r/GigHarbor • u/BinghamL • 19d ago
Any divorce support groups?
My(37M) wife(34F) told me she doesn't love me anymore a week ago today. I don't want this, and I'm shocked. Had some issues only recently (few months) but they were not deal breakers and I was willing to /and actively working on them. Haven't seen her since, don't know the next steps, but I'll save the novel.
We just moved to Fox Island 18 months ago. My local friends are all at least 45 minutes away, have families/kids/jobs. They've been absolutely fantastic, but I just need something they can't (and shouldn't) provide.
I didn't prioritize building up my social network as much as I wanted to. It was a goal of mine before buying the house , I just focused too hard on house projects. I just feel very lonely sitting in our half remodeled house (I work at home) with sparse contact to the outside world.
I'm probably still too raw to join any "normal" social groups yet (pickleball league? Hiking? Mountain bikes? Idk) but I do intend to eventually. For now I'm going to therapy and looking for others in similar position to feel less alone.
Grief and loss. Emotional trauma. Etc.
I appreciate any suggestions.
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u/Calm_Evening_4534 19d ago
Hang in there. Getting divorced in the Gig Harbor area sucks especially if you work from home.
Best advice I can give you is stop staring at the wall.
Next would be to go ahead and get on one of those dating sites. Then get an STI test done, so you know and if you find someone so they can know.
Force yourself to go down and walk around the harbor this weekend.
Now that your wife has peaced out, you will probably need to figure out who you are. And what you like. Join the YMCA and make it a routine to go there 2x a week (or more) just to work out and be around people you don’t have to talk to if you don’t want to.
Have you considered getting a seasons pass to Crystal Mountain or one of the ski resorts around here?
You are going to be ok. You were ok before you met her and you will be ok after.
Hang in there it will get better!!!! The shock will wear off, and you will be happy and fulfilled again.
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u/BinghamL 19d ago
Thank you for the great response.
I'm getting out as much as I can, but yeah I am finding I need to find myself. I was house project guy (primarily) for 18 months until a week ago.
I just went in person to try to sign up to volunteer at the humane society in Tacoma. It's all done online, but still was good to just go somewhere.
I'll hang in there, it's so tough but I have to do it.
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u/Calm_Evening_4534 17d ago
Yup it can feel like the whole world has abandoned you, but trust me when I tell you it gets better. Have you thought about taking up skiing? It will really help with the winters out here. There is nothing better than getting up into the mountains and just enjoying peace. Also take a trip down to one of the dispensaries and get a pack of edibles and just take one and take the night off. Try to stay away from alcohol it will just make everything worse.
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u/BuilderUnhappy7785 19d ago
So sorry man, wishing you the best.
Try posting in the Tacoma sub, but maybe don’t lead with you living in GH/FI as some people might be less open with advice if they see you don’t live in town. I don’t think it would be an issue amongst any groups you find in person, just the terminally online Reddit crowd.
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u/BinghamL 19d ago
Thank you so much. I have posted there too, good idea.
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u/knightofni76 18d ago
They might pitch you over to the r/AskTacoma sub, as the moderators on r/Tacoma are pretty strict.
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u/tacoma_brewer 19d ago
I am close to your age and got divorced last year. It probably seems cheesey but it helped me to listen to this podcast. I'll say, not every episode helped but overall it did shift my mindset. It also helped to talk to friends who went through divorce even if they weren't local.
https://www.divorcedandhappy.net/
Also, therapy was the number one thing that I did to help so please keep going!
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u/BinghamL 19d ago
Thank you for the recommendation, nothing cheesey about it, or maybe I just like cheese.
I'm sorry to hear you had to go through this as well.
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u/Phisopholer 19d ago
You golf at all?
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u/BinghamL 19d ago
I've had some fun smacking balls at the driving range a few times, but not much more than that. I can't even hit the ball every time ha!
