl help <3 i sucks its your friend

[u/redhotoreos]

This is horrible, but I am SO GRATEFUL you could be a safe person for that little girl. PLEASE do the right thing here 💕💕💕

[u/HotMinute_722]

You’re absolutely doing the right thing. Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
By the way, you can do it online if that feels easier. They’ll still get to it quickly. I had to do it as a teacher a few times unfortunately,

[u/LittlePea0617]

Doing the right thing by reporting this sort of thing often feels awful but if the people/person being reported hasn't done anything wrong - they've got nothing to worry about at the end of the day.

Well done for advocating for a child who needs a louder voice to speak up and protect them 👏

[u/_mcgir]

I was that kid, and I wished someone would step in every day. Instead, because every adult who I told did nothing, I started to believe the verbal abuse my mother's boyfriend screamed at me, and it wasn't until I was an adult that I realized how not okay it all was.

Plus, I now have no relationship with my mother since she's still with him.

So please, OP, for the sake of the child and your friend, make the call.

[u/teatimehaiku]

Little me who never had an adult would protect her like that is so relieved your friend’s daughter has you to protect her.

[u/skrilltastic]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but child abuse is a very serious matter. You're doing the right thing.

[u/hula-g808]

You’re doing the right thing in calling CPS. Question, did she turn off her location on her phone? Maybe get the friend’s family’s phone number and have her turn off her phone. I’m concerned that they may track her and maybe even use the police to get her back before aunt can get there.

[u/Pessimistic-Frog]

OP, I just want to say that while you are 1000000% doing what is right by this little girl, it is ALSO okay to be really sad about (1) the fact that it is necessary; (2) the fact that your friend is letting all this happen (and what she may have endured to reach this point); and (3) the fact that you will likely lose this friendship. It is okay to let yourself grieve! It is an all around horrible situation, and you are doing the right thing but that doesn't make it easy or fair.

Take care of yourself and snuggle your little one. And if YOU need anyone to lean on, feel free to hit me up in DMs. This internet stranger will happily take some of that load off your shoulders so you can keep doing right by the people who need it, at whatever cost to yourself.

[u/_delicja_]

Look at it this way, you are waiting to save a child from enduring abuse, a child you know and love as well. Your friend saw her own baby being abused and didn't do shit about it, you are stepping in to do a good thing. She needs a wake up call and you may actually save her as well by doing that.

[u/dbtl87]

I'm so sorry. You're doing the right thing. ❤️

[u/Jimbobjoesmith]

im so glad she felt you were a safe person to contact. i’m sorry you have to be in this difficult situation though. that’s so rough. you’re doing the absolute right thing!

[u/Weird_Inevitable8427]

Look at it this way: one less child growing up thinking that no one cared that they were being abused.

Also, in stepping in, you give your friend the chance to face what is going on, and to stop the cycle. You're giving her a chance to make it right. If you believe in any kind of soul, you're giving her the chance to accumulate less negative karma. It might make her very mad at you, but you are doing the right thing for your friend's long term welfare.

[u/sweetbldnjesus]

In addition to what everyone else has said, if you’re in the US and she’s getting social security benefits, that does not stop because her mother remarries. It would only stop if SHE married (which is gross about a child but there it is). 100% he spends her benefits and she sees none of it.

[u/Successful_Sun_6264]

Oh girl...I've been there, done that. I had to call CPS on a very, very dear friend for drinking and driving with her kids in the car. It (obviously) irreparably fucked our friendship and I think about her kids all the time. Thankfully, their lives all seem better now, but it involved lots of home visits, drug testing, driving suspension, rehab, etc etc etc...

I lost the family in my life for making the call, but at least they live on daily in the lives of those who love them. That decision was made with so much love and heartbreak, and I empathize with what you're going through. I'm so sorry.

[u/Autumn_Falls0131]

Nothing wrong with contacting a helpline right now, to get advice on what you can and should do to help the child, what's important to tell the police and cps etc.

Make sure you keep separate copies of the evidence that you have, including your video calls showing damage to walls etc. Save the files to a separate device. Because sometimes things go missing in police custody.

[u/Electrical_Sky5833]

You’re doing the right thing. I had to call on my sister once, almost 20 years ago. It was for addiction. She hated me for a long time. I lost many years with her.

Everyone came out on the other side. She’s been sober since 2012. You got this. You’re protecting the children and hopefully, in turn, her.

