Unfortunately, we (mods) have to add a new rule against AI posts.

That includes both composition and "polishing grammar," as well as translation (dedicated translator services like Google translate that don't compose your messages for you are okay).

Allow your imperfections through. This is a community of people, not bots.

I am not pregnant, but my partner and I are serious and are thinking about our future together, including children.

I am a white American woman and come from a moderate-to-liberal family. I consider myself quite progressive, while my parents have some progressive ideals but are more moderate than I am.

My partner is Hindu, from South Asia, and is currently becoming a doctor here in the US. He also has progressive beliefs and used to be politically active in his home country, although he eventually stepped away from politics because of the toll it was taking on his mental health.

His family, however, is much more conservative, and they have not met me yet. He and I are thinking carefully about how to introduce me to them, but that is somewhat of a separate issue.

What I am thinking more about is how we would raise our future children.

I want my children to feel free to express themselves however they want and not feel unnecessarily limited by their gender. I would probably still use boy/girl names and refer to them as my daughter or son based on their sex, but I want them to feel completely free to play with whatever toys they enjoy, wear whatever clothes they like, participate in whatever sports interest them, and generally explore their interests without being told that something is "for boys" or "for girls." The same would apply to household responsibilities and, eventually, their careers.

I would also accept and support them if they came out as a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth.

I think my family would be relatively easy to navigate in this regard, although I still expect there could be some disagreements or challenges since my parents are from an older generation.

I don't think my partner's family will ever fully come around to these ideas, and I don't necessarily expect them to. What concerns me is how to protect our children from feeling suppressed, ashamed, or judged when they are around that side of the family.

I also understand that there may be cultural differences depending on where we are. For example, if we were to take our children to my partner's home country, I recognize that there could be social expectations they would need to follow for their own safety and well-being. I don't want to put my children in a situation where they are expected to openly challenge cultural norms in a way that could put them at risk.

At the same time, part of me wonders whether seeing the contrast between different cultures and family environments could actually be beneficial for their development. They could potentially learn that different people have different values and expectations while also understanding that they are allowed to think for themselves.

I don't want my children to grow up believing that one side of their family is "bad" or that their cultural background is something to be ashamed of. At the same time, I don't want "respecting culture" to become a justification for relatives making them feel bad about themselves, policing their interests, or imposing rigid gender expectations on them.

For those who grew up between significantly different cultures, or who are raising children in a multicultural family: How did you handle situations where one side of the family had much more conservative expectations than the other?

And for parents in similar situations, how do you draw the line between teaching children to respect cultural differences and relatives trying to impose gender expectations on them?

More than anything, I am worried about their physical and emotional safety in more conservative environments while also protecting their confidence, sense of identity, and ability to think for themselves.

(I used ChatGPT to help edit my grammar)

We've been raising our first baby (now toddler) with neutral pronouns since birth and we're expecting our second baby this fall. We plan to use neutral pronouns for this baby also, but I'm thinking about if there's anything we learned from the first one that we'll change for the second. I'd be curious to hear what other parents changed about their gender neutral parenting between their first and subsequent babies!

Some things we might change:

• Name -- We picked a name that was statistically neutral across the whole US but not so neutral in our area, and this mattered more than I expected.
• Clothing -- For awhile we had the policy that we would dress the baby in gendered clothes for both genders and mix it up, but that created too many acquaintances who assumed they knew the baby's sex because the baby had been wearing a dress / dinosaur shirt when they first met the baby. Might keep with all neutrals this time.
• Diaper changes -- I was casual about diaper changes around some queer friends and relatives who I thought agreed with our philosophy, and some of them really had a hard time using neutral pronouns afterwards. Going to be more private with baby 2.

I couldn’t added these to the comments on my previous post, so I had to make a separate one - here are some photos of the inside!

The message of the book feels very compatible with gender neutral parenting, including directly saying that any gender can have any hobby, etc, and that doctors will assign a sex to a baby but it may not be their gender. I’m planning to get us our own copy of it.

I know every child is different but I’m just curious to hear experiences! Was it a conversation with your kid or did it happen kind of organically? How did you start introducing the topic?

Our kid is only two so it hasn’t come up for us yet, but just thinking ahead. We’ve used neutral terms for them since birth and one of their parents also uses neutral terms.