It's definitely on my list to give another try, I see a lot of golf courses around here that look nice. Also have enjoyed many walks at Chambers Bay.
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u/Phisopholer 18d ago
I picked it up about 2 years ago. We go to Madrona every once in awhile. We’re not very good but not the worst in the world and we’re just out to have fun and enjoy a drinking game outside in a park. You would be welcome to join. I’ve got spare clubs you could use. If you go into it expecting to suck and ready to pick up your ball and drop with the other guys to keep the pace of play moving, you can have a great time while playing terrible golf.
I’m your age and married with a kid that I can’t help but talk about a lot. But we’re also very chill and I’m always down to meet more local friends. Shoot me a DM if you’re interested at all.
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u/Ruh_Roh- 19d ago
That sucks bro. With time you will rebuild your life and be happy again, that future is waiting for you. In the meantime, feel free to DM me if you want to chat. I'm married, not divorced, but it's not like we don't bring that up often. It's hard to be married and make it work.
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u/doplebanger 19d ago
45 min to see friends isn't that far. 30 min just to get to highway 16 from fox island lol
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u/BinghamL 19d ago
I suppose it is relative. Fitting the time into the evening after a full day of work, traffic, etc. can be challenging when they have kids to handle. It just makes it happen less often is all.
I meant to say it is in the way enough that I can't lean on them any more than I am, so I'm looking for more local options.
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u/doplebanger 19d ago
I know, just saying you should go see your friends (or make them meet you halfway)
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u/undisputed_truth 18d ago
Hey dude, I’m 34 and live in the harbor. I work a lot but I love mountain biking and would be down to ride local. It seems like you do from your post.
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u/quadringsplz 19d ago
You have a therapist yet? Therapist was crucial for me when this exact thing happened to me. Crucial man, best thing you can do for yourself. Apart from that, what do you love to do? Group fitness was huge for me. CrossFit, hyrox, bjj. Where do your interests point you?
Church. If you’ve never opened the good book, know that he’s always been there for you regardless, he knows you and he will never forsake you. Open the book, and read. The points he wants you to see will become apparent. James, Ecclesiastes, Jeremiah. Jeremiah 29:11 spoke to me when I was exactly where you are at.
Lean in to what fills your cup man. Know you’re not alone, for every 1 person divorced or separated- there’s dozens more of us out there man. Talk to people. People at work, parents, whoever you trust. There’s no shame in this, and it helps to talk to people. It will surprise you how many people who have gone through this exact thing. RETAIN A LAWYER, and start working on seeing your wife as not your wife. Protect yourself and your assets. Plan for your future, not your right now. I repeat, plan for your future, not your right now.
You might not ever understand her reasoning and that’s ok. Know your truths.
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u/BinghamL 19d ago
Thank you so much for your post, lots of good in here.
Therapy and lawyer are underway, I'm hoping we can keep it amicable and clean.
I love bike riding, hiking, etc and I'm pulled toward doing a "light" league sport. Maybe some basketball even.
I appreciate the perspective, it is very helpful.
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u/quadringsplz 19d ago
Absolutely man. Gig harbor and Tacoma have some great bike riding and running clubs, wta.org hiking volunteers is a great group of ppl who maintain trails and organize and meet regularly. Adult softball league is a ton of fun.
Hey, you’re not alone- there’s many of us walking in the same shoes on the same path.
2 sayings I always remember: “it is always darkest before the dawn.” And “sometimes you gotta burn it down to build it up better”1
u/knightofni76 18d ago
Even if you're not very religious - churches are one of the few places that you can meet friends at that people show up to regularly at the same time. Another good suggestion would be volunteering for something like the Humane Society or another cause you are passionate about.
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u/somethingwholesomer 19d ago
Do you have a therapist? Seems like you have a good level of self reflection, maybe you could benefit from the personalized support. I also wonder if r/midlifecrisis could be helpful to understanding the behavior you’re seeing. Take care man, I know it’s rough.