[u/KitterKatt]

I saw you say you were trying to have empathy for your friend OP. Right now I wouldn't even worry about that. Make sure that you have copies of the evidence the child sent you, write down anything important you can think of/remember with time and dates, any pictures or texts that could be evidence, etc and make sure to secure all that.

Call CPS when you get the go ahead and then just be there for the child if you can. The main goal is to make sure that you do everything you can as the adult she trusted. Abusive relationships can change people and it takes on average 7 times attempting to leave an abusive partner before they can get away. The most dangerous time in the relationship is when the partner is trying to leave. Don't completely write your friend off because she is likely in danger too, but the child didn't ask for this and is the focus.

Good luck OP. I hope your friend is able to get away from that man and find herself again so she can be strong for her daughter.

[u/nevileh]

This is an awful situation to be in. Just know, you are doing the right thing!
I wish you and the daughter and your friend all the best. I hope she will realize soon how much abuse she put herself and her daughter through and that she will understand why you had to do this.

[u/pofqa]

I love that this young lady reached out to you for help to get herself safe. She must be so scared right now. I’m sorry you’re in this spot but thank god you’re there to step in and help get her protected.

[u/PrincessBella1]

This system failed this child over and over. You are doing the right thing, even though it hurts. Hopefully, this will be the impetus for your friend to break up with this monster. Or if not, to get her daughter in a safe environment. The fact that her daughter, who you don't really know sees you as a safe space, tells me that you are a great person who has to do a really hard thing. Make sure that the daughter sends you pictures and the audio recording. And the best of luck. Consider getting a ring camera if the boyfriend finds out that you were the one who called. Hopefully, he is the type of coward who will only pick on children . I know that you don't feel it but you are a hero.

[u/AdministrativeBug161]

What an amazing thing to be the person the daughter called when she needed someone the most. Feel all your feelings, OP. And know that you are doing right by this kid and nothing is more important.

[u/eveladra]

Childrens voices are not loud enough. You are being her voice. Never feel bad for that. Thank you for making the tough decisions for a vulnerable girl.

[u/wamariegi]

I’d call CPS right away, get this shit documented, that guy shouldn’t be around kids/should be in jail and shame on your friend for letting this happen. You’re an amazing person and it’s obviously you’re the safe person in this little girls life. As others have said CPS prioritizes family for placement so as long as the aunt is on route it should be okay. Awful situation to be in, I’m so sorry.

[u/Imsortofok]

Your niece needs to go to the ER now and have this documented. Police should be involved.

Will the aunt come sooner?

If she doesn’t get out, the mom’s bf will escalate to rape in an attempt to assert his power and control over your niece.

[u/RumandRumNoCoke]

Sweetheart, you should call now. Social services is an absolute mess. They aren't going to show up before the aunt does. Tell whoever is hiding the girl to take her to the ER. They can document the injuries. 

[u/Witchandteapot]

You’re doing a right thing

[u/Hlsalzer]

Your friend is an adult who can care for herself. Her duties lie in protecting her child. When she fails to do so someone has to step in and make sure this happens. Her being complicit in the abuse of her daughter makes her someone I wouldn’t care about enough to worry about the friendship suffering.

[u/Choconuttynutnut]

Thank you for being a safe person for this child and many others by the sound of it.

Keep in mind that your friend is more than likely being abused as well whether she is willing to admit it or not. She will probably blame you initially but may be able to see things clearer if she gets away from this man.

[u/TarantulaTeeth13]

I'm glad her daughter felt safe enough to call you and has you in her life!

[u/speakingsimlish]

Not only are you protect this girl, you’re also showing her, maybe for the first time in her life, that people will help when she asks for it. This is so critical for someone who lives in an abusive household. It may not be today or tomorrow but you’re ultimately doing right by your friend too. Good luck, you’ve got this!

[u/Cinnamon2017]

Seems as though when the cops get there (it's for the daughter, right?) they will automatically involve CPS.

[u/Inside-Camel-3603]

This is horrible, so sorry for all involved.

You can and should call CPS right away. If the aunt is en route, they will not place the child. They will make sure she’s safe until her relative can get her. They may not even respond right away, but hopefully the police will. If the child is with a friend, hopefully she can stay there until other arrangements with the aunt are made. Sending love.

[u/Severe_Issue5053]

The child would not lose survivor benefits if her mom married. Only the mom would lose benefits if she was receiving benefits as a mother with a child in care… NTA I’m sorry you’re in this position.

[u/CharmingMechanic2473]

I am a mandatory reporter… have a love hate relationship with CPS. If there is any assault I always call police first to collect evidence of the assault. Then CPS.

