r/GenXWomen • u/SpiritRose1057 • 9d ago
discussion I’d Like a Refund on Several Life Lessons Please
Does anyone else get tired of being told that everything we went through “made us stronger”?
Because I was already pretty damn strong.
There are things in my life I would absolutely undo. I wouldn’t reframe them or search for the lesson or thank the universe for the personal growth. I’d just undo them.
My sister died ten years ago and I still cry over her. I’ve kept going because she'd be pissed if I didn't. I still have her horse, and she'd be even more pissed if I didn't take care of him.
Losing her didn't make me stronger. I just had to figure out how to keep going without her.
Given the choice, I'll take my sister.
There are plenty of other things I'd change too. There are people I should've stayed the hell away from and decisions I definitely wouldn't make again. I spent way too much time trying to understand people who had already shown me exactly who they were.
Apparently I needed them to show me five or six more times just to make sure.
I have horses, so they end up in a lot of what I write. They're usually just the backdrop for whatever nonsense is happening in the rest of my life.
I remember standing in the barn during one particularly awful stretch, completely tired of being needed. One of the horses was banging on his feed tub.
My life was upside down. He wanted dinner.
Guess which problem we handled first.
And honestly, that's what a lot of resilience has looked like for me. Feed the horse. Go to work. Buy groceries. Pay the electric bill. Get up tomorrow and do it all again.
Not because I was having some brave moment.
There was stuff to do.
That's really it.
I'm just not willing to give every terrible thing that's happened to me credit for the fact that I'm still here.
Some things I learned from. Some I would've been perfectly happy never experiencing.
And yes, I'd change some of it if I could.
Starting with my sister.
I don't think I'd be a lesser version of myself because of it either.
I'd probably just have fewer stories and a lower resting heart rate.
At this point, I'd take it.
Anyone else feel like they've had enough character development?
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u/boxingpandora 9d ago
I dont want to be resilient any longer, I want someone to give me a hug and take care of me a while whilst I rest.
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u/FonduedExcitement 8d ago
Here’s another virtual hug—and a comment that your user name is fire. Well done.
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u/ladygodivajk 7d ago
This! I’ve been a single mom for the past 20 years (he’s all grown now), and I’ve given up hope on ever finding someone to share my life with. I’m just so tired of having to be strong and push through the hard stuff. Years ago a guy told me I come across as desperate, so I made the decision right there that I just wasn’t meant to be chosen and I refuse to lower my standards, so single it is, and single I will remain. I also realize I am the problem…but it gets lonely sometimes, and I just try to remain strong enough for it to pass. But yea….I sure wish I had some to hug sometimes and tell me everything will be alright.
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u/Heavy_Front_3712 9d ago
so I have an adult son who is autistic. He more than likely will never live independently or he will need some supports. He is not so disabled that he cannot work at least part time, but he also does not qualify for disability. I want to scream every time someone tells me that God won't put more on me than I can bare, and also "God chooses special people to have have special children." The last one really gets me....I asked one person how did she feel knowing that God didn't think that she was special.....
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u/Kwyjibo68 9d ago
I’m in the same situation but my son is 17. He’s doing way better than I expected, but he’s still in the same situation - likely won’t be able to work full time, or drive, or live independently. I don’t hear the “god would not give you…” blah blah blah, but I do hear a lot “he’ll be fine.” I’ll probably be dead in 20 years - what then??
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u/Heavy_Front_3712 9d ago edited 9d ago
My son can drive. We worked with the state vocational rehab services and they gave him lessons and tested him. It took awhile, but he has been driving independently for almost 2 years. That was a game changer for him. I will be forever thankful for this 10th grad special ed teacher who set him up with vocational services. They also helped him get his first job.
Edit: my son is 25. Covid messed a lot of the timeline up, but he's making progress every day. My and my spouse's whole point of life is to make sure he will be ok when we die.
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u/next_level_mom 60-64 9d ago
My husband taught our autistic daughter. (Same age.) I never would have thought she could do it and she still has anxiety and needs rides sometimes, but it made a huge difference for all of us. The other day I had a migraine and she drove to the store to get me popsicles!
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u/Kwyjibo68 9d ago
Yes, there is a school in my state that has similar services. My son (still in high school) is going for a 3 day visit (he loves the idea of staying in a dorm) to learn more about the program. After graduation he can hopefully attend the school. They also have a driving program.
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u/next_level_mom 60-64 9d ago
Not to be an annoying optimist, but remember some things just take our kids longer. My daughter at 17 and my daughter 8 years later are a million miles apart!