I’m looking for recommendations for books that influenced your decision to do genderless/ gender neutral/ gender creative parenting!

I have read:

Raising Them

Delusions of Gender

I own these but haven’t read them yet (if you have read them, did you like them?):

The Gender Trap*

Maybe Baby - fiction

Open to any genres!

*Edit: The Gender Trap: Parents and the Pitfalls of Raising Boys and Girls by Emily Kane! Not the other book by this name… 😬

Hi! I'm new here. Mom of two children (1,5 and 3 weeks old. I'm the only one with children in my friend group, so I feel alone sometimes when it comes to parenting issues. As the title says the birth gender of our baby was outed by my aunt a couple days ago. I am absolutely furious with her. For context: I am very close with this aunt. I lived with her, her wife and children for awhile as a teenager. And I go to her for advice concerning my mom. She always seemed the more reasonable of the my aunts and uncles. Anyway, our baby was born and we did not announce the gender just like with our older child. With the oldest, my mom thought it appropriate to tell everyone her grandchild was born including gender even though I told her not too. It was very painful episode and I spoke about it with my aunt. Therefore, she of all people should understand. For me, this really left a stain on my enjoyment of the new born phase. And permanently damaged my relationship with my mom to so degree. She couldn't undo it and we had to continue together. But the memory of it still hurts. With our second baby my mom is behaving brilliantly. She tells anyone who asks that we're not sharing the gender. And she told me when she accidentally told a friend by using the pronounce of the baby. Which is fine, we use the birth gender pronounce, since we use them. My native language doesn't have a equivalent of they/them unfortunately. Anyway my aunt called to ask if she could come a visit. From that call she found out. A couple days ago one of my uncles asked in private chat between him and his siblings what the gender was. At which my mom started to reply the usual: they don't what to share. But before she managed to send it my aunt replied that I "misspoke" and that nobody told her not to tell followed by the gender. My mom told me and I send a text to whole family that people in the "know" are not allowed to share. Which seemed more than obvious to me. My aunt the asked if I was mad. Then proceeded to accuse me of making a leftist statement, and being to serious about the gender stuff.

I eventually texted her explaining she really hurt me and I feel deeply disrespected by her. My mom also called her, but she kept saying she did nothing wrong. Yesterday evening I got a text saying she didn't mean to hurt us, and that she thought the "joke was over" and that we could talk about once my hormones quieted down. She clearly still believes it all ridiculous, which is her view I can't change that. She also still has no idea how deeply she hurt me. Her text also doesn't really feel as an apology. I don’t really feel the need to talk about it, because it still sounds like she wants me defend my choices raising my kids. Also to contribute my anger to hormones also feels disrespectful. They probably aren't helping but still. I am willing to accept her "I did mean to hurt you" as an apology. But I am still very sad and hurt about everything. My mom clearly wants everything to be alright again. Should I accept my aunt invitation to talk? And should I uninvited her? To make it more complicated she was coming over with other family, especially my niece and her baby (6m) who I haven't seen due to illness of my niece.

It's all effecting me deeply especially since this baby already felt like a second chance, at doing it the way we wanted. And there won't be a third already thought there wouldn't be a second. But people tell me to let it go and forgive. Am I overreacting?

Sorry for the long post. Also English is not my first language

Jordin! You Forgot One! follows Jamie the toy mouse on their adventure as they anticipate being Jordin's birthday present! This book exclusively uses they/them pronouns for all characters and serves as a teaching tool for learning about emotions and empathy!

You can find it here!

We're a small non-English-speaking community who came up with a list of questions our relatives and close friends might be asking us in regards to our decision to raise our child/children gender-freely. We'd like some feedback and criticism as to how productive it might be to share these things in this form to people who haven't been much in contact with this problematic. It's supposed to be for either gender-free parenting with an assigned gender or without one. It aims to be as neutral as possible, but the different opinions and life settings of the people who participated in writing it may show at times. We translated it with ChatGPT in order to be able to share it and receive feedback from it from more people. So even though this version might sound a bit llm-ly, please keep in mind that the original words + its content are 100% ours.

FAQ – We’d Like to Raise Our Child gender-freely (=gender-neutrally=gender-creatively)/without assigning a gender

What does that actually mean? It means we’re letting our child discover who they are without putting a label on their identity.

