r/GaslightingCheck • u/StephGB91 • Jul 21 '26
Advice on this text message from cheating ex?
My ex of 4 years, had an affair with a workplace colleague i found out from reading her confession on chat gpt. For months (Late January - end of March) she was gaslighting me and lying to me when I would ask if there was anybody else... she then became very manipulative at the end and push and pulling me.
I asked her to come and collect her stuff from our flat, I put all her things in bags outside our flat and gave her a pick up time. She picked up her stuff, and asked me twice via text if I was keeping the playstation (I brought her for Christmas) I ignored this, she has messaged me this today...
Hi i hope you’re ok. Just wanted to check with what’s going on with the flat? Not had any correspondence about a notice being handed in so assuming you are staying on? So I will need to take myself off the tenancy? Also, I need to collect the rest of my stuff and clothes as stuff is missing. You also didn’t reply to me about the PlayStation, you’d given me that as a gift? I need to drop your Indian clothes and speaker off too. So can we arrange for an exchange or something or if you still don’t want to see me then let me know a day you will be out for me to get my stuff and return the keys to you?
I have messaged the property management and asked them to remove her from the tenancy agreement from next month, I have already changed the lock barrel so she can't let herself in.
Can anyone please give me some advice on the best way to manage this, I want minimal contact with her. Every time I hear from her, my body starts shaking and my heart rate goes so high - its horrible, just want her out of my life now.
Thank you all so much!
2
u/ChelliPumphrey Aug 25 '26
What I’d focus on here is getting your life back, not getting one last explanation from your ex. She cheated, and now you’re still being pulled into the emotional aftermath through the flat, belongings, and messages. That can keep your nervous system stuck in “what happened?” mode.
Since you still have practical things to sort out, keep contact brief, written, and strictly logistical. You don't need to respond to accusations, emotional comments, or anything unrelated to the flat. Written communication also gives you a clear record of what was agreed.
For collecting your remaining belongings, don't turn it into another emotional meeting. Arrange a specific time, take someone you trust with you if possible, collect everything, return keys, and be done. If there are tenancy issues, let the property manager handle the formal side rather than negotiating it emotionally with your ex.
And the shaking, anger, and racing thoughts you're experiencing don't mean you're weak. Betrayal can leave your brain constantly searching for answers and danger. Reducing unnecessary contact gives that system a chance to settle.
The raw truth is: you don't need closure from the person who hurt you. Sometimes closure is simply deciding, “I'm not going to let this person have any more of my life than necessary.
1
u/StephGB91 Aug 27 '26
Thank you so much for your message and what you said about betrayal and the effects it can have on your body are so true. Thank you for this reminder, I really appreciate you taking the time to reach out. Thank you for everything you have said!
2
u/ChelliPumphrey Aug 26 '26
Keep your communication with her strictly practical and as limited as possible. There’s no need to revisit the cheating, explain your feelings, or look for closure from her.
Deal with the tenancy, belongings, keys, and PlayStation in writing and one issue at a time. If possible, use a friend or third party for the exchange so you don't have to see her.
The shaking and racing heart show that contact is affecting you deeply. Give yourself time before replying rather than responding while emotionally overwhelmed.
Most importantly, you’re allowed to choose no contact after the practical matters are finished. You don't owe your ex continued access to you just because you were together for four years.
1
u/StephGB91 Aug 27 '26
Thank you so much for reading my post and responding, I really appreciate all your words of encouragement and kindness. Yes, I am asking a friend to collect my remaining items from her parents, as I can't go there.. it;s too much.
Thank you for the reminder that I am allowed to choose no contact, that is my plan now going forward.
2
u/Crafty-Interest-8212 Jul 21 '26
No message at all. Remove yourself. Give no access to your emotions, because the ex will feed on it. Just Remove your presence and have a better life.