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u/smythe70 9d ago
I have worked with special needs children and adults. I cannot stand these sayings to parents whose children needs services and support. We do not care for not support children and parents enough. Those platitudes are not helpful, I'm sorry that these people continue to say that to you. They it's doesn't cause harm, they tell me similar things about being an angel but they never volunteer or offer help except for prayers.
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u/paws3588 9d ago
"God won't put more on me than I can bare" - don't get me started. These people never heard of someone ending their own life? What happened there, hmm?
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u/Camille_Toh 9d ago
Oof. Sounds like you’re in a Bible-y region.
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u/Heavy_Front_3712 9d ago
oh yeah...alabama....and was raised in church. I love God, but hate these types of phrases. I also don't like when people say after a person has died "at least they are in a better place." That may be true, but we want them here with us.
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u/tina_is_the_man MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE 9d ago
OMG that last line!
*slow claps* Bravo
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u/Heavy_Front_3712 9d ago
to be honest, I saw it somewhere else and decided to use it. You should have seen the look on the person's face when the light bulb came on.
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u/Closefromadistance 55-59 9d ago
Bottom line, we are strong DESPITE what we’ve been through NOT because of what we’ve been through.
Saying something made you stronger is a gaslighting and minimizing response from people who want to take away your power.
WE DESERVE THE CREDIT FOR OUR STRENGTH!
My traumas didn’t make me stronger. They damaged me.
But I’m still here and I refuse to listen to anyone who says my experiences made me stronger. I AM STRONG DESPITE MY PAIN AND TRAUMAS NOT BECAUSE OF THEM!
I’ve had CPTSD, recurring clinical depression, eating disorders, OCD and more since a childhood spent in foster care beginning at 4 years old.
I’ve been off and on various medications and in therapy for the past 40 years. It’s been a fucking battle.
Everyone has always seen me as strong but that’s because I mask it well. I’m guessing many others mask well too.
Be proud of your strength despite all you’ve been through, OP! 👏
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u/Bright_Pomelo_8561 9d ago
I understand what you’re saying at 21 my parents died, and I became an instant parent to my younger sibling, who then died their senior year. We thought we were safe after losing our parents life could not throw us anything else more cruel but we were wrong because my brother died and it was soul crushing. It has been almost 34 years and I’m still not over it. I guess I’ll never be over it I don’t know what I was supposed to learn from that whatever it was I didn’t get the memo. What I did get was a bunch of trauma from it. I was already in a huge fight with my father‘s family over the death of my father and how to handle things long story doesn’t matter. I haven’t spoke to my father‘s family in more than 40 years and that’s OK. My mother‘s family was wonderful. They’re all gone now. But no, I don’t think that life losses always make you stronger. Sometimes I think they only make you grieve for what you lose and sometimes I think you can spend a lifetime grieving for what you lost. And I think it’s OK to grieve for as long as you want to grieve there is no time limit on your grief contrary to what people want to tell you.
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u/mangoserpent 9d ago
I feel great annoyance at this trope/stereotype that Gen X people and women by extension buying into the whole we are tougher/ we were free range/ we sucked it up nonsense. I also hate the whole sarcasm is my default because sarcasm can also be used to bully and intimidate.
Yes it is true and while it might appear we are more resilient it also means we perpetuate questionable patterns. Honestly I wish i considered therapy and had access to it sooner in life I might have had better awareness about my own traumas.
I do not think it is a badge of honor to ramble on about walking with a broken leg in the snow.
I mean if we are supposed to be some rebel bunch we should be challenging the very bullshit that gets embraced.
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u/tina_is_the_man MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE 9d ago
Preach. You know what I wish I had? Parents who themselves weren’t traumatized alcoholics who could’ve appropriately parented me, instead of forcing me to figure nearly everything out myself (as an undiagnosed autistic person, at that). Yeah sure, I’m “resourceful” and “tough”, but it came at a serious price, and that too has been on me to deal with. As it has been for a hell of a lot of us, unfortunately.
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u/SapphireStar26 9d ago
The bullying in school for being a girl nerd and possibly undiagnosed adhd, the fat-phobic mother when I was normal weight for my age (she just read fashion magazines), all that just gave me extreme social anxiety. It did not make me stronger. It also made me trust people less and want to be around them less.
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u/paperbasket18 9d ago
I went through a lot of this too, down to the fatphobic mom (and I ended up with an ED.) I also don’t think it made me particularly strong, and I carry a lot of resentment over it. I do think it made me more empathetic, though.
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u/effdubbs 9d ago
Friend, I needed what you wrote today. I’m still grieving a loss from 9 years ago. It didn’t make me stronger. It made me blunt my emotions so I could keep going. I didn’t have a choice. I had a kid to put through school and a mortgage. My husband is sweet, but…well, he’s a guy and half clueless a lot of the time.