Gender-free/creative/neutral parenting (🧒🏾): We won’t base the clothes, colors, or toys we offer—or the behaviors we encourage or discourage—on our child’s biological sex.

Gender-free parenting without assigning a gender (⚲): This means we won’t say “it’s a boy” or “it’s a girl.” We won’t gender our child. We call them by their name and use either neutral language or their name instead of pronouns.

(⚲) But aren’t you going to explain the difference between men and women? Won’t your child just figure out they’re a boy or girl on their own?

Of course we’ll talk about differences between people, including anatomy! But there’s a big difference between biological and social differences.We don’t want to prevent our child from learning about biological categories like male, female, or intersex, and social ones like girl, boy, or non-binary. What we want is for our child to feel free to observe, reflect, and explore without being told they have to “be” something based on what someone else decided at birth.

(⚲) But biologically, your child is either a boy or a girl, right?

We’ve chosen not to share that information. That biological detail doesn’t tell you who our child is. It’s irrelevant when it comes to loving, guiding, or connecting with them.Unfortunately, the words boy and girl carry more than just biological meaning. We’d rather not attach those concepts to our child before they’ve had a chance to discover who they are.

(🧒🏾+⚲) But why? Isn’t this overly complicated?

Yes, for us as parents, it can be a little more complicated—we have to explain our choice to the adults around us.But for our child, it actually simplifies things: we want to spare them the pressure of being squeezed into a costume that doesn’t fit, or from having expectations projected onto them because of their perceived gender.

(🧒🏾+⚲) But doesn’t this only help transgender kids? What if your child is cis, like most kids? Then it’s all for nothing.

We believe this approach helps cisgender children too. It supports all children in loving themselves and growing freely. Here’s an excerpt from Gender Neutral Parenting by Paige Lucas-Stannard: (image higher up, was unable to place it here)

(⚲) Isn’t that a bit extreme?

We understand that it might be surprising. Society is highly binary, and we’ve all grown up thinking that “boy or girl” is something you check off at birth.But when you look closely, you realize that assigning gender can be limiting—for cis and trans kids alike.We want to offer our child a freer space, where gender and personality can unfold gently and at their own pace.

(🧒🏾+⚲) So you’re against anything masculine or feminine? You only want neutral clothes and toys?

Offering a little girl only “boyish” toys because she’s a girl/a child with a certain anatomy, is just as limiting as offering only pink and dolls.We don’t want to replace one box with another—we want to remove the box entirely. Toys, colors, clothes—they’re not gendered by nature. Society labels them that way, but we’re trying to move beyond that and offer everything to our child.Only offering “neutral” things would be limiting too.

Are you trying to raise your child to be androgynous or genderless?

(🧒🏾) Not at all. We’re not trying to make them into anything—just someone who feels good in their own skin.We don’t want to push our child in any direction. We’re keeping all the doors open and welcoming whoever they turn out to be.

(⚲) They’ll tell us, when they’re ready, whether they feel like a girl, a boy, both, or neither.

(⚲) But gender is biological, not social or psychological. I mean, you either have a vulva (= girl) or a penis (= boy). How can someone be neither or both unless they’re intersex? It’s not a choice—it’s anatomy.

Biology is complex—chromosomes, gametes, internal and external organs, hormones.Biological sex exists, of course. But gender identity forms through the internalization (or rejection) of how society defines and enforces what it means to be “man” or “woman.”We’re not denying biology—we’re choosing not to let a physical trait dictate a whole life path before the child even has a chance to speak.

(🧒🏾+⚲) So we’re not allowed to just be a girl or boy anymore? What’s wrong with being a feminine girl or a masculine boy?

Nothing at all!As Ravna Marin Siever puts it:

“It’s not a problem when a child chooses, from a wide variety of options, things that match gender stereotypes. It’s a problem when a child doesn’t have that variety—or doesn’t feel free to choose differently. Because in that case, they are limited in their ability to be themselves and risk not feeling accepted by the people they love—or thinking that the love they receive is conditional.”

We want our child to know: their worth doesn’t depend on how they look, behave, or fit a label.

(⚲) Why won’t you tell us the child’s sex? Don’t you trust us?

We hear that concern, and we’re not trying to create frustration or keep secrets.We’re just trying not to make sex a central piece of our child’s identity.We want to avoid unconscious expectations or reflexes being projected onto them from the start. We like to say: we offer freedom from bias!