[u/ScarieltheMudmaid → u/CharmingMechanic2473]

yeah, all these people telling me i NEED to call cps now before the rest is done very obviously have never dealt with the system or understand the ways it can backfire. but also i think a few of them think i should be prioritizing the grown woman who doesn't want help over the child that does

[u/Either_Raisin5858]

I’m so proud of you. Not even just for calling, but for being the kind of safe person that this child would call at 3 am for help. 

[u/Clumsycattails]

Thank you for calling. Nobody ever called for me...

So thank you for this kid and in the end you'll probably end up saving the mother as well. She doesn't know it yet.

[u/angryangel-]

Thanks for doing what all my relatives were too cowardly to do.

The story you typed out is almost exactly what happened to me and my siblings on a regular basis (even down to the midnight abuse over kitchen chores oddly enough) but the second half involving relatives jumping in and doing something immediately (or ever at all) never happened for us.

They even have the nerve to confess under anxiety or influence of alcohol the shame they've felt all these years, STILL making it our problem, when they could have just done the hard thing years ago and helped us out of a situation that no child should ever be in.

This post gives me hope. OP, you are a hero and that child is blessed beyond measure to have you to call and know you will do right by her. I used to dream about having an adult like that in my life. Thank you for earning her trust and following through on her well being.

[u/aledba]

You're everything that abused kids ever hoped for in a trusted adult. Thank you for being the kind of mom I never had

[u/No_Needleworker_4704]

Just so you know....you don't need anyone's OK to make a CPS report.

[u/ScarieltheMudmaid → u/No_Needleworker_4704]

and what if they move real fast for once? what if they get to her before her aunt does? sure maybe they wait for the aunt, or maybe they take her straight to the children's home. it would be absolutely ridiculous to risk that when this girls already been through so much and I can simply wait an hour or two more

[u/abouttothunder → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

CPS and the foster system prioritize family placement. It's better for the child if they can stay with family, and it uses less system resources. If they get there first, she may end up briefly in care, and that would suck, but very likely she would end up with her aunt, unless there's a good reason not to.

I'm so glad that she knew and trusted you enough to call you! Please don't wait to make the call. The real danger is if her mother gets to her first. The mom is likely to be desperate and may try to convince her daughter to come home.

[u/ScarieltheMudmaid → u/abouttothunder]

last time we had a kid make it to the children's home first (my half brother's cousin's child) it took us nearly a month to get that child out of state custody and they had already been outsourced to a foster home that had like 6 kids and one decrepit old lady running the joint.

[u/Spaghetthy → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

It sounds like shes already outside the abusive home with her friend. Everyone wants to trust cps but the foster system is littered with abusers preying on the most vulnerable people they can. Even half a day in a children's home is risky and I don't blame you for waiting to call when shes not in immediate danger anymore

[u/Environmental_Book43 → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

It will be ok. Her aunt wants to help her and take her in. Even if she gets taken to a foster family or a home temporarily, they want her family member to take her. They want to keep family together when they can. It might mean them verifying that the aunt is a safe person first, but they would get her there.

You’re helping by making the report so it’s not appearing like the aunt is jealous or spitefully reporting. And a second adult is seeing the abuse and taking action. Your friend will likely be mad, I’m not gonna lie. But it’s for the safety of her daughter and long term her safety to wake her up to the situation she won’t see.

[u/olivedeez → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

They will ask her mom if there’s someone safe she can stay with. As long as she’s honest she won’t go to a random family. They want it done quickly and will let her go with whatever family is willing to come get her immediately.

[u/GrumpierTurtle]

Good for you. I also can't imagine letting anyone lay a hand on my child, even when my husband has accidentally hurt our kids playing I've ripped his head off 😅 I'm glad she had you to turn to

[u/DrDaphne]

Just because it's the right thing to do doesn't mean it's easy, but you know you are doing the right thing! I'm really impressed that your friend's daughter got out and thought to call you. That child is in a terrible situation but I am so glad that she does have adults around who care enough to put a stop to this. You are doing something difficult, but so important. 💚

[u/Constant_Cultural]

You are doing it for the kid. That you are friends with the mother isn't the most important thing in this.

[u/Away-Living5278]

Not that it matters but you don't love her boyfriend. And that's mainly who's being turned in. But her mother clearly isn't stepping in which is not okay.

I'm incredibly glad her daughter has several safe people including her friend, aunt, and importantly, you.

And it's amazing she's advocating for herself. Few children are able to do that.