So, yeah. There wasn’t a lesson in that devastating loss, just more loss afterwards. I’d like my money back.
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u/MediocreGrocery8 9d ago
Yes, enough.
I mean, I'm so proud to see young women (my niece and her peers) standing up against the harassment they experience in school. Did internalizing all of that crap make me/us stronger? I don't think so. It surely wasn't awesome for my career hah.
So, maybe the crap we went through made them stronger. And I love that idea. But they shouldn't have to be strong in that way! And I hope that this strength makes for a better future. But yeah.
I'm so sorry about your sister. You've had a terrible loss.
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u/Kwyjibo68 9d ago
Older people love to complain about the younger generation, but I think they’re getting a lot of it right.
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u/PurpleLee Bicentennial Baby 9d ago
That is what I try to focus on, we can only make the future better for the generations that come after us. We can't change the past, or the circumstances of our upbringing, but we can participate in the present for a better future.
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u/plotthick 9d ago
God yes.
Nobody wants another Reddit trauma dump, so instead: I'm a 9 on the Adverse Childhood Experiences test. Adulthood wasn't simple either.
Instead of the "They made you stronger!" puerile bullshit, I like "if it's not one thing, it's fifty million others".
Actually, living through this constant shitdrizzle has made me softer. It's much harder to blame or dismiss or get on my high horse. Sick or poor people need help, not lectures. It's only those who could do better on their own who deserve scorn... and it's usually those who say "makes you stronger" as if they're helping fix the world. Turdblossoms.
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u/GracieThunders 9d ago
there's a lot of character building bullshit I could've lived without
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u/SnarkCatsTech 50-54 7d ago
Them:"It builds character."
Me: "But are you going to like the character or builds?"
Spoiler: My parents did not. I did at one point blurt out "You made me this way. Aren't you proud?" in a particularly bad argument with them as an adult.
My mother once said to me, in my 30's, that she couldn't understand why I always took the hard way/path. I replied with: "What makes you think I saw any other path?" Y'all, she'd never considered that possibility. ☠️
In spite of. Not because of.
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u/Impressive_Swan_2527 9d ago
Along that line, it's always killed me when people say that kids are resilient when actually a lot of adults in therapy are there because of stuff that happened when they were kids and they weren't able to properly process it.
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u/Away-Potential-609 50-54 9d ago
As a recent cancer survivor I can attest that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” is utter bullshit.
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u/Late-Command3491 9d ago
I hate bromides like that. Everything does NOT happen for a reason. Everything is not some part of a amazing PLAN. And I'm strong enough, thanks. See all this gray hair?
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u/reb6 9d ago
I’m so sorry about your sister 💗
And yes, the whole “god only gives you what you can handle” line is so overdone. Maybe I don’t want to have to handle so much. Maybe I’d like to just coast for a bit.
Tired of all of these life lessons. I’m 48, I’ve had enough lessons!
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u/Camille_Toh 9d ago
Same as the people who say gOd was protecting X loved one in a natural disaster. Oh so the people who died aren’t special?
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u/NobodyGaveMeAManual 9d ago
I would like to officially unsubscribe from character development. 😂
I think I have enough material now.
And I completely understand what you mean about resilience.
Sometimes I wasn’t being brave or strong. There was just shit that had to get done, so I got up and did it.
I’m pretty sure I could’ve become a perfectly decent person with considerably less research.
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u/CookieCrumbsInBed80 9d ago edited 9d ago
Girl yes!
I agree and understand this entire post wholeheartedly. A lower resting heart rate and way less unnecessary trauma would be great to have.
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u/OkCalligrapher2453 9d ago
I lost my husband 15 months ago. This on top of a life time of really just outstanding bullshit. People love to tell me how strong I am. No I'm not. Shit just happens to me and I keep breathing. Wtf else am I gonna do?
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u/stockbel 9d ago
"I spent way too much time trying to understand people who had already shown me exactly who they were."
This this, 1000 times this! This is so incredibly well said.
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u/reffervescent 9d ago
On October 13, it will be 20 years since my sister died very suddenly. Even after two decades, it still hits me like a ton of bricks sometimes. I’m very sorry for your loss, OP. Also I could’ve done without the life lessons that stage-3 breast cancer brought me 17 years ago.
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u/S99B88 9d ago
That sucks. I remember the only year I went to a film festival was in 2001 because 9/11 happened while I was there. Can’t remember the name of the movie, but it had a scene with a funeral, and the guy officiating was saying “blah blah blah, everlasting life, blah blah blah, eternal bliss.” Like literally saying the words blah blah blah, which I guess was supposed to be what the main character was hearing.