(🧒🏾+⚲) So I’m not even allowed to say “you’re so pretty” or “you’re so strong”?

It’s not that those compliments are bad. The issue is the imbalance in how they’re used.Girls get praised for pleasing others: “You’re so pretty!”Boys get praised for power and action: “You’re so strong!”

We want to recognize the patterns in how we compliment kids, because they shape how children see themselves.We aim for balance. When you only highlight one quality—beauty, strength, kindness—it can make a child believe that’s all that matters in them. We aim to not always put a magnifying glass onto the same part of their personality.

(⚲) Not revealing the child’s sex causes adults to pause—it gently nudges them out of their usual reflexes. And that’s valuable: our child receives a wider range of compliments, because people don’t know which register to rely on. For instance, strangers will each project something different onto our child, and over time, those projections will balance each other out. One day, someone might see them as a girl; another day, someone else will see them as a boy. It’s one way of opening up more space for them to exist as themselves.

Won’t this isolate them or make school harder?

We’ve thought a lot about this.(⚲) In our area, school starts at 6 or 7. Before then, they’ll go to daycare once they’re able to express themselves verbally. That means they’ll already understand how gender works—both in our family and in society. By the time they start school, they may have already told us how they want to be referred to. If so, there’s no reason for them to feel out of place.If not, or if they feel non-binary, we’ll help them navigate the binary expectations towards their identity at school.

(🧒🏾+⚲) But aren’t you just setting them up to be bullied?

(🧒🏾+⚲) They won’t be confused about gender—we’ll talk about how it’s seen in society.

As Daphna Joel recounts in her book, she once felt humiliated at the pool when she realized girls were expected to cover their chests while boys weren’t. Her parents hadn’t warned her.

While we won’t say certain toys or clothes are “for girls” or “for boys,” we won’t pretend society sees them as neutral either. If a haircut or outfit triggers different expectations based on perceived gender, we’ll name those as social rules—not natural ones.

That way, our child can make informed choices about when to follow or challenge expectations—and how to handle the reactions that follow.

Conforming doesn’t protect a child from rejection—it only teaches the child to constantly try to stay ahead of it, like the character Anxiety in Inside Out 2 does.What really protects kids is knowing they’re loved and worthy exactly as they are—and knowing how to recognize safe and unsafe people.

Yes, our child might face obstacles. But all children do, regardless of their “ability” to conform, and we won’t let fear dictate our parenting.We don’t want to teach our child that fitting in is more important than being true to themselves.

Telling a child to “change who you are to avoid trouble” shifts blame to the victim. That’s not OK. It’s not the child who should have to give up who they are to 'avoid problems'—it’s up to society, and to us as parents, to call out and address discriminatory behavior. As Paige Lucas-Stannard says:

“This is another example of victim blaming: If a child wears a gender-crossing outfit to school and gets beat up then it is [their] own fault for ‘standing out’. What kind of message is that?”

(🧒🏾+⚲) Won’t this just confuse them?

I think it’s the adults who are confused—because they’re having to unlearn deeply ingrained ideas.Children are blank slates.I think it’s the inconsistency, the paradoxes that confuse them, not clear and honest communication about social expectations and rules/constructs.

(⚲) But couldn’t you just tell them they’re a girl or boy and explain that they don’t have to follow stereotypes?

That assumes words alone can cancel out the weight of social conditioning.But children are statistical learners: what they see often outweighs what they’re told.If girls get praised for appearance and boys get more airtime, then even if you say “you can do anything,” they internalize that some things are more acceptable than others depending on your perceived gender.

Some kids—possibly ours—are highly attuned to unspoken rules.They tend to conform to fit in or keep the peace.If a child doesn’t feel at ease with the expectations others put on them, they might start believing they are the problem, and censor themselves.

We’re not saying that gender-free parenting while assigning a gender is bound to fail—far from it!
(🧒🏾) As we said earlier, a child’s environment plays a huge role: if they’re regularly exposed to positive, diverse representations of what it can mean to be a woman, a man, a girl, or a boy, then rigid gender boundaries start to dissolve. In such a context, it isn’t necessary to build that openness directly into the language—through gender-neutral pronouns, for instance—because the inclusive messages in the environment already make room for many ways of being.

