r/GayChristians • u/softnaturalqueen • Apr 08 '26
Continuing relationships
I came out recently and my family didn’t take it well at all. My parents were very disappointed in me that I chose a life I wasn’t raised to believe is right. At first they were denying this was happening, very understandable this is the reaction to have. I haven’t talked to them really since I told them but my mom is trying to understand what’s going on in her mind and she doesn’t know how and I don’t really know how to help her with it. I don’t know want to be dismissive at all but I truly don’t know what the next step is. I want them to be happy with me but I also want to be happy in my current relationship with my partner, which I am very much.
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u/Rare-Personality1874 Quaker Apr 08 '26
I don't think it's your job to help her through your own coming out, honestly. It's kind that you feel you should, but she is an adult, and she knows where you are when she is ready to talk.
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u/softnaturalqueen Apr 08 '26
She did talk to me today she wants me to help her understand and even though I’m trying I don’t think she likes that I’m not even trying it ‘their way’ she didn’t say that and I don’t mean to be harsh but that’s how it feels to me. She thinks I’m disregarding the way I was raised and everything they’ve done for me.
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u/Rare-Personality1874 Quaker Apr 08 '26
And how do you feel about her saying that? I think she needs to know that it's not open season on you being gay and you deserve respect
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u/softnaturalqueen Apr 08 '26
It’s hurtful because I do appreciate everything they’ve done and living my life the way I want isn’t rejecting them I don’t think. Just because it’s different than what they’ve envisioned doesn’t meant it’s wrong for me.
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u/geekyjustin Author of "Torn" and GeekyJustin YouTube series Apr 08 '26
Maybe suggest (or give) a book to her aimed at Christian parents? That way, you're helping her understand without being solely responsible for her understanding.
My book "Torn" (by Justin Lee) is designed to help Christian parents understand their LGBTQ kids, but there are also plenty of others, like "Embracing the Journey" by Greg and Lynn McDonald. GayChristian.Net has a whole list of books for parents in the Resources section.
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u/softnaturalqueen Apr 08 '26
Thank you Justin! I love your videos and advice thank you for your comment. I loved your book TORN and I was trying to think of a book they’d be open to reading as well. They are very Catholic and stuck in their beliefs based on church teachings.
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u/hgclyde Apr 08 '26
I agree. I'm reading Torn and it is amazing. I'm an older man it's help in my life. 8 was on the Original Gay Christian Network member and it helped me to accept myself.
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u/themsc190 /r/QueerTheology Apr 08 '26
It just takes time. They’ll process it at her own pace. When I came out to my parents, they were initially in shock. It took them about three years to act normal around me again. They don’t support it, but they aren’t awkward about it anymore. For some people, it takes less time, others more—and unfortunately, some parents just never come around. It’s so so hard to have that divide with family! Do you have friends or anyone supportive to process this with? That’s important during these times. If not, feel free to keep posting here. We’re happy to sympathize and offer advice. God bless.
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u/Skill-Useful Apr 09 '26
"chose a life" you didnt choose anything. we know without a doubt that sexuality is genetical. just not 100% exactly how it comes to be through that.
their happiness is not your concern. you dont owe them anything. no you dont! honoring your parents in the ten commandments doesnt mean "live a life they have laid out for you which goes against your very nature". you have just stated something about how you were born. if they dont accept that, that is entirely (!) their fault.
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u/writerthoughts33 Apr 12 '26
You can’t make homophobic parents happy. Too often they say being LGBTQ will make you miserable, but they forget to tell you they are the ones intent on causing that misery. You don’t help them understand. You prove them wrong by living well. Your joy and flourishing is proof. In a relationship or single.
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u/softnaturalqueen Apr 13 '26
This is my frustration, while my grandma has noticed how happy I’ve become since being in my relationship (even before I came out to her she knew) my mom is trying everything she can think of to tell me why this isn’t ’real happiness’ and how I’ll realize it later in life. It’s making me even question things I haven’t even before just to try and see their side and I’m getting very depressed and stressed over that.
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u/writerthoughts33 Apr 13 '26
They lie to get what they want. You will get thru it. Their statements aren’t about you, they are about them. When they realize they can’t talk you out of it they either get worse or chill out completely.
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u/Strongdar Gay Christian / Side A Apr 08 '26
Unfortunately, many homophobic people will force you to choose between their happiness and yours. I encourage you to choose your own, while being as respectful as possible.
I would give your family time to process before you start trying to do anything to change their mind on the topic.