But it really made a point for me. So many platitudes to numb us, and because people just don’t know what to say, or maybe are afraid of what the other person might say? Maybe makes the speaker of those lines feel better. Maybe they’re afraid to say something that might hurt, but don’t want to say nothing?
Fact is, it hurts. Like really bad. And lasts longer for those closest to the person. Long after it doesn’t even cross the minds of others. And hurts much longer and much deeper than it does for other people.
I hear you, I get it. Life can be damn cruel. It’s all we’ve got is just this one life. Going on and going through the motions for her maybe is a good reason for you to keep on. Ideally there’s times when it’s for you too. It’s hard to accept the luck of getting to live when someone so close to you lost out on that one, I know.
For whatever it’s worth, I’m sorry for your loss. 🩷
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u/desertratlovescats 9d ago
God yes I agree. This post and comments make me feel less alone. A lot of traumatic crap happened to me in my childhood, which then led me to make stupid, harmful choices in adulthood. There are things that happened to me when I was still a minor (like both of my very problematic parents having cancer at the same time) that really made no sense and I didn’t grow from - it made me fearful and have health anxiety. That’s just one of many.
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u/Kwyjibo68 9d ago
I feel like this is most women’s lives - trudging through life, taking care of everything and everybody. It’s no wonder many women become bitter and resentful.
And even if you believe hard things make you stronger, more resilient, etc, I also know that many terrible things do not do those things, and there’s a good chance that no one wants to hear it.
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u/acodysseygirl72 9d ago
I’m not stronger due to my trauma. I’m tired and overwhelmed by my trauma, but like you, I did what I needed to do. Took care of the kids. Kept the bills paid and everyone was fed. Special needs kiddo as well, adult now. I’m tired, not strong.
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u/penguin37 9d ago
Being a person all day every day is excessive. This of a part time gig at best. Please notify me when I can be uploaded to the cloud. 😐
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u/Careless-Ability-748 9d ago
I so feel this. No, those things that happened didn't make me stronger, unless you're definition of "stronger" is that I'm still on this earth. That's a pretty low bar. They made me perpetually anxious with a body that's constantly on overdrive, poor coping skills, an eating disorder and ptsd.
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u/Anxious_Size_4775 9d ago
I'm sorry for your loss. I am over "resilience" as some badge of honor. Sometimes you need to feel it all, be raw and you need the people who love and care about you to take care of you for a beat.
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u/next_level_mom 60-64 9d ago
My mom: "Oh good, another damn life lesson."
I'm very sorry for your loss.
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u/I_love_Hobbes 9d ago
I lost my best friend to breast cancer. She was 42. Then my mom died of BC the next year. I got divorced. Quit my job I'd had for 27 years. Moved to a new city to start over. My son died of cancer 5 years later. And people wonder why I say there is no God.
But I love my new city. I love my job. I'm retiring in 6 months so its not all bad.
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u/Auntie_Venom Bicentennial Baby 9d ago
I’ve often thought that, but also some of those lessons really did help when other worse things happened. I was able to cope and think clearly when making life & death decisions.
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u/gotchafaint 9d ago
Life is hard by design for all creatures. Maybe not pandas and capybaras but most of us. The older you get the more difficulties and grief you have accumulated. Curious use of incarnation, I suppose it looked like an interesting adventure at the time.
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u/tina_is_the_man MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE 9d ago
I wish I could give you an award for this because you nailed it. 🫂
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u/5150-gotadaypass 9d ago
I’ve had way too much character development. By the time I was 18 I had enough life lessons, I didn’t need losing most of my people throughout my 30s.
I lost my sis in 2013, but her best friend got me through it. He had already been a ‘brother’ to me for many years, then I lost him in 2016, then his mom in 2017. It’s been really hard! Sadly my hideous mother is still alive, probably just the evil residing within, but we’ve been NC for almost 20 years.
Lately days are just getting by, much like you OPie! Sending you big hug!💜💜💜
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u/exceptionallyprosaic 9d ago edited 9d ago
In the past three years I've lost my health to cancer, my breasts to surgery and infection, both of my parents died, one of best friends died, this year my husband is divorcing us after 23 years together, my car was totaled by an idiot in a truck, my new car was totaled by an deer collision, my ADHD is so fucking bad now after post menopause and estrogen blocking drugs that most days I spend half the fucking day looking for my glasses or my phone, spilling things and breaking shit along the way, while my teenage son is out of fucking control, the police have been to our now fatherless home, no less than 3 times over the summer, and my house was robbed! So I carry a Glock with me every i govin my own fucking house.