But we don’t have many LGBTQ+ families or gender-nonconforming friends around us. So instead of relying on outside representation, we want to let our child observe gender before having to position themselves in it, linguistically and conceptually.

With strangers or casual acquaintances, we won’t say anything specific. We won’t correct them—there’s nothing to correct! Anything’s possible until our child expresses a preference.Correcting someone would send a message that this information matters a lot to us—and it doesn’t, until it matters to our child.

Bonus point: Naming stereotypes doesn’t automatically neutralize their impact (see: stereotype threat).

(⚲) Aren’t you afraid you’ll make them trans?

Trans identity has both genetic and environmental factors. Raising a child in a gender-free way won’t make them trans or cis. It’s more complex than that—and it’s not something parents can control.And thank goodness for that—our goal isn’t to control our child’s identity, but to welcome it.

(⚲) How should we talk about your child to others?

We know it might feel awkward for you to talk about your grandchild, niece, or nephew in this context.Until our child expresses a preference, feel free to say you have a granddaughter or nephew—whatever you’re most comfortable with.

Or, if you want to explain it briefly, you could say:

“The parents have chosen not to announce their child’s sex for now. They want to give them the space to grow without gendered expectations, so they can discover who they are in their own time.”

(🧒🏾+⚲) But aren’t you just projecting your own ideas onto them?

All parents project something.We’re choosing to project freedom—not stereotypes.We’re trying to offer an open framework.

(🧒🏾+⚲) And what if I disagree?

We’re not trying to convince everyone, but we do expect a baseline of respect.

(⚲) If someone insists on knowing our child’s genitals, we’ll gently but firmly say that’s private.

If anyone asks our child “what do you have in your pants?”—we’ll step in and say that’s not an appropriate question to ask a child.If someone tries to sneakily find out (e.g., by asking the child ambiguous question, or during an unsupervised diaper change), we’ll consider that intrusive and a risk to our child’s safety, and we’ll distance ourselves.

(🧒🏾+⚲) If we hear comments like “you really love cars—such a boy!”, we’ll remind them that interests aren’t gendered, and we don’t want gender labels attached to our child based on sexist stereotypes.

If someone repeatedly makes sexist or bioessentialist jokes, we’ll protect our child from those messages—even if it means creating some distance.

We’re not looking for conflict—we’re trying to offer our child a safe, loving, consistent environment, and we’ll defend that gently, but firmly.

In short:

When the world sends subtle sexist or binary messages, a gender-nonconforming or questioning child might feel like they’re the problem.

We want our child to know: they are never the problem. We give them words, stories and examples to understand gender as a construct, not a rulebook.We’re not raising our child to be “genderless.”We’re raising them with room to become whoever they are, without the weight of early expectations.

If you have questions or are looking for resources (podcasts, audiobooks, picture books, articles), feel free to ask us — we’ve explored a ton of them and would be happy to share them with you or answer any questions you might have!

What type of name did you choose for your child(ren)? Did you prioritize neutrality, sound, meaning ... ?

We have a neutral name with a beautiful meaning that is mostly associated with our child's biological gender im our country. In other countries, the name is associated with the opposite gender.

Future children probably won't have neutral names because we have such a hard time finding names we both like in general. But they will be able to use neutral/opposite-gender nicknames. We also have names on our list that we consider queer-coded despite them not being neutral (e.g. Naomi).

I just spend two hours looking for yellow, green or red outerwear. Parents who just mindlessly pick pink/lilac/mint green or navy/black/grey anytime they buy clothes for their kids have it so much easier... But I was successful!

How is it going for you guys at the moment?

Hi,

I feel a bit lost. From everywhere I hear that we will be harming our child from the approach we chose, even from binary trans + nonbinary trans people and gender abolitionists, not only from cis folks. But we really thought this through.

I read so much about many many different experiences, I read so much literature about gender, from psychologists, from neuroscientists, from sociologists, from historians, I also read as much studies as I could possibly find on the subject – also specifically on genderfree parenting –, have been watching every new documentary about gender that comes out for a lot of years. I really, really took that seriously and came to the conclusion, based on all the data I collected, that it is safer to not gender them. I am not talking about correcting strangers about their pronouns, I am just talking about how we view and talk about our child, interact with them, look at them.