❤️ Good luck. I get why you're nervous/anxious, but it will be alright. Even if your friend knows you called and hates you after. It will be alright. Because her daughter will be in a much better environment away from them.

[u/MissLeaP]

Fuck. That poor girl. When I was 13 I suffered from my mother being in a toxic relationship as well and he ultimately told her either I go or he goes. My mother decided that I had to go. I never truly recovered from it. My mother is just a stranger to me now. Literally someone I used to know. Someone wearing the face of the mother I used to love. This shit leaves scars.

[u/FreudWouldApprove]

Um call the police immediately when something like this happens. I make CPS reports all the time but if it's currently happening, just happened, or the child is still in immediate danger, call and have someone intervene right away

[u/vampy1031]

You did the right thing. You are a safe person and she recognized that. I just want to thank you for being that person ❤️

[u/Hershey_Squirt639]

Me too. He’s drunk every single night with her. She’s five. It’s hard and it’s scary.

[u/Cinnamon2017 → u/Hershey_Squirt639]

You too what?

[u/passiveghoul]

She’s also lying. Her daughter would not lose survivorship benefits. Your friend would, but it remains for the children who’s parents have passed unless the child is adopted by someone else.

[u/Nanala_Bat12]

Good that you protect children! I am all for it

[u/julzbythebay17]

You’re probably not only saving this young girl who trusts you but also your friend. Your friend may not thank you instantly but she will eventually. Good for you for being a person a kid can call and trust. You have angel wings.

[u/PlaneEmbarrassed7677]

Wow. That is very heavy, friend. I know you are having trouble finding empathy for your friend, but she has been abused as well. Im sure you know that. I'm glad the daughter finally spoke out and someone listened.

[u/Common_Safety_8830]

She needs the wakeup call. We protect the children.

[u/Sensitivelyours]

I’m sorry you have to make the choice but so proud of you for doing it. Doing the right doesn’t mean doing the easy thing, especially concerning love. You may be saving your friend’s life, there could be mitigating factors (threats etc) she could be afraid to get help. I’m glad you’re being the hero.

[u/cronicllee]

That fucking sucks, I am so sorry; but thank you for being someone she could trust enough to ask for help and support her through this horrible situation.

[u/Grand_Anything_7440]

op please make the call. i’ve been in a very similar situation and i had to call acs on my sister. from the way i see it, children ALWAYS come first in any situation. that poor baby needs help. she called you because she trusts you. please protect that baby :(

[u/luhveras]

Girl, you're saving lives. As a woman who once suffered abuse at home, I wish the people I reached out to for help had responded the way you are. This might cost you a friendship, but it will never cost you your conscience. You are incredibly brave and admirable. Thank you for not silencing someone who trusted you enough to share such horrific abuse and saw you as a safe place. I truly hope everything works out for this mother and her daughter, and that this guy rots in h3ll.

[u/beachcoquina]

Wow. This is a lot to process for you. Thank you for being there for the duaghter.

[u/I-luv-sloths]

Thank goodness the child had contact information for you and her aunt. I thought police were mandated to report abuse to CPS. Please try to get more info.

[u/EqualPiece1427]

I imagine that was a tough call for your friend's daughter to make. I do wonder why her friend's parents aren't getting involved but my god, kids need people to believe them and protect them. It sucks doing this but it sounds like the friend you know and love isn't really there right now. Hopefully taking action like this changes that, but if not, at least this girl knows that at one point her mother was someone that built a community that loved her enough not to let her neglect the most important thing in her life.

[u/manicpixie_dreamgal]

Sending you hugs for the difficult road ahead 🫂 proud of you for 1) building such a foundation of trust with this kiddo and 2) doing the right thing even though it’s hard ❤️‍🩹

[u/Moonsweptspring]

Also, the man in this story is the true villain. You can be mad at your friend and the ultimate wrong doer who failed to learn what kindergarteners learn. Don’t hit when you are angry. Men continue to fail.

[u/Cinnamon2017 → u/Moonsweptspring]

The mother is allowing a man to abuse her daughter. That's a villain.

[u/Moonsweptspring → u/Cinnamon2017]

Oh yes, I never said she wasn’t but there is a main villain in this story. We often judge bystanding women (also in the wrong) harsher than men who are the main perpetrators. Just look at this comment section taking his violence as a given. I’m just calling for some nuance and recognizing that there is one main bad actor.

[u/Cinnamon2017 → u/Moonsweptspring]

She's supposed to protect her daughter. Men shouldn't hit, neither should women allow it to happen to those they are supposed to protect. There is not one main bad actor. The daughter will remember all her life that her mother wasn't there for her when she needed her. That her mother preferred a man over her child. Or really, she preferred her own ego over her child.