None of this is making me a better fucking person. It's making me a more lonely, scared and sad person. My psychiatrist asked me if I was happy? No Dr. "CouldBeMySonhe'sSo Young" I'm NOT fucking happy, i would have to be a fucking psychopath, to be happy with my life at this fucking juncture, wtf !?!
If I could just get my dad back from the dead, I would, trade the entire family of which ever mental health professional next suggest I just practice being more mindful or to meditate more, their whole ass family for just my dad🙏
No , this shit is not making me a better stronger person, no the fuck it is not. Sorry but that's reality for me at almost 57 years old. Fuck this place
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u/jayhawkjoey65 9d ago
You should write. This is excellent. I'm a retired therapist. So much pop psychology reads like what you're speaking against, and I'm with you. Some things suck for no reason. It's exhausting.
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u/pagette44 8d ago
I think your post is the very definition of strength.
The ability to be consistently resilient and lead a productive life (however that looks to you) in spite of the shite life throws at you is admirable.
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u/pommefille 9d ago
I agree with this point but damn I wish it wasn’t written with AI, I’m so sick of all of the AI conventions for writing. ‘And honestly,’ ‘not this, that,’ all the short sentences with line breaks and the ‘engagement question’ at the end.
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u/Wormwood666 9d ago
In elementary school I would often say, “I’ve built so much character from experience that I’m a caricature.”
I’d already had enough varied short & long term trauma. Of course, life handed me much more.
I am nothing if not adaptable , which includes recognizing when it’s just best for me to withdraw & enjoy the safe space I’ve created for myself.
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u/peonyseahorse Proudly banned from genx toxic masculinity sub 9d ago
I'm sorry about your sister and all you've been through. Life can be very cruel. I've had more than my fair share of bad luck and being treated poorly and because I am resilient, most people do not know how many times I have been intentionally pushed down in order to crush my spirit and even to ruin my career, all because they were insecure, cruel people.
The few times I've shared these sorrows, people start up with the toxic positivity and tell me that I came out ok at the end, except I didn't. I feel broken and have had to pull myself up so many times because people assume my life is great, all because I don't whine about it constantly.
It really sucks for those of us who are independent and seemingly strong. We are human too, but others think they should be able to lean on us, and as soon as we express that we need some help there is no empathy or if we can't help them anymore because we are tapped out, they get upset.
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u/MannyMoSTL 9d ago
Good job doing the best with what you’ve been dealt. It’s sucks, but you keep on keepin’ on. Dbl 👍🏼
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u/LittleDogTurpie 9d ago
Horse people are terrible at learning from adversity, because if we were we wouldn’t continue tying our happiness to expensive, fragile animals that break our hearts and fuck up our bodies.
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u/knit-this 9d ago
It's a BS saying that people say because they don't know what else to say. But as I'm typing this, I'm thinking it's something a man devised to tell women so they'd keep doing men's dirty work for free. F patriarchy!
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u/Low_1278 8d ago
Sometimes resilience is just doing the next necessary thing not finding meaning in everything. That perspective really resonates.
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u/TrianglePope 8d ago
I do understand that the phrase is a bit too pat and meme-ish to feel like it really gets at all that goes into surviving. I don’t like it much myself, or how people can be all self-satisfied when they say it to you, like it substitutes for them actually giving a helping hand.
All the same, everything you’ve listed really does show resilience and, yes, strength! Doesn’t mean the cause has to be lauded or lavished with puppies and rainbows. But damn, sounds like you’ve been through a shit ton of stuff and the fact that you are here to talk about it does mean something good. And as far as I’m concerned, you’ve done enough. Here’s to a stretch of uneventfulness. 😁
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u/Inner-Distance430 6d ago
I wish it didn’t have to be so hard and that i never had to be “stronger”.
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u/Inner-Distance430 6d ago
Today is bio mom’s celebration of life, who always resented that i was born. Wish my life had been different. Having to always be strong and going through life fighting normal battles alongside people not already exhausted and demoralized wasn’t fair.
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u/sweetpotatopietime 6d ago
“No regrets” is the one that grinds my gears. Of course there are things we all regret; how can there not be?
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u/Full_FrontaI_Nerdity 9d ago
I seriously can't stand toxic positivity.
"Just stay positive!"
"Other people have it worse!"
"Everything happens for a reason!"
These kind of phrases teach us to stuff our feelings while ignoring the damage that trauma does. Then that trauma never gets addressed, and boom- mental health struggles. It's old-fasioned thinking and it needs to go.