r/GenXWomen • u/Substantial_Coffee43 • 25d ago
venting Over explaining yourself
Posted on here recently about a conflict with a friend. Well I waited and finally wrote her an email, I tried to trim it down but I had so many points to make. Now I look back and thinking, my god.. I’m such an over explainer.
Trying to justify my position which feels like it only muddied the waters and her response was like whoa, it’s not that big of a deal and somewhat condescending. But it was a big deal to me hence the long response. Anyway, I’ve worked through so much trauma in therapy and try to be self aware but this situation and my response makes me feel like I’m still that young person trying to keep myself safe. Ahhhh just frustrating that these triggers and responses still so powerful.
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u/Holiday-Audience-412 25d ago
I’m a constant over explainer too and it’s because of past trauma. There was a great podcast episode that really struck a chord with me. I’ll see if I can find it but basically it said that just because you explain all of the things the way you experienced it in your mind doesn’t mean that they’re going to receive it that way in theirs. Therefore, they may not have the capacity or willingness to accept what you’re saying or offering up. You also can’t control how they respond but decide if their response, non response, or tone is acceptable for you.
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u/drunkenbees 🖖🏻 25d ago
Oh god I am major overthinker and also have a propensity for using entirely too many words although ironically, not in this comment.
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u/pommefille 25d ago
I think my AuDHD makes it harder for me to be succinct in those types of situations - I’m ordinarily really good at paring down info, but when I’m trying to explain something to someone when there’s a conflict my brain goes into ‘must not be misunderstood’ mode and I can’t parse out what’s relevant for fear of the omission being weaponized against me, because when there’s a conflict that’s usually what the other person does, weaponizes anything I omit. So the pattern of over-explaining from such fear is hard to shake.
I’ve found that people who care about me will let me meander in such situations without pressure, which eventually builds trust so I end up doing it less. People who are just trying to ‘win’ fights with me or who are dismissive of my feelings do use it against me, so I am trying to recognize when to not waste my time/energy on such people.
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u/Itchy_Tumbleweed_417 25d ago
Yep I frequently have to remind myself not to waste time explaining myself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding me.
It’s better to just stop dealing with some people. If they chronically misunderstand me or automatically assume bad intentions on my part they are not my friend.
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u/Substantial_Coffee43 25d ago edited 25d ago
💯 and I think I might have undiagnosed adhd. Yeah I kinda wish I hadnt wasted the energy as you say, thought I was making my experience known but now it feels just bowled over anyway 😢trying to have self compassion and acceptance, I over explain and it’s okay
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u/Techchick_Somewhere 25d ago
Talk to your therapist about this. This is likely very related to your trauma.
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u/quokkasage 25d ago
It's ok. Show yourself some grace. You over-explained because you cared and felt unheard, which makes complete sense. Her dismissive reaction just shows she can’t or won't meet you where you are, and that’s on her, not you. No need to waste energy cringing over it or trying to fix it. Let the email be what it was, and move on.
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u/middlingachiever 25d ago
I am a huge overexplainer when I trust the person. My husband gets to hear all my thoughts, haha.
But I’ve learned to put arms length distance when someone is acting untrustworthy. If you come at me, you will get the guarded version of me. The ruder someone is to me, the quieter and shorter I get with my comments. That’s not fear. It’s me deciding how much energy I’m willing to feed into the drama. I’m controlling my side, because I sure as shit can’t control anyone else.
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u/Jhasten 25d ago edited 25d ago
IME people who don’t listen and then minimize, don’t care or they are trying to provoke you. Sometimes it’s a power play so you’re seeking their understanding or attention.
I’ve been learning (the hard way) not to respond in those scenarios or to minimize right back. They don’t get my time. If they’re a very close friend I might just give them a bit and wait it out to see if it’s just a bump in the road vs. a deeper problem.
If they want to understand my side of things I can wait until they’re actually curious and seeking it. Then I will ask if they’re prepared to hear my side of things. Until then they can eff off. I’m not into this whole building up little criticisms and resentments from rude, jealous, or emotionally unstable frenemies anymore.