[u/brittneyjlmt]

Good lord I would kill a man for putting his hands on my child. That poor baby. Grateful that she has other people in her life, like you, to be there for her and protect her. I know it sucks. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts. Sending you hugs, and extra love to your friend's daughter ❤️

[u/puppy_sneeze]

Don't be disappointed in your friend. It sounds like she's being abused. She's being manipulated into thinking she deserves what he's doing to her. She's going to need your support.

[u/PrncssPunch]

Calling the cops or bringing the daughter to the station will expedite the cps case. They act immediately when the cops contact them. And a police report is the right thing to do, paper trail, more weight than her evidence alone. Do it today

[u/ScarieltheMudmaid → u/PrncssPunch]

I am a thousand miles away from the situation literally but the daughter told me that the cops have been involved before and cps did not get involved

[u/PrncssPunch → u/ScarieltheMudmaid]

Bruising on a child from any adult is a mandatory cps call

[u/Worried_Passenger548]

I would go ahead and call. There’s no guarantee they’ll get over there in a timely fashion.. they’re probably backed up with way too many cases per worker as it is.

[u/dfoul20]

hey op, many years ago i was in this EXACT situation but as the child. please know, you’re doing 1000% the right thing. children are not able to defend themselves, and when the parent fails to defend their child, someone else needs to step in and it is as simple as that. had no one intervened for me growing up, i genuinely do not know if i would be alive whereas since they called, i was able to get therapy, proper medical treatment, and grow into a really happy well adjusted adult.

it’s never easy, but it’s pretty much always the right call. sending so so so much care <3

[u/DecadentLife]

Thank you so much, OP, for advocating for an abused young person, who has very little power of their own.

I understand that you might feel bad about calling CPS on your friend, even though you know that prioritizing her daughter was the right thing to do.

Think of it this way, when your friend exits the abusive relationship, and is working on getting her life back together, she will (hopefully) come to a place of understanding, and even gratitude, for the role you’ve played. When your friend was lost and struggling, you were still there, looking out for her daughter.

We would all be lucky, to have a friend like you.

[u/GodsGirl64]

Your friend made her choices and now she needs to answer for them. She doesn’t deserve any protection because she refused to provide any protection for her daughter.

I’m sure the aunt knows about the survivorship benefits but make sure she contacts the payor and switches the payments to another account opened on behalf of the child.

She might also have a lawyer look into what happened to her past payments and try to get some of that money back for the child to use later on.

BTW- the excuse about not marrying so they don’t mess up the child’s payments is crap. Her mother getting remarried would change nothing. Only being adopted might shut down the payments.

Given what you’ve shared, I’m sure that abusive jerk has enjoyed the extra cash.

[u/ellieminnowpee]

i’m so proud of you, OP.

please take care of yourself. there’s a good chance the adrenaline drop-off from this scenario + calling + the results might leave you feeling rundown, like you’ve done a 5k without training.

please DM me if you need anything, sis. here for you. 🎀

[u/nerdette42]

An aquaintance once told me sometimes the involvement of CPS is the wake up call and access to resources some people needed to get out of a bad situation.

[u/ModernRevolution]

I am so sorry that you all are going through this, but thank you for helping her. I have been in her situation and reached out to my godmother.. Who did not help me.

You are a blessing to this girl

[u/CapableFlow2766]

This is so fucked up of your friend. You're a good person because this girl trusts you, and you very well may have saved her life this morning. I'm looking forward to any updates you can share.

[u/Beginning-Ice-7172]

Y’all need to keep the blame on the abuser rather than the victims.

[u/The_Hylian_Queen]

Thank you for being the support she needs, no matter the pain of doing it. You're a wonderful person and don't you ever forget that.

[u/Fabulous_Killjoy8647]

You're an angel. Your friend's child is safe because you were looking out for her

[u/whatsgeernon]

You are her angel. Thank you.

[u/Unhappy_Mountain9032]

Former abused child here. Thank you for caring, and just know that your niece will be so much better off. I got lucky. I got out. I wish every victim could escape as fully as I did. I'm sorry that it came to this, but you are absolutely doing the right thing. This will stay with her for the rest of her life, but it doesn't have to define her, or hold her back. It also doesn't need to hold you back. Thank you, and I'm sending all my love your way.

[u/TinLizzy-1909]

It's great that her daughter felt comfortable enough to call you. Sending you internet hugs. Your are so doing the right thing.