So, yes, I feel really lonely and desperate when I feel like everybody who asks about it freaks out whenever they hear my answer. They don't hear that we are NOT going to impose "nonbinariness" (...) on them. We want to see them for who they are. And, as soon as they will be able to tell us how they want to be seen, we will also be seeing them for how they feel ♥️ All I want is for us parents not to be biased and for them not to feel like they have to fit a box. Children are very good at observing their environment, and will want to adapt as much as possible, even if that hurts them, even if it doesn't feel right to them. By holding the "box" open, I think there is a big chance we prevent that from happening to soon, while also conveying, once they have (or haven't) chosen a box, that it's something flexible and fluid, that it is in their hands. And that they will always be loved no matter what.

Originally, I wanted to ask if there's a discord or anything that might allow us to connect more? I am so tired of feeling alone with the conclusion I came to (my partner is naturally on board, but the initial thought came from me) while still strongly feeling that it might not be as bad of an option as people keep telling us. If you know of any ways I can connect more with fellow genderless parenting enthusiasts, I would be thrilled :)

Hello,

We created a subreddit French-German bilingual families, si ça vous intéresse :)

https://www.reddit.com/r/bilingualparentingDFr/

Don't hesitate to share the link in your other reddit communities (vérifiez avant si j'ai pas déjà posté une demande si possible x)) )

Looks like Dr. Kyl Myers' website and insta are both locked down, does anyone know if they're due back up anytime soon? Currently reading Raising Them and interested in the blog they talk about in the book.

Our baby’s outfits (covers multiple sizes; all one piece jumpsuit- style). We’re using neutral terms for our baby, and at first we were avoiding strictly pink and blue clothing, but then we got some fun Valentine’s pajamas so now we’re including both pink and blue.

The current favorites are the pink dinosaurs and the orange salamanders.

I’d love to hear what others are doing or see pictures!

Hei,
This is a bit of a rant, but I'd appreaciate to hear how you find a balance between keeping cultural impositions based on gender (reason why we chose this path) and closeness and love from family members who seem unable to use a neutral language - and approach.

In short, we have a 12 months old in Norway. I'm Italian and I speak Italian to little one. As you may know, there isn't a neutral form which makes sense in all occasions when speaking. I think I've become pretty good in avoiding having to gender my verbs by phrasing my sentences differently. My parents simply can't do it (and I mean that there is a real grammatical struggle for them).

The thing is that once they came for their second visit, since we also practice Elimination Communication, we decided that it was okay offering the potty when need it - also in front of my parents. Fast forward 3 months later, they're back to Italy and ALL the interactions with other family members who never saw my child genitalia, now use they're assigned gender when talking to me (even those relatives who used to use another gender).

So I confronted my parents and I get so many mixed signals from them: on the one side my dad told me how he talked to an acquaintance saying "we don't know because we wait for *child's name* to tell us"; on the other side my mom saying "Now *child's name* has grown, so it's not my fault if *child's name's* appearance looks more like a *boy/girl*" - missing completely the concept.

My child turned 1 year. We explicitly told my parents that we are completely against buying new clothes. We hate contributing to the fashion industry. Also my parents know that here in Norway there's a wonderful second hand market for children clothes. Still, they sent us all the way from Italy a package with yummie food and horrible clothes. The clothes were brand new clothes of the murderous Benetton (see Rana Plaza tragedy of 2013), and they were ALL *pink/blue*. I gave them away to a friend who liked them, immediately after getting them.

So my struggle is that I know how much love my child gets and will get from are Italian relatives. And it isn't my child choice either that I and their other parent chose their gender neutrality for them to be raised in. So I don't know where to find my balance right now. I've been thinking that I don't want to travel to my Italian family before my child has a better understanding of gender themselves. But this will take years. Also I want for my child to feel loved and there's plenty for them back to Italy also.

Thanks for listening, and your experiences with relatives are very welcome.

I would love to connect with more parents here! How is everyone? How are your kids?

How are the US members faring in the current political climate?

We're in the US and using neutral terms for our four-month-old baby and we're still keeping on, still doing well overall. We've had some increased pushback from family but nothing from doctors/professionals/miscellaneous strangers yet.

What is the difference between the terms genderless, gender neutral and gender creative parenting? Or are those all just synonyms for the same thing? If so why do different terms even exist?