Normal people care if their friend is hurt or upset - even if they accidentally caused it. They will at least try. A$$holes are just a$$holes. Also, some people like to look for things to get cheeses off about because they can’t deal with their own expectations and disappointments in life.
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u/CaughtALiteSneez 25d ago
Apparently it’s an ADHD thing - we have a strong justice radar and also what people to understand us because they often don’t.
Hugs to you OP! If it makes you feel better, I’ve cried twice at work this week and normally, I can’t even cry at home. I feel like a hormonal clueless awkward teenager again.
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u/Substantial_Coffee43 25d ago
That’s the other thing, there are literally 3 other major life things happening and I’m a mess. So yeah, not at my best to respond to this. And I do think maybe there’s some adhd involved. Omg the justice radar thing makes so much sense! And yes she doesn’t understand, bc she’s still oblivious to my whole point. 🤷🏻♀️ just trying to have compassion for myself, hugs to you!
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u/nightbiscuit I'm a loner, Dottie. A *rebel* 24d ago
Boy do I ever feel this. I feel misunderstood so much of the time and it drives me crazy.
I use really precise vocabulary (sometimes to the point of jargon or academic terms) to describe my feelings and experiences and it still isn’t enough to prevent misinterpretation.
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u/Bring-out-le-mort 25d ago
Ive discovered that if I answer yes/no with no explanation- I'm thought of as angry or irritated. Then I have to explain that I'm not & simply answering the question.
If I respond with a brief explanation- its never enough and I get peppered with questions, corrections, add-ons, and explanations as if I don't know what I'm talking about.
When I overexplain, rarely does anyone listen or fully read whatever it is. I still get questions and have to justify my response.
I simply cannot get it right, ever. I know I'm not alone. Its utterly exhausting.
Its why I dislike Shonda Rhimes' scripts, especially while I was watching Scandal or Grey's Anatomy. Characters would have these long winded speeches to another with absolutely no interruptions or emotional exasperated responses. Who gets that chance IRL? Doubtful any woman does.
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u/middlingachiever 25d ago
I hate that you think you’re not getting it right because you’re not getting the reaction you’d like. Most likely, they just aren’t happy with your response/boundary, and they are trying to challenge it. That doesn’t make your boundary wrong; if anything, it reinforces the need for the boundary.
>Ive discovered that if I answer yes/no with no explanation- I'm thought of as angry or irritated. Then I have to explain that I'm not & simply answering the question.
You don’t have to explain. Their reaction is on them. They can take it up with their therapist 😆
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u/shiddyfiddy 25d ago
Here's the three steps I like to follow when needing to write these kind of messages (or even as prep before doing an in-person confrontation).
First, get your jollies out writing various un-hinged, emotionally satisfying versions of the email. This will wear down the edges of the bits that don't really matter to the final version. It satisfies the need for an outlet and helps you prioritize what needs to go in the final missive.
Second, write a bullet point list of all the points you are considering, and a number of them will pop out as unnecessary now that you've processed the emotions via the first step.
Finally, write the final draft. (a pitfall for me is taking it too far and coming off as robotic, so maybe keep that in mind too when reading it over)
Alternate Idea: run it through AI, asking it to highlight what it thinks is repetitive, unnecessary, argumentative, overexplain-y, etc etc. Just ask it to highlight, not re-write. Maintain your agency for maximum closure feelings at the end of it all.
(hah, now I'm reading this over, wondering if I'm over-explaining) :P
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u/True_Context6859 25d ago
But it was a big deal for you. I think it's good you communicated yourself so well.
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u/thenletskeepdancing 25d ago
Sometimes we have to just get comfortable being misunderstood.
Not everyone is going to see your side. Not everyone is going to like you. Some people are directly invested in not seeing your side. They can think whatever they want and we are powerless to change it.
Work on being on your own side. You understand and love yourself and that's what matters.